MERRY CHRISTMAS:

Some highlights of Christmas Day 2010:

I got to sleep in until 7:45 before Ellen, Nathan, and Mom dragged me outa bed.

I got a blanket, a coat, more Subway, and (my favorite) a Lady Gaga calendar.

Christmas Dinner included funeral potatoes, sweet potatoes, bubbly, and cheesecake.

I watched Elf, Star Wars, and Muppet Christmas Carol.

I played the piano, sang some songs, made some music with family members.

I showed my sister more of my apartment.

Lots of food, lots of gifts, lots of sleep.

Sounds like a Christmas well spent.

And I'm so excited for tomorrow cuz I get to wear my new purple Christmas dress! (Pictures will be posted...)

Blessings: Family, gifts, the Birth of the Savior.

Listening to: "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree."

Things going on today: CHRISTMAS.

Friday Dream: Hansel and Gretl

I had this dream last night (while sleeping on the couch in my grandmother's house) that the story of Hansel and Gretl was actually an allegory for this strange magic that allowed you to move things with your mind. Apparently Hansel represented the emotional and passionate part of the brain while Gretl represented the logical. The moment you unlock the logical, structured part of the brain, you could move things just by focusing on them and the things that make it up. It was a very interesting, very real dream. I remember I was in a courtyard at the Riviera looking for Collin, so overcome with emotion I was moving things without trying. Apparently Emily and Collin's mother died, and I had to go tell him the bad news. But he was a little lest phased by it than I was. Not sure why.

When I woke up, I tried to move a magazine across the table using the Hansel/Gretl technique, but I couldn't do it. I was depressed.

Blessings: My family, the gifts I get for Christmas.
Things Going on Today: It's Christmas Eve!!
Listening To: One EskimO: "Kandi"

Christmas Traditions

Because I'm around so many different people nowadays, I'm learning a lot of new ways to celebrate the season of giving. So I thought I'd just record -- for posterity's sake -- a few Christmas traditions I've had in my house while growing up.

• Mom always makes (or buys, if the season is particularly busy) pajamas for the kids. She also gets us Christmas dresses that we all wear the Sunday before Christmas.
• Christmas Eve, we read the Christmas story from the Bible. I also like reading the Christmas story as told in 3 Nephi, when the Nephites saw the star in the sky as a sign of the Savior's birth.
• The following movies are watched annually in December: Irving Berlin's White Christmas, The Muppet Christmas Carol, It's a Wonderful Life, and A Charlie Brown Christmas. This year, we're adding the movie Scrooge to the list.
• For most of my childhood, Christmas has been spent in Provo, Utah. We've broken that tradition a few times, like when Grandma and Grandpa were on a mission, or the last Christmas spent in Grandma Doro's house, or when I came home for the holidays last year. But most of the time, it's in Provo. Christmas Day is the day when all the extended family comes to Grandma's house and eats a big meal.
• Santa does not wrap our gifts. He lays them out on the couches, all in neat displays for each child. I think this saves him a lot of wrapping expenses and it keeps Christmas from being too wasteful.
• Santa also puts candy canes up on the Christmas tree.
• Pomegranites have always been my favorite Christmas food. We also get chocolate-covered cherries, oranges in our stockings -- both of fruit and Terry's chocolate varieties --, a toothbrush, underwear, and a DVD of some sort. That DVD is usually watched sometime on Christmas Day.
• Christmas Day is not a day of custom for our family. Just a day of food preparation and chillaxing on the couch, enjoying the day off. Usually I end up wearing either my pajamas all day or the new clothes I just got from Santa.
• When opening presents from each other, we always go oldest to youngest.
• One of the benefits of having divorced grandparents on one side means that we have two Christmas Celebrations in Minnesota. One with Grandpa Harlan and our Jordan Johnson cousins, and one just with the immediate family and Grandma Doro. I missed both of those celebrations this year, but I still get the presents tomorrow on Christmas Day.
• Mom only likes real Christmas trees. She also likes her country hearth-and-home ornaments with a twinge of rustic farm feel to them. This means checkered bows, wooden nativity ornaments, and no tinsel. A very nice-looking glass star is put on the top of the tree.
• Mom is a crafty type, and she's made about six different advent calendars that are spread throughout the house. My favorite one was always the tree with beads that you pulled from one side to the other as each day passed. She's also recently made one that consists of 25 nativity pieces that you put up one by one in a manger scene. The last one is always the Christ Child.
• Mom has a very distinct Christmas decorating pattern. The living room has all the nativities, as well as the Christmas tree. The family room is chock-full of Santas, and the front entryway has the snowmen. She hangs up Christmas cards that we get from others on these cool ribbon holders she made a few years back. We put garlands up the staircase banister, sometimes with ribbons, sometimes with beads, sometimes with both. Lights outside the house have always been white in the past, but recently she's let color sneak in around the doorway. Candle lights are put in each window.
• My step-grandma Mary always invites us kids over to make candy houses at her place. In the past, they've always been these cardboard houses that we then decorate. Our friend Blaire has always come with us.
• We always visit the Macy's/Dayton's/Marshall Field's Christmas display in downtown Minneapolis. Each year they dedicate an entire floor of their complex to creating a magical storybook world you walk through. I remember seeing the Twelve Days of Christmas, a Christmas Carol, the Nutcracker, the Grinch, Mary Poppins, Wind in the Willows, Peter Pan, Harry Potter... I could go on.
• Up until our eighteenth birthdays, Grandma Doro gives her grandchildren two-dollar bills. One for every year they have lived.
• Grandma Gardner always gives us these special metal ornaments with our names etched onto them.
• If it snows, which it usually does in MN, we make a snowman with the classic coal eyes, carrot nose, scarf, buttons, the whole shebang. It usually doesn't last very long, though. It either gets knocked down by other neighborhood kids or falls apart because Minnesota weather is bipolar and it gets super warm super fast at random intervals during the holiday season. (The cold sets in for good somewhere in January.)
• Music we listen to during Christmas season: Manheim Steamroller, Kurt Bestor, Bing Crosby, and this one CD from Recksburg College that my mom just won't get rid of with all of these super country-sounding Chrirstmas ditties on it.
• Dad and I are considered the Grinches of the house because we are never awake as early as the rest of the family on Christmas morning. It has become an unwritten rule that the two younger siblings as well as my mother need to pry us out of bed to get our rears downstairs.
• We always take this picture of us on the staircase (or on the couch in the family room, if we're in Utah) right before we go in to see our Christmas booty. I always look terrible, with bedhead and no makeup and this dazed, just-got-forced-out-of-bed expression on my face. Mom also uses the video camera on us as we go in and see the boons for the first time.
• We try to go carolling every year. I remember last year, Dad got ticketed for running a stop sign. To top it off, he didn't have his driver's license with him, either. Still a good service experience, though.
• Every year our Ward puts on a Christmas party. The biggest thing I can remember about those is the live nativity scene that is put on by the couple with the youngest baby in the ward. There's also usually a live santa as well.
• Seminary, we have a white elephant gift exchange or a Secret Santa.

Ten Albums that Define My Life

I love the self-expression that a person can achieve through music, which is why I really don't hate any one specific musical genre. Country, rap, jazz, classical, pop... it's all trying to do the same thing. Send a message. Whether it be a person's sadness over a lost dog, a lost lover, or a lost religion, a song can really evoke what mere words cannot. And I can find something worthwhile in any piece of music created. I'm not that picky.

HOWEVER... I am perfetly aware that not all songs are created equal. I definitely show my share of favoritism in regards to music. If you take a look at my iPod or my Grooveshark account, you will definitely see a few patterns. I, personally, am more prone to the pop/rock/easy listening styles. There's stuff I grew up with -- Hanson, the Beach Boys, certain Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals -- that holds a special place in my heart. I particularly like my symphonic metal and female-fronted rock groups. I always crave Rob Thomas, Barenaked Ladies, and of course the Gaga. I like classical music, but I'd much rather listen to classical music from the 1800s than that minimalist stuff of the twentieth century. I like country, but I prefer female country voices to male. I like jazz, but vocal rather than instrumental. You'll also notice that I'm not a very deep music-lover. I like what's on the radio, the singles, the popular bands. I am in no way "indie" or "fringe."

Really, though, I'm not ashamed of the music I listen to. I think the music I cherish is the music that defines me best, and I shouldn't be ashamed of who I am.

All this is supposed to culminate to something, isn't it? Ah, yes! My top ten albums that define my life. The following is a list of the albums that mean the most to me, personally. I'm not saying they're the first things I want to listen to NOW. In fact, some of these CD's have been overplayed in my life to the point of nausea and now I can hardly stand them. But they each have some degree of importance to me. These are the CDs that epitomize who I am. These are the CDs that I've spent a great deal of time with. They're the kinds of CDs that have gotten me with every song, not just one or two tracks. They're CDs with meaning, with history, with stories behind them. These are the albums that have not just been music to me, but a lifestyle.



1.) Lady Gaga's The Fame Monster.

