How I Found Happiness and began the Best Year of My Life -- My Discovery of Christ's Atonement

I'm so thankful to my freshman Bishop, Bishop Armstrong.  Back in 2009, I had some trouble with the notion of repentance.  In response, he challenged me to read and study out of the book Preach My Gospel.  Well, it has been almost four years, and I still haven't completely read it yet.  But I did make the right choice in following the promptings of the Spirit that invited me to begin reading it again in January.  For several weeks, I got up a little earlier than normal and read the scriptures, using Preach My Gospel as a guide.

The cool thing about Preach My Gospel is that it's designed as a tool to help you teach others about the church.  People who have never heard about Jesus Christ of the notion of pre-existence or the idea of baptism need to be informed about these kinds of things in very simple, basic terms.  They can then build from that solid, straightforward foundation and, line upon line, precept upon precept, they can learn more until they have gained a full-blown testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

As I was reading about the Atonement in Preach My Gospel, I came to an astounding and somewhat horrifying discovery: I, myself, did not know very much about the Atonement.  Not enough to teach anyone else about it at least, that's for sure. How could I ever teach someone about something I didn't even remotely understand?  It's true, you can't ever completely understand the Atonement, but I didn't even feel like I understood even the most basic parts of it; mainly, how it applied to me, and to people in general. 

Furthermore, how could I much less have a testimony of something like the Atonement while remaining so ignorant about it?

DO I have a testimony of the Atonement? Suddenly my whole spiritual center was called onto the carpet for questioning.  Alma talks about conversion -- a change of heart -- a receiving of Christ's image in our countenance -- a spiritual rebirth.  Have I truly experienced these things?  Am I truly converted? Do I really have a testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ?  

I've been a member of the church all my life.  For twenty-two years I have worked under the assumption that I was a child of God and that the Gospel was true... but I don't think I ever TRULY believed it in my heart.

So I started doing some research.  I learned a little bit more about what the Atonement actually entailed.  My memory was refreshed about a couple of things, like how the Atonement overcomes both physical AND spiritual death.  I learned that Christ not only suffered for our sins, but also for every other unfairness, struggle, or pain we've ever suffered or will suffer.  He was able to do this because He, Himself was not only capable of doing it (due to the fact that He is God's Only Begotten and he led a perfectly sinless life) but also because he was willing to do it.  The Atonement was indeed a choice.  It did not HAVE to happen.  Christ could have damned us all by being selfish and not finishing the work he was appointed to do.  But he was willing to suffer all of that sin, heartache, and hurt because he loved us.  And, as hard as it is for us as humans to wrap our brains around that kind of love, it is SO IMPORTANT. 

By the time I had to leave for school the morning after reading all of this stuff and coming to all of these epiphanies, I asked myself the following questions:

So if the Atonement is super important and vital to our salvation (which I assume it is), what can I do to actually get it to work in my life?  What must I PHYSICALLY DO to implement the Atonement? How do I use it? 

 I know obedience is part of it.  I know God wants us to show that we care about what the Savior did for us by following His example and obeying His commandments.  Sure. I get that.  But there are people all over the world who do amazing, good things; people who lose themselves in service to others, who keep themselves clean and chaste.  People who are truly sorry when they make mistakes.  People who love the God that they know, without ever hearing about Christ or the Atonement.  People who are good, yet ignorant.  They exist all over the world.  Some die without ever hearing the good news of the Gospel.  Why is it that we so strongly encourage people to hear about it?  Why is it that we send out thousands upon thousands of missionaries every year so that they can tell these ignorant people all about it?  What important missing piece does the Atonement provide in our lives?

WHAT DOES HAVING AN AWARENESS OF CHRIST'S ATONEMENT DO FOR US?

I guess knowing about the Atonement allows us to use it.  But then there's that question, how is it that a person can USE the Atonement?  It's not like a pill you can take or a hat you can put on.  It's not a physical thing as much as it is an eternal, esoteric and ambiguous idea. And it's hard to wholly implicate an idea into your life in a way that yields any tangible, perceivable results.  It's like faith in the fact that you must trust that the Atonement works without seeing or hearing or touching any physical evidence of its working.

This sort of makes me jealous of the Catholics.  They believe in the idea of TRANSUBSTANTIATION. It's a long word that basically references the idea that the Eucharistic emblems of bread and water literally change into the blood and body of the Savior as they are partaken by worthy members of the church.  It's a false doctrine, I know, but it interests me.  The idea that you are actually eating the blood and body of Christ may be wrong and even a little grotesque, but I can understand why people might like to think that the Sacrament works that way.  This idea of making Christ a PHYSICAL PART of us -- of having him be a part of our own physical bodies -- helps us make him a part of our soul.  It makes coming unto Christ seem just a little more possible.  To change something that cannot be physically perceived or handled is a challenge for us, so we seek some way of making our desire to be like Christ as physical of a thing as possible.  We may believe in a physical change, in hopes that the spiritual change may soon follow.

