Monday, June 30, 2008

Today, Dreams, Dake, Thaddeus, and Music.

I did a lot today.

Well, sort of. I slept in a lot because, as you may know, I stayed up really late last night. But when I got up, I showered, practiced my pit music, mowed the lawn, massaged my grandmother's back, and clean up a little.

I am very tired now.

My friend Thunderchild has been talking about dreams she's had. I, for one, have not had many dreams these days, which is sort of depressing. I used to have dreams all the time. I'd write them down and share them with my friends and analyze them. But now there's nothing. I wake up every morning with nothing but the morning on my mind. My friend Dake told me that you are guaranteed to have dreams if you imagine a blue cloud/liquid flowing to the back of your head. Something about chokras or whatever.... Dake's been very weird these days. He likes ouija boards and auras and stuff like that. Not quite the stuff I'm into. We are very different people, but everyone says we'd make a cute couple. He told me he liked me before asking me to prom, and ever since then I've felt sort of awkward around him. But that just might be because wherever he is, Thaddeus is usually close by. And with Thaddeus comes feelings of uncertainty and anxiousness about everything.

I love Thaddeus with a passion I don't think is good for me. It's so hard not to love him when he comes up to you during a get-together and just sits and talks to you and listens smiling as you rant about Legally Blonde, Gerard Butler's eyes, and other sappy romantic girly stuff he cares nothing about. It's hard not to love him when he calls five minutes after you leave his house and asks, "You know the way back home, right?" it's hard not to love him when he simply smiles at you for no apparent reason. Okay, now I'm getting very sappy and this whole post is going to become a waste of time if I don't put in something meaningful...

I've made an interesting discovery these past few days. As a Mormon, I am a firm believer of honesty. In fact, one of the requirements to attend the temple is to be "honest in your dealings with your fellow men." All your dealings. Mostly, I think I'm pretty good at it now. Sure, I tell a white lie once in a while, but when I do I usually catch myself and change it. I also don't cheat or take other people's things...

or do I?

The other day I was sitting in a parking lot waiting for my mom, listening to my iPod. I looked down at the song, and then I realized, "Wait a minute. I burned this song off of the CD belonging to a friend of mine. I didn't pay for it. Does that mean I STOLE the song?"

After serious thought, prayer, and after talking to parents, church leaders, and friends, I have decided that yes, burning music that was not yours in the first place into your own music library is a form of dishonesty. It's stealing, whether illegal or not. At this moment in time, I'm a little bit hypocritical because I have not gotten rid of this questionable music yet. it's SO HARD... I've gotten so used to having these cds, I don't want to just drop em now. I mean, all my My Chemical Romance CDs were burned copies of my friends' cds. Half my Nightwish, half my within temptation, all my three days grace, motion city soundtrack, matchbox 20, lifehouse, the fray, and then theres all those mixes people randomly have given me. heck, even some of my CHURCH music is burned!!!! I think for my birthday I'm going to ask people for Itunes gift cards and cash, so I can rebuy those cds. I don't feel ready to do it. But isn't real obedience doing things you don't want to do? This is the hardest sacrifice I've ever had to make for my church, and I'm still not totally sure that it's a sacrifice I simply HAVE to make.... I'm probably ranting, now. And absolutely everyone I've talked to has said that it's okay to own such music... but just because everyone SAYS it's okay doesn't mean it IS okay, right? I'm so torn!!!

One things for sure, I'm not getting any sleep tonight... it's already past one. darn it.

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