Saturday, May 29, 2010


Work is annoying. I like some of it but I absolutely HATE other parts of it and I really think the HATE is overpowering the like.
First off, I STILL don't feel comfortable asking questions or getting help even when I really need it because the CSMs are always too busy for you and you always feel like you're intruding. Today I got a call from Cub about an hour before I thought my shift started. Turned out they thought I needed to be there a half an hour earlier. That WAS NOT MY FAULT. I was told to come at 4:30. Not 3. So even though I had NOTHING TO WORRY about, I still felt like they were mad at me. Like I was irresponsible or something. I am NOT irresponsible. Not in the least. Yesterday the CSMs were so nice and they answered my questions and helped me out and went above and beyond and told me I was okay and I needed to take deep breaths. TODAY the CSMs hardly even helped me. Instead they lectured me in this matter-of-fact tone that made me feel so dumb in front of the customers.
Speaking of customers: I love them. They make the work fun. If it weren't for them, I'd be in a living hell at work. I feel like I'm putting on a show for every new shopper that comes by and that makes me feel good. They all seem to like me.
There's this guy: Tony is his name. I've seen him working at Cub for a loooooong time and today he was working at the register next to mine. He would watch me do my work all the time and laugh at me. When I give him a quizzical look about it, he says "You really like this job, doncha?" and I say sort of, why?
"Well you're just so... soo... and then he sort of waves his arms and jumps up and down. Do I really look that hyper when I work? Tony annoys me because he's such a know-it-all and he thinks he knows me SOOO well because he's seen me around at school so much. But at the same time I'm thankful he's there because he at least knows what he's doing and I feel comfortable enough around him to ask him what to do when I don't know a thing. He LOOOVES answering questions. I loves knowing answers. He loves showing people he knows answers.
Part of me wonders if he's flirting with me... but I ask that about pretty much every interaction I have with a male. Part of me again wonders if I'm flirting with him. Probably. Does it mean anything? No.

Let's see... anything more to say about how ridiculous work is?
Pech! Glad I have one (1) day off before my 4-day-long streak.

My goal for my next work period: Figure out how to call for shopback for perishable items. Also, don't forget to give receipts. I always forgot this time around.

Things that went on today: Work work work. Lot's of it. Til 11:30.
Listening to : 3 AM acoustic version by Matchbox Twenty sung by the music angel Rob Thomas.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Friday Dream: Surreal and Spooky

I had a dream a few nights ago that was quite shocking for me. It was deadpan. No melodrama, no color, no nothing. Very dry and blunt.
All I remember is chasing after someone who was going to commit suicide. I don't remember who the person was, but I remember the love and worry and pain I felt over that person. He(or she) had gone insane, was looking for a gun. I wanted to stop him(her).
So I'm running. Past the duck pond and then into this huge desert. Like in a western film. There I stand, as the person I love goes to a shed, finds a gun, and points it at me. Suddenly my mom is behind me and he shoots her hard in the chest. She's not dead, but she's on the ground, screaming. "JUST DO IT!" she said, wanting to escape the pain in the only way she could think of. So he(she) did. Shot her in the back, and she was dead.
Then he(she) shot himself, and I watched.
It was a very scary dream. No background noise, just gun shots and screaming. No filter at all. I woke up very afraid.

But I knew it was all just a dream so I am fine now.

Listening to: Lady Gaga interviews
Things going on today: Ugh. Work.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Glee: Theatricality

So I've already said my whole bit about the "moral concept" of this episode on my other, more personal blog so this one's gonna be all about the GAGA.

First of all, I'd just like to say that it would be SO COOL if they could have an entire episode devoted to Lady Gaga like they did with Madonna, but of course they couldn't do that because Madonna and Lady Gaga are so much alike, and Gaga really hasn't hit enough meaningful numbers to make for a full episode about her. Maybe in a few decades, once we know whether or not she's gonna last. Then we'll talk about it. Moving on....

So the version of "Bad Romance" was MUCH more fun to listen to when it was accompanied with fun costumes and dancing. But I thought the whole song was HILARIOUS, rather than captivating or impressive. The dances, the poses, it was all so GAGA but for some reason the kids looked more ridiculous doing it. It was an intentional parody to Gaga, making the whole thing legitimate! But the song itself WASvery well arranged and put together. It kept true to the original, even though it was sung by a chorus of supposed high school kids. Of course, the original is definitely better.

Pokerface? That's another story...
First off, WHY POKERFACE? What kind of a mother-daughter bonding song is Pokerface?? It's about thinking about women while sleeping with a man? BLUFFIN WITH MY MUFFIN???? I would NEVER sing that song with my mom, no matter HOW good the arrangement is or HOW good of singers we are. Some things are just not done!
So, that's problem number one. Poor venue for the song. Poor song choice for the venue. It's one or the other, sweethearts...
Second off, while Idina Menzel and whoever-the-heck-the-girl-who-plays-Rachel-is are GREAT singers (fantastic!), the song just isn't as effective unless you got the pretentious Lady Gaga at a piano in a bubble outfit. I would rather have seen the full album version sung by all the kids than an intimate acoustic version that lacked attitude and pizzazz. It just didn't make any sense. No sense whatsoever. As a matter of fact, even when Lady Gaga sings it acoustic, the song still doesn't make sense. But at least you got Gaga there to distract you from the utter ridiculousness of the song. Sorry, Glee, I love your enthusiasm and your willingness to put this out there, but it just didn't work. Gaga is just not replaceable. You can make fun of her, but you can't replace her.