I should point out as well that this list is not in any particular order, but I supposed I should start out with the one that has impacted my life most recently first. You already know that I am a HUGE Lady Gaga fan. I love her fashion, her panache, her ferocious rebellion against all things normal and conventional. But why The Fame Monster for one of those life-changing CD's? I mean, it's all meaningless pop and dance music about sex and alcohol. Why did I not even choose her debut album, The Fame? Well, ladies and gentlemen, I think the answer to these questions lies in how well her music corresponds with her performance, fashion, and panache that exists outside the music. Lady Gaga is a master of making her music and her performances go hand in hand. Take, for example, her incredible performance of "Telephone" and "Dance in the Dark" at the BRITS last year. Or her performance of "Speechless" with Elton John at the Grammys? Her performances during the Monster Ball of "So Happy I Could Die" and "Teeth" are unforgettable as well. What I've learned from this album is that every song, every track, has a meaning for Gaga. She planned every little detail of the album, down to the last sound effect. She's made art out of pop, and that's inspired me to do the same.

2. Rob Thomas: Cradlesong

The reason why this one is on the list is because it's a CD I simply cannot get tired of. There's a song for every mood, every emotion, every situation I could ever be in. If I feel like a relationship isn't going anywhere, I listen to "Snowblind." If I need a pick-me-up in the morning when I'm going to another dreaded day of work, I pop in "Real World '09." If I'm in a reminiscing mood, "Cradlesong's" the one for me. I also am in love with "Fire on the Mountain" and "Give me the Meltdown." Every song on this CD is so catchy and amazing. I don't think it will ever get old for me.

3. My Chemical Romance: The Black Parade

This song was my anthem for sophomore year of High School. It represented the angst, the drama, the disillusionment that I was feeling at the time. I was obsessed with the concept of the album, the dreamy quality of it. "Welcome to the Black Parade" is definitely the best song. But I also totally dig "Famous Last Words," "The Sharpest Lives," "Teenagers," and "Disenchanted." This whole CD just reminds me of my preteen life. The friends I had, the doodles I drew in the margins, the clothes I wore. This album is an important piece of me.

4. Clay Aiken: Measure of a Man

I'll never forget when I got this CD for Easter when I was fifteen. I listened to it over and over again. I also will never forget when I got to see him front row at the Minnesota State Fair that same year. That stirred the obsession that caused an entire half of a wall to be covered with his picture. I don't like Clay as much as I did then, of course. But the CD still is with me. His voice is still great. The songs are still good. The nostalgia when I listen to "No More Sad Songs" or "I Survived You." Man, I love that guy.

5. Evanescence: Fallen. Probably the soundtrack of my entire life. The epitome of who I am. This CD made me love music. It made me play the piano. It made me dress the way I do. Sing the way I do. Ben Moody and Amy Lee have successfully combined my two favorite genres --classical vocals and orchestration with heavy metal -- in a way I have never heard before and have never yet heard since. I love every single song on this album. I can't choose a favorite. This does not happen often. I seriously can't pick one over the other. Even the lesser-known ones. To top it off, there's no swearing, no sex, no nothing. Just raw music. Raw amazingness. I will never forget this CD. This was the first CD I listened to where I liked EVERY SINGLE SONG ON THE ALBUM EQUALLY.  This is huge.  You know how on an album, you really like the first couple of songs, all the singles, and maybe the last song which is a big finale?  Well Ev -- no.  Every song.  Every time.  Even now -- years and years and years later -- I listen to every single song on that album, never skipping.  This was the album that got me into my rock obsession, my gothy clothing style, and my love of piano.  This album changed my life.  Not EEEVEN JOKING.  Amy Lee became a goddess.  Evanescence is a path to musical nirvana.  It's a shame the band died so soon after it was born.  Two CD's later, and they have bored me.


6. Billy Gilman: Dare to Dream

This CD still gets to me. I grew up with Billy Gilman and this was definitely his high point. It was also at a high point in my life. Sixth grade. I had everything going for me. And this was just good "in the mood" music for me at the time. I think back on those times when I tried to close myself off from the world with that giant portable CD player and tracks like "She's Everything You Want," "Some things I Know," and "You Don't You Won't." I wish both Billy and I could have stayed twelve forever.

7. Charlotte Church: Prelude: The Best of Charlotte Church.

Another childhood favorite. Charlotte Church gave me a voice. Going to see her with Mary back when I was eleven was such an inspiration for me. It made me think of the history I could make for myself with my voice. I remember practicing upstairs in my room with the door closed, trying to hit all the same notes, pronounce all those hard italian lyrics, just like Charlotte. Of course, she is in no way the best singer in the world, but she was almost my age at the time, someone I could aspire to be like. I picked her Best of CD because it's a nice conglomerate of all the things I loved about her.

8. Hanson: Middle of Nowhere

I promise this is the last album that takes a trip down Hannah's memory lane. Hanson is the first artist/group of artists I can remember ever really liking. This was truly the first time I ever consciously thought to myself, "Hey, I like this song. I want to hear more." This was back in, say, third grade. Maybe even earlier. I remember borrowing this CD from the library and listening to it over and over again downstairs in what was then the unfinished basement. I'd listen to it with friends, most of the time. But I remember reading through the lyric book, trying to memorize every word but having trouble hearing them with their funny high voices. I bought the CD for good last summer and I still love it. Sure, the lyrics are a little passe, but they were twelve-year-old boys for goodness' sake! That's talent!! I'll never disregard true talent!

9.  Lady Gaga: Born this Way

Yes, I must include another Lady Gaga album in here.  While a lot of these albums I've described have epitomized a certain part of my angsty and dramatic childhood, I must include the album that defines my current life here at college.  I am now a Senior at BYU, and many things have changed.  My opinion of myself has shrunk significantly.  I am definitely a small fish, surrounded by people who are smarter, prettier, and more talented than I am.  Sometimes that has prevented me from getting things that I want.  And when that happens, I sometimes really look down on myself for trying in the first place.  It's sad, but oh so true.  But there is no need to worry about me.  I have some amazing role models in my life, and one of them is this powerful woman named Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta -- Lady Gaga.  Words cannot express the power that woman has -- the ability she has to change the heart of an individual from one of hate and discouragement to one of love and a bright hope for the future.  It's phenomenal.  Born this Way is the album for the rejects, the album for the losers, and -- in my case -- the album for the heartbroken.  Sometimes I wonder if this album wasn't actually written with me -- Hannah -- in mind.  The clash of "Heavy Metal Lover" with "Black Jesus + Amen Fashion" brings out the runway model in me.  The jazzy lull of "You and I" -- oh, I can't describe the feelings I get when I hear that song.  The song "Judas" expresses the confusion you feel when falling in love with someone you shouldn't ever love.  There are the powerful messages of acceptance and diversity in "Born this Way" and "Americano."  But above all, this album is the home of the one song that -- to date -- reigns champion as my favorite song of all time:  "Hair."



10. Nightwish: Once.

The high point of my symphonic metal stage. I needed to include this stage because it was an important shift in my love of music from what others thought I should like and what I thought was good music myself. I especially am caught up in "Ghost Love Score." That is just an incredible song that I wish others appreciated as much as I did. This whole album is like a puzzle that I enjoy taking apart and putting back together in different ways. You gotta love that about nightwish. It's pleasantly confusing.



So there you have it. The top ten albums of my life. I hope it's a pleasant mix of country, rock, alternative, classical... Geez, looking at that list makes me feel like a well-rounded person. I feel fantastic!!

First dates are fun, but second dates are better.
Even when you have a fever when you go.

Last night almost felt like it didn't happen. Not to say that it was a super special night or anything, but I sort of felt like I was just walking through it without thinking too hard. Mark and I had our second date. We went to see some Christmas light show down in Spanish Fork and then went to get hot chocolate. It was a most enjoyable date, indeed, but for the last hour or so I could feel my body sort of wearing down. My throat really hurt, my eyes wouldn't stay in focus, and I was just tired. I tried to hide it and I was able to make it to when he dropped me off on my little doorstep.
Then there was a fridge to clean. Cleaning checks were the next day so I spent an hour and a half or so just cleaning out that fridge. Now I KNEW I was sick. I started shaking and feeling super feverish. So immediately after that fridge was even sort of clean, I went to bed.

I woke up at two in the morning chilled to the bone, even with a billion blankets on top of me. Yes, I had a fever, a blown-up fever. At it was snowing outside... sooner or later I will get a call from my boss saying it was time to go shovel.
Four-thirty came around and I was still awake. I got up to use the bathroom and could hardly walk. My joints were stiff, I was trembling like a fish out of water, and I felt like I was breathing through a plastic bag. I was in no condition to shovel. But my boss hadn't called me yet! Maybe they'll just forget... or maybe it won't snow too hard... maybe? maybe??
No such luck. My boss called me about a half an hour later at five and told me they called in for snow. I had sent him a text at midnight that I was sick, but here I had to tell him that I was even worse. I hate not doing what my boss wants me to do. I feel like I'm on the brink of getting him pissed all the time, but he seemed understanding. "If you're sick, you're sick," he said. Maybe next time I see him I'll tell him exactly how sick I was.
A few minutes later, Rachel called me and asked if I needed a ride. I told her I had a fever and couldn't go shovel. I really hope they take me seriously. I really would go if I could. I just so obviously couldn't! I could hardly walk! How could I shovel three inches of snow for several hours???

Gotta say, the past twenty four hours has been somewhat step-and-step. One foot in front of the other. Sick sick sick.

