Thinking in Color

My head is going to eplode.

I have to bike sixteen blocks to get to work every morning at 8. This is going to kill me.
It had better be a fun job once I get there.

In other news:
Sociology paper: 3/10 sources, 6/7 pages, six days to go. I can do it, I think. I just gotta spend all night tonight and friday finding those other sources.

Sociology Service Hours: None.

Humanities Test: Next Saturday.

ASL Video: This weekend it will happen.

Things going on today: I go check out where I'm going to work and get the lowdown on what I'm actually doing in this job. Institute? Probably not.
Blessings: I have THIS morning...
Listening to: Justin Bieber, "Baby" (Because it is a good song.)

I'm Blind if I'm in
Blind if I'm out
I know it all but I still don't know what life is about
I've been told all these years how people should behave
It's like I spent my life living in the back of a cave.
Like a well, it was hell
But I didn't know the difference.
Felt the light from behind
But I didn't show interest.

But then one day
the chains were released
and I found my head could turn
to the sun in the east.
So I turned my sight toward the newfound light
But I had to turn away because the sun was too bright.
But it was right.
Cuz for once I had a glimpse of the truth
And I came to recognize it all, despite of my youth
So unaware I was about the world the night before last
Who knew that what I saw was just a shadow moving past
At last
I relax, cuz my life has a meaning
Revealing, I'm being, and I like what I'm seeing.

I can't tell you all the things that I didn't know
But my eyes became accustomed to the blinding glow
And I learned to forsake all the days I spent lazing
All the rhymes and the scenes, all the dreams I spent chasing.
It was amazing!
But hissing in the back of my mind
Something was missing; don't wanna leave the others behind
So I climbed back down
to the heart of the dark and I started reminiscin
hoping that they'd listen.

But then,
I couldn't quite believe my eyes!
To my surprise, they kept on believing the lies
The disguise, their demise, like flies to honey
Unaware, only caring 'bout honor and money
I tried to tell them; but they just wouldn't believe
I forgot how well the shadows in that cave could deceive
Little did they know, little could they see
And they didn't quite appreciate what happened to me
And for once I had to wonder was I outa my mind?
Had the fire of the truth burned me blind?
Now rewind to the time when I was a pris'ner like them
Am I better off now than I was back then?
Or am I still a pris'ner, locked inside a different cell
I'm alive, but living now is like a living hell
But I'm telling you
I'm not about to back down now
I'm gonna make the most of what I got so I'm tellin' the crowd
I gotta take responsibility and do my duty
and make my voice heard and let the truth run through me
Like blood, no crud, it's the legit G-C
It's a Gift and a Curse but it's part of me.
So listen close, pay attention to the words I sing.
Cuz This is the life of the Philosopher King.

Season premiere of G eLEE.
What did I think??

Wow. Things got bad in a hurry, didn't they? But that's good! We already have a show in full swing that people will come back to week after week.
Furthermore, the song selection this time around was SO GOOD. I wasn't humungously impressed with the "Telephone" number, but it wasn't bad. My favorite was their version of "Empire State of Mind." I also really liked that new blonde guy's voice. I wonder what happens to him!!
The new football coach, Beiste, was also a great addition. And I'm glad Sue and Schuster aren't friends anymore. What would this show be without ridiculous comments about Schu's hair?

Just one thing missing: WHERE'S EMMA??
I'm sick and tired of the way they just forget about her and her relationship with Will. Where did she go?? Will they ever be together??

I'm excited for next week.

Success Story: I finally learned how to effectively do makeup today.
Bigger Success Story: ASL class was cancelled so I didn't have to miss it for my Women's Chorus Concert.


Life is busy, yet good.


Listening to: Some song by Book on Tape Worm
Things Happening today: concert, class, no class...
Blessings: missionary letters... and no class.

Back in ninth grade I liked this guy named Jake. (Yeah, I've liked a lot of Jakes in my life, but deal with it.) He was a real idiot, even in ninth grade, but I liked him anyway because he had this amazing red hair and he would tease me in science in a way that was more friend than foe. But that was really all that was good about him. He was only fourteen years old but he was already swearing and smoking and back-talking teachers, but I sort of liked the bad boy image.
Well years came and went and once high school started, I didn't see much of him. Apparently he got really bad grades so he was transferred to a different school. But he would ride my bus, tease the shorter kids, jeer at the busdriver, wreak havoc in the back seat, make out with his girlfriends, I don't know what else.
Now... I don't know what he's doing. But I do know that he's a total crackhead, or he makes himself look like one. I just checked his facebook page and all I saw was a bunch of cuss words and some crap about how wasted or blown he was. Not attractive.
My two conclusions:
1. Isn't it funny how people turn up in the end?
2. What did I see in him??

Okay I am going to share with you something about which I am very very insecure.

It regards "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," so if you wanna skip this political, deep stuff and move on to some less controversial material, feel free. I'm not sure if I even want anyone to read this yet, anyway. This is an opinion in embryo here. It's likely to change, morph, perfect itself until it is full-grown and stable. But I often am better able to formulate opinions if I write them down. So here goes.