My Beef about the Recent Glee Episode

Okay so this MIGHT be breaking a few rules I've set out for myself concerning this blog and what I share on it. I'm not supposed to review media on this site. It's supposed to be about my life and what goes on in it, not other peoples lives (real or fictional).
BUT I have a great deal to say about a certain scene in last Tuesday's GLEE episode. I'll transcribe it for you first.

Kurt's father, Burt, and Finn's mother have been dating for some time and have finally decided to move in together, bringing their sons along with them. Kurt is gay, and has had a secret crush on Finn for months. Much to Finn's dislike, the rest of the "family" has decided to put the two boys together in the same room. Kurt has been working on designing a reasonable living space that could cater to both their tastes.

(Kurt and Finn walk down a flight of stairs into their new room.)
Kurt: (wearing a tux) I had to skip school to finish it but I think you're really going to like it.
(Kurt flips a light switch to reveal a room filled with gaudy furniture, lavish curtains, and mood candle lighting. Everything is red and gold. As Finn looks at the scene before him, his face falls. Kurt gives a sigh of pride)
Kurt: Consider it a peace offering after all the yelling we've been doing. I used Marlene Dietrich and Gary Cooper and Morocco as my inspiration. It's a perfect blend of the masculine and the feminine and the muted and the theatrical.
(As Kurt explains, Finn wanders around the room, dumbstruck. He finally finds words)
Finn: Are you freaking insane? I can't live here, I'm a dude. What the hell is that s'posed to be?
Kurt: It's a privacy partition... It's the only one I could find on such short notice. Why are you getting angry about everything? I worked hard on this.
Finn: That's not a privacy partition! Why is it so hard for you to understand? I don't wanna get dressed in front of you. You know that I put my underwear on in the shower before I come out when you're around? I just... I don't wanna have to worry about that kind of stuff in my own room, man...
Kurt: And what "stuff" are you referring to?--
Finn: (interrupting) You know. You know what I'm talking about. Don't play dumb. Why can't you just accept that I'm not like you?
Kurt: I have accepted that --
Finn: No, you haven't. You think I don't see the way you stare at me? How flirty you get? You think I don't know why you got so excited that we were gonna be moving in together?
Kurt: It's just a room, Finn! We can re-decorate it if you want to!
Finn: (losing his temper) Okay. Good. Well then, the first thing that needs to go is that FAGGY lamp! And then we need to get rid of this FAGGY couch blanket --
(Kurt's Father enters)
Kurt's Father: HEY! What did you just call him?
Finn: Oh, n-no I didn't call him anything I was just.. talking to the blanket --
Kurt's Father: But when used that word, you're talking about him.
Kurt: Relax, Dad, I didn't take it that way!
Kurt's Father: Yeah, that's because you're sixteen and you still assume the best in people. You live a few years, and you start seeing the hate in people's hearts. Even the best people. You use the n-word?
Finn: (quickly) Of course not!
Kurt's Father: Yeah, how about "retard"? You call that nice girl on the Cheerios with Kurt, you call her a retard?
Finn: I can't -- n-no, she's my friend, she's got... down syndrome! I'd never call her that, that's cruel --
Burt: But you think it's okay to come into my house, and say "faggy"?
Finn: B-but that's not what I meant! --
(Kurt begins to cry)
Burt: I KNOW what you meant! What, you think I didn't use that word when I was your age? You know, some... some kid gets clocked in practice, we tell him to "stop being such a fagg. Shake it off!" We meant it exactly the way you meant it. That being gay is wrong, that it's some kind of punishable offense. I really thought you were different, Finn. You know, I thought that being in Glee Club, and being raised by your mom... tha--that you were some "new generation" of dude who saw things differently, who just kinda came into the world knowing what has taken me years of struggling to figure out. I guess I was wrong. I'm sorry, Finn, but you can't... you can't stay here.
Kurt: Dad...
Burt: I love your mom, and maybe this is gonna cost me her. But my family comes first. I can't have that kind of poison around. (to Kurt) This is our home, Kurt. (to Finn) He is my son. Out in the world, you do what you want. Not under my roof.
(Finn exits, ashamed. Kurt and his father look at each other with tears in their eyes.)
Burt: The place looks great. (He then reaches out, puts his hand on Kurt's shoulder as he walks past him. Kurt touches his father's hand before Burt lets go and walks up the stairs after Finn.