Listening to: Katherine McPhee "Terrified."
Things going on today: I get to see my friend Katie, go to Tucanos, sick sick sick
Blessings: The Provo Tabernacle burned down. That means they had to move the date of that fateful women's chorus concert to April 1st. You know what that means? LADY GAGA!!

Goals for Winter Break:

1. Work every day that I can work.
2. Write 2 songs about Not-So-Elder WaynesWorld
3. Write to all my missionary friends
4. Watch the following movies with my family:

• White Christmas
• Muppet Christmas Carol
• It's a Wonderful Life
• A Charlie Brown Christmas

5. Clean room. (which should be done before break even starts because we have cleaning checks...)

6. Write essays for Music Audition.

7. Get lots of sleep.

8. Start reading a book.

Last Week of School

Finals are yuck.

But first dates are great!

I have both this week.


Listening to: Danity Kane's "Damaged" -- one of the greatest one-hit wonders ever.
Things going on Today: English Final, English Paper due, roommate gift exchange (tis the season)
Blessings: I only have to work four hours instead of five... or eight... or forever.

Friday Dream: A Brave New World

I had a strange dream last night. I dreamt the city of Brooklyn (don't know why it was Brooklyn) was taken over by some guy who had this really monopolistic, brainwashing form of government that allowed for no rebellion of any kind. If you find out too much about how the government was controlling the minds and lives of the populace, you would be kicked out... or severely punished... or killed. Think Ba Sing Sei for all you Avatar fans out there. Everything in the town was green. Everyone wore green clothes, the buildings were green, and the symbol (swatstika?) of the government was on everything. They had a strict entrance-and-exit policy, and everything was background-checked. Everyone was going on living their lives, completely unaware that there were secret societies controlling their every move from behind closed doors. My friend Aaron S. was there; he found out about what was happening, and the next thing I remember, I saw him right outside the gate, in a cage. They took the cage, dragged it to a cliff, and chucked it over the edge with him still inside it. It was scary. Suddenly I needed to get out of there, and fast. So I found some friends and we escaped (how? I don't remember). But before we knew it we were in this northern exposure-type wilderness. We found this bat.. it was blue, sort of reminded me of Toothless from How to Train Your Dragon. He could talk, and he really loved Brooklyn. Hated what this new regime had done to it. So he helped us by flying us away from these government scouts who were tracking us. We made it to this quaint little town on a mountain and there we found Hannah H. She was a spy for the government. We found that out and stole her computer and then trashed her car and threw snow in it. But when we had her computer, we couldn't get the password. We tried everything, but eventually we had to locate a hacker who could open up her files. Then we needed internet access, so we flew all over this tiny town (which somewhat resembled BYU campus...) looking for a WiFi hot spot. When that failed, the bat we were flying found a pink parachute and we sailed away from the mountain town on that.
Then, suddenly, I was in the chamber of the ruler of this new government. Somehow or another, I had gained his trust. He was explaining the benefits of this new government system to me: how everyone would be equal and happy in this Brave New World.... I go up to the next floor, but then his wife comes in. He leans out the window with his wife, but when his wife want him to kiss her, he's too busy looking over his big-shot government notes and she gets angry, throws his head against the side of the brick building, cracks his head open, and then throws him out the window which is like seven or eight stories above ground. I watched this from the floor above.
And that's about when I woke up. What a strange dream. They usually don't have as complex of plot lines as these ones did.

Listening to: Bon Jovi's "Living on a Prayer"
Blessings: Sleeping in, no snow, one more slice of pumpkin pie
Things Going on Today: two women's chorus christmas peformances. Blegh.

I Know I'm Lame

I know I'm lame. I know I haven't blogged in a very long while. But I also know no one follows this blog anyway, so it really doesn't matter.
I suppose I could catch you up on what's happened these past couple of weeks:

1. Lots of volunteering at nursing homes aroung happy valley.
2. Thanksgiving Dinner. I made a pumpkin pie. Two pumpkin pies, actually. There's still a whole half of one in the refrigerator that I'm slowly working my way toward finishing.
3. Elder Waffle... is now just a Waffle. He got sent home on his mission, though he won't tell me why. All I know is that it was both a heartbreaking and a spiritual experience for him. I've been trying to make my own experience with this more spiritual than heartbreaking, but it's hard. He came to visit last Friday and it was quite the interesting visit at that. He's got to swear off girls until he's back in full fellowship with the church, so that means he really can't date me at all until then. And in the meantime I'm wondering if I still want to date him at all. Things are just weird. Weird weird weird. Moving on...
4. Still no word from Sister A. About that night of the Lady Gaga concert. ANSWER ME WOMAN!!!
5. There's this guy in my ward named Mark who basically put an entire letter from Bill Gates to computer hobbyists from the 1970s into a song. Here it is:


Okay, so he's sort of hilarious.

6. SNOW REMOVAL, which is, weird as it sounds, a very satisfying form of torture. I feel like I'm suffering with a purpose, and things always turn out better than I think. On our worst day for snow so far -- Sunday -- it snowed and snowed and snowed and we all were there for like ten hours. BUT... I got to leave early because I had to give a talk in church. Or that day we were up at 2 AM to shovel, we got to go home after only three hours. See? There's a silver lining!
7. I've got ONE MORE PAPER before I'm done with all my big projects/papers for the semester. The only thing I have now to worry about is a test and then it's FINALS. I have four of them: sociology, English, ASL, and Humanites. One of them is take-home, and the rest should be easy. I smell another 4.0... wouldn't that be great!?
8. I had to give a talk about counting blessings last week, so I'm starting a blessings journal. I have to think of ten good things that God has blessed me with each day. It's harder than it looks, but I think it will get easier with time.
9. Ke$ha's got a new CD out... "Cannibal." It's sort of a copycat of "The Fame Monster" but I still like it. My favorite songs are "Crazy Beautiful Life" and "Grow a Pear." :D
10. My parents are coming out here for Christmas! Mucho excited!!!!

My Christmas Wish List: Movies, Music, and Media List

1. Albums, in no particular order:
-- Danger Days: The True Lives of The Fabulous Killjoys -- Clean Version
My Chemical Romance
-- Flamingo
Brandon Flowers
-- Dear Agony
Breaking Benjamin
-- Ocean Eyes
Owl City
-- Number Ones
Michael Jackson

2. Movies, in order of how much I want them:
-- Sherlock Holmes
-- Enchanted
-- Jane Eyre
-- Dead Poet's Society
-- Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen
-- Finding Neverland
-- Newsies

3. Sheet Music I Want:
-- Jon Schmidt's Christmas Songbook

4. GLEE Season 1

From Sister Applonie's mouth...

Sister Applonie (though she has not yet answered my email about the Lady Gaga concert) said something very interesting today.
She says we cannot take another's burden on ourselves. It wastes our own time and energy as well as the person's we are trying to help. Girls tend to do that sometimes. They try really hard to take other people's problems and make them their own. Maybe it's a way to forget your own problems, but it does happen.
But Sister Applonie says that's a bad idea. It's not our job to take the burdens. It's Christ's. Our job sometimes is to just stand as a witness for another's pain. Of course, we should be respectful and comforting and do all we can to be there for that person... but sometimes our job is just to listen. Just exist. Just be there.
Hm. I think I should use this.

Today is Blessed Because...

I don't have to go to work.
Instead, I have a concert for Women's Chorus, but that's not for a few hours.
I forgot what it felt like to sleep in.

Speaking of Women's Chorus, I think I've figured out what I'm going to tell Sister Appolonie about the Gaga concert. Hopefully she will have the mercy in her heart to excuse me from that concert date.

And even if she doesn't, it may all be for the best. I'm wondering if this isn't God's way of telling me I shouldn't go to the Gaga concert. After all, she is DEFINITELY not the kind of artist who invites the spirit into my life. But I've already invested so much time and money into going to this concert... and Katie has too! So it would be a shame to have all that work and excitement built up for nothing.
And I STILL really really really really really really really wanna go to that concert!! It's the freaking MONSTER BALL!! By March, her new CD will be out and I will be one of the first to enjoy her sing her new music live. I've already bought an outfit, even. Awww man! This is such a dillemma!

Things Going on Today: NO WORK, Devotional Performance
Blessings: NO WORK
Listening to: Chantelle's blow Dryer

OH NO

Okay so I gotta get this out there because I am so scared I could scream!

I may not be able to go to the Lady Gaga concert on March 19, 2011 because of a freaking WOMEN'S CHORUS CONCERT!!!

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO??????

