Friday, November 29, 2013

40 Things that are Wrong with Nicole Westbrook's "It's Thanksgiving"

Happy late Thanksgiving, everyone.

Here's something to be thankful for.  This gem given to us by media-obsessed corporate America.  One of the notorious creations of producer Patrice Wilson (known especially for birthing Rebecca Black's "Friday" through ARK Music Factory).

I present to you here, for your entertainment, my list of things that are wrong with this video.  There are a lot of them.  I'll try to keep it all in chronological order.

Before I start my actual list, I just would like to say that the fact that this video even exists is wrong in its own right.  The purpose of Mr. Wilson's company is to give young rich kids a chance to perform in a music video. Parents will shell out thousands of dollars to this company in hopes that their child will become the next Justin Bieber, not acknowledging the fact that their precious kiddies have little to no talent, and that they are putting the fate of their child's future into the hands of a "composer" and "producer" who writes nothing more than garbage. And, to make matters worse, these videos are posted on YouTube and the people involved are expecting them to be taken seriously!  Watch twenty seconds of this video and you know exactly what you're going to get: self-obsession and decadence in the form of a cheap music video.  It's a grand waste of time, money, and effort. You'd think we'd learn after the "Friday" debacle that this is in no way a good thing for society.  But no.

Alright... now to this music video in particular...