Now it's never as literal as transubstantiation, but I do believe there is some truth in that notion.  Performing a physical act helps the promises we make and the mindsets we adopt seem more REAL.  That may be a reason why God has us perform ordinances like baptism, confirmation, and rituals done in the temple.  Doing something physical helps us remember the spiritual experience better, but I think it also results in a physical change within us.  Change only happens with action.  Again, inertia. We must fight it with movement. Physical transformation. As I have learned about the Gospel of Jesus Christ, I have concluded that Spirit itself has matter.  They say God is light as well as truth. And while truth may not have any physical properties, light does.  Perhaps God manifests his spirit physically through light... Perhaps our spirits within us -- which, incidentally, are in the possession of the Light of Christ -- have physical properties as well.  Perhaps the neurons, cell structures, and molecular foundations of our physical bodies are fueled by this physical spiritual matter.  Perhaps when we talk about being "quickened by the Spirit," we are referring to the way the spirit physically enlivens a human being.

I guess my point here is this: Maybe spiritual things like the Atonement aren't as esoteric and abstract as I initially believed.  But this really is all beside the point.  That discovery was made after the fact -- after I experienced what I experienced on Wednesday, January 9, 2013.  

Nothing earth-shattering happened.  No large miracle took place.  I saw no angel, witnessed no amazing wonder... heck, I didn't even physically hear that still, small voice that people sometimes hear.

It was like everything was the same, but at the same time, everything was different.

I got up from that period of studying about the Atonement. I got dressed and got in my care and drove to school.  I can't remember what I wore, but I know it was black and white... no, it was gray! I remember! I was wearing my new skinny jeans -- gray ones -- that mom gave me for Christmas, as well as a gray-and-black flannel T-shirt... I felt very comfortable. Beautiful, even.  My new short haircyt actually looked like it belonged to me that day.  I walked into Music 305 (first-semester of Western music history), and I felt like smiling at everyone... I sat and listened to Doctor Howard, and every word that came out of his mouth seemed to fascinate and excite me.

I have this bad habit of attaching meaning to everything. I may talk more about this in another post, but I tend to associate simple objects, places, and events with negative experiences that I've had previously with them.  If I watch a movie with a boyfriend and we end up having a bad break-up, I usually can't watch that movie again without feeling sick inside.  But today, it was like the opposite was happening.  Everything around me seemed to remind me of happy things.

The experience reached its climax directly after class was done.  I was sitting in the foyer of the Madsen Recital Hall, reading about chant.  Back in the medieval period, monks would sing a lot of psalms in a chant.  Oftentimes, they end with something called the Lesser Doxology.  Essentially, it's a little tag that is added at the end of the psalm that praises the Trinity ("Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost").  But sometimes the Doxology doesn't quite mesh with a given chant melody; sometimes the modes are different.  So what writers of chant would do is create alternate endings to the doxology so that you could go straight from the Doxology into a new verse of chant.  It all makes lots of sense now, but as I read about it that morning, it didn't make much sense right away. 

But then, after re-reading a few things, thinking about it for a moment, and exerting a little bit of patience, it was suddenly like a lightbulb went off in my head and everything made sense.  There were alternate endings for the doxology to help ease musical motion between chant verses! DUH!

And then, without warning, I found myself crying.  I'm having trouble finding words for what I felt in that moment.  JOY, definitely, but more than just joy.  I remembered, in that moment, where the joy came from.  I found myself saying prayer after thankful prayer to my Heavenly Father. I thanked him for music, for chant, for the class, for the book, for my brain!

And suddenly the world around me changed.