Kids

Yesterday at work, Gavin and I were hauling tarps-full of leaves to the truck about an hour before the shift ended. We were returning into a quad with an empty tarp to see two little boys, who had found our rakes lying beside a giant pile of leaves. They had picked the rakes up and were proceeding to rake the pile. The rakes were about twice as big as they were.
My first thought was, "Are they allowed to do that? How are we going to get our rakes back?"
But Gavin said, "That's so cute!" and he went over and started to talk to them. "Are you guys raking our pile? Wanna help us?"
But I was so embarrassed because I really didn't know what to say or do with those two little boys. I had no idea what to say to make them laugh, how to tell them which way to rake, anything! I was absolutely speechless. I'm sure Gavin noticed, because I usually talk quite a bit. But really, witht these kids, I had absolutely no idea what to say and how to do things around them.
But I still found lots of joy watching the others interact with the children. The others came over and we jumped in the pile with them once it was raked onto the tarp. Then we gave them a ride in the tarp over to the truck. The smallest boy -- probably only three years old -- was a little nervous to get into the tarp with his brother. But then he looked up at our encouraging faces and that was when I could see the excitement well up in his eyes and he couldn't contain how excited he was to go for a ride.
Gavin really surprised me. It was so cute, what he was doing with those kids. He'd say funny things and show them which way to rake and he'd actually talk to them. He's better with kids than I am?? And I gotta say, it was pretty hot. No joke, a man who does well with kids is definitely a gem... But then I think about what he said as we approached the two boys at the very beginning.
"It's kind of sad to say that a guy is better with kids than a girl is, but unfortunately, I think that is the case here."
Ugh.
But I really am no good with kids! I wonder when those motherly instincts are gonna set in. It was rather embarrassing, not being able to do anything fun with Gavin and the little boys without feeling awkward. Gavin is so good at it... I'm jealous. Really.

Leaves

When I was a kid, I loved raking leaves into a huge pile and jumping into it. The bigger the pile, the better. My sister and I would spend all fracking day raking our entire yard into one ginormous pile. Even if it meant having to rake all the leaves from the backyard into the front yard, we would do it if it meant having a bigger pile.

One year, we even raked our neighbors' yards, gathered up all their leaves into tarps, and transported them all into our yard to make an even bigger jumping pile. Finally, we had created a massive pile of crunchy leaves that would cushion your fall as you bounded into them. It was amazing.

The giant pile ended up staying there for a while, and the grass underneath was definitely damaged by the time we carted all those leaves away. My parents were not that amused at this.

Now, years later, I no longer find as much joy in raking leaves, especially when I have to do it every day in the cold weather for work. Today, we raked up a pile that was quintupled the size of the biggest pile I made at home.

If I were still a twelve-year-old girl, it would be leaf heaven for me. The pile was huge. It was like a mini-mountain range of millions and millions of leaves. You could create a whole new world in that thing. Tunnels, bridges, homes... The thing was huge.

Yet, while ten years ago I would have been literally jumping for joy into that new leaf world, I could only look at that pile today with dread. We ended up having to painstakingly move all those leaves into the street so it could be picked up by a monstrous vaccuum and transported far away from Ymount Terrace. Now I never want to look at another leaf again.


Happy Autumn, everyone!

"Glints of Gold." Hannah Johnson 2009

Listening to: Alex Goot's Cover of Jack's Mannequin's "Dark Blue"
Blessings: Gloves, Boss's Chilli, and Gavin for giving me a ride to campus.
Things Going on Today: There's an audition today for "Rise Up Shepherd" and I'm trying out I think. Also making a cake for my coworkers in honor of Halloween tonight.

Willow Smith' Whip My Hair

I actually REALLY like this video. The song is "eh" but the video is great. Her voice kind of reminds me of Rihanna... She'll probably end up growing up to be a total skank like the rest of those child performers, but here's hoping!

In the meantime, enjoy the video and the joy of being young.

Something worth documenting...

So today at work something very funny happened at my expense, but even I am still laughing about it because I'm sure it was the funniest thing ever to those who were watching.
Today at work, we went down to 3's and do some raking. We had been raking all the cold morning, and we had returned to the shed for a short break before going back down and finishing our work. Once the break was over, we returned to the truck and prepared to head back down to 3's. Both Gavin and I got into the truck, and that was when Gavin said, "Oh no! I forgot my gloves!"
That was when I realized that I, too, had forgotten my gloves, so both of us leapt down from the truck and went back into the shed to fetch them. Gavin couldn't find his right away, but mine were on the counter close to the door, so I just picked 'em up and exited the shed with Gavin trailing behind me.
By this time, Rachel had already started moving the truck away from the shed. The doors were still open from when Gavin and I left to get our gloves, and I'm sure Rachel knew that we were on our way back out, so she was driving very slowly. I thought this would be a great opportunity to look daring and cool by running up next to that open door and hopping into the moving vehicle. I would simply have to reach out, grab the little arm-handle-thingy, and leap up so that my foot could reach the little step just under the door and voila! Just like Indiana Jones!
So I did just that. I ran up next to the cab, caught hold of the handle-thingy, and leapt up onto the step. Everything worked out just as I planned, and for a brief moment I felt SO COOL. I just jumped into a moving vehicle, just like one of the guys! And it was all done so smoothly and flawlessly...
Then Rachel decided to stop the truck. I suppose it was a smart idea, seeing as Gavin was just now exiting the shed. The problem was she stopped VERY quickly. As the cab pulled to a stop, inertia lurched me forward and suddenly I felt the jarring impact of my body against the car door.
The next thing I remember was laughing like crazy. Gavin was now right behind me, also shamelessly laughing in this tiny high voice like a four-year-old girl. I heard Rachel say, "I'm sorry, Hannah! I must have stopped to quick!" Then Dan said, "That has got to be the funniest thing I've ever seen."

I just thought I'd record that little blurb for my own sake. I know someday I'm going to need a pick-me-up and this would be a great one.

FAIL MAIL...

Because I write to so many missionaries, it becomes quite disappointing when I don't hear from a SINGLE ONE OF THEM in a MONTH. Each day I check the mailbox a hundred times, hoping and praying that this next time there will be something in it for me... But it's always the same. Nothing. The little mail slot belonging to my apartment is either empty, stuffed with ads, or has some letter for one of my other roommates.

Last summer, my sister decided that SNAIL MAIL isn't quite the correct term to use when describing a lack of missionary correspondence. This is FAIL MAIL. A mailbox with no missionary letters is most pathetic. Here are other types of mail one can receive:

EPICFAIL MAIL: There's nothing in the mailbox but junk that you don't want. Not even a meaningful magazine... just ads and wasted paper.

FRAIL MAIL: Letters from a missionary in poor health. I would express concern for this missionary.

ALE MAIL: A letter written while intoxicated. Hopefully you never get one of these from a missionary. Not only is it bad form, it's impossible to read a drunk person's handwriting.

QUAIL MAIL: Mail delivered by homing pidgeon, which would be epic.

YALE MAIL: Letters that are waaaaaaaaaay to smart sounding for you to properly understand them. When you have to look every other word up in the dictionary, this missionary may be too smart for you.

JAIL MAIL: Letters sent from prison. I would be a little concerned if you suddenly get one of these... which leads me to...

BAIL MAIL: A letter asking you to help bail out a person from jail... Also not a very pleasant letter to receive in the mailbox.

NAIL MAIL: A letter with holes in it. Yes, these do exist. I just sent one to a friend of mine in California.

FLAIL MAIL: Mail that makes you have an epileptic seizure because it's so freaking cute.

STALE MAIL: The kind of letter you get when you really have nothing to say in response. I get these from missionaries I don't know all that well. I end up simply rambling about useless, random topics like the weather and asking questions about missionary work that I already know the answers to.

HAIL MAIL: A letter that discusss the weather.

VEIL MAIL: Letters that include marriage proposals. I really can't tell you how to adequately respond to these letters...

SCALE MAIL: Mail with content that discusses weight. These are actually more common than you think. Missionaries like talking about how much weight they've gained or lost on their missions. Which brings me to...

WHALE MAIL: Letters from an obese missionary. Hopefully you don't get too many of these. Missionaries should at least be TRYING to stay healthy while they're out.

FEMALE MAIL: Letters from a sister missionary.

BRAILLE MAIL: Letters written in Braille. (I plan on sending one of these to Mr. California Missionary as well).

WAIL MAIL: Letters that make you cry out in sorrow.

IMPALE MAIL: Letters that make you want to kill yourself out of embarassment for the sender.

BETRAYAL MAIL: A letter that states that a missionary has been discussing the content of your letters to his companions.

GALE MAIL / DALE MAIL: Letters from a missionary named Gale or Dale. I don't know any Dales or Gales in the mission field...

TO-NO-AVAIL MAIL: A letter that completely ignores all that you said in your last letter. Your words and opinions aren't even acknowledged. This is worst when it involves romance.

TELLTALE MAIL: Mail that reveals waaaaay too much about a missionary that you really didn't need to know.

PREVAIL MAIL: Mail you FINALLY get from a missionary you haven't heard from a while. These are the best kinds of letters.

My Mowing Story.

So not only have I epic-failed the blogging-every-day thing, I have hardly blogged AT ALL during the month of October!

...And I still don't have much to blog about even now that I've started a post! This is ridiculous.

I guess, because it's on my mind, I can talk about work...

Work is GREAT FUN, especially when we're not stuck mowing all morning. Mowing -- in and of itself -- is a fairly easy job that is not too dirty or physically taxing and leaves you feeling quite accomplished once you have finished. However, mowing is also a very individualized job that doesn't give you much chance to talk (and.. dare I say.. FLIRT??) with coworkers. The lawn mower is way too noisy for pleasant communication, and everyone sort of breaks off and does their own thing in their own area anyway.

Another downside of mowing is hills. That's where all the real sweat comes in, especially once the sun has come over the mountains. Just last Wednesday I had to mow this BEAST of a hill -- I will affectionately call it the SOB -- that was pretty much at a 180-degree angle with the horizon. It was also in an area where water just DOESN'T GO AWAY, so it's always very muddy and slippery all of the time. Basically, your life is in constant peril whenever you mow this hill.

