The Enabling Transformation of the Atonement

I am going to talk to you about the Atonement. At least the way I perceive the Atonement.  This has sort of become my pet concept in recent months, ever since a very special experience I had on January 9, 2013.  I've already told a lot of people about what exactly happened on that day, but I'd like to talk for a while here about the kinds of things I've experienced immediately following that experience.  I'm interested in the results of discovering the Atonement.  

For years and years, I've had a very particular attachment to a scripture found in the fifth chapter of Alma.  I’m not sure exactly what began that obsession.  It might have been a Janice Kapp Perry song.  But for years, I considered Alma 5:14 to be my all-time favorite scripture:

"And now behold, I ask of you, my brethren of the church, have ye spiritually been born of God?  Have ye received his image in your countenances?  Have ye experienced this mighty change in your hearts?"  (Alma 5:14) 

I think what I initially liked about that scripture was the fact that it’s a boatload of really important questions.  Actually, the whole fifth chapter of Alma is full of great questions.  These are the kinds of questions you should be asking yourself frequently.  

Where am I on the road to salvation?  

Have I been truly converted?  

Is Christ’s image really reflecting through my countenance?  

Alma talks about experiencing a "mighty change of heart." Well what is that mighty change of heart?  It’s obviously a specific kind, since he put the word this in front of it... 

I have come to believe that what Alma is really asking here is this:  Have I allowed the ATONEMENT to change my heart? 

I testify that the Atonement changes hearts.  And when it changes hearts, it changes lives. 

One of my absolute favorite talks ever given is by Elder Bednar.  He spoke at a University Devotional in 2001, and his address is called “In the Strength of the Lord.”  It is a GREAT talk for college students and young people like us.  And I kid you not, it changed my life. 

First he quotes President David O. McKay: "The purpose of the gospel is… to make bad men good and good men better, and to change human nature.”  Then Elder Bednar goes on to say, "Thus the journey of a lifetime is to progress from bad to good to better and to experience the mighty change of heart – and to have our fallen natures changed.”  He then explains that in order to experience such a change, we have to do as King Benjamin directs in Mosiah 3:  We must put off the natural man and become saints through the atonement of Christ the Lord. (Mosiah 3:19)

That statement right there is GOLD.  We must put off the natural man and become saints THROUGH THE ATONEMENT.  We can't forget to include the Atonement, because only with the atonement does real, permanent change happen. 

So that’s my first point.  We can – and we must -- change through the Atonement.  The Atonement is an agent for change.  Or, as I would rather say, an agent for TRANSFORMATION.  Point one. 

But now the question is HOW does the Atonement change us?  For a long time I was really caught up in this question.  I had trouble visualizing exactly how something so abstract and so eternal could actually have an effect on my life.  I never questioned that it happened.  I knew Christ existed.  I knew Christ suffered and died, and I knew that he rose from the grave and is now our Savior.  But HOW did Christ save me?  What was it that he did that makes his sacrifice able to change who I am?  How can something apply to me and yet still apply to someone else, with different problems and different sins and different experiences?  And more importantly, what do I have to do to make this Atonement thing work?  It’s not a pill I could take.  It’s not a hat I could put on.  For a long time I imagined trying to hold the Atonement in my hand, and all I could see myself doing was holding just air. It was an elusive mystery that I could never understand. It’s more of an idea or event than it is an actual thing.  And I was really frustrated by that, because I like things to be concrete.  I like things to be measurable, but how do you measure something that’s infinite?  If the Atonement is the result of an action by Christ, how can I really understand what that action was if it happened two thousand years ago?   If the Atonement is a reconciliation with God, how can I know that I’m reconciled with God without even seeing Him or witnessing His son's Atonement?  Everything is just so…  unknown.  Immeasurable.  Incomprehensible.  HOW CAN I USE THAT? 

And up until just this past year, I had no answer to these questions.  But then I experienced a few trials that helped humble me and turn to the Lord, and suddenly one fine day there were some things that clicked. I still don’t know the answer to this question 100%, but I do know that the key is Christ. 

One thing I now know for sure is in order to understand the Atonement enough to actually use it to transform your heart, you need to understand Christ.  And the way you understand Christ is to spend time with him.  Read the scriptures, you guys.  It’s such a smart idea.  You can find out exactly how Christ behaved and what his attitude was in the scriptures.  And the Book of Mormon… Oh Gosh, I learned so much from that book this week. 

So what have I learned about Christ through reading the scriptures?  Well, I've learned that he was both WILLING and ABLE to perform the Atonement.  He was ABLE in the fact that he was the only person on earth that could do what he did.  First of all, he’s the only begotten of the Father.  He had Deity in his DNA, and therefore he was able to do something that only a God could do.  He was also ABLE to perform the Atonement because he was perfect and without sin.  No one else can say that about themselves.  No one else can atone for us.  Only Christ is ABLE to change us by atoning for us. 

But the more meaningful part about this is the fact that he was not only ABLE, but WILLING.  Christ, like everyone else on this earth, had agency, and he CHOSE to perform the Atonement.  And I can’t speak for Christ, but from the looks of things, it was a REALLY HARD CHOICE. Because of that choice, he had to experience an infinite amount of pain and suffering, only to be betrayed, scorned, and killed by people he loved immediately afterward. We read in Luke that he said in Gethsemane, “Father, remove this cup from me.”  Obviously the conditions were less than desirable.

 But then he says “NEVERTHELESS (and I’ve recently learned a little about the power of that word, NEVERTHELESS) not my will, but thine be done.”  (Luke 22:44)

And what was God’s will?  “God so loved the world, that he gave his only Begotten son.” (John 3:16) “For behold, this is my work and my glory, to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.”  (Moses 1:39)

God LOVED us, so he sent his Son.  And Christ, he loved us enough to perform the work God appointed him to do.  Christ was motivated to do what he did by love.  He was not only ABLE to perform the infinite Atonement, he was WILLING, because he loved us. 

Now that kind of love is confusing and overwhelming.  Honestly, I've often wondered HOW someone could have that kind of love for me.  What kind of love is it? 

Last week, I went to the temple, and as I sat there in my white jumpsuit waiting to do baptisms, I thought about the love of Christ.  It began with me stressing out about how other people (mainly boys) felt about me.  I care so much about what this guy or that guy thinks of me... But I felt bad about it because I knew that I knew better than that.  Christ loves me.  Shouldn't that be all that matters?  And that's when I started having this little battle with myself.  I thought, “Okay. Sure. Christ loves me.  But that's nothing special. Christ loves everyone; what makes his love for me so important?”  

Have you ever had your mom say “I love you” and you’re all like, “Oh mom, of course you love me!  You’re supposed to love me!  You’re my mom!”  Well I sort of had that attitude towards Christ.  “Well, of course you love me!  You’re Jesus!  You love everyone!  How is that supposed to make me feel any better?  How does that make me special?” 

And then I heard this voice in my head, very clear.  It brought me to tears.  It said, “Hannah, surely you must know that my love for you is deeper than that!  I love you perfectly!  Because I KNOW YOU.” 

And then my thoughts turned to my dear sister Ellen, who is here in the congregation today.  She’s going on a mission to the Philippines in just three days, and I’m so excited for her.  There in the temple, I thought of her and I realized that I don’t just love my sister because she’s my sister and I HAVE to love her.  I love her because I know who she is. I've grown up with her.  I have seen what a sweet, gifted, loving, beautiful daughter of God she is, and I can’t help but love her!  I love her because I know her! 

CHRIST, OUR BROTHER, LOVES US BECAUSE HE HAS BEEN GIVEN THE POWER THROUGH THE ATONEMENT TO SEE US FOR WHO WE REALLY ARE.  HE KNOWS US PERFECTLY.  

He has ULTIMATE, INFINITE empathy for us.  It is impossible for any mortal to understand EXACTLY what another person has gone through.  We may have similar experiences and we can experience similar feelings, but none of us can TRULY COMPLETELY empathize with another person.  Except CHRIST.  Christ can perfectly empathize.  And because of this infinite empathy brought about by the Atonement, Christ can have an infinite love for every person.  He loves ME INFINITELY.  