(Later, in Glee Club, Kurt and Tina are in their GAGA outfits.)
Kurt: (to Tina) You look like you should be in orbit.
Tina: (repositioning the bubbles on her dress) My balls keep falling off.
Kurt: Yeah, I've been there. (looks menacingly over at Finn)
Finn: (whispering) I want to talk about this!
Kurt: (also whispering) There's not much to say. I feel sorry for you. I thought you were different.
Finn: I am different.

(The next day, Kurt is about to get beat up by some jock bullies...)
Kurt: (thrown against a wall, melodramatically) Fine. You wanna hit me? You wanna beat me up? Go ahead! But I swear to you, I will never change. I'm proud to be different. It's the best thing about me. So go ahead, hit me!
Bully 1: I believe I will. (to second bullky) Sir, would you like to go first?
(a voice comes from behind. It's Finn, dressed in a Lady Gaga-esque full gown.)
Finn: You're not hitting anyone.
Kurt: Oh my God...
Bully 1: Is he wearing a red rubber dress, or am I trippin?
Finn: I wanna thank you, Kurt. I realize I still have lot to learn, but the reason I'm here right now.. in a shower curtain.. is because of you. And I'm not gonna let anyone lay a hand on you.
Bully 2: Oh, really, dude? Cuz I'm pretty sure we can take both of you.
(the entire Glee Club shows up behing Finn, wearing their Gaga and Kiss outfits)
Puck: Yeah. But can you take ALL of us?
Bully 1: Okay.... okay, yeah, I get it. I took biology. You know what, Karowski? We done disturb the freak hive. The worker freaks is trying to protect the queen freak.
Bully 2: Next time, we'll bring some friends, too. (the bullies exit)
Rachel: I'm tired of everyone calling us freaks.
Mercedes: Well, look at us, we are freaks!
Finn: But we're all freaks together, and we shouldn't have to hide it.


There is something VERY wrong here.
COME ON! What kind of parents put their children together if one of them -- or even both! -- is attracted to the other? If Kurt were a girl, I'm sure they would NEVER be okay with having them live together. Even if Kurt DIDN'T have a "crush" on Finn, I'm sure Finn would definitely feel uncomfortable sharing a private space with someone who even views him and his body that way at all! I can't imagine how I would feel sharing a room with a lesbian. Being friends is one thing, but sharing a room crosses some comfort boundaries.
So where was the good parental judgement, here? What about Finn's mom? Wouldn't she be at all concerned for Finn's feelings on the issue? I am surprised they even allowed this living setup at all. Finn even tried to explain his feelings earlier in the episode, but both parents just threw it off!

Problem number two: Kurt has been inappropriately pushing Finn to change his lifestyle and ideals to fit his own. Kurt is a diva. He's misunderstood, yes, but not innocent. He has only really been thinking about his needs and desires (which is often how lust works). If Kurt truly cared about Finn, he would let Finn be himself, regardless of the losses Kurt would then suffer.
Furthermore, trying to manipulate their parents is the wrong way for Kurt to approach this issue. Obviously Finn and his mom have had a hard time, losing the man of their house. And then there's Kurt's own father! How much pain has he been through? It's not a game, Kurt! You're not dealing with just YOU anymore. Now you're involving others... your own family, even! Playing with these strong feelings is not only wrong, it can come back to bite you. Finn's anger and confusion at the situation Kurt intentionally threw on him would have to be difficult... so it's no surprise he lost his temper and said some things he shouldn't. Once again... is anyone thinking of poor Finn's feelings?? Kurt has also hurt his father. Burt loved Finn's mom. While it was Kurt's selfishness that brought them together, it was also Kurt's selfishness that may now tear them apart. I wonder if Kurt foresaw this at all. I believe he began to realize it when his father came downstairs.
So Kurt, back off. Quit tampering with others' lives. Quit focusing on yourself. Sometimes people who are different begin to feel this sense of entitlement which then leads them to hurt others. Kurt is a victim of this.