I have attempted to mow the SOB only once before, and it ended in a disaster.

I decided it would be best to mow from one side of the hill to another, rather than up and down. After a few scary trips across the top of the hill, I got to a particularly muddy section and suddenly the wheels of the mower completely lost traction with the ground and the mower began to slip sideways down the hill, dragging me with it. I ended up sliding down the muddiest half of the SOB on my butt, holding my feet out in front of me, praying for a place to sink my heels into for a foothold before I careened into the wall at the bottom of the hill, breaking my mower as well as my own body.

Fortunately, I was able to successfully find a foothold, stop the mower, and save myself from crashing into the wall. But this presented a new problem: I was now holding on to an active lawn mower, holding mysef for dear life in one place with just a tiny dirt patch for a foothold that could give way at any moment. What do I do now? I was far to weak to pull the mower back up toward me, and even if I could do that, there arrived the new problem of getting the rest of this muddy line done before I slipped again. I could just let go of the mower, but the image of my boss's face upon first gaze of the completely smashed two-thousand-dollar mower in a heap next to the wall at the foot of the hill turned me off to that idea very quickly.

There was only one solution: I would have to slowly make my way down that hill in as controlled and careful of a fashion as possible. This meant I would have to put a lot of faith in my limp arms, my heels, and the slippery muddy footholes that hopefully were present in my path. This would have one of two consequences: I would be successful in my quest and find myself safe -- though a little muddy -- at the bottom of the hill.

OR I could end up losing control and gravity would take me straight into that wall. Maybe in the meantime, my pant leg would get caught in the blade of the mower and... goodbye foot.

But did I have a choice? No. So down I went. I let my foot slip from that foothold that saved my life and I carefully tried to scootch my way down the hill with a hundred-pound-mower leading the way. My legs stretched as far out as they could, searching for new footholds with which I could manipulate my speed down the hill. My poor butt scraped against the grass and mudd, leaving stains on the seat of my pants that never ever would come out.

But by some miracle, I made it to the more shallow part of the hill and I was able to successfully turn the mower away from disaster.

It was then that I decided that this SOB was not going to get mowed -- at least not that day. As I dragged the mower away from the hill, I turned my head back toward the butt-smear I had left behind in the mudd and grass. "You may have won this time," I mumbled to that hill under my breath, "But we will meet again. Someday, SOB, I will mow you, and you will not know what hit you." This was my vow as I trekked back toward the shed. I was going to mow that hill or die trying.

Well, that day was last Wednesday. Early in the morning, I awoke with the knowledge that today I would have to mow the SOB. Suddenly, my resolve to completely own the SOB with my superior mowage was not as strong as it was a few weeks earlier. I dreaded that hill. I knew it had rained that week, which meant even MORE mud and slipperiness than before. Furthermore, I had stayed up until 2 in the morning the night morning doing homework, so I was in no way ready to start my day with mowing a death trap. Why did the day have to be TODAY? I moaned to myself as I trudged to work.

Upon my arrival at the mower shed, I selected the trustiest mower I could get my hands on and prepared it for battle. I tried to take my time doing it, though. Maybe one of the boys would go handle the SOB themselves and leave me to do some other area. Sadly, only one boy -- I'll call him THE BABY from now on -- went in that direction, and this boy was the biggest WIMP I've ever met in my life. No WAY he was gonna even HELP me do that hill. By the time I caught up with him, he had mowed EVERY OTHER AREA surrounding the SOB, so it was the ONLY THING left to do. Just as I arrived, he looked back at me, shrugged, and walked away. I felt very much like the Little Red Hen right then.

So there I was, alone with that monster hill. I stiffened my upper lip and raised my head erect. This SOB was not going to mow itself, and none of my coworkers were going to help me. It was just me and the SOB.

So off I went.

The first lesson I had learned since last time was how to manipulate the motor of the mower so I didn't have to push so hard. After weeks and weeks of mowing experience, I had figured out which mower had the best motor for the job. I trudged along, starting at the bottom of the hill and working my way up, side to side, side to side. Things were only slightly scary until about halfway up the hill; that was where the mud began to appear.

The hardest part about mowing hills is switching directions. Once you got your mower moving in a straight line, there's usually no problem. But in this case, I had to pull my mower up and around on its back legs to get it to go the right direction. And there was indeed a LOT of mud...

Before I could back down, I threw myself into pushing the mower around so it was facing back the way it came. There came a point where I was directly underneath the mower on the hill. I was precariously holding that giant machine on the steepest, muddiest part of the hill with two limp noodles for arms. I could see the back wheels slipping under the muck, leaving ugly scars in the otherwise very green grass just in front of me. I could feel my own feet slipping farther and farther down the hill, into puddles of grime. It was only a matter of time before my strength would give out and the mower would slide backwards and run me over. I took a deep breath, counted to three, and using all the arm strength I could muster, I pushed that mower out of its rut and up the hill.

And my feet slipped.

I could see my life flash before my eyes. The mower was going to careen backwards down the slippery surface, crushing me and tearing me limb from limb as it passed over my fallen body. Then it would roll headlong into the wall, bursting into a thousand pieces. Whatever was left of me would then be chopped up and fed to dogs by my boss as punishment for ruining a perfectly good mower. It was inevitable. The SOB had won.

But thank heavens for human reflexes! I don't know how my legs did it. One minute they were flailing in thin air, unable to find a firm grip on the ground... The next, they were planted sturdily into the soil, and I was able to turn that mower around and back to a saver, more vertical position with the hill. I had not fallen. The mower was safe. My body was safe. I could continue the trek across the SOB and finish the job.

Perhaps it was the confidence I gained from that little triumph, but I managed to complete the entire SOB without any further problems. This time, as I walked away from the hill, I looked back and saw clean stripes of tire tracks with hardly any mud scars. I had defeated the SOB.

I AM NEVER MOWING THAT LAWN AGAIN. Next time, I'm making the Baby do it.

A Very Special Birthday Card...

31 DAYS OF BLOGGING: FAIL!

So my 31-day committment to blogging FAILED MISERABLY.

I blame google.

Two nights ago, I WANTED to blog! I really did! I got on the computer, clicked the blogger icon and... nothing. "Internet Explorer cannot display the webpage." I tried again. Nope. Tried hitting some other links. They all worked... at least until I clicked on YouTube. YouTube wasn't working either! Then I tried looking up something on Google... and THAT failed.

So anything attatched to google was down in my neighborhood for about an hour. It was within that hour when I got preoccupied with about a hundred other things I had to do, so I never got around to posting a blog entry that day.
I guess I COULD HAVE started up again the following morning when google was back in business, but you know how it goes. Once you stop, there's little to motivate you to keep going. What's the point in having a 31-days-of-blogging marathon if you can't even get past 3 days??

So, proof of my laziness right here, but I still blame google.

Day 3: More conferences!

On to the Sunday Sessions!!

HENRY B. EYRING:
More about following prophets! I've got this feeling that Monson's talk is gonna be pretty good. I need to listen to conference to learn, to repent, and to GO AND DO. Eyring talked mostly about faith, about how Christ is the one who really causes true faith to be planted in your heart. What I really liked about Eyring's talk is when he mentioned people in the scriptures who had their faith shaken. He said he did not comletely know how they felt, and he could not completely understand why they had such little faith, but from what he knew, he wanted to teach us. I need to be that understanding and empathetic. I need to take care of my own faith before worrying about anyone elses. And my faith does need work. I pledge to strengthen my faith by finding time every day to think about Christ and his Atonement.

BOYDD K. PACKER
Packer gave an EPIC chastity talk today! My favorite part of his talk was how he said, "It is very liberating when an individual chooses to be obedient." That is SO TRUE. I find a renewed sense of power when I say no to sin, especially sexual sin. I love also that Satan cannot create life like we can, so he's trying to use us to get to that power. He also laid the spiritual SMACKDOWN when it comes to morality and politics. He said morality cannot be changed by battle or ballot. I LOVE IT. WE WILL NOT CHANGE. WE WILL PROTECT AND FOSTER THE FAMILY. I pledge to NEVER EVER step down from that ideal when it comes to morality in politics. I also pledge NOT TO LOOK BACK. To delete the immorality I have committed in the past both in thought and in deed from my mind.

JAY JENSEN:
Gaining a testimony does not involve hearing a voice or seeing a being. It's about feelings. This talk was all about the holy ghost. I also found out that Lehi and Joseph Smith have a ton of stuff in common. I pledge to listen to the promptings of the Holy Ghost, especially the promptings I get as I fervently pray.

Mary M. Cook
I want to start today, now. I want to have kids now so I can raise them in righteousness and be a good example! I am so enthusiastic about it now!! However, I have trouble maintaining this enthusiasm by keeping the faith and keeping a strong testimony. I especially want to teach my children the importance of their baptismal covenant. I'm not sure I realized the committment I made when I was baptized, and I want my kids to understand how they make a promise to God when they enter the waters of baptism. I pledge to start today in preparing to care and raise my children to be virtuous and pure.