I'll present my ideas in a series of facts that may or may not have any structure or rhyme or reason to them.

FACT: I believe homosexuality to be a sin against God, one of the worst a person can commit. I believe it to be a perversion of one of the most sacred and wonderful experiences God has given to his children.
FACT: There is nothing any mortal can do or say that will make me change this belief. I believe God has told me this through his spirit and power of revelation.
FACT: I understand that not everyone believes the same things I do. Of course, I'd like them to believe the same things I do but I know that won't happen for everybody.
FACT: I also believe the Constitution of the United States of America is not only a morally sound document, but one that is appointed by God. I believe men were inspired by God to write it. I believe God wants us to defend it.
FACT: I believe homosexuality CAN be a detriment to our United States Armed Forces, but I also believe there are plenty of straight people in the military who do AWFUL, AWFUL things.
FACT: I believe God is the one who decides who should be punished and who should not.
FACT: Just because I don't agree with homosexuality DOES NOT MEAN I AM A "HOMOPHOBE" or that I "HATE" the gays. I RESENT ANYONE WHO EVER SAYS THAT ABOUT ME.

Now... here are some QUESTIONS:
QUESTIONS:
If I believe the Constitution to be a sound and God-given document, how is it that there can be something in that document that is so AGAINST what God would have us do?
If I believe in equality for all, shouldn't that include people who don't believe the same things I do?
Does being a gay soldier really effect the morale of those in his/her unit?
Shouldn't sexual preference be a private thing anyway?
Does having gay soldiers in my unit mean I need to share a room with them, change in front of them, be provoked or ridiculed for my own beliefs by them? If I were to complain about these things, would that make me "HATEFUL" and "HOMOPHOBIC?"
How would God have me vote on this issue, if I were given the chance? Would he let me vote for equality and agency or would he want me to vote for inequality based off of morals?
Doesn't the government have a thing with separation of church and state? Should I even consider the religious reasonings behind things when I vote?
Aren't I supposed to put God first before everything... even if it is hard?


I am very confused. But I'd like you to take another look at the FACTS I presented. I may not know what political policies should be enacted in regards to gay rights, but I do know where I stand on whether or not I think they are immoral. And I think that's what truly matters to God.
I also think God knows what's in my heart, and he knows that my heart is NOT filled with hate, no matter how loud Lady Gaga screams that it is.

I need to write poems about two things:

The Aneid
and The Apology by Plato.

But I have no idea where to start.

What a cheesy movie. But it was a good cheesey movie.
Drew Barrymore is a funny actress. She's not that cute, but she plays such cute characters with tons of quirks. This movie, no different.

The worst/best part about this movie (worst or best depending on how you look at it) was the fact that it stirred up all these old teacher crushes I had back in high school. There was Mr. C, the calculus teacher who was the cutest nerd you'd ever meet with two daughters. I used to stay after class and ask him questions about derivatives even though I already knew all the answers. Then there was Mr. F, who was not only married, but his wife also was a teacher at the school. I remember leaving my books there on purpose just so I could go back in his room. Then there's Dr. H, one of my professors here, who is Australian and hilarious and I find opportunities to send him emails as often as I can.
... And then of course, there's David the Deaf TA, who's not quite a teacher per se but is still amazing.

But anyway, back to the movie. What I don't like about high school chick flick movies is how extreme all the stereotypes get. I know high school can be rough, but people just AREN'T LIKE THAT. Most of the popular kids are actually really smart, and the nerds never identify themselves as nerds that way. I guess in Junior High you get these cliques breaking off, but in High School? People stop caring. Kids grow more mature. People like you for your personality, not what you wear or what you like to do.
But I guess the movie was still plenty entertaining.

I went to an amazing World of Dance concert last night. My old roommate, Ellen, was in the show. I told her I was coming and she said she'd be there for me outside to see me after the show. But I never found her. I wonder if she forgot.

I take things like that personally. I know I probably shouldn't, but I do.

I've been thinking about my name.
It happened in Women's Chorus a couple days ago. I was called to stand up and introduce myself as the Devotional Co-Chair for Fall Semester.
"What is your name?"
"I'm Hannah."

Hannah. The name with which I identify with. The title people use when referring to that one girl with the brown hair, wacky clothes and personality to match. The word my parents thought of when they held me in their arms for the first (or second? or third?) time. A word that is solely mine, yet isn't solely mine. There are other Hannahs in the world. Furthermore, there are other Hannah Johnsons in the world. And I'm sure there have been plenty of Hannah Christina Johnsons over the years as well. So I am unique, yet not unique.
Why do I identify so much with Hannah? Why do I not see myself as a Brittany or a Deborah or a Fred? Really, what is in a name? Do I really see myself as "Hannah?" I really don't think so. I see myself more as simply "Me." "I." "Myself." However, when thinking of others, I always go strait to their superficial titles that society has given them. "Anna." "George." "Gaga." Even "Mother" or "Grandma"..