The main problem I see in this story is the lack of judgement shown by Kurt's Father. Granted, this is a very close topic for him. He has had threatening phone calls about his son's sexuality for some time, now, and he has promised to protect his son in any way he can.
BUT he still does not know the full issue. He is unaware of Kurt's feelings for Finn. Finn's uncomfort, the context of his anger, it's all so very important to understanding such an episode! Burt hardly let Finn talk! Instead of trying to understand, he just assumed he already understood and then proceeded to make Finn feel guilty. Poor, poor Finn. He has a legitimate problem, a legitimate concern, tries to be polite, tries to make it work. When he finds out it doesn't, he's forced to believe it is all his fault. I was VERY worried that Finn would decide to "come out" at the end of the episode -- all because he felt guilty. Now, I don't think that was what happened (thank goodness), but he had definitely made a change in his attitude. The change could be seen as a positive one, but it was made out of nothing but guilt. How many of us have been manipulated that way? I know I have -- even on this exact issue! People I talk to about gay rights always try to make me look like a "homophobe" who is intolerant and hateful. That is NOT TRUE. It is possible to love everyone, while still accepting that a person has made wrong decisions. There are some who ARE filled with hate: who say things like "fagg" without thinking, who DO think being gay is a punishable offense, but NOT EVERYONE. Most -- like me -- just see it as a difference in morals and are willing to move on. It's like the chicken and the egg. Some believe it's one way, others believe it's another. No one can prove the other is right, so why worry about it?
And this doesn't have to be a "gay" issue, either. Kurt's dad is a prime example of how people all the time assume that people are prejudiced when really the issue is somewhere completely different (You know what I mean. "It's cuz I'm black, isn't it?"). In this case, Finn wasn't really trying to combat Kurt's sexuality. I'm sure he was fine with Kurt being the way he was. He just didn't want to have to deal all of it at such an intimate level. Most people have to deal with that every day of their lives. This was Finn's own home, his own room, his own private life; he wanted to feel comfortable there. Being thrown in a room with a prima donna was not his cup of tea. It's like dealing with a bad roommate, or even an annoying sibling. Both Finn and Kurt's father understood that the issue WASN'T about the room: Finn recognized it was about the relationship, but Burt was too caught up in "morals" to see the real big picture -- the REAL relationship. It's not about being GAY. It's about simply being DIFFERENT from one another. I hate the color pink. My sister loves it. It's freaking annoying! And I have a right to say so!

Finn's not perfect either. It was very unwise to lose his temper on Kurt like that. He wasn't really thinking of Kurt's feelings, either. OBVIOUSLY calling Kurt's hard work "faggy" was NOT SMART and NOT NICE. Finn doesn't quite have a grip on words, yet, I think. He's still too much of a dunce to understand what is appropriate and what is not. But does he REALLY think being gay is wrong? Never before has Finn given us that impression! Kurt was very kind and understood this at first, ("I didn't take it that way!") but he didn't stay that way. Nope. He listened to his jaded father and joined him in putting Finn on the guilt trip ("I thought you were different!") without truly understanding Finn's feelings and beliefs. Pride strikes again.

I've said quite a bit, and not a lot of it made perfect sense, but my point is that this episode of Glee was a little bit one-sided in its reasoning. Obviously, what the producers wanted us to take away from this episode was that we should not judge people. Everyone's got baggage. Kurt and Burt both have to deal with the torments and prejudices that come with being different. Finn has to deal with living with the discomforts, confusions, and pressures of trying to find an identity. Not everyone's right, and not everyone is wrong. So we should not jump to any conclusions or make any judgements without seeing every side and taking the time to fully understand each other. I get it. But I think the show focused a little too much on how FINN needed to learn that lesson, while Kurt's family also needs to learn it.
Perchance we simply need to wait for another episode to shed some light from a different angle... I'm sure the story's not over yet.

That's all for now!
Thanks for reading.

I Am Now A Working Girl

Originally Posted on Outward Expression.

Uniforms have always intrigued me, mainly because of the challenge of expressing your individuality in something meant to repress it. Here is my work uniform. It consists of a supplied name tag, shirt and hat and black pants, a belt, black socks and shoes I have to supply myself. I got the pants at JC Penny's with my mom. The belt is hers.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Fabulous Second Hand Outfit

Originally posted on Outward Expression.

I usually don't wear yellow as a general rule, but when I found this dress, I fell in love with the little cornflowers. It was $8 at Ragstock, so I figured, why not?

I paired it with a hat that I think belonged to my grandmother, but I'm not sure. It's a simple straw hat with a giant red rose. I like it. I feel like i'm ready for a day at the races in this outfit.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010


Originally posted on Outward Expression.

I love hats. Hats are my favorite accessory, by far. My mom says you shouldn't wear a hat that has more character than you, but I think I have a lot of character and therefore I can wear whatever the hell I want.

This hat I just got from Everyday People yesterday with Hannah. I also got a beautiful rainbow tie dye dress that will be wonderful at Pride, anyway, this is a gray beret that laces up the side. I loved it the moment I put it on. It made me feel sophisticated. I don't know if I'm wearing it right, but as Sylvia Plath once said, "If you do something with enough arrogance, no one will question you".

This next hat is one I wore today to the beach with my bright green sunglasses. I have several different flowers that I can pin to it, and today I wore the orange one. This hat was new from Ragstock, but I still love it to pieces.

My New Plan to Get Things Done Around Here

I have a new weekly schedule on how I spend my spare time.

MONDAY: Write music.
TUESDAY: Work on art projects
WEDNESDAY: Read a novel
THURSDAY: Excercise
FRIDAY: Work/Study Fashion
SATURDAY: My choice
SUNDAY: Do spiritual things like scripture study or writing to missionaries.


Things I can do on any day of the week:
Play piano
Go on Facebook/Blog
30 or so minutes of exercise
Read Scriptures
Spend time doing any of the above things with friends

An Adventure with an Old Friend... to Chino Latino

So yesterday I expanded my cultural horizons with my friend Ingrid.