Have you seen these commercials?  There's this allergy medicine called Claritin, and I feel like the commercial for this drug provides a good demonstration for what seemed to happen to me in that moment as I was studying.  Watch and see how the beginning picture is different from the end.  Yes, the invisible strip pulls away and suddenly everything is brighter and more colorful than it was before, but the cool thing is you probably wouldn't have realized that the first part of the commercial really was a little dull and blurry until you saw the drastic difference.  That's kind of how it happened to me.  The world I was looking at before, it was okay.  But when you start seeing things in an eternal perspective, everything GLOWS.  Suddenly everything around me was bearing testimony of Jesus Christ, and I could actually see it.  It's like those little toys you get at McDonalds, where all you see is red dots unless you put it under this screen that makes a picture.  I was finally seeing the picture!  My perspective had changed so that I could get a glimpse of the world the way God sees it. It was like I put on a pair of glasses that makes the entire world clearer and more vibrant.  I didn't even know that the lenses I was using before were that bad!  But now that I had seen this, I could never go back to the old way of looking at things.  Why look through lenses that make things seem dull and unfocused? Lenses of anger, regret, jealousy, or heartbreak -- you'll never see the beauty of things unless we choose to see things in a way that makes them beautiful.


The Atonement makes things Claritin clear. 

I discovered that I had figured out more than simply how to use a lesser doxology. I had figured out how the Atonement can work in my everyday life.  There was the REAL miracle...

Using the atonement involves discovering the deeper meanings behind why we do things.  The deeper meanings behind existence.

Elder Bednar puts it best when he says that the Atonement has enabling power.  Not just healing power.  It doesn't just fix your sins and overcome death.  It makes you capable of DOING THINGS.  I like to think of the Atonement as a TRANSFORMING AGENT that allows those very real, physical transformations to happen.

What can the Atonement transform? Well, it turns something simple like saying you're sorry into something meaningful: Repentance.  And repentance is something that can change the physical nature of your soul.  The Atonement changes something simple like service into something meaningful: Charity. And Charity can change the physical nature of your soul.  It turns marriage into sealing. It turns temporal into eternal. It changes a simple thing like a promise into a covenant.  It turns a seed of faith into a tree of testimony.  It changes belief into perfect knowledge.  It turns trials into blessings. It changes hard hearts into soft ones. It turns happiness into joy. It turns death into life. The Atonement provides reason, meaning, significance, and satisfaction for every experience we have, every thing we learn, and every relationship we develop.

So, with my aptitude for attaching meaning to everything... I, of all people, should be capable of inserting this powerful transforming agent into my everyday life.  All it takes is a little change -- just remembering that amazing Atonement, allowing it to transform that which is ordinary into something EXTRAordinary.

I think that's what conversion is.  Funny. I've been a member of the church all my life and only NOW do I recognize that I have yet to be converted to the Gospel -- to receive this change of heart.

Elder Bednar says something I really like in his talk called "The Atonement and the Journey through Mortality."  He says that Christ has the power to TRANSFORM us (TRANSFORM!) into what we could NEVER have become by ourselves.

I've seen that in my own life! Here I have been working my butt off trying to be happy without involving Christ... I'm working so hard, and all that work will never get me as far as the Atonement will.

But now, here I was, rejoicing in a tiny happy moment while studying. My joy was so full. I never could have imagined being this happy so quickly after such a horrible year of break-ups, abandonment, eating disorder, and depression.  The change was almost immediate.  Just gaining a tiny bit of awareness of what Christ has done for me had immediate, exponential, positive results.  
 
I was happy all day. I was happy all week.  I was happy all month. And I am still happy now, six months later.  I haven't cried, I haven't hurt, I have learned to forgive my enemies, love my neighbor, and rejoice in trials.  And people have noticed.  "You seem to glow, Hannah," a friend of mine told me the other day. "Your sharp edges have softened.  You're not as fearful as I remember you being when I met you."  I have formed closer relationships with people; I don't think I would have made some of the friends I have made if it weren't for this new attitude.   I don't think I would have gotten through some of the new trials I have had to experience this year without this new attitude.  Everything has changed. I am healed, but even more important, I have been enabled by the power of the Atonement.

Now I know why members of the Church are so excited about going on missions. They want other people to feel this same joy that they have felt through gaining an awareness of and using the Atonement.

It is so real.  There is no doubt in my mind that Christ not only loves us, but understands us with complete and perfect empathy.  I testify that God has given us this Gospel to be happy.  It is the Atonement that makes us happy.  We are the ones who choose to use the Atonement, and therefore, we are the ones who in the end determine our own happiness.  I have learned that I can choose to keep this eternal perspective.  It's not about control anymore.  It's not about trying to force the transformation. It's now about trusting. It's about patience. It's about loving what you have.  Feeling peace and joy from the ultimate source, rather than having faith in things that will not make us eternally happy.  I am a new person.  I really am.  I am happy.  I am thankful. I am whole.

It's real. I know it. I love it.

Eleven -- A Poem by Me

Number One was joy.
     Number Two was just a boy.
Both were barely seventeen.
And I was very young then,
So I kept it clean.