My conclusion? There is nothing in a name. Society puts them there to make communication easier, but I don't think we genuinely believe that our names are a part of who we are. At least not right away. Things may be different if I get visited by God, and he calls me by my name. Perhaps then I'll see it as a divine title and I suddenly will stop thinking "me" and start thinking "Hannah, a daughter of God."
This "me" mindset may then be replaced by a "you" mindset. Perhaps if we stopped thinking of ourselves as individuals and identify ourselves instead as one of many other named individuals in this world, we may grow closer to each other and lose some of that pride and selfishness that we so easily fall into.

This whole conversation with myself is getting rather deep. I should stop before my brain starts to hurt.

I think a good marriage can happen if one finds happiness in the routine and mundane. Think about it: A marriage is supposed to last forever. Or at least until one of the people dies. But not ever minute can be honeymoons in Tahiti or even Disneyland. You gotta make your own fireworks. You gotta be spontaneous. That may mean simply taking a shower together, or saying I love you aross the dinner table... or maybe just a dance in your own bedroom before lights-out. Keeping a marriage is not hard. It just requires a little effort, which I don't think we mortals are comfortable doing. We like to be lazy. We like things to just work out without us even trying. But of course if we all had that attitude, nothing would get done and nothing would have worth.

Okay, so I'm in love with my deaf TA.
He doesn't hear a single thing I say
But David takes my breath away
David, my deaf TA....

We just had a nice long twenty-minute conversation about eating ducks, snails, and frog's legs, about Germany and how I love to kill people, and how he thought he was ugly and he broke mirrors. Unfortunately, I didn't know what ugly meant at the time so I couldn't tell him otherwise. I just smiled and pretended to understand him. Dangit. Should have asked because then I could have given him a compliment. I may not know how to say "ugly" but I DO know how to say "cute." UGH. I am SO FULL OF REGRET!

Seriously, I love him.
And seriously, if he hasn't picked up on that yet, he's blind. I was SOOOO red last night and said he could tell I was nervous.
I really like a guy who I only see once a month who can't even speak my language!!! OF COURSE I'M NERVOUS.

But overall, it went very well and I did learn a bit. Immediately after my conference with him, I went to the library and got an extra book full of sign language phrases. Next time I go in to sign with him, I'll be a pro.

Things going on today: I ask about work, I go to a Women's Chorus meeting.
Listening to: Nothing at the moment, but "David the Deaf TA" is now stuck in my head, which is quite pleasant.
Blessings: Cute TAs, Sign Language Class, a decent morning to sleep in.

It's so nice to know someone out there loves me. And not just my parents or God or whatever, but another person who really has no reason to love me whatsoever. Someone who has met me later on in my life once I've had time to acquire those unlovable qualities that make me barely stand myself... Yet who loves me more for those very same flaws. How reassuring to know that even when times are hard, someone wants me to be as happy as I can be and is cheering for me.

Things Going on today: Our first FHE!! Also my first voice lesson which was a little spooky.
Listeining to: "Boston" by Augustana
Blessings: Applesauce, a certain letter, and my mom.

Coldplay's "Strawberry Swing" music video. Just so you can get to see what it is I'm talking about.

Tonight is the MTV Video Music Awards Show. I do not get the channel, not to mention it is the Sabbath, so I won't be watching it. But I WILL be keeping track of who wins what. And I WILL be commenting on this site whenever something interesting happens.
Tonight, Lady Gaga is nominated for 13 awards from her own works, not to mention the five that she's nominated for from Beyonce's "Video Phone." So she's already made history.
Of course, (because I do so love to share my opinions) I am going to provide you with my personal predictions and preferences in regards to every one of the categories. When it comes to the VMA's, my philosophy is that the awards should be given to the best video, not necessarily the best artists. You'll see what I mean once I get started, I think. And heeeeere we go!

BEST NEW ARTIST:
Jason DeRulo: "In My Head"
Should Win, and probably will win. Jason's got some amazing dance skills. As a best NEW ARTIST nominee, this video really shows what the guy can do and that he will stick in the biz for a while. A breakthrough artist like Jason needs to create an iconic image of himself through his videos, and I think he does that well amidst the lights and the strong rock beats.

BEST COLLABORATION:
Beyonce and Lady Gaga "Telephone"
You cannot deny that Lady Gaga and Beyonce make the best collaboration for a video this year. Their performances outshine all the other collaborations. But how to choose between "Telephone" and "Video Phone"? Here's where that whole "It's-about-the-video-not-the-artist" philosophy comes into play. "Telephone" is obviously a more thought-out, artistically stimulating, complete video experience. There's a plot, rad imagery, and great dancing. "Video Phone" just has a lot of plastic guns and booty-shaking. It just does not compare to the artistry and sophisitication that "Telephone" presents us with. But does the world agree? I really can't be sure on this one.

