I don't care what ANYBODY says about it. I don't CARE if your parents didn't get married until their early 30's. I don't CARE if you're 25 and have never had a boyfriend. I don't CARE if you didn't graduate until you were well into your 20's. I don't care if you served as a Sister Missionary three years ago. I don't give a crap if you're fracking 50 and living alone with only a cat and a turtle for company.
I. Feel. Old. Too old.
Too old to get a Ph.D. Too old to get married. Too old to record an EP. Too old to begin a life.
If I sit still for too long, I can almost feel my uterus shriveling into a raisin. Just when I decided that having a lot of kids might be fun...
I'm almost afraid to brush my hair because I feel like every time I do, more hair falls out.
I'm having knee problems. KNEE PROBLEMS. I'm falling apart!
And in the meantime, there are 18-year-olds... 18-YEAR-OLDS... Getting married. Owning homes and having sex and making babies and wearing white dresses and getting joint bank accounts. I'm almost positive I've wanted it more than any of them did. It's not fair.
Of course I blame others for the fact that life has passed me by. And of course I have kicked myself plenty for letting life pass me by. But in the end, it doesn't make a difference. My 22nd birthday fast approaches, and I have nothing of worth to show for it.
Back when I started High School, I imagined that in five years, I would be active, happy, married, educated... Now, here I sit. No boyfriend. No degree. Heck, I don't even have a credit card yet! It's like my life froze at age 19 but my body is still growing, regardless.
I'm sure most of these words are written out of depression. I discovered a couple weeks ago that yes, I was depressed. I feel jaded. Nothing that used to make me happy makes me happy anymore. And asking for help and support only makes me feel worse.
This is turning into a diary entry. That's not what I wanted. I just wanted to let everyone know that I am reaching my mid-life crisis at age 22. I'd better get a move on and buy a motorcycle like my dad. That way, even though I had no panache or excitement in my life, I'll at least die in style.
If I'm not going to get a motorcycle, I'd at least should put some money into that Smart Car fund. No need to think about buying a minivan anymore.
Some things I can do if I never get married:
Write a hecka songs about it.
Write a book... about Lady Gaga.
Buy all the clothes.
Put up pictures on my bedroom wall that I would never want a husband to see.
Get 8 PhDs.
Grow flowers and sing to them.
Shower in stilettos EVERY DAY.
Sing at the top of my lungs at midnight.
Own a ferret.
Have a personal gym.
Learn to yodel.
Flirt with strangers online.
Learn to pole dance.... And keep it a secret.
Watch chick-flicks all the time.
Serve the poor.
Teach music lessons to kids in my basement.
Read all the books.
Okay I feel better.
Things Going On Today: Pioneer Day. No internet at my house.
Blessings: Grandparents. Facebook on my phone.
Learned: All about the "Jesus Lizard" -- or the Green Basilisk Lizard. These are the lizards who can run on water by quickly creating pockets of air just under the surface of the water through the use of their semi-webbed feet.
Listening to: PBS.