Number Three?
     Don't get me started.
Number Four was a one-night stand.
Number Five was smart, but I broke his heart
When I refused his hand.

Number Six should not have happened,
     But happened nonetheless.
Number Seven should have been better
But he was a hot hot mess.

Number Eight came sort of late.
But he was new to the game.
He turned out to be a coward
Who shrank at the sight of my shame.

Number Nine,
     He was mighty fine.
And I thought he loved me then.
But his web of lies left me unraveled
To be put back together by Ten.

     But now?

Now I feel I've touched a star
And found a piece of heaven.

On a scale of one to ten,
     You're Eleven. 

Fiji Water

Once upon a time, I went to High School.  I had crushes on many boys, but for a while I had a thing for this kid named Grant who sat in front of me in English class.  His birthday was 3 days before mine, and he played  lots of sports.  He had big blue eyes and a kind smile.  I would use every possible excuse to talk to him.

Near the beginning of the year, my mom indulged herself while shopping and got a pack of really fancy Fiji water bottles.  The bottles themselves were square.  Of course the water inside didn't last very long.  I brought my bottle, unopened, to school and I decided to crack it open during English class.  As I sipped, Grant looked behind, saw what I was drinking, and said, "Hey! I've heard about that Fiji stuff!  Mind if I had a sip?"

Of course, I couldn't say no, so I handed him my bottle and he very carefully let a few teaspoons of water flow out of the bottle and between his lips without them touching each other.  His eyes were on me as he did so.  When he finished, he gave me back the bottle and said, "That's good stuff! Much better than regular water!"

These Fiji water bottles were very durable, so mom thought it would be a good idea for me to re-use them and just fill them up again with water from the tap.  During school, I would finish a bottle and then refill it at a drinking fountain.  During English class one day, I left my bottle on the table and Grant turned and grabbed it without asking for my permission.  He brought the bottle to his lips, swallowed a few gulps, and then closed it up again with a satisfying sigh.

"Yep," he said. "There's definitely a difference."

To this day, he does not know that what he drank wasn't Fiji, but tap water from the fountain down the hall.

I wrote some Journals in Junior High...

...and I called them Heart and Amy.  Their contents span from Summer of 2004 to Spring 2005.  The interesting thing about this journal was how I signed my name after each entry.  Sometimes I signed them as "Hannah" or "Hannah Johnson," but sometimes things got interesting. Here are all of the names I signed at the end of Heart's journal entries:

• Hannah
• Broken-hearted in Burnsville
• Annie McNeal
• Winona
• Aaron-less Annie
• Zahn the Electric Warrior
• Clay-Crazy in Burnsville
• Claymate
• Zahn
• Ben-Crazy
• Hannah: But why?
• Hanna
• Hannah Johnson AKA ANTI-Overachiever
• Hannah Johnson
• Hannah Mark-less
• Aubrey/Amy Wannabe
• "Christine I Love You" CRAZY! Hannah
• Paulbegone
• Mother-Abbess-to-be
• Hannah Jarett Lover
• Claymate (Hannah)
• Non-poser (I hope.)
• Hannah <3's Mark
• Hyde Lover
• A very upset, depressed, and angry person who loved you. I loved you.
• Furious Hannah who hates Mark and economics!
• Lillian Helena Hannah Johnson (my name)

There are other things interesting about this journal.  I will list them: 

Listening to: "Kidney Now!"

Learned: How to make blondies!

Blessings: Free bananas and discounted blinker-light repair.

Things going on: Work, celebration of a birthday, and car shopped.  

Contradiction: A Silly Poem by Me.

You know, I don't get that upset
When I meet a cute boy one day,
And within moments after we've met
He says the words "I'm Gay."
It's funny. You would think that I'd
Be torn apart, frustrated.
You'd think that I'd be dying inside
Because there's no chance I'd be dated.

You'd think I'd pine, that I'd cry and I'd whine
That such a gem could not be mine.
You'd think I'd make a big ol' fuss
At the notion that there would be no "us."

But surprisingly I feel no grief.
No envy, no resentment.
In fact, I almost feel relief,
And -- dare I say? -- contentment!

I know now what he's looking for.
I know just what he'll choose.
I have no chance! He's closed the door.
And now I have nothing to lose.
I'm totally fine if he's dating another
Even when he's the man of my dreams.
I'm fine seeing him as a friend or a brother.
You don't see me wish he'd change teams.

With gays, I don't feel any stings.
Cuz he just can't help the way he swings.
I don't feel the need to beg or to chase
A guy who finds love in a VERY different place.
It's like he's on a different pole.
It's out of my control.
I don't know why I feel that way...
When the guy is gay.