And the minute I figured that out, this "How-to-use-the-Atonement problem I had began to make sense.  IF WE START SEEING THINGS THE WAY CHRIST SEES THINGS, WE WILL EXPERIENCE THAT MIGHTY TRANSFORMATION OF OUR HEARTS!  WE WILL EXPERIENCE A TRANSFORMATION WITHIN OURSELVES.  We will become like Christ.  Like God!  We will, as Moroni put it, be "made perfect in Christ."  (Moroni 10:32)

And when I discovered this, I found the process begin to happen within me! 

I had the chance to take a look at 3 Nephi 17 this week.  This is the chapter where Christ says “Behold, my time is at hand,” (3 Nephi 17:1) and he prepares to leave the Nephites after appearing unto them, but then he sees the multitude, “in tears, and they did look steadfastly upon him as if they would ask him to tarry a little longer with them.”  (3 Nephi 17:5)

And what does Christ say?  He says, “Behold, my bowels are filled with compassion towards you.  Have ye any that are sick among you?  Bring them hither.  Have ye any that are lame, or blind, or halt, or maimed, or leprous, or that are withered, or that are deaf, or that are afflicted in any manner?  Bring them hither and I will heal them.  My bowels are filled with mercy.” (3 Nephi 17: 6-7)

And then he commands that the little children should be brought unto him.  And he kneels on the ground and groans within himself, and says, “Father, I am troubled because of the wickedness of the people of the house of Israel.” (3 Nephi 17:14) And then he prays unto the Father, and the “things which he prayed cannot be written…:And no tongue can speak, neither can there be written by any man, neither can the hearts of men conceive so great and marvelous things… and no one can conceive of the joy which filled [their] souls.” (3 Nephi 17:17)

I testify that Christ’s bowels are filled with mercy towards every one of us.  He sees us as we really are.  He knows us perfectly.  He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows.  And when we disregard his healing power, he is troubled.  But I also testify that if we start to see ourselves the way Christ sees us, and when we start to follow his example and consider his Atoning hand in our lives, we will be blessed. 

I’ve always wondered why it was so important for us to share the message of the Atonement to the world.  If the Atonement is going to save us all anyway, why do we need to know about it?  Why can’t we just be good people?  And there are so many good people who aren’t members of this faith.  But then I considered the JOY that these Nephites felt as they heard Christ pray.  “No one can conceive of the joy which filled their souls.” (3 Nephi 17:17)  I believe -- nay, I know -- that the Atonement not only ensures blessings for those who accept it in the future, but it ensures blessings for us RIGHT NOW in this life!  Having this heart transformation brings you joy!  There are blessings that come from having a knowledge of Christ’s atonement! The moment last January that I figured out just how much Christ loved me, I found myself happier.  Living the Gospel made me HAPPY.  Obeying the commandments brought me JOY.  I found myself more grateful for the things I had.  I discovered that I saw other people differently – the way God would see them.  I was beginning to have CHARITY.  

It was like in those Claratin clear commercials.  After a few seconds, the sheet is pulled back and the world suddenly becomes "Claratin-clear!" You don’t realize how dull and blurry the world was until you see things through new eyes.  Through the lens of God.  When your heart is transformed, everything around you transforms as well.  When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.  The problems in your life don’t go away, but you learn to see them differently.  

Last January, I had a chance to experience a change of heart.  I became converted, and for a short while, I could feel Christ’s image emanating in my own countenance.  There were some things I thought I could never change about myself… and they were changing.  I wasn’t always this bubbly, I promise.  I've had my depression.  I've had my trials.  And I used to always think “Oh I can’t do that, I’m not strong enough.”  I can’t fast for 24 hours, I don’t have the constitution.  I can’t read my scriptures every day, I’m so busy.  I can’t not be depressed, my life just sucks so much.  I can’t serve that person, I don’t know him well enough.  I can't forgive him, he's hurt me too much.
            But suddenly… I can!  Christ has not only healed me.  He’s ENABLED me.  Now I can do things I couldn't do before. 

How can I not share such an amazing, transforming message!? 

The Atonement is for everyone.  It is not rocket science.  If it were rocket science, then Christ would only be inviting the rocket scientists to come unto him.  He’s not.  He invites all men to come and partake of his goodness, and he denieth no one who cometh unto him. (2 Nephi 26:33)

The Atonement is a transforming agent.  It not only possesses a healing power, but also an ENABLING power. It changes bad people into good people, yes.  But it also changes good people into better people.  It is through the Atonement that a simple “I’m sorry” turns into repentance.  It’s through the Atonement that a simple promise is turned into a covenant.  It’s through the Atonement that a marriage is turned into a sealing. Through the Atonement of Christ, miracles are performed, and things that are dead are given life.  Yes, Christ turned water into wine, but he also can turn a trial into a blessing.  A meaningless thing into a meaningful thing. An ordinary person into an extraordinary person. It’s through the Atonement that “I can’t” turns into “I CAN!”

Sticks and Stones May Break my Bones... But Words have Power Also

I have this theory. I feel like it's in line with what the gospel teaches, but it also stems from other religious theories, particularly Hinduism. The main books of Hindi scripture are written in a language called Sanskrit. This is a very sacred language that represents the creation. When God utters something in Sanskrit, it is created and made real. Therefore, how the Sanskrit language is spoken in recitations is very important to Hindus. When Hindu priests learn Sanskrit passages, they say the words over and over again, using complex mnemonic devices so that they get every single word exactly right. Every time. By doing this, they are respecting the life-giving, creation-bearing language of God, and in a way mimicking God's behavior. They are attempting to align their language with their God's language. This brings them closer to deity.

God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.

I see this principle of how language gives life in the Christian  creation story. God says the words "Let there be light," and there was light (Genesis 1:3). And when he saw it, he said it was good (Genesis 1:4). I think this is a scriptural testament to how powerful language can be. In the book of John, we read "In the beginning was the Word, and the word was with God, and the Word was God. The same was in the beginning with God." (John 1:1-2) Through modern revelation (JST John 1:1-2), we know that John is referring to the gospel when he says the Word, and the gospel was preached through the Son, our Savior Jesus Christ. Christ embodies the Word. So, in other words, the Savior is the Word.

How interesting, that the Savior is likened unto, of all things, a word!

After reviewing what I know to be universal truths about God, the Savior, and the Plan of Salvation, I have come to the following conclusion: Words matter. They have consequence. As Gods in embryo, we are learning how we can use words to create. While we don't take the time to learn the Adamic language like Hindus take the time to learn Sanskrit, I still think God has entrusted us with the power of language so that we can learn how to be like Him and grow closer to Him. We, too, as God's spiritual offspring and potential heirs to his kingdom, can come closer to our Father in Heaven by mimicking his behavior and allowing our words to create good things.

In Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's conference talk, "The Tongue of Angels, an apostle of the Lord says the following:  Words are sacred.

You know the phrase, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?" Well, Elder Holland begs to differ. He quotes an Apocryphal scripture that says quite the opposite: "“The stroke of the whip maketh marks in the flesh: but the stroke of the tongue breaketh the bones.”

Words not only possess the power to create. They also possess the power to destroy. Words can hurt.

What kinds of words hurt? Well, hurtful ones. Criticism, gossip, murmuring, complaints, and profanity are hurtful. But also manipulative words. Words of deception. Words of judgment. Words born by foul motivations. Even the way we say words can be hurtful. Shouting, whining, sharp sarcasm, etc. We all know it when we see it. But do we avoid it in our daily lives?

"Negative speaking so often flows from negative thinking."
-- Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Words of pessimism and negativity are, in my opinion, probably the most frequently-overlooked grievances in our religious culture. This is particularly sad because Elder Holland says it is especially important for members of the Church to bridle their tongues and avoid negative language. I think it's very easy for members of the Church to serve two masters with their tongues. In the words of Elder Holland: "The same voice that bears profound testimony, utters fervent prayer, and sings the hymns of Zion can be the same voice that berates and criticizes, embarrasses and demeans, inflicts pain and destroys the spirit of oneself and of others in the process." This passage hits me very hard. It's amazing that the same voice that proclaims forgiveness and love through the Atonement is the voice that can utter words of stubborn judgment and hate. I think this is one of those "unto whom much is given, much is required" kind of deals (D&C 82:3). I have been blessed with a testimony, with a knowledge of the Gospel and the Atonement. Should not my words be in line with what I know to be true?