She picked me up in her (cute) bug convertible and we drove downtown. I don't go to Minneapolis/St. Paul enough. As Ingrid so wisely pointed out, there is a huge unknown world right at our fingertips, and we should embrace it and experience it as much as we can. So we did...quite a bit. I wore my overalls that day.

First stop was the World Market. Ingrid's taken me here before. It's a huge conglomeration of different shops and fast food restaurants from different countries. We got the mexican food this time around, which, to me, just tasted like regular ol' mexican food but apparently it's quite legitimate so I'm fine either way. It tasted good, and the salsa was really spicy. Hooray!

Next was a store called Everyday People. It's a second-hand store, and as we all know, I love things cheap. I finally found a purse for ten dollars that matched my style, yet could be worn discreetly if the need arose. It's just a nice purple thing with a floral tapestry print on the front and a fuzzy black fringe on the bottom. Of course, purple is my favorite color, and I liked the romance of the floral print so I got it. If I want something less indie, I can use my leather purse that I already have. In the meantime, it's a decent size with a long shoulder strap, just the way I like it. It's perfect.

Ingrid got herself this amazing tye-dye dress (for Pride) and a cute gray baret hat. She works it quite well.

While we waited for Chino Latino to open, we trekked down to a random outlet book store that sold the most random titles I have ever seen. Hardly any of it was mainstream or ever made a best-seller list. I didn't realize just how many books there were in the world until I made my way to the basement of that packed book shop. Man alive.

We also stopped by Mac just so I could see the Lady Gaga VivaGlam AIDS fund Lipstick that I really want but it's fourteen dollars and there's no WAY I'd spend fourteen dollars on a tube of lipstick. Maybe someone can get it for me for my birthday or something...

Our final stop before Chino Latino was Ragstock where I got these AWESOME white plastic GoGo boots. I love them to PIECES and I have just the right top to work them with. They were, regrettably, thirty dollars but I think it's money well-spent. I just have to not spend another dime from now 'til doomsday in order to keep myself afloat in this world.

Adding to my financial regrets, Chino Latino was an excellent restaurant... and a very pricey one. I didn't realize until I got there just how much I would be spending on the side, the main course, the drink, and then the dessert. 25 dollars just isn't in my wallet to spend!
BUT the food was great. We had potstickers, some rice and vegetables, a mango drink, and fried ice cream (my favorite part).

The thing about Chino Latino is this: It's got a nice embiance to it. It's dark, with mood candlelight. The waitresses were very nice, very helpful. The drinks were fancy... we saw a couple margaritas come out with real flowers sticking out of them; one girl even ordered a drink that was served in a real pineapple. We also sat near the sushi chefs, which was quite fun. Yes, it was a higher-class restaurant, methinks.


There are some things about the restaurant that were a little... let's say, Adult. First off, I thought it was rather funny how the entrance was basically a dark room, about five feet by seven feet in length, with almost no light whatsoever. We wondered to ourselves what might have gone on in that room after hours. Then there was the very nice greeter who's first question was, "Here for happy hour?" We saw a few Chino Latino staff walk by in some interesting shirts, including one that said "Wanna Bangkok?" I can't help but laugh at the pun, crude as it may be.

Things got better! After the meal, we got some fortune cookies. Mine read thus:

On the party barge of life, you are the beer bong.

Ingrid's read:

That wasn't chicken.

Then Ingrid HAD to show me the bathrooms. These need no further description...

Although they had really cool faucet installations...

All in all, a great trip. I stepped out of my comfort zone, tried some new things, and got a few laughs with a good friend. A day well spent. A day well spent indeed.

Lady Gaga "Stand By Me"

this is REALLY good.

Israeli Singer Maya Buskila covers Lady Gaga

A Nice Bad Romance with Ukelele

Saturday, May 22, 2010


I'm seeing LADY GAGA in CONCERT on March 11, 2011.
I know it's a long way away, but it's worth it. I didn't think she was even COMING to Salt Lake City, and I was really bummed that I would be in Utah when she came to Minnesota. All my friends here in MN are jealous of me because I get to see her in UT. Minnesota tickets are hard to come by. She's really popular out here.

So yeah, I'm CRAZY excited. The better news is that I get to go with Katie, my best friend. There's no one I'd rather go with. She's the only person who understands me from pretty much every angle -- both the Mormon one, and the human one. So she won't judge me if I go GOOGOO over GAGA, who's probably not the best role model.


My Top Favorite Bones Characters

I love BONES.
In honor of the finale of the fifth season (which I felt was sort of an iffy finale), I will list my favorite characters IN ORDER.
The IN ORDER is important because I'm usually not very good at ranking things. Everything is usually too good to pick a favorite. But I will do my best here.

1. Temperance Brennan.
Believe it or not, my favorite character is both the main character and a female. Why? Well, she reminds me of me in a lot of ways. She is brutally honest and socially awkward. She thinks too much, very much like me. Our difference is mainly how we express our feelings in our work. She likes fact and focus. I am more free and creative in my outlets. But really, she is a genius, and it's nice watching someone that successful and intelligent still have problems. Everyone has their own burdens to bear. That's important.