Now, let's go to a scene I hate:
I meet this awesome guy.
Turns out he's straight, and we go on a date
He gives me a college try.
My heart is in a happy whirl.
I'm thinking he's the one.
But then he finds another girl.
And so he says it's done.

And then -- oh gee! -- it's like World War Three!
My heart feels so much ache!
I do all I can. I beg and plea:
"You've made a big mistake!"

My grief is so great
When the guy is straight!

I just don't get the difference.
This reas'ning seems more clear:
To pine for any just doesn't make sense.
Whether he be straight or queer.

So now I find myself asking why
My heart needs so much healing.
I forgive a gay man, but not a straight guy.
Even though both can't help what they're feeling!

So when he's looking for love in a lady fair,
And he manages to spot it...
(Could be her smile, could be her hair --
Whatever it is, I don't got it.)

I can't complain. The two belong.
It's pointless to put up a fight.
It's not like I've done something wrong.
It's just I wasn't right.

When I don't have what another needs.
There's nothing left to stay for.
It's nothing that I said or did.
She's just the one he's gay for.
:D

THE END

It's so nice, having a lover who understands you.

  

Hey Jude
Bdubs with Kory
Quasimodo

Scars/To the New Boyfriend

I really want to post this in more places, but it hits so close to home and I know that people will tell me I shouldn't post this so early after things happened.  But man... It's like this guy took all of my feelings and presented them in a form more perfect than I can imagine.

So real.... It all felt so real.

I think God told me to look up some Slam Poetry today.

Listening to:  Josh Groban Christmas music from the distant downstairs.  Loving home.
Blessings:  Parents.  A's.  New sequin jackets.
Learned:  A little more about the terrible shooting that happened in a Connecticut Elementary School today.  There are some things I wish I could un-learn.
Things going on today:  NOTHING.  I'm gonna veg all day today.  And I'm loving it.

(Happier) New Year

Okay, 2012.  Time to stare you down and just accept the fact that you happened.

This was, by far, the hardest year I've ever had to endure in my 22 years of living.  Just for context, I believe a close second would be the year 2009.  It's not like life gets harder with each progressing year.  A lot of hard things happened this year:

1. I discover I have anxiety and depression.  I still need to be healed.  I've seen psychologists, but then when I start feeling better, I stop and then things get bad again.
2.  I get dumped three times in one year -- and they were hard rejections.  That was probably the hardest part of this year.  Trying to pick up pieces after a two-year-long relationship that had a ton of issues in the first place is something I would never wish on anyone.  I remember crying every night for two weeks straight and feeling so sick I vomited.  Then there were two one-month spells that began great, but crashed and burned for no explainable reasons.  I'm still not over any of it.  I still wonder what the heck is wrong with me.  Heck, I'm still here mourning over ones that got away years ago.  Two of my exes are now happily married.  I very well could have been the bride at one of them.  Don't know what you got 'til it's gone, I guess.  Ugh. Regret.  What a bitter feeling...
3. I lost my three best friends in a matter of days.  I'm pretty sure I wouldn't still be standing today if it weren't for them.  But the minute I get back from Cali, they're gone.  Moving.  Leaving me alone.  Suddenly I found myself living on my own at a vulnerable time and that was really tough. Sleeping in a silent apartment with depression for two months was hell.
4. Sometime during that period, I develop an eating disorder.  That's never fun to go through, much less to simply admit.
5.  I have been in school for over a year straight.  That's a little crazy.  Sure, I had some small vacation moments, but really, this whole year has been about buckling down and getting back on track with graduation.  I'm technically "caught up" now, but having a 5-year undergrad still isn't great.  How I managed to get through five semesters straight without stopping is beyond me.  Perhaps it was my refuge.  Just one sight-singing assignment, one lesson plan, one practice hour at a time.  That will get me through the pain...

BUT... 