Our words are a manifestation of what is in our hearts. And as members of the Church, we have promised that we would have pure hearts (as well as clean hands, which I think relates to our actions) (Alma 5:19). Therefore, our words should be as pure as our hearts. Purity is a difficult thing to quantify, but I think it's safe to say that in order for our language to be pure, it needs to be free of profanity, negativity, or unrighteous judgment.

Some of us, me included, have a very loquacious personality.
We are very candid. We say what's on our minds...

Some of us, me included, have a very loquacious personality. We are very candid. We say what's on our minds. Whether it's something I mean or not, there are times in my life when everything that enters into my head comes out of my mouth. While this in and of itself is not sinful, I think we chatterboxes of the world have to especially take this counsel to heart. Often we say things in the attempt to help other people, or just to let our ideas "air out." Sometimes it's how we process information. I think out loud. I solve problems by talking about them and working through them through dialogue. Heck, there are times when no one is around when I still find myself saying things out loud. We often use phrases like "No offense," or "I'm just saying" or "But that's just me" to cushion the blow of some of the more negative statements we make. It can be very easy for us to say something to someone else in hopes that our words will be taken as "constructive criticism" or "just a matter of opinion." But what we need to realize is that everything we say has an impact on another individual, and some very small things we say can leave a negative impact. We do not have a full understanding of another person's spirit, and therefore we do not know the impact that our words will have on another person. Even those who appear to be Teflon-strong against sharp comments can still be affected by words we say. I think the character Thumper from Bambi said it best when he said, "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin' at all."

Honestly, could any WRONG advice come out of this rabbit's mouth?

Honestly, I don't think it's ever our place to criticize other people at all; we have so many faults ourselves! However, if words of correction are to be given, (and there will be moments in our life where God will require us to do this), they must must MUST be done with charity as its main motivator. Charity suffereth long. Charity is kind. Charity is not easily provoked and rejoices in truth. That means our words should be full of patience, kindness, and love. Think in your head how Christ treated those around him. I can think of many cases where the Lord had to deal with people who made some pretty dumb mistakes. The story of the woman taken in adultery is a great example. Not only did Christ wait until he was speaking in private with the woman before he gave correction, but the words he said to her were direct, without guile. "Neither do I condemn thee; go, and sin no more." (John 8:11) I can imagine Christ's tone of voice as he says these words. Not icy and judgmental, but warm and inviting.

"Neither do I condemn thee; go, and sin no more."

Speaking out of pride, judgment, or selfishness is not acceptable before God. In Section 121 of the Doctrine and Covenants, the Lord counsels against any act of authority that is performed with ill motivations such as these. We read that "the heavens withdraw themselves [and] the Spirit of the Lord is grieved." (D&C 121:37) While this section particularly targets holders of the priesthood, Elder Holland says that "the sin of verbal abuse knows no gender." Anyone can be moved by pride to say something they oughtn't.

Unkind words may seem small, but they can lead to so much more. In the spirit of this same theory that I described in the beginning about how words can create, I believe that by saying something out loud, we are making it real to us. The more we say we believe something, the more inclined our brains are to believe it is true. That's why it's important that we not only have a testimony, but bear it in public. And that's why we are encouraged to pray out loud to our Heavenly Father from time to time. When we transform something as abstract and visceral as a thought into something physical like a spoken word, we are creating a reality in our minds that, with time, becomes part of our core beliefs, which are difficult to shake and result in action and behavior.

So words inspired by negative thoughts can then lead to negative attitudes and, in turn, negative behavior.

"Hold your tongue, Ella!"

We know that "by small and simple things are great things brought to pass." (Alma 37:6) But it's important to realize that those small and simple things can lead to either great miracles and blessings, or great disasters and failures. We see this all the time in modern society, and we also see it in the scriptures. When James refers to the tongue as the "very small helm" of the ship that is the body or a small kindling that can beget a forest fire (James 3:4-5), he is emphasizing how something very small can yield very large, often disastrous consequences. Most of the time an abusive spouse or parent begins with simple words before turning to physical assault. An unrighteous sexual act often begins with simply casual talk and joking about sex. I honestly don't think Laman and Lemuel would ever have tried to strike their brother Nephi or tie him to a boat if they had nipped their negativity in the bud and avoided all that murmuring. In contrast, look at the kinds of things Christ brought about by using kind, loving, clean words. We don't really know what happens to the woman taken in adultery after her exchange with the Savior, but I have a feeling that the way Christ spoke to her had a profound impact on her future behavior. A bridled tongue can lead to a more positive change in people than an unbridled one. It is through Christ's words, as well as his actions, that we saw miracles performed. As Joseph Smith says, "Faith...works by words, and with words, its mightiest works have been, and will be, performed."

Imagine what this knowledge of the power of small and simple words can do in our own lives! Not only will we bless the lives of others by using uplifting, positive language, but we will also change our own attitudes about life and about ourselves! How can a person who constantly accosts himself with negative language about himself feel good about himself? He can't! It's one thing to think poorly of oneself, but as I explained, it's even more hurtful to actually say things aloud because then it becomes real to us.

I have a good friend who is very successful and talented. Everything he touches seems to turn to gold. He's got a great job, lots of friends, and he seems to be good at everything! Piano, sports, video games, making friends, public speaking... He's like superman! One time I commented, "Geez, you have been blessed with so many great talents! I wish I was as awesome at all those things as you are, but I could NEVER be THAT good."

His reply was very passionate and from the heart: "Hannah, I think the only thing that separates you and me is the fact that I believe I can do something and you obviously don't. You wouldn't have said that if you did. You need to stop saying 'I can't' and start saying 'I can!'"

How does what we say about ourselves
indicate how we see ourselves?

I responded with a simple okay, but then he said, "And don't just think it. Say it. Say it now."

Elder Holland states: "In all of this, I suppose it goes without saying that negative speaking so often flows from negative thinking, including negative thinking about ourselves. We see our own faults, we speak—or at least think—critically of ourselves, and before long that is how we see everyone and everything. No sunshine, no roses, no promise of hope or happiness. Before long we and everybody around us are miserable."

Have you ever been tempted to say "Man, I suck at this"? I do it all the time! But the more I think about this friend's advice, the more I think that I need to change the way I talk about myself, even if it's just in jest. If we really understand who we are, and more importantly, who we can become, I don't think we would even submit ourselves to the kind of language that we so often treat ourselves to. Our words toward ourselves must be just as charitable, loving, and forgiving as they are towards others! Often there are things we say about ourselves that we would NEVER say about other people. I've called myself stupid, ugly, fat, incapable, worthless... Words I would never dream of directing towards someone else! How is it that we allow ourselves to be so negative towards ourselves, even though we claim to have a knowledge of our unlimited potential and divine nature!? It's almost like we think it applies to everyone BUT our own selves. That is a grave contradiction! Christ atoned for EVERYONE, including you, including me! God loves every one of God's children. And on the day of judgment, he won't stand for any unclean thought, word, or deed that has been committed towards any one of his precious sons and daughters of God (Alma 11:37). And furthermore, how can we expect to show love to other people when we don't show love towards ourselves? The words "Love thy neighbor as thyself" (Leviticus 19:18, emphasis added) come to mind here.

Christ atoned for EVERYONE.  Including you, including me!

I testify that the words we say -- as small as simple as they are -- can lead to great consequences. These consequences can be wonderful, but only if they are spoken with Christlike charity and love. I testify also that the words we say towards ourselves can have as equally profound of an impact on our lives as the words we say towards others. If we start using uplifting, pure language now, we will see positive results in our lives, and we will serve and uplift those around us. If our language is in line with the Lord's language, we will find our will aligning with His will. We will grow closer to him and closer to his blessings.

A Journal Gem: June 25, 2006 -- To wipe away EVERYONE'S tears.