BEST DANCE VIDEO:
Lady Gaga "Bad Romance"
Should win. Will win. There is no comparison to the level of artistic vision that this video possesses. I like dance videos that are more than just dancing. All these other nominees besides "Bad Romance" is just a club scene that you see over and over again in video after video. I had to stop watching the Cascada one because it was just soooo monotonous. Let's make the dancing interesting. How do we do it? Weird alien costumes, underwear, and fire, of course!

BEST FEMALE VIDEO:
This one's hard. I want "Bad Romance" to win because I want to see Gaga do well, but I get the feeling Tay-Tay is gonna take this one. "Fifteen" is a GREAT video! It's artsy, tells a story, leaves behind a great message, really brings out the best in Taylor. It's a beautiful experience for both the eyes and the ears. Way to go!
I also liked Katy Perry's silly music video. It was very colorful and fun and the costumes were great. Some people say it's annoying to have a video that doesn't really go along with the lyrics of the music, but I like it when directors play with your mind and make you go out and look for connections. The "Telephone" video is the same way for me.

BEST HIP HOP VIDEO:
DEFINITELY Eminem. Hands-down. This video speaks to so many. The lyrics are triumphant and fit well in the setting in which Shady is placed. Furthermore, it is incredibly well-crafted. I wonder how many artists can portray the edge of the earth, the end of the world, as well as was done in this video. Second place would definitely go to "Airplanes," but there's really nothing more than Hayley and B.o.b. just sitting around and singing, which can get a little boring. The rest of these videos are just fluff and not worth watching.

BEST MALE VIDEO:
Eminem again, mainly because B.o.b.'s video has a girl in it and the rest of them are (once again) just singers standing around or talking to girls. The emotion in Em's video runs so high and there are such breathtaking climaxes in the cinematography that go so well with his lyricism. I think the world understands this and will pick this video for the award. Props, Em, Props.

BEST POP VIDEO:
This one's hard. I love "Nothin' on You." It's a fun song that's presented in a really cool method. But is it POP? Does it define POP? No. Does Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" define POP? Sadly, no. It's more futuristic, Euro-rave, club scene. So this video needs the POP quality that fits the award. Katy Perry's "Calfornia Gurls" fits this well. Candy, rappers, naked women, colors, and fun. Yes. This is POP. As for what the real world thinks, it's a toss-up.

BEST ROCK VIDEO:
Let's first narrow it down by getting rid of the ones that WON'T win. Sorry, Florence and the Machine and MGMT. And let's get rid of "Ignorance" too. You can only have so much of hayley williams singing with a lightbulb in her hand. So now we're down to 30 Seconds to Mars and Muse. I LOVE the Muse video, but I think it's the song that makes it so great more than the video does. Once again, I'm rating the VIDEO, not the band or even simply the music. 30STM has not only an epic song, but an epic video to go with it. They should take the Moonman. Sadly, I don't think voters distinguish as well as I do what it means to have a good video, so they'll probably pick Paramore.

VIDEO OF THE YEAR:
Also very hard, but "Telephone" should take it. Why? It has changed history! It's not just a music video, it's a short film! In that 8 minutes of amazing, you get intrigue, skilled choreography, amazing costumes, and two of the world's biggest divas in one place. How much more epic can you get? This video DEFINES 2010. People will never look at music videos in the same way after "Telephone." I am very confident that it will win.

BEST ART DIRECTION:
I'm not a professional critic, so I don't have the best understanding of what it means for art to be well-directed, but I will say that "Bad Romance" seemed like a pretty hard undertaking that turned out very very successful. It touches on everything people love about music videos. A catchy tune, a recognizable dance, iconic costumes, and a storyline (of sorts). Few of the other videos do it for me.

BEST CHOREOGRAPHY:
Janelle Monae's "Tightrope" has some WICKED dance moves. It takes real skill simply to dance that choreography, much less make it up. To have another one of those videos take this award when such artistry lies before us would be a real shame.

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY:
"Empire State of Mind" has such a moving backdrop of epic Manhatten scenery. Plus I love the black-and-white touch. And in the end, you get the color and the lights and the Jay-Z and the Alicia Keys. It's quite perfect, really. Class and sophistication for a very classy and sophisticated rap.

BEST DIRECTION:
I really feel like "Telephone" should win this one even though it's not even part of the lineup. I think the way Jonas Akerulnd responded to the vision as wacky as Lady Gaga's was simply phenomenal. But since it's not even a nominee, I will take Gaga's "Bad Romance" as a good enough substitute, for very similar reasons. The mood that is evoked in that video is very wacky and it takes some serious thought and artistry to put something like that together. Furthermore, unlike any of the other videos which just requires either standing and singing or mass movement, some actual ACTING had to occur in the "Bad Romance" video. Ergo, a skilled director was required.

BEST EDITING:
Mike Snow's "Animal" must have taken some KILLER editing. All those different shots put together? How could it not win?