... with all this grief and hardship and strenuous work, I MUST analyze my successes.  And there are quite a few of them.  I forget sometimes when times are tough how blessed I am -- and how capable I am!  Check out this list:

1.  4.0, baby!  Not joking, it always feels good looking at your report card after a hard semester and seeing A after beautiful A looking back at me.  My shrink says it's a crutch, but at least it's one that will give me good standing for grad school.  Really, I'm just happy that I have mastery over something in my life.
2.  I got to go to California to see my wonderful old roommate get married to the man of her dreams.  To be a part of a wedding party -- to be picked! -- is such an awesome feeling.  I got to help make someone else really happy, and I got to get out of Provo on top of that.  San Diego was beautiful.  I got to wear some of my favorite dresses and there are some awesome pictures of me up on Facebook now.
3.  I also got to make a visit to my dear home in Minnesota at the end of the summer.  That was a much-needed break.  It got me away from my boy troubles and I got to spend a lot of quality time with my family.  Then there was the awesome road trip back to Utah with my mom and sister.
4.  Heck, I got a car this year.  That's awesome right there.
5.  I also moved this year.  Just at the very tail end, a few days ago.  I'm living with my grandparents now.  No rent.  New ward.  Own room.  Awesome company.  I needed to get out of that old apartment so bad.  There were just too many memories attached to that old place.  And having to pay such an exorbitant price every month was burning a hole in my wallet.  Now, I feel free and safe.  This is good.
6.  BYU Singers.  As much as I am not enjoying going these days, I really do think this has been a blessing for me.  Again -- getting picked.  I was selected to be in this amazing choir because I earned it.  That's always a wonderful feeling.  And I have made friends!  My alto friends, some boys, and of course Dr. Staheli.  I don't know what I would do without him.
7.  When it comes to my relationships... In a way, I'm pretty excited about them.  Yeah, they didn't last, but heck, I got them in the first place! It was a great month of May.  And an even great month of November. It's funny:  Every man I've ever really wanted, I've gotten... At least, for a short while.  And I pick'em better every time.  As much as I wish things worked out, it's still nice looking at this guy or that and be able to say to myself, yeah I DID kiss that face.  And it kissed me back.  Makes me feel dang sexy.  If I can get my idea of superman not once but twice in one year, I can do it again!  And next time, I won't be as stupid.  Next time, it will be for keeps.  For good.  Eternity, maybe.
8.  I have not worn the same outfit once all year.  I almost have had enough clothes to wear something different each day.  I also acquired two suits, two wigs, Fame, and Juicy Couture this year for nearly nothing.  My clothing and my matrix have really seen an upgrade this year.
9.  I was in an opera.  That's pretty important.  It led to a pretty worthwhile relationship and a ton of other friendships that I hope last.
10.  I'm actually performing songs now.  I went to an open mic and that led to me performing at small restaurant venues this semester.  I've written a lot, too.  And finished a lot.  I've also helped out some friends of mine in their musical endeavors, which is a good thing.  Music has been such an important release.  I couldn't have survived a lot of my trials without it.
11.  Friends.  That's been the biggest blessing of my life.  The friends I've had.  Especially the friends I didn't know I had.  God puts people in your life for a reason.  I'll never forget the love and support I have felt this year from the people around me.

The most important lesson I think I learned this year is this:  I am worth it.  I'm worth the $80 Fame fragrance that I've always wanted.  I'm worth the awesome home teachers I've had.  I'm worth the 20 minutes of stage time I get to perform my originals at a sports bar.  I'm worth the late hours with Nyquil and chicken soup if I'm sick.  I'm worth the spot in BYU's top choir.  I'm worth more than a douchebag who doesn't respect me.  I'm worth more than an apartment that won't fix my swamp cooler.  I'm worth more than 200 calories a day.  I am of infinite worth, and for the longest time I have been selling myself short.  I've been settling for less than I deserve.  This is such an important revelation.  At first, this new discovery led me to believe that I deserved to treat other people badly and to not trust anyone.  It led me to be angry and bitter towards everyone who's treated me with disrespect.  But now, at the end of the year, with a few months of therapy, experience, and just plain time behind me, I think I'm moving back into balance with my life.  I can have high expectations of myself and others without being cold and vindictive towards myself or towards others.  I can take myself seriously... but not too seriously.  I think my New Years Resolution this year will be something along the lines of this:

I resolve to seek true happiness in my life.  And if I don't get it right away, I resolve to be happy anyway.  

And with that, I end my post on a joyful note.

Listening to:  My man Pitbull.  "Don't Stop the Party"
Blessings:  No school.  No work.  Trips to Minnesota.
Learned:  Alexander McQueen's 2004 and 2005 lines aren't nearly as dramatic and awesome as his earlier stuff.  However, his Fall 2005 season was based on the 1960's, particularly the iconic Marilyn Monroe.  That's become one of my favorite seasons.
Things Going On Today:  I go to a performance at Muse tonight.  Move all my stuff over.  Maybe stop at work for a short time.

Concerning Readership...

Part of me wonders if it's a good idea to let people know this blog exists, because it's something I've had for a really REALLY long time and it's got lots of... well, interesting material in it. These days I only post when a certain stroke of genius philosophy comes on, but that often involves personal stories and stuff that maybe people don't need to know.  