I was 15 years old when I wrote the following entry in Aubrey:

[In choir today,] we sang "I Know that My Redeemer Lives."  That's my new favorite hymn.  There is one verse that hit me so hard it brought me to tears during practice once. 

He lives to grant me rich supply.
He lives to guide me with his eye.
He lives to comfort me when faint.
He lives to hear my soul's complaint.
He lives to silence all my fears.
He lives to wipe away my tears.
He lives to calm my troubled heart.
He lives, all blessings to impart. 

 There are couple of reasons why I love this verse so much.  The first one my mom explained during practice to the choir.  He's there to comfort me. To wipe away my tears, to calm my troubled heart.  Not just as a congregation, but me personally.  He lives for me. It makes me feel like a true daughter of God and that he loves me.
But you can take it another way, too.  You see, I'm not the only one singing the song.  The people in our ward choir sang it this morning, and all over the world, people are probably singing the song.  That means everyone's soul is important to God as well.
Everyone's! Shannon's, Mom's, Mr. Bob's, Ian's, David's... Just the thought of David made me cry.  When I sang that song last week, I imagined Christ looking straight into David's tear-stricken eyes, and he lifted David's head up with his gentle hand.  Then I saw me, sitting with my head in my hands, apparently upset, stressed, and discouraged about something, and then Christ is there, putting his hand on my shoulder, and smiles at me. 
And then -- and this is the part that really to to me -- I saw Brett.  Yep, Brett.  He was crying, but they were happy tears. They were tears of joy.  Christ was there, again, facing Brett and smiling. Then he put both his hands on Brett's shoulders, grasping firmly, but gently.  Then they embrace.  That's when I realized what a fool I've been, holding a grudge over Brett like that.  Sure, he had hurt me, made me feel bad about myself, but he's God's son. Just like I'm his daughter.
He's my brother.
How should I treat my brother?
Not with anger and loathing, like I was.
And that goes for everyone I know.  They are all my siblings, and I should treat them just as kindly and respectfully as I do my blood family.  I've changed my whole outlook on how I should act towards others.  When school starts, there will be no more gossip, backbiting, cruel remarks, or arguing.  Regardless of what they have done to me.  He lives for them. God created them. They are each individual sons and daughters of God. God doesn't make mistakes. Jesus loves them to the end. I want everyone to know that. I want everyone to know that our Redeemer lives to wipe away each and everyone's tears. I don't ant anyone to not know that.  How could I live without knowing that? It makes me really want to spread the gospel.

Listening to: "Sail" by AWOLNATION
Things Going On Today: Happy Fourth of July!  I'm probably going to see little Daniel Hale today.
Blessings: VCRs.
Learned: You can resolve to I from ii! 

How I Found Happiness and began the Best Year of My Life -- My Discovery of Christ's Atonement

I'm so thankful to my freshman Bishop, Bishop Armstrong.  Back in 2009, I had some trouble with the notion of repentance.  In response, he challenged me to read and study out of the book Preach My Gospel.  Well, it has been almost four years, and I still haven't completely read it yet.  But I did make the right choice in following the promptings of the Spirit that invited me to begin reading it again in January.  For several weeks, I got up a little earlier than normal and read the scriptures, using Preach My Gospel as a guide.

The cool thing about Preach My Gospel is that it's designed as a tool to help you teach others about the church.  People who have never heard about Jesus Christ of the notion of pre-existence or the idea of baptism need to be informed about these kinds of things in very simple, basic terms.  They can then build from that solid, straightforward foundation and, line upon line, precept upon precept, they can learn more until they have gained a full-blown testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

As I was reading about the Atonement in Preach My Gospel, I came to an astounding and somewhat horrifying discovery: I, myself, did not know very much about the Atonement.  Not enough to teach anyone else about it at least, that's for sure. How could I ever teach someone about something I didn't even remotely understand?  It's true, you can't ever completely understand the Atonement, but I didn't even feel like I understood even the most basic parts of it; mainly, how it applied to me, and to people in general. 

Furthermore, how could I much less have a testimony of something like the Atonement while remaining so ignorant about it?

DO I have a testimony of the Atonement? Suddenly my whole spiritual center was called onto the carpet for questioning.  Alma talks about conversion -- a change of heart -- a receiving of Christ's image in our countenance -- a spiritual rebirth.  Have I truly experienced these things?  Am I truly converted? Do I really have a testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ?  

I've been a member of the church all my life.  For twenty-two years I have worked under the assumption that I was a child of God and that the Gospel was true... but I don't think I ever TRULY believed it in my heart.

So I started doing some research.  I learned a little bit more about what the Atonement actually entailed.  My memory was refreshed about a couple of things, like how the Atonement overcomes both physical AND spiritual death.  I learned that Christ not only suffered for our sins, but also for every other unfairness, struggle, or pain we've ever suffered or will suffer.  He was able to do this because He, Himself was not only capable of doing it (due to the fact that He is God's Only Begotten and he led a perfectly sinless life) but also because he was willing to do it.  The Atonement was indeed a choice.  It did not HAVE to happen.  Christ could have damned us all by being selfish and not finishing the work he was appointed to do.  But he was willing to suffer all of that sin, heartache, and hurt because he loved us.  And, as hard as it is for us as humans to wrap our brains around that kind of love, it is SO IMPORTANT. 

By the time I had to leave for school the morning after reading all of this stuff and coming to all of these epiphanies, I asked myself the following questions:

So if the Atonement is super important and vital to our salvation (which I assume it is), what can I do to actually get it to work in my life?  What must I PHYSICALLY DO to implement the Atonement? How do I use it? 

 I know obedience is part of it.  I know God wants us to show that we care about what the Savior did for us by following His example and obeying His commandments.  Sure. I get that.  But there are people all over the world who do amazing, good things; people who lose themselves in service to others, who keep themselves clean and chaste.  People who are truly sorry when they make mistakes.  People who love the God that they know, without ever hearing about Christ or the Atonement.  People who are good, yet ignorant.  They exist all over the world.  Some die without ever hearing the good news of the Gospel.  Why is it that we so strongly encourage people to hear about it?  Why is it that we send out thousands upon thousands of missionaries every year so that they can tell these ignorant people all about it?  What important missing piece does the Atonement provide in our lives?

WHAT DOES HAVING AN AWARENESS OF CHRIST'S ATONEMENT DO FOR US?

I guess knowing about the Atonement allows us to use it.  But then there's that question, how is it that a person can USE the Atonement?  It's not like a pill you can take or a hat you can put on.  It's not a physical thing as much as it is an eternal, esoteric and ambiguous idea. And it's hard to wholly implicate an idea into your life in a way that yields any tangible, perceivable results.  It's like faith in the fact that you must trust that the Atonement works without seeing or hearing or touching any physical evidence of its working.

This sort of makes me jealous of the Catholics.  They believe in the idea of TRANSUBSTANTIATION. It's a long word that basically references the idea that the Eucharistic emblems of bread and water literally change into the blood and body of the Savior as they are partaken by worthy members of the church.  It's a false doctrine, I know, but it interests me.  The idea that you are actually eating the blood and body of Christ may be wrong and even a little grotesque, but I can understand why people might like to think that the Sacrament works that way.  This idea of making Christ a PHYSICAL PART of us -- of having him be a part of our own physical bodies -- helps us make him a part of our soul.  It makes coming unto Christ seem just a little more possible.  To change something that cannot be physically perceived or handled is a challenge for us, so we seek some way of making our desire to be like Christ as physical of a thing as possible.  We may believe in a physical change, in hopes that the spiritual change may soon follow.

Now it's never as literal as transubstantiation, but I do believe there is some truth in that notion.  Performing a physical act helps the promises we make and the mindsets we adopt seem more REAL.  That may be a reason why God has us perform ordinances like baptism, confirmation, and rituals done in the temple.  Doing something physical helps us remember the spiritual experience better, but I think it also results in a physical change within us.  Change only happens with action.  Again, inertia. We must fight it with movement. Physical transformation. As I have learned about the Gospel of Jesus Christ, I have concluded that Spirit itself has matter.  They say God is light as well as truth. And while truth may not have any physical properties, light does.  Perhaps God manifests his spirit physically through light... Perhaps our spirits within us -- which, incidentally, are in the possession of the Light of Christ -- have physical properties as well.  Perhaps the neurons, cell structures, and molecular foundations of our physical bodies are fueled by this physical spiritual matter.  Perhaps when we talk about being "quickened by the Spirit," we are referring to the way the spirit physically enlivens a human being.