BEST SPECIAL EFFECTS:
I am VERY torn between Green Day's "21st Century Breakdown" and Dan Black's "Symphonies." I think I'll give it to Dan Black simply because the VARIETY of special effects present in that video is much more impressive than just black-and-white splash ink in 21st Century Breakdown. But they are both GREAT videos, nonetheless. I also appreciate Muse, but again, it's not enough to keep in the running. I'm wondering where exactly the special effects happen in the Lady Gaga music video, to be quite honest.

BREAKTHROUGH VIDEO:
I like all these videos, but "Strawberry Swing" is by far one of the GREATEST videos I've ever seen and completely deserves the title "Breakthrough." Whoever thought of that idea should be given a huge hug. It's a happy video, a creative medium, and definitely painstakingly thought through and executed. Well, done, Coldplay!!! Moonman for you!!

So... Gaga deserves 5 awards. That sounds like a good amount. It would take a miracle for her to sweep all of the awards she was nominated for. It would be amazing and incredible and a great, but impossible. Besides, there's just too many other great artists that hardly get any recognition whatsoever that I feel need some time to shine.
So go Gaga! Win the awards you deserve and let's enjoy the VMA's!!

Okay so my old roommates did that thing again where they all got together and did something without even bothering to invite me. I suppose half of them live together, but if they still took the time to call the other ones over -- some live only a block away from me -- and didn't bother to tell me to meet them up too, I would say this is a definite sign that they don't care about me or my feelings. Or they may simply not know me very well. They may just be assuming that I have "my new friends now" and that I don't care about them. But you'd think after living with me for seven and a half months they'd figure stuff like that out by now and realize that yes, I do care about them and yes, it does hurt me when they go off and do a bunch of fun things together without inviting me. It just screams "I DON'T LIKE YOU" and that causes me to wonder what there is not to like about myself, and then I start listing all of the things that are wrong with me and that list can get pretty large.
I suppose they did come and give me a cake on my birthday. Maybe I'm just so ungrateful and pessimistic that I forget all the good things my friends do for me. But I feel like the negatives far outweigh the positives right now.

Things Going On Today: Saw 2 apostles, ate a great tomato salad, and tonight's the VMA's.
Listening to: ... nothing at the moment... wow.
Blessings: New roommates, and the fact that I live in Utah so I can see general authorities much more often than in Minnesota.

I'm always changing the layout of my blogs because I have never found one that has completely matched my personality. This one is no exception.
But I thought it was cute and definitely more interesting than just plain white background so we're gonna just have this for some time.

It's way too late for me to be up right now, so I'll end there.

Things Going on Today: Lunch with Aubrey, Emily, and Riley. Lots of lounging. Wrote a song.
Listening To: "I Feel Immortal" by Tarja Turunen
Blessings: Weekends. Music.

What a great video and what a great song!! This is one of Tarja's deepest songs I've heard.

This whole album seems really good. Really goth. Really good.

What a great video and what a great song!! This is one of Tarja's deepest songs I've heard.

This whole album seems really good. Really goth. Really good.

Ok. So I watched 2 Peter Pan-inspired movies this weekend with my roommates:

1. HOOK

I got this movie for my twentieth birthday. Apparently it was sitting in the bottom of a box in my mother's closet for months but she never thought about giving it to me until now. Which is quite unfortunate, because I really like this movie and had I owned it for a long time I would have it memorized by now, like my cousin Aubrey. Her younger brother, my cousin Taggart, is obsessed with this movie. Exactly why he loves THIS movie over any other is still unknown to me, but I also think it is an excellent family film.
Robin Williams is one of my favorite actors, and Dustin Hoffman portrays the infamous Captain Hook very well. The plot is also quite clever. I wonder how many of us wonder what would have happened if Peter Pan ever DID leave Neverland and what kind of a man he would be.
Favorite Parts: Rufio, Robin Williams, Maggie Smith (the ultimate Old Lady), Hook's Costume, "Firefly from Hell," and the incredibly elaborate sets.
Least Favorite Parts: The cheesey song the girl sings, Julia Roberts as Tinkerbell, the corny "family values" message, and the silly 90's clothes and technology.




2. FINDING NEVERLAND

This movie is my second favorite Johnny Depp movie, aside from the POTC series, of course. I love him when he's cleanshaven and speaking in a Scottish accent. I remember seeing this movie and loving it when I was very young but I forgot most of it, so watching it now was like watching it for the first time. This movie is bittersweet, for sure, but the thing that is most depressing for me is the fact that I have completely lost the childlike whimsy this film portrays. I used to have an imagination just as powerful as Barry's and the children's, but I have long since lost it. Watching films like these makes me want to be a kid again.
Favorite Parts: Johnny Depp, of course. Peter Ostrum, the child actor, is incredible. I wish he would never grow old. The death of Sylvia is also very moving, as well as the end of the entire movie.
Least Favorite Parts: The wife, and the frustrations about childhood fantasy that I have already mentioned earlier.