But here's the thing... I keep diaries.  Hard-core.  Not just my personal journal... I have books -- literally BOOKS -- full of song lyrics, journals for spiritual stuff, random notebooks with scribbles and ideas and such... why post a blog?

Well a blog can be read by others.  It's main purpose is to PUBLISH ideas.  And who better to read my ideas -- at least ones I find worth sharing -- with friends?  

So yeah, I'm an interesting person with interesting thoughts.  But as I think I said in my last post, there's much more to me than this.  I'm learning in my multi-cultural education class right now that you can NEVER completely understand another person.  When I'm dead, you can read my written journals and then you'll get a better picture.  

Learned:  How to tie a four-plait braid.

Listening to:  Nothing, but I have fracking "Cosi Fan Tutte" running through my head.  Again.  And again.

Blessings:  Gentlemen, bobby pins, and face masks.

Things Going On Today:  Dr. Staheli says "Lady Gaga" during class.  We actually get out of rehearsal before 11 o'clock.  And I fall asleep in chorale... again... much to the dismay of my sister.  

The Great Dishonesty -- And a Great Experiment

So... I found out today that someone I know personally reads this and gets concerned when I write certain things about my life that seem... well, depressing.  It's now making me VERY self-conscious about what I post here.  I always thought this was a place I could go to get feelings out quickly.  I keep a VERY detailed handwritten account of my life in journals, but sometimes writing is too slow and a stroke of emotion/genius/whatever would pass me by if I tried to write it out by hand.  So I type it out here.  And I don't usually go back and edit anything or make it sound nice or understandable.  I just WRITE.  I really haven't expected too many people to actually READ this... or at least take it super seriously.

There's a lot more to me than what you see on this blog.  Trust me.

So, just to clear the air.  Yes, I was depressed.  Yes, people should have been concerned.  And they were.  My Bishop wondered if I was anorexic.  My home teachers wondered if I was suicidal.  I wasn't either of those things, but I think part of me wanted people to think I was.  But that, in itself, should concern people.  It concerns me very much.

It's kind of funny.  I'm a complete sucker for attention.  It doesn't matter if it's good or not, I just want attention.  Sometimes I lie just so I can get people to notice me.  Back when I was in Junior High, I would scrape needles along my wrists just enough so that they looked like scars you get from slitting your wrists. I never actually slit my wrists.  Never.  But I made people think that I did.  I'd show my "scars" to everyone at school and eventually some good friends of mine told the school counselor and I was brought in to her office to "talk."  She kept telling me that I was loved and there were other ways to release the stresses in your life besides self-mutilation, but that all went in one ear and out the other because I knew that already.
I remember telling my mom that I cut.  She read through my lie like a book, so she didn't really care.  She just told me not to do it again and that was it.  I was so disappointed with her response, I grounded myself for the next three weekends.  I'm not joking.

It's sad.  I don't think I've changed that much since Junior High.  I still identify people as either "the popular kids" or the "unpopular kids" and I base my social interactions on those trite judgments.  I wear the same goofy fishnets and bustiers-over-t-shirts that I wore in eighth grade.  I still freak out like a twelve-year-old when I don't get my way.  And I still lie.  All the time.  I'm always constantly lying!  Trying to look more confident, more intelligent, more hard-core, more deviant, more jaded, more shy, more righteous, more sincere than I actually am.  Maybe that's the only reason why I listen to Lady Gaga and wear four-inch heels and write music.  I'm trying to portray this image of me as an "artist" when all I am is a fake.  Poser.  Sell-out.  Lie.  

But you know what?  I think the world is full of lies.  People lie all the time.  It's why girls wear make-up and shave their legs...  Gosh, why do we shave our legs anyway?  We all know that hair grows down there!  No one is fooling anybody!  Why be ashamed of something so natural, so unimportant?  Why are we ashamed to admit that we have issues?  Why do men insist on acting like "tough guys" when inside they have these things called feelings that are perfectly normal and justified?  Once, while I was waiting for a Bishop's interview, I read in a Psychology Journal that men are twice more likely to commit suicide then women, and one of the hypotheses for why that happens is that men refuse to accept help from anyone. They want people to think they're okay, they're in control.  They lie!!! Why do they do that?  Why do we, as a society, feel like we need to hide who we are all the time?