I guess my point here is this: Maybe spiritual things like the Atonement aren't as esoteric and abstract as I initially believed.  But this really is all beside the point.  That discovery was made after the fact -- after I experienced what I experienced on Wednesday, January 9, 2013.  

Nothing earth-shattering happened.  No large miracle took place.  I saw no angel, witnessed no amazing wonder... heck, I didn't even physically hear that still, small voice that people sometimes hear.

It was like everything was the same, but at the same time, everything was different.

I got up from that period of studying about the Atonement. I got dressed and got in my care and drove to school.  I can't remember what I wore, but I know it was black and white... no, it was gray! I remember! I was wearing my new skinny jeans -- gray ones -- that mom gave me for Christmas, as well as a gray-and-black flannel T-shirt... I felt very comfortable. Beautiful, even.  My new short haircyt actually looked like it belonged to me that day.  I walked into Music 305 (first-semester of Western music history), and I felt like smiling at everyone... I sat and listened to Doctor Howard, and every word that came out of his mouth seemed to fascinate and excite me.

I have this bad habit of attaching meaning to everything. I may talk more about this in another post, but I tend to associate simple objects, places, and events with negative experiences that I've had previously with them.  If I watch a movie with a boyfriend and we end up having a bad break-up, I usually can't watch that movie again without feeling sick inside.  But today, it was like the opposite was happening.  Everything around me seemed to remind me of happy things.

The experience reached its climax directly after class was done.  I was sitting in the foyer of the Madsen Recital Hall, reading about chant.  Back in the medieval period, monks would sing a lot of psalms in a chant.  Oftentimes, they end with something called the Lesser Doxology.  Essentially, it's a little tag that is added at the end of the psalm that praises the Trinity ("Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost").  But sometimes the Doxology doesn't quite mesh with a given chant melody; sometimes the modes are different.  So what writers of chant would do is create alternate endings to the doxology so that you could go straight from the Doxology into a new verse of chant.  It all makes lots of sense now, but as I read about it that morning, it didn't make much sense right away. 

But then, after re-reading a few things, thinking about it for a moment, and exerting a little bit of patience, it was suddenly like a lightbulb went off in my head and everything made sense.  There were alternate endings for the doxology to help ease musical motion between chant verses! DUH!

And then, without warning, I found myself crying.  I'm having trouble finding words for what I felt in that moment.  JOY, definitely, but more than just joy.  I remembered, in that moment, where the joy came from.  I found myself saying prayer after thankful prayer to my Heavenly Father. I thanked him for music, for chant, for the class, for the book, for my brain!

And suddenly the world around me changed.


Have you seen these commercials?  There's this allergy medicine called Claritin, and I feel like the commercial for this drug provides a good demonstration for what seemed to happen to me in that moment as I was studying.  Watch and see how the beginning picture is different from the end.  Yes, the invisible strip pulls away and suddenly everything is brighter and more colorful than it was before, but the cool thing is you probably wouldn't have realized that the first part of the commercial really was a little dull and blurry until you saw the drastic difference.  That's kind of how it happened to me.  The world I was looking at before, it was okay.  But when you start seeing things in an eternal perspective, everything GLOWS.  Suddenly everything around me was bearing testimony of Jesus Christ, and I could actually see it.  It's like those little toys you get at McDonalds, where all you see is red dots unless you put it under this screen that makes a picture.  I was finally seeing the picture!  My perspective had changed so that I could get a glimpse of the world the way God sees it. It was like I put on a pair of glasses that makes the entire world clearer and more vibrant.  I didn't even know that the lenses I was using before were that bad!  But now that I had seen this, I could never go back to the old way of looking at things.  Why look through lenses that make things seem dull and unfocused? Lenses of anger, regret, jealousy, or heartbreak -- you'll never see the beauty of things unless we choose to see things in a way that makes them beautiful.


The Atonement makes things Claritin clear. 

I discovered that I had figured out more than simply how to use a lesser doxology. I had figured out how the Atonement can work in my everyday life.  There was the REAL miracle...

Using the atonement involves discovering the deeper meanings behind why we do things.  The deeper meanings behind existence.

Elder Bednar puts it best when he says that the Atonement has enabling power.  Not just healing power.  It doesn't just fix your sins and overcome death.  It makes you capable of DOING THINGS.  I like to think of the Atonement as a TRANSFORMING AGENT that allows those very real, physical transformations to happen.

What can the Atonement transform? Well, it turns something simple like saying you're sorry into something meaningful: Repentance.  And repentance is something that can change the physical nature of your soul.  The Atonement changes something simple like service into something meaningful: Charity. And Charity can change the physical nature of your soul.  It turns marriage into sealing. It turns temporal into eternal. It changes a simple thing like a promise into a covenant.  It turns a seed of faith into a tree of testimony.  It changes belief into perfect knowledge.  It turns trials into blessings. It changes hard hearts into soft ones. It turns happiness into joy. It turns death into life. The Atonement provides reason, meaning, significance, and satisfaction for every experience we have, every thing we learn, and every relationship we develop.

So, with my aptitude for attaching meaning to everything... I, of all people, should be capable of inserting this powerful transforming agent into my everyday life.  All it takes is a little change -- just remembering that amazing Atonement, allowing it to transform that which is ordinary into something EXTRAordinary.

I think that's what conversion is.  Funny. I've been a member of the church all my life and only NOW do I recognize that I have yet to be converted to the Gospel -- to receive this change of heart.

Elder Bednar says something I really like in his talk called "The Atonement and the Journey through Mortality."  He says that Christ has the power to TRANSFORM us (TRANSFORM!) into what we could NEVER have become by ourselves.

I've seen that in my own life! Here I have been working my butt off trying to be happy without involving Christ... I'm working so hard, and all that work will never get me as far as the Atonement will.

But now, here I was, rejoicing in a tiny happy moment while studying. My joy was so full. I never could have imagined being this happy so quickly after such a horrible year of break-ups, abandonment, eating disorder, and depression.  The change was almost immediate.  Just gaining a tiny bit of awareness of what Christ has done for me had immediate, exponential, positive results.  
 
I was happy all day. I was happy all week.  I was happy all month. And I am still happy now, six months later.  I haven't cried, I haven't hurt, I have learned to forgive my enemies, love my neighbor, and rejoice in trials.  And people have noticed.  "You seem to glow, Hannah," a friend of mine told me the other day. "Your sharp edges have softened.  You're not as fearful as I remember you being when I met you."  I have formed closer relationships with people; I don't think I would have made some of the friends I have made if it weren't for this new attitude.   I don't think I would have gotten through some of the new trials I have had to experience this year without this new attitude.  Everything has changed. I am healed, but even more important, I have been enabled by the power of the Atonement.

Now I know why members of the Church are so excited about going on missions. They want other people to feel this same joy that they have felt through gaining an awareness of and using the Atonement.

It is so real.  There is no doubt in my mind that Christ not only loves us, but understands us with complete and perfect empathy.  I testify that God has given us this Gospel to be happy.  It is the Atonement that makes us happy.  We are the ones who choose to use the Atonement, and therefore, we are the ones who in the end determine our own happiness.  I have learned that I can choose to keep this eternal perspective.  It's not about control anymore.  It's not about trying to force the transformation. It's now about trusting. It's about patience. It's about loving what you have.  Feeling peace and joy from the ultimate source, rather than having faith in things that will not make us eternally happy.  I am a new person.  I really am.  I am happy.  I am thankful. I am whole.

It's real. I know it. I love it.