-- William Carlos Williams

Listening to: "Please Read the Letter" by Robert Plant and Alison Krauss

Things going on today: TGIF. Party? aaaaand.... Emily.

Blessings: More emily. Plums.

I've been thinking a lot about my time in Joy School. When I was four and five years old.

Oh, boy. I've got joy.
I do, I do.
It starts in my heart
and spreads to my head
in a minute or two.
And did you know
it can grow on my toe?
And keep my knees
So they don't freeze?
I feel so neat
from my head to my feet
when I've got joy.

Oh, boy. I've got joy.
I do, I do.
It starts in my heart
and spreads to my head
in a minute or two.
But the best place it shows
is below my nose.
For a mile or two
I've got a smile for you.
I feel so neat
from my head to my feet
when I've got joy.

I've got joy.

I've got joy.

I am twenty years old.

Do you know how WEIRD that sounds??
It's early. My roommates woke me up at six thirty in the morning with a birthday crepe (yep, you read that right. CREPE.) and a candle. Emily accidently blew the candle out while singing but that was okay.

The funny thing about this morning experience was I was in the very epicenter of a full-fledged dream. I was at a family gathering up at my grandparents' house. It was almost like a Grad party, with tables and chairs set up outside and a big table full of plates, knives, forks, etc. in a garage that in reality does not exist at my g'rents home. All of my mom's side of the family was there, including this white dog that no one seemed to own. This dog liked shoes, and so we'd chase it around trying to play keep-away with these random blue and white shoes that nobody seemed to own. The West girls were there, which was also random. Apparently, I was engaged, though my fiancee was nowhere to be found. But anyway, all I really remember doing is running around the house chasing after this dog with these shoes. But suddenly I decided to go into that garage and talk with my mom about throwing parties like this. I'm in the doorway to the garage when I suddenly hear singing behind me. I turn around to see who's birthday it is...

And then I realize the people singing are my roommates. With a birthday crepe. At the foot of my bed in my apartment. It's my birthday.

I am twenty years old.

Nope. Never gonna get over that one.

At this moment, I am very scared that I am trying to put too much on my plate. There's my classes, there's church callings and activities, and now I am trying to find time for a job in the morning. Plus there's service projects I have to do, concerts I have to sing in, and then there's the homework/eating/sleep/grocery shopping/laundry/LIFE I have to throw in there as well. It just feels like a lot and I am not sure I can handle it all.

But there's always this little part of me that says "Hannah? You did it before, you can do it again. This too shall pass. Everything will work out." That little part of me is probably right. I may have to sacrifice a few things... maybe I won't have as much free time as I had before, for example. But it will all be worthwhile in the end because I will have a nice 4.0, a fat wallet, and a clean and healthy apartment-dwelling lifestyle. Perhaps this just means I need to pray to the Lord for more strength and guidance.

Maybe the reason I don't pray is because I'm afraid of what I might hear. I never thought of that before...

Things Going On Today: Got a birthday package from my 'rents (50 dollars worth of subway!! CRAZY, I know!), ASL class, gotta get a paper written by tomorrow.
I am thankful for: My parents giving me 200 dollars.
Listening to: Nothing, at the moment. But I'll probably turn on my grooveshark in a little bit once I get started on that paper and who knows what I'll hear...

... listening to Owl City on the Oregon Coastline with your Family.

A few interesting things have happened to me this week. Most of them made me start thinking about what love actually is and what it means. I've come to this conclusion: I don't know how to love yet. I know how to act like I love someone, and I know that someday I will know how to love someone, but I just don't actually love anybody yet.

I have come to two conclusions about my personal relationship with love. The first is that I now know what it feels like to do something for someone, with someone, TO someone that should require love, but didn't. I'm really not in the mood to write down any details but lets just say I felt absolutely nothing. It meant nothing. There is no attatchment, no passion, no emotion whatsoever. Furthermore, there is no regret, no remorse, no shame either. It's just empty. I look back and I remember it and it should be a happy memory, but it's not. It's not a bad memory, either. It's just a memory. Yikes, that's not supposed to happen. I feel I'm becoming less and less human with every relationship I form.
The second conclusion involves another romantic encounter I have had this past week. This one was not as direct or discreditable. It involved a man expressing his feelings about me against his better judgement. This was a man I thought I loved, but now that I've finally had those feelings reciprocated, I'm not sure if it's love anymore. As a matter of fact, I KNOW what I felt for this guy wasn't love. As I think about it now, I realize there are a lot of things I have to be willing to sacrifice in order to love him, and I'm not ready to sacrifice those things yet. I may end up loving him in the future, but at this point, all I feel is that empty feeling again. That feeling of robotic non-emotion. This is not love.
That's the bad news. The good news is that it's not lust, either. I had a physical relationship with this guy, but it has long since been over and now I wonder if I even really find him attractive. The answer is no, but yes. I find his personality and charm attractive, and I think that counts for something much deeper than looks. So if it's not love, and it's not lust, what is it? Fascination? Infatuation? Fear, even? What is happening to me? Will I ever be able to truly love a man for everything he is, or will it all just be this plastic, selfish, love-lust crossover that I feel right now?

