Sunday, March 21, 2010

Feeling Very Unloved right now.

Okay I feel like I can say this now...

I accidentally fell asleep today while writing a letter. My church had a dinner this afternoon. I NEVER said I wasn't going to go. NEVER.

So when I randomly don't come out of my dorm to go to the dinner, you'd think my roommates might at least ask if I was going, right?

Well, they didn't. I probably would make that mistake too, so I really didn't wanna bug them too much about it when I woke up and found that everyone had left without me.

So I hurry there and say, "Gee guys, thanks for waking me up." I was TRYING to be sarcastic, but I fail miserably at it and probably sounded more biting than I intended.

But the response? No apologies, that's for sure. Instead, "You should be responsible for waking yourself up, Hannah. That's not our job."

Well this came from the girl who I woke up every monday and wednesday for a class at 6:30 in the freaking morning. I COULD HAVE said, "It's your responsibility to wake yourself up." But I DID'NT. I woke that girl up every day. WHY? Not out of the goodness of my heart. I did it because I want her to like me. Well, that's not working. Nope. She still finds every chance she can to tell me I'm wrong and I am still always picked last. Always.

On top of that, another girl said, "We just thought you weren't coming."


I AM SICK AND TIRED OF PEOPLE ASSUMING THAT I JUST DON'T WANNA DO THINGS. No one asked!! No one cared! How in heaven's name can they know what I'm thinking if they don't even ask anymore!

IF ANYONE ASKS, here's what I would tell them:
I care about their opinion. I TRY to be liked and accepted around here! Very very hard.
But at one point, sometime in February, I just gave up and quit trying. I just didn't go to the dances and the parties and the whatevers they do together. If I feel like a third wheel whenever I go to those things, I just don't stay anymore. Maybe they're just seeing this as indifference. Well, it's not. It's shame and abandonment. If they only took the time to ask or even just notice anything, they'd figure that out.


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