THE LIST

 Alright... I've been putting this off far too long.  I present to you here, in this post, my LIST.  The LIST of attributes I pursue when selecting men whom I feel would make excellent and compatible eternal spouses.  Every girl has one; I'm no exception.  In truth, I delight in designing the "perfect man" that may only ever exist in my fantasies, simply because at this point of single-ness in my life, if you're gonna dream, dream big.

As you look at this LIST, you'll notice that I have encapsulated everything I want in a man into nine very broad categories.  I include some specific applications within each category, but the root qualities that I desire are in no way specific or particular.  The reason why I do this is tied to what induced me to share this list in the first place.  The other day, I had a conversation with some friends at a bridal shower.  We got to discussing a certain apartment-full of bachelors and discovered that each of them possessed a distinct likable quality.  If all four of these qualities -- brains, brawn, endearing charm, and dashing good looks -- could be combined into one person... Aw, man, the guy would be superman!  Every girl's dream!  But, sadly, God doesn't allow for such flawless gems to roam the earth.  There is no Mr. Perfect.  Everyone has weaknesses and flaws.  And that's the attitude I'm trying to approach this LIST with.  This LIST is in no way a LIST of dealbreakers.  Sure, there are a few things I won't compromise for, but in regards to "type," I consider myself pretty open in terms of looks, tastes, careers, and other details.  I've liked blondes, brunettes, redheads (OMG Jake Gamauf).  I've liked them tall, I've liked them short.  I've liked them young (three or four years younger), I've liked them old (I've piqued at age 52).  I've liked Asians, Blacks, and Mexicans.  I've pursued men from every lifestyle... potheads, closet-gays, college grads, musicians, military men, hippies, self-proclaimed vampires, twins, returned missionaries, current missionaries, ex-missionaries, college professors, long-lost cousins, bishops' sons, high-school dropouts, institute teachers, the list goes on. I consider almost every single man I meet to be an opportunity for a worthwhile relationship.
You can call me desperate, but I prefer the term open-minded.  I shouldn't put all my eggs in one basket.  Truth is I change my mind about what I like frequently.  Matter of fact, I'm sure this LIST changes on a daily basis based on my mood and the men who are particularly present in my life.  If anyone reading this has kept track of my love life, the man described in this LIST may seriously resemble some specific men I have known (or do know) in my life.  That's no coincidence. The more men I meet, the more solid my standard becomes based on what is realistically available, but the standard is far from set. As I meet people and as I date, I learn about what I like and my expectations change.   I'm not flaky.  Just fluid.  Flexible.

You may be laughing by now.  I understand why.  But please understand, parts of this LIST are very serious.  I really do care about the man I eventually select for a husband, and while I joke about the prospect, I do believe that when the time comes, my decision will be made with much prayer and fasting.  And when I make that decision, I'll make it for good.  In my opinion, there's no going back on eternity.  I'll live with the choice I make and I won't flake out with some stupid divorce.  In making such an eternal decision, I know the Spirit is the best tool for making the right choice, and I say that its affirmative prompting will trump any other requirements on this LIST.

So without further ado, here it is:

THE LIST

1. Passion -- I'd like the man I marry to have a passion for at least one thing in his life.  Something he really cares about.  It doesn't have to be big; it doesn't have to be something I'm passionate about, but it has to be something. And he needs to have a desire to share his feelings with others.  Whether it be a soft spot for old black-and-white films, a love of cycling, a rock collection, a sincere devotion to the gospel, or maybe just an obsession with a sports team, I want to know that my husband is capable of feeling for something, allowing something outside of himself to affect his emotions and behaviors.  It's something I can relate with -- me and my crazy Gaga, gummi-loving self -- and it's something that further ensures that the man will continue to have a passion for me.

2.  Spirituality -- The man I marry must -- must -- have a sound relationship with his Father in Heaven.  And this relationship must be something I can at least somewhat understand.  In my book, that means the relationship must be founded on the doctrines and principles taught by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I want a man who believes he's a son of God with a divine purpose and destiny.  I want him to know that he has a responsibility as a priesthood holder in the church.  I want a man who prays often.  A man who receives revelation for himself and his family.  A man who reads scriptures, talks about them, bears his testimony, fulfills his calling.  A man who goes out of his way to do what God asks him to do, even if it's unpopular or difficult.  In short, I want a man who is "steadfast and immovable, always abounding in good works." 

3.  Family first -- The man I marry must have family as a priority in his life.  This is yet another reason why I wish to marry within the church.  The man I marry will want to marry for eternity, and that can only be done in the temples of God.  I will marry a man who lives up to his covenants so that he will remain worthy to live with his family forever.  

In everyday life, I want a man who will make sacrifices for his wife and children.  He'll put his own needs on hold to spend time with his kids and be a father in the best way he can.  The man I marry will want children, but he doesn't have to be a "kid person."  I'm not looking for a guy who's "good with children."  In my opinion, that quality is not a trustworthy one in measuring a man's capabilities as a father.  Just because you're good with kids doesn't mean you'll be a great dad.  Kids don't stay kids forever, and I'd like a man who will remain a loving and caring father to his children for always, even in adulthood. He just needs to love them.  Besides, I'm no good with kids at all, and it doesn't feel right to expect more out of my husband than I can give myself.  We can endure the child-bearing process together.    

He'll be a man who calls his mother and father often; a man on good terms with his siblings; a man who respects his in-laws.  He may not be perfect in expressing his love for his family, but as long as the desire is there, that satisfies me.  

4. Respect -- In regards to how the man I marry will treat his wife, there are two words that I will use in describing my expectations:  Trust and respect.  I believe love -- true, pure love -- must contain both trust and respect.  In a way, respect and trust go hand in hand.  In a respectful relationship, trust is fostered and love grows.  

Respect is vital when it comes to communicating needs, establishing expectations, and making decisions as a couple.  I hope to feel confident in freely communicating with my spouse, knowing that even if he doesn't agree with everything I say, he will at least try to understand me and take what I say seriously.  If there are needs that I have, he will respect them.  If I need to talk, he'll let me talk.  If I need time alone, he'll give it to me. If I don't have time for dishes, he'll try to make time to do them so that I don't have to. If I need a new pair of shoes, he will abstain from just saying no and try to figure out why I need them before placing a judgement on my materialism and foolishness.  And if he can't find a good reason, he'll tell me in as respectful of a way possible that I'm an idiot for wanting such a silly thing and that I need to wait a few paychecks before splurging it on footwear.  And after the constructive criticism, he'll tell me he loves me and the marriage will continue without grudge or bitterness. There won't be yelling or name-calling or backbiting; there will be open, respectful communication.  A couple can disagree all it wants as long as respect is shown when disagreements do come up.  Respect is the fastest route to solving problems.  

5. Trust -- Trust is invaluable in a relationship like a marriage where everything is shared.  When my husband says he will do something, I want to have confidence that he will do it.  I want to be able to trust him with my children, my money, my loyalty, my secrets, my insecurities.  If I'm going to give my everything to a person, I must be able to trust him. I must be able to trust him when he tells me that he's not sleeping around with short-skirted coworkers, or that he's not gambling away our nest egg at the local casino.  I need to trust him when he tells me I shouldn't be so stern with the kids.  I need to trust him when he tells me not to go out and buy that cashmere pantsuit.  I need to trust him when he tells me not to fiddle around with the newly-installed anti-virus software,  because he knows I won't be able to figure it out without erasing the whole hard drive.  I need to trust him when he says I sound like a dying cat when I sing along to Celine Dion.  I care so much about this concept.  If I can trust my husband, I will be confident that he will do nothing to intentionally hurt me.

6.  Patience -- coupled with the values of trust and respect, I must include a caveat.  I understand that no one is perfect.  No one can be completely flawless in showing love and respect at all times.  There will be moments when the environment of the home is not as loving as it could be.  But I trust that, nine times out of ten, the source of the contention will not be my husband.  It will be me.  That in mind, I hope that my husband understands that I am far from perfect.  I hope he'll forgive me if I don't show him the trust and respect he deserves.  If I walk out of the room kicking and screaming, hopefully my husband will understand that it's probably my time of month and that I'll be completely fine in just a few minutes (because I will be...).  If I'm not as neat as he likes, hopefully my husband will forgive me and trust me when I say I'm doing the best I can.  I hope he treats our children the same way.  Even in situations that aren't directly pertaining to my idiocy, I hope I find a man who knows that good things come to those who wait.  He won't do brash things on impulse.  Instead, he'll save and invest some time and work into things that will be more lasting and beneficial in the future.  Thriftiness is an aspect of patience that I would love to see in a husband.  Patience is a virtue I greatly desire in a man.  It's a Christlike virtue.  