Dallin H. Oaks
Oaks talked about two lines of revelation. There should be a balance between personal revelation and priesthood revelation. The church is the only place where we can have both. We can't rely too much on either one of these. And they should go together. God won't tell you one thing through personal revelation and then tell you another thing through the preisthood. Furthermore, in order to recieve personal revelation, we need to be following the priesthood revelation. Priesthood trumps personal. We are not receiving inspiration from God if we have been told that we are excused from Priesthood guidance. Oaks puts the SMACKDOWN ON AGNOSTICS. ORGANIZED RELIGION IS SO IMPORTANT, we NEED it!! We need to be united. We need to work together. We need preisthood leadership. I pledge NEVER to forget this important principle, and to not let the world tell me otherwise.

THOMAS S. MONSON:
"Here we go, here we go, to a birthday paaarty." DO WE REMEMBER TO GIVE THANKS FOR THE BLESSINGS WE RECEIVE? Holland mentioned this too, as did Gordon B. Hinkley. If we give thanks, the miracle follows. How often do we focus on what we lack? Thank God for EVERYTHING. Ingratitude is one of the most serious sins, and gratitude is the parent of all virtues. Let's have an attitude of gratitude! Be optimistic! Let love overpower jealousy and light drive darkness out of you life. Don't be prideful or selfish. Be happy! Be satisfied! I pledge to live with gratitude in my heart, not just in my actions, especially my gratitude for my Savior, Jesus Christ.


L. TOM PERRY:
This is mostly pertaining to priesthood stuff, but I think it applies to me, too. He told me to avoid things that are degrading in the media. To maybe avoid abuse of the media in general.
But I need to respect the priesthood and live worthily to have it in my home. I pledge to treat holders of the priesthood with respect and dignity.

DAVID A. BEDNAR:
How do you receive the holy ghost? It's harder than it looks.. at least for me. Just because I've been given the gift of the holy ghost after baptism doesn't mean I have it all the time. I need to live worthily of it. And come on, it is a GIFT. If someone gives me something, shouldn't I appreciate it. If I have a desire, I'm farther than I think. And I don't have any control over what the Holy ghost does. He comes to me. What I can do is withdraw myself, which I need to stop doing. I need to quit making the gospel a checklist. There is no end to what we need to do. We need to continuously work at things, maintain things, etc.

Larry R. Lawrence:
The parents of youth... I'm not one of them. Does that mean this doesn't apply to me? NO! "Be strong and of a good courage. Be not afraid." Let's remember this, whether or not we are youth. A child is standing before sin just as a child stands before a rushing freight train. It's THAT dangerous. I don't have kids yet, but I need to remember this for when I do. I also need to remember that my spouse has a say, too. I must not be afraid of my own kids. I need to lead them the right thing. Aaaand he mentions sleepovers!! GO PRESIDENT PAYNE!

Per G. Malm:
I like evocative metaphors. I am a tree. Am I hollowed out by Satan, or has Christ given me strength to stand tall and strong? Am I at rest? I have bee looking for peace in my life. True peace can be found in Jesus Christ. I gotta start there. I have been feeling the urge to repent. I need to act on those feelings. Remember, wickedness never was happiness. That is the key to having peace of mind. I pledge to find rest in Jesus Christ, not the things of the world that can eat me from the inside.

Jairo Mazzagardi:
Sin makes God sad. Am I letting sin into my life without even noticing it? Are we letting sin grow right under our noses? Little sins lead to worse sins. He mentioned night time. I have that problem. I go out at eleven and I dance and goof off and I don't have the spirit with me when that happens.


Mervyn B. Arnold:
When I take on Christ's name, I am responsible for it. One day I'm gonna look back and see my life: Will people remember my name with reverence? Rules are there to give you PROTECTION, not to hurt you. We break through these rules and cause our own deaths all the time! The rules will keep me from DYING! I plege to act in accordance with how I wish for my name to be remembered -- I will be reverent and follow Christ. I will finish my course and keep the faith.

M. Russell Ballard:
Satan tries to sneak his way into our lives through deception. He knows my weaknesses... my failures. He won't let me go. He wants me to be miserable forever. Avoid addictions. Avoid drugs. You know drug addicts. You know people who keep going until it's too late. STAY AWAY. Remember... one drink can take you down. And it's not just drug addiction. It's anything that takes away your agency. Gaming and texting are addictions. There's a way out, though. A way to escape. Prayer is the secret! Prayer can break any bad habit.

Thomas S. Monson:
"I have miles to go before I sleep. And promises to keep."
READ THE CONFERENCE TALKS.

Day 2: Conferences!!

I just got done watching the Saturday Morning Session of General Conferences and here are my thoughts:

Jeffrey R. Holland:
Pretty amazing. Usually you expect a really powerful talk from him, but this one was a little more sentimental. He talked about all the great service that happens in the church, how many people do service for you that you never even acknowledge. My parents, I realize, have done so much for me and I have not even begun to return my thanks and gratitude. I resolve to be more loving and appreciative of my parents, as well as others who do service for me.

Sister Dixon:
Kids are so important, and it's our job to take care of him. I think people often forget just how much of an example we set for our children. I like the imagery Sister Dixon used when she described how we need to put our hands over the children's hands on the iron rod so we can travel down the straight and narrow path together. I don't have kids, but I have suddenly been inspired to teach the children of my present and future life through example and support.

Claudio R.M. Costa:
Brother Costa talked about something I learned last year in my Book of Mormon Class: the 14 Fundamentals of following a prophet. I tend to assume that I follow the prophet as much as I need and that there is no room for improvement. This is NOT true. I have only done a minimal amount of work when it comes to service, love, and keeping the commandments. All of these were emphasized by President Monson last conference. I pledge to do more than before when it comes to following the prophet's counsel that he will give this conference.

David M. McConkie:
This talk really hit me because I want to be a teacher someday. This guy really helped me understand that I, as a teacher, am very responsible for how much my students learn. It's all about ATTITUDE. I really liked the quote: "A Teacher's attitude is not taught, it's caught." In regards to the gospel, it is important to love what you teach and to live what you teach. Only then can you truly influence others' lives for good. I pledge to keep this in mind whenever I have a teaching opportunity, both in the church and in my work.

D. Todd Christopherson:
A consecrated life. This was a talk that covered a TON of material in only a few short words. But the main thing I took away from this talk was the importance of work and the power of integrity. I have learned that hard work -- like the work I do now -- brings your life purpose and helps you grow. As I labor in the job I have now and in the career I have in the future, I plege that I will keep this love of work that I feel today in mind, even though it may be tiresome and not as pleasant as I would want it to be. And when I have leisure time, I will try to use it to uplift my life and bring me closer to God. As for integrity, I pledge to not let Satan tell me that integrity is "passe" or "naiive." Following the commandments is never too old.

Dieter F. Uchdorf:
This was just what I needed to hear. I make life sooooo COMPLICATED, but I fail to see the simple truths and the simple things I need to do to be truly happy. Perhaps this is why I've been so down all the time. But I need to learn how to sacrifice some good things for some better things. A kid can understand that, but I can't! I need to not be distracted by the crap that's out there that makes my life really much more complicated than it should be. I need to get off the computer, quit watching the tube, quit doing nothing. I pledge to simplify my life by searching for the things that are really much more important.

SATURDAY AFTERNOON

Elder Quentin L. Cook:
He gave me a bit of a reality check. I need to remember that there are some things, especially in the media, that don't bring me toward Christ. It's hard to completely avoid that stuff, but I have been reminded of Elder Cook that it can be done. I pledge to do better on monitoring the things I watch, read, and listen to, and immersing myself in uplifting media material that will help me feel the spirit.

Brother Duncan:
More about the fourteen fundamentals of following the prophets! It's kinda scary how some of these talks coincide with one another. I wonder if they plan that. Apparently it's something we really need to know. It makes me excited to hear what President Monson will say next. I will repeat the pledge I made before: I pledge to do more than before when it comes to followi.ng the prophet's counsel that he will give this conference.

Brother Gong:
This was such an inspiring talk. It made me really want to have an eternal family. I suddenly had this resurging feeling of connection with my ancestors and the future connection I will have with my children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren. I want to find a spouse who can help me keep that chain of eternity alive. We are all trying to get home to heaven. That's an eternal perspective. I pledge to be worthy to enter into the temple and be sealed to my future spouse and children forever.

Neil L. Andersen:
This one hit home for me. I often find myself wondering, "Why should I believe this Mormon stuff? It all seems a little extreme, doesn't it?" Well Elder Andersen reminded me. Those two words, "offended" and "ashamed." I think those words come up all the time in my life. I think "fear" is my problem. I often fear so much about what other people think, that I forget that I need to be focusing on the tree of life, not the great and spacious building. I pledge to care more about what God thinks of me than others.

Richard G. Scott:
Faith, faith, faith. I'm hearing a lot about it this session. I'm hearing also about integrity and strong character. This talk is all about our attitude, our mindset. It's about the types of decisions we make as a whole, not really individual choices. This makes it harder for me to follow, because I'm a slothful, unwise servant who must be commanded in all things. But I will try. I love the quote, "We become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become." I pledge to activate this quote in my life by considering how my character is affected with each choice I make.

Oh Yes, and a dream...

Forgot it's friday...

