Saturday, October 23, 2010


Because I write to so many missionaries, it becomes quite disappointing when I don't hear from a SINGLE ONE OF THEM in a MONTH. Each day I check the mailbox a hundred times, hoping and praying that this next time there will be something in it for me... But it's always the same. Nothing. The little mail slot belonging to my apartment is either empty, stuffed with ads, or has some letter for one of my other roommates.

Last summer, my sister decided that SNAIL MAIL isn't quite the correct term to use when describing a lack of missionary correspondence. This is FAIL MAIL. A mailbox with no missionary letters is most pathetic. Here are other types of mail one can receive:

EPICFAIL MAIL: There's nothing in the mailbox but junk that you don't want. Not even a meaningful magazine... just ads and wasted paper.

FRAIL MAIL: Letters from a missionary in poor health. I would express concern for this missionary.

ALE MAIL: A letter written while intoxicated. Hopefully you never get one of these from a missionary. Not only is it bad form, it's impossible to read a drunk person's handwriting.

QUAIL MAIL: Mail delivered by homing pidgeon, which would be epic.

YALE MAIL: Letters that are waaaaaaaaaay to smart sounding for you to properly understand them. When you have to look every other word up in the dictionary, this missionary may be too smart for you.

JAIL MAIL: Letters sent from prison. I would be a little concerned if you suddenly get one of these... which leads me to...

BAIL MAIL: A letter asking you to help bail out a person from jail... Also not a very pleasant letter to receive in the mailbox.

NAIL MAIL: A letter with holes in it. Yes, these do exist. I just sent one to a friend of mine in California.

FLAIL MAIL: Mail that makes you have an epileptic seizure because it's so freaking cute.

STALE MAIL: The kind of letter you get when you really have nothing to say in response. I get these from missionaries I don't know all that well. I end up simply rambling about useless, random topics like the weather and asking questions about missionary work that I already know the answers to.

HAIL MAIL: A letter that discusss the weather.

VEIL MAIL: Letters that include marriage proposals. I really can't tell you how to adequately respond to these letters...

SCALE MAIL: Mail with content that discusses weight. These are actually more common than you think. Missionaries like talking about how much weight they've gained or lost on their missions. Which brings me to...

WHALE MAIL: Letters from an obese missionary. Hopefully you don't get too many of these. Missionaries should at least be TRYING to stay healthy while they're out.

FEMALE MAIL: Letters from a sister missionary.

BRAILLE MAIL: Letters written in Braille. (I plan on sending one of these to Mr. California Missionary as well).

WAIL MAIL: Letters that make you cry out in sorrow.

IMPALE MAIL: Letters that make you want to kill yourself out of embarassment for the sender.

BETRAYAL MAIL: A letter that states that a missionary has been discussing the content of your letters to his companions.

GALE MAIL / DALE MAIL: Letters from a missionary named Gale or Dale. I don't know any Dales or Gales in the mission field...

TO-NO-AVAIL MAIL: A letter that completely ignores all that you said in your last letter. Your words and opinions aren't even acknowledged. This is worst when it involves romance.

TELLTALE MAIL: Mail that reveals waaaaay too much about a missionary that you really didn't need to know.

PREVAIL MAIL: Mail you FINALLY get from a missionary you haven't heard from a while. These are the best kinds of letters.

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