7.  A Desire to Learn -- I'd hate to say that I must have a scholar for a husband, but I want a man who has a hunger for learning and education.  I'd like him to be well-read, have a high vocabulary, and enjoy conversations about subjects that involve a lot of thinking and understanding.  I'd like him to enjoy researching new topics.  I want him to not shirk away from learning how to fix a lawn mower or making an educated decision in who to vote for in an election.    I want his mind to be open to different cultures, customs, and languages.  I want him to like crossword puzzles, help kids with their math, and use good grammar.  I want him to appreciate puns and experiment with new recipes. Almost needless to say, but I expect my husband to have earned a sound college degree and to be knowledgeable about a particular line of work that helps him be successful in employment. I couldn't care less what career he had, but I just want him to continue to progress in whatever field he chooses.  I hope my husband will share his vast stores of knowledge with me.  I want to learn from him.  Not just secular things, but spiritual and social lessons as well.  I just want a smart guy.  

8.  Appreciation of Music --  This should be a given.  After all, if I'm going to be a music teacher, I'm going to need a man who understands and appreciates music.  He doesn't need to be proficient, but it would be nice if he played an instrument or sang a killer tenor line.  If he read music, we could practice and play together in sacrament meeting or teach our kids how to appreciate learning a musical skill.  However, if he lacks musical talent altogether, that's okay. He just needs to tolerate my incessant vibrato and my love of contemporary minimalist phenomenons like George Crumb and Philip Glass, as well as my obsession with a capella jazz and Gaelic folk music.  It would also be nice if he were knowledgeable of popular music as well.  I listen to a lot of Lady Gaga, P!nk, Taio Cruz, Disturbed, Rascal Flatts, Rob Thomas, MGMT...  I'd like to be able to listen to my ipod on random without any incessant complaining from the adjoining room, thank you very much.  Bottom line:  I want a musical family, and my husband must be okay with this.  

9.  Spontaneity --  While there are a lot of things in life that require a lot of thought and preparation, some of the best things in life come in the moment.  I'd like a man who milks life for all it's worth and who uses his free time in a sort of "in-the-moment" kind of way.  I'd like a man who appreciates the little things in life.  A good song on the radio, pancakes for dinner, a deep conversation with a ward member, a fun checkered bowtie, playing in the sprinklers, lying in a field, elevator make-outs, stupid youtube videos, walks in the rain, a game of scrabble, a date to the movies, smelling cologne samples, celebrating national talk-like-a-pirate day, a new sex position, a pet fish, chocolate parties with neighbors, a trip to the temple, planting some bean seeds in Styrofoam cups on the windowsill, writing letters, salsa dancing, diaper changing, gummi worms, weekend road trips, hand-made gifts...  I hope my husband won't take himself too seriously to forget that there's more to living than just sleep and work.  There's a whole slew of adventures we could experience together, and some are right in front of us.  I want to share these little moments with my husband.  That, I think, will be the sweetest part of our marriage. 

Listening to:  "You" by Amy Lee

Things Going on Today:  Lots of Arrested Development

Learned:  How to play Words with Friends

Blessings:  Men.  In general.  

Service Story

Yesterday at about ten o'clock in the morning, my house gets a call from an 801-number.  When I answer the phone, I hear a young man's nervous voice on the other end saying, "Hey, is this Bishop Johnson's residence?  Your church meets at one o'clock, right?"  I answer in the affirmative, and then he says, "Well, I'm at the Mall of America, visiting for the day.  Do you know the best way to get down to your chapel from here?"
By then I hand my mom the phone, knowing nothing about Minnesota transportation myself.  Mom didn't have much more to say either.  "That's far beyond our ward boundaries.  I don't think there's anyone who could give you a ride.  I'm sorry."
Later, after attending a stunning sacrament meeting, I walked into my Sunday School room and sat next to a boy I did not recognize. Sister Duncan, our Sunday School teacher, walked up and introduced herself to him, as she does with all the visitors.  He said his name was Brett, and he's visiting from Orem on a band trip.
"Are you the guy who called us this morning?" My mom turned and intruded on their introductions.
"Yeah," he said.  "Sorry about that..."
"No, it's fine."  She continued, "How did you get here??"
"Took a taxi."
A taxi?  Wow.  This guy really wanted to get to church.  For some reason, I recognized him.  I didn't know why.  But I had seen him somewhere before.  Right before the lesson started, I asked where he went to school.  He said BYU.  Then, without asking him anything, I just assumed he was a music ed major.  I don't know what planted that idea into my head.  Maybe I had seen him at the HFAC preparing for a choral conducting test.  Or maybe it was just the way he carried himself.  Or maybe I just made a wild guess.  But for some reason or another, I knew that he and I had the same major.  So later, when I had the chance, I asked him what he was studying.  "Music education, instrumental emphasis."  It cheered me to hear this.

Well my mom, being the bishop's wife, of course invited him and his younger brother over for dinner.  I was willing to drive them out to the Mall of America, since I had to visit a friend out in Mendota Heights anyway.  They played our piano and sang with us, and we had spirited conversation at the dinner table.  Within a few hours, we already seemed like good friends.  I promised I'd try to find Brett somewhere when I went back out to BYU, and when he went on his mission, I'd keep in touch.  He's a nice guy.

But the punch line here is that they paid 30 dollars -- THIRTY. DOLLARS. -- to pay for a taxi ride down to the Burnsville meetinghouse.  Thirty dollars just to go to church.  Man alive.  That's some serious commitment.  But with that thirty dollars, they also got a free home-cooked meal and they made some new friends, thanks to my mother.  Moral of the story:  Keep your eye open for people like Brett and his brother.  Often you will have more in common than you think.  Never skip out on a service opportunity.  It's a chance to make a friend.

Listening to:  Nothing
Things Going On Today:  Not sure.  It's Monday. I have two days left in Minnesota.  I probably should start gathering up my clothes and stuff...
Blessings:  A mom who cooks.  Old friends.
Learned:  There are four instances mentioned in the New Testament of Jesus visiting his disciples after his resurrection.

The Bona Fide Bride Guide

Breaking News...

My roommate got engaged this week.
And then another friend of mine got married yesterday.
A lot of people in my life are finding their soul mates these days...

My soon-to-be-roommate Courtney claims to have a curse put on her where all of her friends get married within months of knowing her.  I've seen evidence of this. Within a few short weeks of knowing my roommate Chantelle, Courtney was witness to her engagement and was even present at their recent sealing.  Courtney has countless other stories that follow a similar vein.  While BYU is already a hot place for many to find a spouse, Courtney seems particularly prone to falling into peoples' lives at the cusp of their matrimonial fulfillment.  It's odd.

Despite her curse, I have yet to find myself a suitable match for marriage since I have known Courtney, and it's been almost a year.  This fact leads me to believe that I have successfully avoided the marriage curse.  However, in circumventing the eminent engagement that should have happened due to the curse, I'm afraid I picked up the curse myself.  Now it seems like everyone I know is getting married.

Or at least getting boyfriends.  My roommate Sammie is a prime example.  She found her boyfriend behind the counter at Taco Bell.  We -- that is, Courtney, Sammie and I -- went on a spontaneous adventure to that haven of precious non-wheat goodness (Courtney's top restaurant criteria) and Sammie was drawn to the friendliness of the boy behind the counter, whose plastic nametag donned the title ANDREW.  After a brief exchange while waiting for our nachos to be prepared, Sammie decided she'd give him her number and ask him out sometime.  As we left the Taco Bell, she lingered behind to talk to Andrew and... Welp.  The rest is history.  This guy behind Taco Bell happened to be exactly what Sammie wanted.  Wouldn't be surprised if they got hitched someday.