1.  While the video actually seems somewhat promising at the beginning, one can't help but notice just how many filler "ohs" and "yeahs" are happening as this long introduction plays.  When does this song actually START?  And what exactly is it ABOUT?
2.  She's sitting on a bed, in what could easily be the most awkward sitting position one has ever seen.  Who exactly is she singing to?  We still don't know yet what this song is actually about.
3.  Her shirt reads "Dance Until Dawn."  How old is this girl?  Doesn't she still have a bedtime, or are her parents even bigger idiots than I thought?
4. That "Come on" that happens 27 seconds in?  That did not need to happen.  This girl obviously is a better singer than Rebecca Black, but nevertheless, this is rather unimpressive vocal work.
5.  "I'm wide awake, and I should take a step and say thank you..."   An okay sentiment, I suppose.  It's good to say "thank you."  But "wide awake"?  Why is this significant?  How early is this?  She's still in her bedroom, so... Morning?  How early? She's fully clothed, looks pretty well-groomed...  At least with Rebecca Black, we saw her at "7 AM, waking up in the morning" with some level of disheveled bedhead.  If you're going to literally translate lyrics into images for the benefit of the lowest-common-denominator idiot of a viewer who can't figure it out without your spoonfeeding, you should probably be consistent.  Moving on...
6.  "For the things you've done, and what you did."  Redundancy at its finest.
7.  45 seconds in, we cut to a montage of ridiculous holiday scenes cut straight out of an American Girl catalog.  Contrived "Greeting Card" poses and all.  I feel sorry for all of those other kids.
8. In "Friday," we learned that Sunday comes after Saturday.  Here, we learn that "December was Christmas, January was New Year's..." etc.  How dumb do you think your audience is, Mr. Wilson?
9.  And heck, all you do is end what should have been a final independent clause with "And the Fourth of July."  Idiotic sentence fragment.
9. I'm sure Valentine's Day and Halloween feel left out.
10.  Fourth of July scene, at around 56 seconds.  Does no one see the definite EDGE of those fireworks?   It's a poorly-edited, square-shaped stock-footage firework video added in later.  Obvious low-budget editing going on here.
11.  Alright, this girl is preparing food on a stove, seemingly without adult supervision (unless you count the guy using the camera, but honestly who knows?).
12.  And what the BLEEP is she preparing??  Stuffing?  Something like that?  What kind of Thanksgiving dinner is this actually going to be??
13.  1:22.  She's pulling out a giant turkey, by herself.  WHERE ARE THIS GIRL'S PARENTS??
14.  1:26.  That looks like mac n' cheese.  Nothing says Thanksgiving like Mac n' Cheese.
15.  I have failed to mention the fact that this girl is singing "We, we, we, we gonna have a good time."  I can barely tolerate it when 30-year-old black male rappers use this kind of grammar.  Having a 9-year-old white girl say it?  I shudder every time.
16.  1:36.  I am getting so tired of this camera trick.
17.  1:38.  I guess the only qualm I have here is how incredibly tacky that decoration is, and how much more tacky it becomes when juxtaposed with the tacky lighthouse.  And why is she putting this up ON Thanksgiving day?  Don't you usually put out decorations as a PREPARATION for the holiday?  (Actually, considering what I've seen this year, shouldn't there be CHRISTMAS decorations up at this point?)
18.  "No matter how you do, no matter what you say, this is my favorite."  Okay.  That sentence DOES NOT MAKE SENSE.
19.  And just when you thought the stinking holiday montage was as crazy as could get, now we've got the token middle-aged black guy (Patrice himself, who somehow thinks it's cool to cameo in his own videos) showing up in the middle of the tween festivities, smiling and nodding as if he were singing to two-year-olds who didn't have a clue when New Year's was.  He's the only adult ever to be seen in this video.  Any relation to the other kids?  Not that I can see.  It's a little creepy.
20.  2 minutes in, and now we have Thanksgiving guests.  Once again, no parents.  As happy and fun as this all looks, a part of me wonders how these kids are all allowed to just go over to a friend's house on Thanksgiving.  Don't they all have families they want to see?  Aren't they travelling?  Isn't there some familial obligation they must meet?  Where do a bunch of kids have the time (or the stomach?) to bring food over and have Thanksgiving with other kids, while their families may have their own traditions and plans?  Doesn't make any sense.
21.  2:07.  That pose.  "Put your hand on your hip, Nicole!  There!  Now you look NATURAL!"  There's mugging all over in this vid, but that one's almost as bad as the bed shots.
22. 2:14.  She says "turkey."  Those look like RIBS to me.  (Not like Nicole's complaining, look at that fist-pump she does at the sight of them!)
23. 2:17.  She says "mashed potatoes," but it looks like this boy has brought yams.  Or beets.  Or something.  Obviously Nicole doesn't quite approve.
24. And, of course, the token black guy shows up... in a turkey costume.  I'm sure that's a tradition in many American homes...
25.  NO PARENTS at this feast...  Just the turkey-clad chaperone, and I honestly am questioning his intentions at this point.  Perhaps he's a homeless guy just trying to get food.
26. 2:29.  All heads are bowed for the saying of grace... And then Nicole has the audacity to interrupt the group during a time of prayer!  No wonder she gets the death stare from several kids afterwards.
27.  Wait... the death stare isn't because she interrupted grace. It's because she's miserably attempting to rap.
28.  "It's thanksgiving-giving and I'm tryin' to be forgiving..."  Eminem could probably pull off that slant rhyme.  Nicole cannot.
29.  "Nothin' is forbidden."  Nothing?  Food fight? Alcohol?  Drugs?  After all, no parents here to stop us from doing anything.  Mr. Turkey's probably high already.
30. 2:36  "You know we gotta have."  Gotta have WHAT?
31.  "Can't be hateful/Gotta be grateful" is immediately reversed to "Gotta be grateful/can't be hateful."  Ugh.  This guy's lyric skills are pathetic.
32.  "I got ribs, smellin' up my neighbor's cribs."  Not sure what's more ridiculous: the notion of having ribs at a traditional Thanksgiving dinner, or the fact that this tiny white girl just said the word "cribs."
33. "We be laughing 'til we cry."  All kinds of awkward right there.
34. 2:58... Aaaaaand now she's using a turkey leg as a microphone.  Holy. Crap.  This has got to be a joke.
35.  3 minutes:  Not a joke.  She's still using that turkey leg as a microphone.
36.  3:06.  Turkey's in the Christmas scene.
37.  3:22.  And he's barbecuing on the Fourth of July.
38.  Those are some half-hearted "eh's" and fist-pumps there, background kids.
39.  3:34.  Cheesiest way to end a music video ever.  That awkward smile as you look at an awkward picture of an awkward thanksgiving dinner where some awkward, creepy guy in a turkey suit shows up to eat your ribs and mac n' cheese.
40. Oh look!  And there's the Christmas card picture, too!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

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