So my dream a few nights ago was a weird one. I dreamt that Elder Wall-E was home from his mission, and I went up to campus from my apartment to meet him. I cross 700, cross 800, walk up the rape hill ramp, and I'm passing between the Benson Building and the JSB when I realize there's a bunch of people in that green area, waiting for some speaker to come and give a presentation out on the lawn. For some reason, I concluded that person to be Elder W. So I was really surprised when he tapped my shoulder. I asked why he wasn't preparing to go and talk to all those waiting people. He said they can wait, and then led me back over to the back of the JSB.
The rape hill ramp was now gone. Instead, there was a hundred-foot drop-off behind the Joseph Smith Building, with nothing to help us get around it on that side except for a small bridge thing. It was more like a wrap-around balcony, actually, connected to the JSB and with a railing on the outside so that people wouldn't fall off. I've seen plenty of balconies like that at multi-level apartment complexes.
Except this one had caved in at the middle. Instead of walking on the stone walkway, eventually you had to walk on the barred handrails instead because the walkway went vertical on you. That's just what Elder Waffle and I decided to do. We crossed that bridge, hanging on for dear life as we inched our way along the treacherous path. It was like climbing around on a jungle gym, except if you fell, there wouldn't be a nice bed of sand to catch your fall. I don't even remember how far that forested hill went down. I was scared.
But we did make it across, and suddenly Elder Whistle was just laying on the ground, wearing nothing but a blue bedsheet. I sat down beside him and stroked the back of his leg, right at the crook of his knee. And for some reason, I felt as if someone was petting my own in the exact same place, though I don't remember if someone was actually there or not.

Then I woke up.

31 DAYS OF BLOGGING: Day 1: NaBloPoMo, Sprinklers, and WORK

I don't know if it's the official month for blogging, but Emily and I decided that October is as good a month as any to blog and blog and blog. I don't know what the true standard is for "a satisfactory post" so I've decided that it needs to be more than twenty lines (as I'm posting it... so now this makes four lines..) long.
... And that does not include my blessings/ listening to/ things going on today thingy at the bottom.

Nor
does
it
mean
I
can
write
like
this.

...(Unless there's a meaningful reason.)

So for today. Second day of work. I've decided some of my male coworkers are worth checking for wedding rings -- and none of them have any. I've also decided that everyone there is very nice, including the scary boss. I've decided I am on his good side. I just need to stay there.
Have I told you about work yet? It's the most physically taxing job I've ever had. I work grounds up at Y-Mount Terrace, which is a thirty-minute walk. Fortunately, my boss said he would let me hitch a ride up if I showed up at the grounds office promptly at 8. That is MUCH closer to my house.
Another nice thing my boss has let me do is get off early on Mondays so I can go to my voice lesson at 11:30. He let's me miss a whole HOUR of work. That gives me extra time on Monday after voice to get stuff done! Success!!
I don't know what all the jobs are, but I do know some: mowing, edging, weeding, blowing leaves, raking leaves, sucking leaves up, and eventually shoveling snow at three o'clock in the morning.
Am I nervous? Yes. Can I do it? DOUBLE YES. For some reason this job has boosted my confidence about a hundred notches, even though I don't know how anything works and I'm a total weakling and I now have to get up every morning at 7. I don't quit know why I feel so good. Perhaps it's the satisfaction that comes from good, hard work. Perhaps it's the fact that my life now has fit itself into a routine. Perhaps it's the good people I work with. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. All I know is I feel great. I probably shouldn't question it.

I also have one more story to tell you. I want to tell this story here because I don't think it's worth writing down in my actual hand-written journal, but I want to remember it anyway. Today, after work, I meet up with Emily on campus for lunch. She got a nice tomato bisque and I indulged in a Jamba Juice (hey, I'm making money now! I can afford a bit of indulgence from time to time!). We decide to go outside to eat and talk boys and relax a bit before class. We had been sitting there only for a few short minutes before we noticed that people were hurriedly getting up and moving off the little hill we were on. By the time we figured out why, it was too late. The sprinklers came on.
Turns out the groundspeople were checking all the sprinklers, so they were just turning them on for about a minute, then turning them off, moving to the next sprinkler spot. But Emily and I were there at just the wrong moment, and suddenly we were getting attacked by sprinkler-spray. It was awful. Our books, our clothes, our hair, Emily's bio poster that was due today... All were drenched. And poor Emily had worked so hard on that project the night before. I haven't seen her since then, but I hope her teacher was forgiving at the fact that her poster was completely smeared. She was wearing a white T-shirt that day, too, and some of the marker from the poster stained it.
I AM SO MAD AT THOSE GROUNDSPEOPLE. We, as students, had every right to be on that hill. Yes, I know, they were just doing their job, but part of that job is to be considerate to those who use your services! (I'm a groundsperson myself, I should know!) You have to make sure no one is still on the hill when you turn the sprinklers on. Our backs were to the crewmembers; we couldn't see them! Someone could have at least come up, tapped us on the shoulder, and said, "You gotta move!" No one did that. Instead, Emily and I were embarrassed out of our brains as we scrambled to get off the hill while getting soaked from all sides by relentless sprinklers right in front of the Scottish club! I could hear them gfawing at us. And that's not even considering poor Emily's project or clothes or food.
Fortunately, we were together when it happened. Looking back on it, it was a rather funny experience that I shared with a friend. I hope I don't forget that.


Listening to: Nothing at the moment, but I was listening to "Shame" by Matchbox 20 on my way home a few minutes ago.
Things going on today: Work! Dinner with Grandma D, Aubrey, and Riley. Also I'm spending all night writing my sociology research paper
Blessings: Work (yes, work), the miracle that is the extended deadline of my sociology paper, and Grandmothers who buy you food.

JOB????

My head is going to eplode.

I have to bike sixteen blocks to get to work every morning at 8. This is going to kill me.
It had better be a fun job once I get there.

In other news:
Sociology paper: 3/10 sources, 6/7 pages, six days to go. I can do it, I think. I just gotta spend all night tonight and friday finding those other sources.

Sociology Service Hours: None.

Humanities Test: Next Saturday.

ASL Video: This weekend it will happen.

Things going on today: I go check out where I'm going to work and get the lowdown on what I'm actually doing in this job. Institute? Probably not.
Blessings: I have THIS morning...
Listening to: Justin Bieber, "Baby" (Because it is a good song.)

The Lament of the Philosopher King

I'm Blind if I'm in
Blind if I'm out
I know it all but I still don't know what life is about
I've been told all these years how people should behave
It's like I spent my life living in the back of a cave.
Like a well, it was hell
But I didn't know the difference.
Felt the light from behind
But I didn't show interest.

But then one day
the chains were released
and I found my head could turn
to the sun in the east.
So I turned my sight toward the newfound light
But I had to turn away because the sun was too bright.
But it was right.
Cuz for once I had a glimpse of the truth
And I came to recognize it all, despite of my youth
So unaware I was about the world the night before last
Who knew that what I saw was just a shadow moving past
At last
I relax, cuz my life has a meaning
Revealing, I'm being, and I like what I'm seeing.

I can't tell you all the things that I didn't know
But my eyes became accustomed to the blinding glow
And I learned to forsake all the days I spent lazing
All the rhymes and the scenes, all the dreams I spent chasing.
It was amazing!
But hissing in the back of my mind
Something was missing; don't wanna leave the others behind
So I climbed back down
to the heart of the dark and I started reminiscin
hoping that they'd listen.

But then,
I couldn't quite believe my eyes!
To my surprise, they kept on believing the lies
The disguise, their demise, like flies to honey
Unaware, only caring 'bout honor and money
I tried to tell them; but they just wouldn't believe
I forgot how well the shadows in that cave could deceive
Little did they know, little could they see
And they didn't quite appreciate what happened to me
And for once I had to wonder was I outa my mind?
Had the fire of the truth burned me blind?
Now rewind to the time when I was a pris'ner like them
Am I better off now than I was back then?
Or am I still a pris'ner, locked inside a different cell
I'm alive, but living now is like a living hell
But I'm telling you
I'm not about to back down now
I'm gonna make the most of what I got so I'm tellin' the crowd
I gotta take responsibility and do my duty
and make my voice heard and let the truth run through me
Like blood, no crud, it's the legit G-C
It's a Gift and a Curse but it's part of me.
So listen close, pay attention to the words I sing.
Cuz This is the life of the Philosopher King.

Book on Tape Worm

THAT'S MY ROOMMATE!!

A Gleeful Evening

Season premiere of G eLEE.
What did I think??

Wow. Things got bad in a hurry, didn't they? But that's good! We already have a show in full swing that people will come back to week after week.
Furthermore, the song selection this time around was SO GOOD. I wasn't humungously impressed with the "Telephone" number, but it wasn't bad. My favorite was their version of "Empire State of Mind." I also really liked that new blonde guy's voice. I wonder what happens to him!!
The new football coach, Beiste, was also a great addition. And I'm glad Sue and Schuster aren't friends anymore. What would this show be without ridiculous comments about Schu's hair?

Just one thing missing: WHERE'S EMMA??
I'm sick and tired of the way they just forget about her and her relationship with Will. Where did she go?? Will they ever be together??

I'm excited for next week.

Two Success Stories

Success Story: I finally learned how to effectively do makeup today.
Bigger Success Story: ASL class was cancelled so I didn't have to miss it for my Women's Chorus Concert.


Life is busy, yet good.


Listening to: Some song by Book on Tape Worm
Things Happening today: concert, class, no class...
Blessings: missionary letters... and no class.