This makes me wish boys didn't even exist.

Paragraph 1: Kay guys, so there's a lot of haters out there who say I'm a liar. They say I'm good at sweet-talking, but I'm really not. I just tell it like it is in my own way.
2: The people who accuse me can be split into two groups. There's the group that steered you wrong when you were young and impressionable. Of course you followed them becaus we there was no one to tell you otherwise. But now there are also people who are living today who manipulate and are fed by envy and malice. I'll deal with the old ones first, then the new.
3: I hope I can win your hearts, though I know it won't be easy. But let God's will be done.
4: What do my accusers say? They say Socrates teaches false doctrine. Aristophanes even wrote a play that made fun of me. But that's not my business. My business is to tell you the truth, and it's your business to judge it.
5: I am not a paid teacher, though I respect the profession. There's a story told of a man with two sons. I asked the man, "If your kids were horses, you'd give 'em to a horse trainer. But there isn't a people-trainer, is there?" The man told me yes, there was. And he taught for cheap, despite all his wisdom." Heaven's, I'm surprised he doesn't charge more! I know I would... but I can't. So I don't.
6: Well then why do people accuse me of this, then? Surely there must be some grounds for it? Well, it's because I'm "wise." I'm not wise in an unattainable sense, but as God is my witness, I am the wisest. The oracle at Delphi said so.
7: But I don't think I'm the wisest! Why would God say that? God can't lie. That's against his nature! So I decided to go out and look for a man wiser than myself. I went to this politician, who I thought was very wise at first. But it turned out the more I talked to him, the less wise he became. He thought he was wise, but he wasn't. So he hated me. I came to the conclusion that I am better off than he is -- because he thinks he knows something, yet knows nothing. I don't even think I know. This applied to every "wise" person I talked to.
8: After experimenting on this, I became more sure that "wise" people are actually very foolish -- it's the inferior men who know more. After politicians, I went to the poets. I asked what their verses meant, but all they did was brag about how "inspired" they are. They wrote the stuff, but they didn't understand it. So they're not wise, either.
9: I went to the artisans next. They knew a lot of stuff... but they still thoght they knew more than they actually did. I'm still better off!
10: So that's why people hate me. I am not wise. Only God is wise. Our wisdom is nothing. You are only wise when you come to understand that wisdom is worth nothing. So it's my job to get people to realize their own foolishness. I'm consumed by this quest.
11: People react towards me rather than towards themselves when they hear this. They blame me, even though I did nothing evil. They don't like to be told they are wrong. I'm simply plain with my accusers, and they hate me for it. This hatred is proof that I speak truth.
12: So that's the OLD accusers. Now for the new. What do THEY accuse me of? They say I don't worship God and I corrupt youth. They are, in fact, the evil ones -- they make a joke out of serious things -- they claim they care, but the don't. I'll have a conversation with one of them: Mr. Meletus.

S: So you care about youth?
M: Yes.
S: Who is improving them? You've accused me as their corrupter... who is their improver?
M: Speechless.
S: You've got nothing to say. How shameful! Doesn't this mean you don't care??
M: The laws!
S: But I need a person! Who knows the laws?
M: Judges.
S: How do they improve youth? Do they?
M: yes.
S: All of them?
M: yes.
S: Good! Does the audience improve youth?
M: Yes.
S: And Senators too?
M: Senators, too.
S: What about ecclesiats?
M: Them too.
S: That's like everyone in Athens, then! Everyone but me!
M: You got that right.
S: Too bad! But... what about horses? Does only one man do them harm? No... many injure them. Sometimes it's just the trainer who does them good. There is never just one corrupter. Obviously you don't care enough about the children to think of this. Obviously it's better to live among good people, Right?
M: Yep.
S: Does anyone like to be injured?
M: Nope.
S: so you think I intentionally corrupt youth?
M: Yes.
S: But you just said that good neighbors are good doers... why would I want to corrupt someone if he's gonna injure me? So either I don't corrupt them, or I do it unintentionally. Either way, you lie. If I did it unintentionally, you should have privately corrected me. Instead you bring me here to be punished! One more thing. How do I corrupt the young? Am I worshipping false gods?
M: you are.
S: What do you mean? I believe in Gods. So I'm not an atheist. Are my Gods different from the laws?
M: I believe you're an atheist.
S: Why?? I believe in the Gods of the sun and moon!
M: Yet you believe the sun is stone and the moon is earth.
S: That's Anaxagoras... but what about me?
M: You don't believe in God!
S: Liar! You don't even believe yourself! You thought you could get away with being a walking contradiction, but you can't! This is a joke! Let's look at this guy, judges, and see. you can't see a flute player without flute playing. you can't see horsemanship without horses. Neither can you see divine agencies without God, right?
M: Right.
S: I believe in spiritual agencies! I believe in divine beings, I believe in God! Spirits and demigods are all God, right?
M: Right.
S: If I believe in a demigod -- a child of god -- I believe in the parent! I can't say mules exist without horses and donkeys. Nonsense! You have nothing to accuse me of. Yet I still have many enemies: envy and distraction. That kills a lot of people.

