A few interesting things have happened to me this week. Most of them made me start thinking about what love actually is and what it means. I've come to this conclusion: I don't know how to love yet. I know how to act like I love someone, and I know that someday I will know how to love someone, but I just don't actually love anybody yet.
I have come to two conclusions about my personal relationship with love. The first is that I now know what it feels like to do something for someone, with someone, TO someone that should require love, but didn't. I'm really not in the mood to write down any details but lets just say I felt absolutely nothing. It meant nothing. There is no attatchment, no passion, no emotion whatsoever. Furthermore, there is no regret, no remorse, no shame either. It's just empty. I look back and I remember it and it should be a happy memory, but it's not. It's not a bad memory, either. It's just a memory. Yikes, that's not supposed to happen. I feel I'm becoming less and less human with every relationship I form.
The second conclusion involves another romantic encounter I have had this past week. This one was not as direct or discreditable. It involved a man expressing his feelings about me against his better judgement. This was a man I thought I loved, but now that I've finally had those feelings reciprocated, I'm not sure if it's love anymore. As a matter of fact, I KNOW what I felt for this guy wasn't love. As I think about it now, I realize there are a lot of things I have to be willing to sacrifice in order to love him, and I'm not ready to sacrifice those things yet. I may end up loving him in the future, but at this point, all I feel is that empty feeling again. That feeling of robotic non-emotion. This is not love.
That's the bad news. The good news is that it's not lust, either. I had a physical relationship with this guy, but it has long since been over and now I wonder if I even really find him attractive. The answer is no, but yes. I find his personality and charm attractive, and I think that counts for something much deeper than looks. So if it's not love, and it's not lust, what is it? Fascination? Infatuation? Fear, even? What is happening to me? Will I ever be able to truly love a man for everything he is, or will it all just be this plastic, selfish, love-lust crossover that I feel right now?
This makes me wish boys didn't even exist.