Mr. Gamauf

Back in ninth grade I liked this guy named Jake. (Yeah, I've liked a lot of Jakes in my life, but deal with it.) He was a real idiot, even in ninth grade, but I liked him anyway because he had this amazing red hair and he would tease me in science in a way that was more friend than foe. But that was really all that was good about him. He was only fourteen years old but he was already swearing and smoking and back-talking teachers, but I sort of liked the bad boy image.
Well years came and went and once high school started, I didn't see much of him. Apparently he got really bad grades so he was transferred to a different school. But he would ride my bus, tease the shorter kids, jeer at the busdriver, wreak havoc in the back seat, make out with his girlfriends, I don't know what else.
Now... I don't know what he's doing. But I do know that he's a total crackhead, or he makes himself look like one. I just checked his facebook page and all I saw was a bunch of cuss words and some crap about how wasted or blown he was. Not attractive.
My two conclusions:
1. Isn't it funny how people turn up in the end?
2. What did I see in him??

DADT

Okay I am going to share with you something about which I am very very insecure.

It regards "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," so if you wanna skip this political, deep stuff and move on to some less controversial material, feel free. I'm not sure if I even want anyone to read this yet, anyway. This is an opinion in embryo here. It's likely to change, morph, perfect itself until it is full-grown and stable. But I often am better able to formulate opinions if I write them down. So here goes.

I'll present my ideas in a series of facts that may or may not have any structure or rhyme or reason to them.

FACT: I believe homosexuality to be a sin against God, one of the worst a person can commit. I believe it to be a perversion of one of the most sacred and wonderful experiences God has given to his children.
FACT: There is nothing any mortal can do or say that will make me change this belief. I believe God has told me this through his spirit and power of revelation.
FACT: I understand that not everyone believes the same things I do. Of course, I'd like them to believe the same things I do but I know that won't happen for everybody.
FACT: I also believe the Constitution of the United States of America is not only a morally sound document, but one that is appointed by God. I believe men were inspired by God to write it. I believe God wants us to defend it.
FACT: I believe homosexuality CAN be a detriment to our United States Armed Forces, but I also believe there are plenty of straight people in the military who do AWFUL, AWFUL things.
FACT: I believe God is the one who decides who should be punished and who should not.
FACT: Just because I don't agree with homosexuality DOES NOT MEAN I AM A "HOMOPHOBE" or that I "HATE" the gays. I RESENT ANYONE WHO EVER SAYS THAT ABOUT ME.

Now... here are some QUESTIONS:
QUESTIONS:
If I believe the Constitution to be a sound and God-given document, how is it that there can be something in that document that is so AGAINST what God would have us do?
If I believe in equality for all, shouldn't that include people who don't believe the same things I do?
Does being a gay soldier really effect the morale of those in his/her unit?
Shouldn't sexual preference be a private thing anyway?
Does having gay soldiers in my unit mean I need to share a room with them, change in front of them, be provoked or ridiculed for my own beliefs by them? If I were to complain about these things, would that make me "HATEFUL" and "HOMOPHOBIC?"
How would God have me vote on this issue, if I were given the chance? Would he let me vote for equality and agency or would he want me to vote for inequality based off of morals?
Doesn't the government have a thing with separation of church and state? Should I even consider the religious reasonings behind things when I vote?
Aren't I supposed to put God first before everything... even if it is hard?


I am very confused. But I'd like you to take another look at the FACTS I presented. I may not know what political policies should be enacted in regards to gay rights, but I do know where I stand on whether or not I think they are immoral. And I think that's what truly matters to God.
I also think God knows what's in my heart, and he knows that my heart is NOT filled with hate, no matter how loud Lady Gaga screams that it is.

What I Need to be Writing About

I need to write poems about two things:

The Aneid
and The Apology by Plato.

But I have no idea where to start.

Never Been Kissed

What a cheesy movie. But it was a good cheesey movie.
Drew Barrymore is a funny actress. She's not that cute, but she plays such cute characters with tons of quirks. This movie, no different.

The worst/best part about this movie (worst or best depending on how you look at it) was the fact that it stirred up all these old teacher crushes I had back in high school. There was Mr. C, the calculus teacher who was the cutest nerd you'd ever meet with two daughters. I used to stay after class and ask him questions about derivatives even though I already knew all the answers. Then there was Mr. F, who was not only married, but his wife also was a teacher at the school. I remember leaving my books there on purpose just so I could go back in his room. Then there's Dr. H, one of my professors here, who is Australian and hilarious and I find opportunities to send him emails as often as I can.
... And then of course, there's David the Deaf TA, who's not quite a teacher per se but is still amazing.

But anyway, back to the movie. What I don't like about high school chick flick movies is how extreme all the stereotypes get. I know high school can be rough, but people just AREN'T LIKE THAT. Most of the popular kids are actually really smart, and the nerds never identify themselves as nerds that way. I guess in Junior High you get these cliques breaking off, but in High School? People stop caring. Kids grow more mature. People like you for your personality, not what you wear or what you like to do.
But I guess the movie was still plenty entertaining.

And I stayed up til three in the morning..

I went to an amazing World of Dance concert last night. My old roommate, Ellen, was in the show. I told her I was coming and she said she'd be there for me outside to see me after the show. But I never found her. I wonder if she forgot.

I take things like that personally. I know I probably shouldn't, but I do.

That Which We Call a Rose...

I've been thinking about my name.
It happened in Women's Chorus a couple days ago. I was called to stand up and introduce myself as the Devotional Co-Chair for Fall Semester.
"What is your name?"
"I'm Hannah."

Hannah. The name with which I identify with. The title people use when referring to that one girl with the brown hair, wacky clothes and personality to match. The word my parents thought of when they held me in their arms for the first (or second? or third?) time. A word that is solely mine, yet isn't solely mine. There are other Hannahs in the world. Furthermore, there are other Hannah Johnsons in the world. And I'm sure there have been plenty of Hannah Christina Johnsons over the years as well. So I am unique, yet not unique.
Why do I identify so much with Hannah? Why do I not see myself as a Brittany or a Deborah or a Fred? Really, what is in a name? Do I really see myself as "Hannah?" I really don't think so. I see myself more as simply "Me." "I." "Myself." However, when thinking of others, I always go strait to their superficial titles that society has given them. "Anna." "George." "Gaga." Even "Mother" or "Grandma"..

My conclusion? There is nothing in a name. Society puts them there to make communication easier, but I don't think we genuinely believe that our names are a part of who we are. At least not right away. Things may be different if I get visited by God, and he calls me by my name. Perhaps then I'll see it as a divine title and I suddenly will stop thinking "me" and start thinking "Hannah, a daughter of God."
This "me" mindset may then be replaced by a "you" mindset. Perhaps if we stopped thinking of ourselves as individuals and identify ourselves instead as one of many other named individuals in this world, we may grow closer to each other and lose some of that pride and selfishness that we so easily fall into.

This whole conversation with myself is getting rather deep. I should stop before my brain starts to hurt.

Normally Ever After

I think a good marriage can happen if one finds happiness in the routine and mundane. Think about it: A marriage is supposed to last forever. Or at least until one of the people dies. But not ever minute can be honeymoons in Tahiti or even Disneyland. You gotta make your own fireworks. You gotta be spontaneous. That may mean simply taking a shower together, or saying I love you aross the dinner table... or maybe just a dance in your own bedroom before lights-out. Keeping a marriage is not hard. It just requires a little effort, which I don't think we mortals are comfortable doing. We like to be lazy. We like things to just work out without us even trying. But of course if we all had that attitude, nothing would get done and nothing would have worth.

His Hair of gold, his eyes like Jade, but Most of All his HEARING AID.

Okay, so I'm in love with my deaf TA.
He doesn't hear a single thing I say
But David takes my breath away
David, my deaf TA....

We just had a nice long twenty-minute conversation about eating ducks, snails, and frog's legs, about Germany and how I love to kill people, and how he thought he was ugly and he broke mirrors. Unfortunately, I didn't know what ugly meant at the time so I couldn't tell him otherwise. I just smiled and pretended to understand him. Dangit. Should have asked because then I could have given him a compliment. I may not know how to say "ugly" but I DO know how to say "cute." UGH. I am SO FULL OF REGRET!

Seriously, I love him.
And seriously, if he hasn't picked up on that yet, he's blind. I was SOOOO red last night and said he could tell I was nervous.
I really like a guy who I only see once a month who can't even speak my language!!! OF COURSE I'M NERVOUS.

But overall, it went very well and I did learn a bit. Immediately after my conference with him, I went to the library and got an extra book full of sign language phrases. Next time I go in to sign with him, I'll be a pro.

Things going on today: I ask about work, I go to a Women's Chorus meeting.
Listening to: Nothing at the moment, but "David the Deaf TA" is now stuck in my head, which is quite pleasant.
Blessings: Cute TAs, Sign Language Class, a decent morning to sleep in.

Dress Up?

So my roommate Emily raided my closet yesterday and insisted we play dress up with my clothes. It was very fun, of course, but I couldn't help thinking how odd it was for the clothes that I wear on a normal every-day basis in public to be considered "dress-up." I suppose I have grown desensitized to the idea that some fashions just aren't worn in the "normal world." I blame Gaga.