I feel like a total hypocrite when I say this, but it really bugs me when I see people on the internet complaining about how no one likes them, but they insist on spending every waking minute of their lives doing freaky, anti-social things like obsessing over teenage heartthrobs and writing violent poetry about their ex's girlfriends.  Again, I will acknowledge the fact that I am a total hypocrite, but I know I'm not as bad as some of the girls I know online.  Tumblr is a fascinating place.  These teenage girls publish post after post of these Instagram-created pictures of little slips of paper that they tore out of their Moleskine notebooks with sloppy handwritten song lyrics from some "obscure" band written on them.  Every Valentine's Day, they sit on their laptops and share their sob stories about how nobody likes them and how they're forever alone.  They post charts, comparing themselves to "other girls" who love makeup and boys and plastic and they claim that they're soooooo different from other people and that's why they can't get the guy or be popular.  They collect pictures of pretty Hipster things and fancy toys and expensive fashion that they can't afford. They talk about how no one understands them and they die their hair funny colors and take goofy pouty pictures of themselves because that's the only way they can think of to "express themselves." They follow celebrities as if doing that will connect them somehow. They live -- obsess over -- this LIE.  They're NOT different from anyone else.  Their story is the same as HUNDREDS OF OTHERS.  It's MY story.  It's my roommates' story.  Believe it or not, you're not the only one who sits by herself in her room on Valentine's day.  Just because you post artsy crap on your Tumblr account doesn't mean you're an artist.  And instead of griping over how no one likes you, or pretending like you know the Jonas Brothers SO WELL because you've posted every possible picture of them that you can find, why not go out INTO THE REAL WORLD and make friends with REAL people?  STOP LIVING YOUR INTERNET LIE!  STOP TRYING TO BE SOMETHING YOU'RE NOT!  BE A REAL PERSON.

And Taylor Swift?  STOP.  Just stop!  Stop writing about how you can't get the boy.  You're the prettiest girl on the planet.  Every man wants you.  Stop complaining.  There are girls out here in the REAL, NON-CELEBRITY world who have never had a date in their lives.  Girls who've been abused by their boyfriends. Girls who would give ANYTHING just to hear someone say "I love you" to them. You are spoiled.  There's no way you can understand how it feels to be ugly.  And now that I think about it, stop writing songs about how guys are calling you telling you "I still love you," and you're all like, "This is SO EXHAUSTING having guys call me and tell me they love me all the time!"  LADY...  DO YOU HONESTLY EXPECT ME TO FEEL SORRY FOR YOU?  You're complaining about how everyone wants you!  Stop it!!  Just get married already so I don't have to listen to your crap.

Okay, this post has DEFINITELY gone off the track I expected it to go.  The point is...  We all lie.  I lie a lot.  I've lied so much, I'm not even sure what the truth is anymore.  Lady Gaga says that she lies on purpose, over and over again, because the idea is that you lie until it becomes true.  Now, I'm not sure if I agree with that entirely. I believe there are some truths that will never change, no matter how much time you spend in denial.  But I do feel like I've created my own reality -- my own identity -- by lying to myself.  I don't want to lie anymore.  I want to be the REAL me, but I have absolutely no idea what that is!!  How do I even start finding it?

Experimentation, I guess, which is why I have been spending the last few weeks being incredibly cold towards humanity in general.  I've been taking crap from people for so long, I'd like to see what happens when I stop taking that crap and just throw it right back.  I may scare some people away, but maybe I'll feel happier with this more stalwart, tenacious, resilient me.  The "I don't care" me. I don't know how long it's gonna last, but I'd like to see if I gain confidence by acting apathetic. It's like Nicki Minaj says, "If you can't handle my worst, you ain't getting my best."

But of course, deep down, I'm sure that's also a lie.  I DO care.  A lot.  But perhaps I just need to dull my senses to that care a little bit so I can find a balance between caring and not caring.  I mean, I'm sure I'll survive even if I end up not getting a date for a whole year or never getting to know my roommates.  Maybe if I just survive enough, I'll grow more comfortable with it and disappointing people would become more easy to take.

I just need a complete re-do.  Extreme Makeover:  Soul Addition.  Maybe I can have a butterfly room.

This has gone on long enough.

So I have issues.  Sue me.  And if what I say on this blog depresses you that much, stop reading it.  I would almost like it better if no one read it, if that is the case.


Things going on Today:  Stake leadership training.  I got no homework done this weekend.
Blessings:  Friends, of course.  But also... enemies.
Listening to:  "Marilyn Monroe" by Nicki Minaj -- One of the greatest songs of all time, and one I relate to immensely at the present moment.
Learned: (through experience)  It's better to communicate with people than to just bottle up feelings and never let them out.