Then there's my former roommate Amoray, who was engaged already when I moved in to Omni 172 with her.  She had a splendid reception last month, and is now a happy newlywed with her spouse Nathan.  My final roommate, Alicia, was the one who just got engaged this week to her boyfriend Josh.  And then there's Esther and HER Nathan, due to get married at the end of August.  (YIKES that's not that far away....)  And my friend Jason just tied the knot.  And my coworker, Jen, should be engaged any day now, I think.  All over the place, new connections have been formed between people I've known for years, but never imagined that they'd one day find each other and decide to spend the rest of their lives with each other.  It's a little cray-cray.

Of course, Courtney also has pretty decent contact with most of the people I know at BYU, so maybe she is the one responsible for all the marriages and I'm just a victim by association.  But maybe that's just the way BYU is wherever you go.  Curse or no curse, people get married all the time.  It's a fact of life.

Time has played a nasty trick on me.  One minute, I'm in High School and marriage is this dim light in the distance within a dark tunnel.  Suddenly now it's this freak show of neon and sparkles that's RIGHT ON TOP OF ME and I feel like at a marriage-rave or something.  And I, of course, feel pressured to join in this drug-trip that's called love and find myself a dance partner who is equally high on the idea of eternal companionship.  And I know that one day the climax of this trip will be fully realized in a white dress and lots of flowers.

But the catch is that all this crazy love-drug stuff I see now is gonna change again someday into this glowing candle flame that -- while useful, beautiful, and powerful -- needs to be protected and fueled by hard work and patience. Marriage, contrary to popular (Mormon) belief, isn't the answer to all of life's problems.  It's not just a day-long thing. It's forever.  Or at least a lifetime. I need to be careful not to get too carried away with all the schmaltz and glamour of weddings.

Yeah, I dream.  I literally have dreamed about my proposal hundreds of times.  In my dreams, it's taken place everywhere from a romantic garden, to a stage in front of thousands of people, to my bathroom.  Yes, I do wonder what my dress is gonna be like and what my colors are gonna be and who's all going to be there and where it's gonna take place.  Amoray has told me that it's never too early to start preparing, and I agree.  Discovering your options isn't a bad thing. Asking for feedback and exploring what's out there is definitely good.  But what I must keep in mind is the fact that marriage -- eternal marriage, especially -- is not about the wedding day, but about the years, decades, centuries, millenia that come afterwards.

Moral of the story:  There's no hurry into eternity.  It's better to wait and buy yourself a lasting, durable survival candle than a dinky multi-colored kid's flashlight -- even when it is on sale at the front of the store for a buck-and-a-half.  For marriage, it's better to get the 100-watt, long-lasting bulb than one of them flashy disco lights with all the spinning colors.  Those things last like five minutes, and you can't even see what you're doing in the meantime!  Forgive all these stupid luminescent analogies, but marriage needs to provide the light that makes things clearer, not more confusing.  So don't jump to grab the first shiny thing you see.  Don't marry for the sake of marriage.  Marry because you love someone, and he loves you back.

I congratulate all of my married/engaged friends who have recently found new lights for their lives. I don't mind the Courtney Curse.  I like watching people I love find happiness in their lives through the greatest form of companionship. I'm sure they have made good decisions and have been guided by the Spirit of the Lord -- that ultimate source of light -- that the decision they are making is the right one.  They have a wonderful time ahead of them.  Marriage is great.  It's my ultimate goal.  But while they have been offered that wonderful blessing, I haven't yet.  I haven't found that special someone to share my life with.  I've had opportunities, but the Spirit hasn't given me the go-ahead yet.  But I really don't adopt that always-the-bridesmaid attitude some single girls embrace. Being single doesn't mean God loves me less.  It just means I need more time to learn some things about life and about myself.  Young single life is a great opportunity and, let's be honest, it doesn't last forever.  So in the meantime, I'll reap the benefits of my curse by attending lots of receptions and eating lots of cake.  Being single never tasted so sweet.


Listening to:  "Sweet Spirit" from the Sons of Provo Soundtrack.  (Trust me, I'm not listening to this song for any particular reason related to the topic of marriage. It just happens to be on my Sunday playlist and it just came on...)
Things Going on Today:  I visit Polly, my last Sunday here in Minnesota for a long time, I reckon.
Blessings:  Marriage, wedding receptions, old friends.
Today I learned:  Well it's morning, so I'll tell you what I learned yesterday...  The songs "Tonight Tonight" by Hot Chelle Rae and "Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus have the same chord progressions.

Luck be a Lady...

So something really weird has happened in my life.  My application for the school of music got lost.  Yup.  The faculty LOST my application.  They remember me from interviews, told me that they viewed me very positively, but they can't find my paperwork.  They are humiliated.  I am irritated, but no more than I am amused at just how odd this coincidence is.  I gotta say, I've had a really weird past couple of years.  Stuff has happened to me that I can safely say doesn't happen to most people.  Think about it... who else can say they got their patriarchal blessing twice because it didn't record?  Who else can say they got put in the same apartment as their closest cousin without any work on their own part?  Who else can say that the one man they truly loved got dishonorably sent home from a mission?
Sometimes I wonder why God would do this to me.  Why would He make my life so surreal at times?  Doesn't he know this is hard to deal with?  I have to face problems that no one else ever has to face, so it's hard to seek advice and it's hard to find people who really understand me. And then, of course, there's that age-old question "Why me?" which seems to fit better for my circumstances than it does for most.  Why me?  Why am I the one who doesn't know how to shut up and who's hair just can't get glossy shine I've always wanted?  Why am I the one who gets straight A's, but still can't get into the program I want?  Why am I the one who falls in love with the guy who just won't ever love me back?  These things that happen to me, they're like miracles, except they're sort of sick and twisted.  I'm the one in a million.  I'm the exception to the rule.  Why, God?  Why me?
Well I've figured it out:  God's teaching me patience and endurance.  He understands me so well.  He knows I like to have control over things.  I like to have a plan, a pattern.  I'm a logical thinker, and he knows that if things aren't logical, I panic.  I freak out over the smallest things that go wrong, and I'm always blaming myself for when bad things happen.  So what I gotta learn is that there are things that happen in this life that are completely outside of my control.  I cannot do anything about them.  They just happen because the world is a chaotic place, full of uncertainty, entropy, and mistakes.  They happen.  And I gotta deal.  So I guess the real test here is how I'm gonna endure these one-in-a-million miracles I live through.  Am I just gonna sit here whining "Why me," or am I gonna grin and bear it?  Today I choose to do the latter.  So what, Doc Broomhead?  So what if you lost my application?  No matter what happens -- if you find it or not, if I get accepted or not -- I'll just try out again if I have to, and this time you WILL NOT forget about me.  No, I am not often the one that is left forgotten.
Moral of the story:  I should play in the lottery.  Odds are I'll win.

Listening to:  Nothing
Things going On Today:  Emily sings the breakfast song at Velour, yet another DTR, and some good chinese food.
Blessings:  Snain... or is it row?  That snowy-rainy stuff that doesn't stick to the sidewalks.

Sheepie...

‘Twas a sheep not a lamb that went astray

In the parable Jesus told.

‘Twas a grown sheep that wandered away

From the ninety and nine in the fold.

And out on the hilltop, and out in the cold,

‘Twas a sheep the Good Shepherd sought.

Back to the fold and back to the flock,

‘Twas a sheep that the Good Shepherd brought.

Now, why should the sheep be so carefully fed

And cared for even to-day?

Because there is danger if they go wrong,

They will lead the lambs astray.

The lambs will follow the sheep, you know,

Where’er they wander–where’er they go.

If the sheep goes wrong, it will not be long

Till the lambs are as wrong as they.

So still with the sheep we must earnestly plead,

For the sake of the lambs to-day.

If the lambs are lost, what a terrible cost

The sheep will have to pay!

Listening to:  Cecil O. Samuelson!!  He's on the TV!!  In General Conferences!!  It's surreal...

Things Going On Today:  Obviously, General Conference.  Also a very informal potluck in between sessions.

Blessings:  A prophet, a testimony, and the atonement.