2. Hodgins.
Yeah... I like Hodgins a lot. He's hilarious, intelligent, and the romance between him and Angela is adorable. He's the one-liner master in this show.

3. Booth.
Not only is he very attractive, he's deep. He's got baggage, too. His love for Bones is the kind that you can obviously see, but you never see it directly. Terefore, attempting to study his character is really fun.

4. Zack
Yeah, I know he's a psychopath and he hasn't been in the most recent seasons, I just really liked him while he was around. He was HILARIOUS. So smart, it was cute. He was my favorite part of the show when he was on.

5. Sweets.
Mainly because I understand him. He feels unloved and misunderstood. He also is really open with his feelings. And young, full of life, eager to please. I just like him.

On making people's brains hurt...

A dear friend with whom I can only share written correspondence with said these two things about me:

1. I have trouble reserving my feelings.
2. I take what he says too seriously.

My response:

You are absolutely right. I wear my heart on my sleve... or I suppose it would be better to say I wear it EVERYWHERE, not just on my sleeve. I'm REALLY bad at that keeping-quiet thing. I am absolutely terrible at keeping secrets about myself. Granted, they're not BAD secrets. Just things people feel uncomfortable talking about on a first date... haha. I cry a lot, I laugh WAY too much at the tiniest things, and I take everything way too gosh-darn SERIOUSLY. SERIOUSLY! I even take humor seriously! (For a whle I made it a point to intentionally tell exactly four jokes each day. What is wrong with me?) So yeah... I'm not what you call a "feelings reserver." But I'm working on it. And I need all the advice I can get. :)
I do value your opinion. Greatly. Mainly because it usually comes from this completely different lens of thinking that I have never yet experienced elsewhere. Yous eem to be comfortable with contradiction, which is simply fascinating to me. Youa re incredibly honest with yourself and with other people. Whether or not that's the "right" way of looking at things, I still think it's valuable to at least consider it and view the world that way for at least a moment.
Is this the way I think? I'm not sure, but I often compare my way of thinking to your way of thinking and that involves a lot of self-scrutiny and thought -- and you know, my favorite thing to do is think, so I'm perfectly okay with that.
I know some people who have almost the exact opposite mindset as you and they seem like pretty happy people. My old roommate, for example, looks at things very quickly and doesn't dwell on anything. If I say something "deep," she always says I make her brain hurt. lol. But she seems very content with her life and sometimes I get jealous. It's hard to take something that has been made complex and make it simple again like it was before. What usually ends up happening is I have to work through all the complexity and find the simplicity in it much later -- but never again does simplicity stand on its own. I dunno... I just always find myself thinking, "How in heaven's name can you see things that way?! It's just not that simple!"
But maybe it actually is...

Sunday, May 16, 2010

While we're on the subject of Glee...

I do like this show, by the way.

Of course I liked it better when I lived in BYU and had a bunch of girly roommates to obsess over it with me, but I still watch the show religiously every week. The characters are hilarious, the music is rocking, and there is definitely a lesson or two to be learned from these episodes...


I am disappointed in the newer episodes. They are not intriguing enough. The first set of episodes before their winer hiatus were VERY captivating because there were plenty of suspensful secrets, dramatic moments, and jaw-dropping emotional moments. Quinn's baby-daddy secret, for example, and Schuster and his wife. Things like that ended too quickly and now there isn't enough intrigue to keep me interested. There is some potential... Kurt's crush on Finn, Quinn's pregnancy, and Jesse's possible double-crossing business. But there is no tension being built! There's not enough drama, not enough suspense. Heavens. I want more. So that's my bit about glee.

My favorite Glee Characters:
Of course, Sue Sylvester. Kurt. Puck, and Emma. Mercedes seems like the sanest one, and that one dumb blonde cheerleader is just hilarious. And Artie is just cute. Everyone else just annoys me, particularly Rachel because she's just so gosh-darn obnoxious. And Finn is just stupid. And every time Quinn is on the screen I want to shoot the TV. Jesse's hot, but that's about it. As for Schuster, he does things that I just want to ask "WHY?" about. In general, the people in this show are almost too over-the-top, which can add to the humor but also irritate me to near violence. That's it.


... And I'm SO EXCITED!!

Sick sick sick

I am sick and I don't get sick that often. Bleagh.

I also saw the High School Showcase last weekend and it was quite the blast. It reminded me of all the great times I had while I was still in high school, and it also made me realize all of the AMAZING talent that we have within our school systems that often go unnoticed. Now that I'm out of high school, my opportunities to simply make music are so gosh-darn limited. You don't get to go on a stage or sing into a microphone in front of people as much. What a shame! I wonder how many people are out there who are dying to raise their voice, but they can't because they aren't given the opportunity!
I hope to fix that problem somehow or another once I'm a music teacher (assuming I actually can become one). Maybe I can start now... once I figure out when I work at this new freaking job.