12: Am I ashamed? Am I ashamed of dying? No. It's not about life or death, it's about right or wrong. We shouldn't worry about death, but honor. That's what Achilles did.
13: This is a mission God wants me to fulfill -- to deny this mission is to deny him. I'd think I was wise, even though I'm not. Fear of death is the pretence of wisdom. No one knows what comes after death. Why pretend to know? That's foolish! Death may be bad, but it may also be good -- why avoid what is good? I will obey God rather than man. I care about deeper truths -- not money and reputation, but improvement of the soul. A guy can't do this without virtue. Don't think of yourself and your properties. Care about your soul. After that, you'll get those other things. I will not change.
14: If you kill me, you will injure yourself more than me. Bad things can't really hurt me. To kill an innocent man is bad for you! Don't sin against God. I'm like a gadfly, and the state is like a horse. I stir it to life -- I land on you and wake you up. I'm not easily replaced. You may be irritated by me -- you may wanna kill me and keep sleeping, but dontt! I'm like your brother! I don't seek payment!
15: Why do I not publicly do this? Why am I not a politician? The oracle has forbidden me. If I was a politician, you wouldn't see me today to help you still. I'd die early.
16: I'll give you an example: I was a Senator for a while. We had won a battle, but our prisoners needed to be tried. You wanted to try them all together, but that's illegal. I said so, even though you threatened to kill me. Later, after the democracy, the oligarchy told us to bring another prisoner, but he was innocent, so I didn't ring him. I would have died if the oligarchy had survived.
17: Now do you see how I wouldn't have survived in politics? I simply tell it like it is, and invite all to follow -- no pay needed. I am no respecter of persons. I tell the world.
18: I like it when foolish people argue with me. it's fun! But I'm doing my godly duty. if I'm corrupting children, how? They're turning out to be pretty decent people! Let those who believe they have been corrupted come forward! Or their families! Anyone? I see a lot of you here! You all know I speak truth.
19: One more thing: To those who may be offended by my presence here -- all by myself, not fearing death -- I am a man, flesh and blood. I have a family, yes. but I won't bring them here. That would be discreditable. Some people act really stupid when they're accused of something. People fear death -- they want to be immortal, continuing to live. These people are wimps. They make the city look ridiculous.
20: Judges need to give justice according to the laws. Don't bribe them. Remember: Believe in God, and it is before him that I make my argument.
21: I've been condemned, but I don't grieve. Why? I expected it. In fact, the vote was closer in my favor than I expected.
22: They propose death. Remember, I don't care about things of the world. I only went about doing what good that I could. I've besought of you to look inside yourselves and find virtue. Good comes from good. A good poor man deserves more than an athlete who won a race. I need, but he has enough.
23: I'm not begging innocence. I'm just saying Ive never wronged anyone. I don't think a capital offense should be concluded in one day, either. I have too little time to convince you. I don't deserve death, but I don't fear it. I may be imprisoned instead of put to death, but death may be better than imprisonment. I'd hate to be exiled, separated from he people I serve. Besides, I'll get kicked out wherever I go. I can't hold my tongue. To converse about virtue is the greatest good of man. A life unexamined is not worth living. I have no money, so I can pay no fines.
24: Your name will be shamed because you killed me, Socrates, a wise man. you should have waited to see the reward of my words. To those who convicted me, it wasn't my words that bothered you. It's cuz I didn't cry and beg for forgiveness. I was bold til the end. I did not try to escape death. I did not surrender. I avoided unrighteousness, not death. Now you'll be the unrighteous ones. You'll have your reward.
25: I have a prophecy: You'll get much worse than me. You'll still have to face the music -- there will be others who will tell it like it is like I did. you can't avoid accusation by killing people. Don't kill others, improve yourselves.
26: My friends, stay and let me talk to you. The oracle didn't disapprove of anything I did today. Nothing. How can we explain this? It means that everything I said was meant to be said. it was good. Death can't be bad. It's good!
27: Death is either nothing or it is something. It's either utter unconsciousness or it is a migration to a new world. So I either have a nice sleep to look forward to -- a deep undisturbed sleep with no dreams -- which would be great -- eternity is only a single night. But if death is a journey, that's good too! He's delivered from the evils of this world -- true judgment reigns. We'll see good men -- and we can talk to them! I'd love this! I'd continue my search for knowledge among great heroes! I will be happy and immortal!
28: No evil can happen to a good man. Nothing happens by chance. God loves good men. To die is better for me. I am not angry! I gently blame them for trying to do me wrong, but they didn't.
29: Teach my sons what I taught you, please! Reprove them if they pretend to be wise or seek riches.
30: I'm gonna die now. God only knows what's next.