Let's see... what else? Oh, my beloved calculus teacher was also at showcase the night I went. He was wearing a minnesota gophers shirt and he had his older daughter with him. She's in kindergarten. I am in love with him. Seriously. It was very hard to keep myself from kissing him over and over again when he called out my name. He recognized me! Things were very awkward, though, cuz my mom was there and we sort of ran out of things to talk about. Oh well, at least I saw him again. And at least he remembered me. Oh, I am so in love. :D

Friday, May 7, 2010


Status: Single Student. EMPLOYED.

Yes, I got the job. Very very happy right now.

That's really all.

Oh, it's Friday! Here comes a dream i had just last night:

It's about my gorgeous calculus teacher. I dreamt I went back and visited elementary school (which I did actually do yesterday) and there he was! I pretended not to notice him as I passed him outside a couple of times, but finally, as I was crossing the street, I said, "Oh, Mr. C! So nice to see you again!"
He was wearing (of all things...) roller skates, a green shirt, with a purple blazer. "Hannah! How's college?"
"Great! Swept a 4.0 both semesters! Things are good!"

Then the Stratmans showed up and humiliated me. I don't know how this happened, but Sister Stratman wanted Mr. C to take a book of mormon. So she shoved it in his face and I was really embarrassed for him. I tried to hide, so I went into my room (I somehow magically got there...)
Suddenly Mr. C. with his cute little nerdy glasses was in my room. I apologized for how up-front sister stratman was about the book of mormon thing and he said, "Oh, that's fine. Really. I just wanted to get this back to you."
He handed me an orange notebook I once wrote in back in Jr. High. "Gee, thanks!" I said. "Umm... why do you have this?"
"Stratmans gave it to me."
Suddenly I got worried. I remembered writing personal stuff in there. How much had he read? There couldn't be anything... too private... in there, could there?
"Oh," I responded. "Um, well, how much did you.. did you read?"
Mr. C smiled, turned and began walking away, "Oh, I read as much as I needed."
"About the church?"
"Nah," he walked through the doorway into the hallway, "About your crush on me."
I looked down at the first page of the diary and to my horror, I read the words, "I'm almost embarrassed to tell you this, but I love Mr. C!"


Feelings about it:
Well, first off I still really like this teacher, even though I haven't seen him in a year. I want to go visit all my high school teachers but it takes extra time and I fear going in there and saying, "Hey! I'm visiting even though I was a crazy student who obviously liked you last year. You may be very busy, and you may now have forgotten me, but I'm here to say hi anyway."


Don't know why the Stratmans are so antagonistic in my dream. Maybe it's just the fact that they're facing some troubled times right now and I am not quite in agreement with some of their actions.

As for elementary school, I went back and visited it yesterday and oh my, things have changed, yet so many things have stayed the same! The Cafeteria, the Blue, Yellow, Orange, and Green Centers, the Library. So many memories (not so good ones, to be sure) flooded back to me as I walked those halls. I even ran into a couple of my old teachers. Some recognized me, others didn't.

I felt like such an adult in there. My mom was there to teach a music appreciation class, and after her lecture, she introduced me and I told them I was in college. I realized as I talked to them that I was a "grown-up" to those kids. There are only two ages for a kid: "Grown up" and "kid." I definitely wasn't "Kid." I had breasts, a grown-up voice, and a grown-up dimeanor. There really was no age difference between me, my mom, or their teacher. We were all "grown up." Brings me back to the whole Peter Pan concept I was thinking about yesterday. I can't go back to childhood. I'm in my own Neverland, in a way. A land where you can Never be a kid again. Hm.

So yeah. Dream. I love Mr. C.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Oh the Cleverness of Me!

Had a job interview today for Cub Foods. Hoping hoping hoping I get it.

Also saw an old friend today who's kind of gone downhill. Almost all of my closest friends have taken a beaten path in one way or another these last few months. It makes me realize just how bad the world is getting and how far even the sanest and most well-intentioned people can go. I vow now never to be one of those people.

I've also been having this obsession with the Peter Pan story lately. I have definitely "grown up." But sometimes I wish I hadn't. When you're a child, things like drugs and alcohol and idiotic promiscuity do not exist. Everything is pure, everything is good, and everything has purpose.
"Oh the cleverness of me!" In other words, I have purpose. I am unique, I am clever. I can do what I choose, I have power to influence things around me. Yeah, I know, it's just a conceited kid talking, but man, so much insight!

I hope not to cross too far over into content that should be put into "A Number of Things" but I'm also reading Bleak House right now, by Charles Dickens. I pledge to read more books this summer.

I am also much less heavy than I was last summer, though I don't quite know why. Last summer, I biked every day and I could barely keep ahold of 135. Today I looked, and without doing anything, I was 133. Is it what I've been eating... or not eating? Has my metabolism just now shot up? I don't know. Whatevs.

Listening to: Here in Your Arms -- HelloGoodbye
Things that Went on Today: Cub interview, met up with Polly, American Idol with Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga American Idol 2010


1. Because I am already such a GAGA fan, I was a little too aware of the 'forest red-riding hood' scene she had going tonight on American Idol, which made for a slightly boring performance (for me). I'm sure others may have enjoyed a concept that was new to them, but for me, it was a passe show.
2. Her "Bad Romance" at the beginning was SO COOL. It was almost country! You know what I'm saying? Sort of a bounce to it that I have not yet heard before. Her vocalization during that number was also very impressive.
3. The outfit. I can't believe people can get away with wearing nothing but fishnet on public TV these days, but of course the one person who is actually willing to at least TRY to get away with it has to be Gaga. You gotta admit, she has courage. As for the strange black tulle hood garment thing... as my mom put it, "It got in the way." I liked it when she was seated on the piano, tho. Added a nice "riding hood" touch.
4. The dancers... what were they wearing????
5. The song is not as fun to listen to live as her other singles have been. "BAD ROMANCE" is just epic. Telephone has a definite bounce to it. But ALEJANDRO? It's more of an easy listening number, not a show-stopper.

So there's my bit about Lady Gaga (or as my mother calls her, lady GAG-a) on American Idol tonight, May 5, 2010. I liked her last appearance so much better. Pokerface gone rock-and-roll was just incredible. Now I think she's beginning to try too hard. Once again, quoting my mother, "She's trying to out-do herself all the time nowadays." And it's even worse now because you got people like Ke$ha and Christina Augiulera (however you spell her name) competing against her for the DIVA of the year.

Speaking of DIVAS, did you know Beyonce has a perfume line out now? It's called HEAT and I really wanna know what it smells like. :D TO MACYS!!!

Monday, May 3, 2010

A Terrible Mother.

I hate kids.
There. I said it.

There's no specific reason why; no specific reason why I bring it up, either, but I just don't do children. They're cute for about five minutes. The rest of the time, they are like monsters. One thing I can't stand is incessant crying, and that's something kids are REALLY good at. When I'm at a restaurant or a store and there's a mother there with a kid that just won't shut up, I want to go slit my wrists. I'm not joking. And it doesn't ever stop!!!
Plus, kids are just gross. They have no control over their bodies. They poop, they pick their noses, they roll around in dirt. It's disgusting. They also break things, take things without asking, and ask ridiculous questions. Not cute. Horrifying.
So yeah, I've decided I'm going to be a terrible mother. I know, I know, they always say "Once they're your kids, you will adore them no matter what they do." I'll have to see that to believe it. I don't know how I can suddenly think all of this would be okay once I have my own kid. My low capacity for crying, uncleanliness, and complete idiocy can only get so much higher.

Despite these huge setbacks, I still plan on having at least one child. Actually, I'd like to have more than one, because history shows that only children become spoiled brats. But there's no way one earth that I'd have dozens of children crawling around my house at once. I'll have two for starters. Then, if I feel I can handle more, I'll have more.

I'll be frank. It is unwise to have kids for the sake of having kids. Sure, we have octomoms out there, but even on a more realistic level, I see women all the time who keep popping out babies, while in the meantime, they neglect the ones they've already had. It can be on an emotional level. It's hard for a growing teenage girl to cope with big families if the mom is always too busy witht he babies to spend time helping her older daughters grow. Lots of kids from big families end up turning elsewhere for support and love. These alterior solutions can be hazardous: Alcohol, drugs, sex, etc. Big families, if not reared up correctly, can deeply impact society in a negative way. And financially speaking, a lot can go wrong with seven children. First off, these are hard financial times. Things can go wrong at any moment. A big family creates a very unstable environment. Children are expensive. Can you take care of them well in a meager financial situation? I suppose that's a personal decision that varies based on circumstance, but I couldn't. What if I had to work? How can I expect to be a good mother to my children if I can't even see them at home. It's better -- especially for young children -- for a mother to be close to home. I am a firm believer of that.

In closing, when deciding how many children you should have, PLEASE think of the consequences. Can you handle a big family? Are your financial situations in order? Will you be able to care for each child individually? HOW ABLE ARE YOU TO BE A GOOD PARENT TO A LOT OF CHILDREN? Seriously consider this question. It is a matter of life and death. All things begin in the home. It can be the best learning environment and center of love, but it can also be a prison and a center of abandonment if you don't make correct decisions as a parent. Watch out. Don't be foolish.

As for me, I think three kids will suffice for me. Three or four. It worked very very well for my family. I was given adequate attention from both of my parents; I still am. My mother felt comfortable staying at home, which gave wonderful blessings to me and my siblings. I'd like my children to be close enough in age so that they may be able to learn from each other while they are living together. In particular, I want my girls to have as good of a relationship with each other as it was with me and my sister. (How can such strong relationships be cultivated with so many children to compete against, I beg to question?) Plus we don't have that issue with kids bouncing everywhere, pooping on everything and crying their brains out. :D