Getting Integrated (or, The Main Reason Why I Am Still Single)

They say that when you marry someone, you're also marrying his/her family.

I fought this saying for a long time.  I always thought that if you loved each other enough, there should be nothing -- not rain, not snow, not your future mother-in-law -- that could stop you from being together.  Yeah, family reunions may be a little unpleasant, but they don't last forever and you hardly ever have to interact with your spouse's family outside of that, so what's the big deal?

But after watching several of my dear friends tie the knot, I have come to understand how true such an adage is.  Couples' families have a huge influence over the couple.  Families-in-law will forever be a driving force in your joint decision-making as a married unit.  Odds are you'll see them far more often than just during weddings and funerals.  And your potential spouse will surely hold his or her family as a high priority and hope that you will get along with them.  I know I feel that way; I usually don't let a guy get to relationship status without getting the go-ahead from my sister, first.

A lot of us have a "meet-the-parents" story of one kind or another.  I, myself, haven't had many experiences with a boyfriend's parents, but the ones I have had... Well, they haven't been great.  And in all these instances, my relationship with the man's family foreshadowed the ultimate fate of the relationship I had with the man.   My first 'official' boyfriend had a mother who thought that I was some temptress who had come to kidnap her son and whisk him away into a Gaga-loving Babylon.  The second time I 'met the parents,' was a similar story.  (It's funny.  When you meet a guy's parents, you suddenly realize exactly why he has the quirks that he has.  But I can discuss that at a later date.)

It's always going to be awkward.  Always.

And the one and only time I introduced a boy to my mom and dad?  I shudder at the memory.

Yes, family is important.  But there's another important group of people you need to consider when discussing a long-term relationship, and that is the very loosely-defined group of people known as "the friends."

You know what I mean when I say "friends." Those people you -- as a college student living away from home -- spend the most time with.  As a girl, you may have your girlfriends, just as a guy may have his bros. They often are your roommates or coworkers.  Perhaps they're people who share your major and who share similar class schedules and interests.  Sometimes it's a ward group.  Or, if you're lucky, they can be this group of friends you've known since you were kids.  People who grew up with you.  People you would expect to see cheering you on at your wedding.  After all, you were there for theirs.

When I think of a close group of friends, I first think of the five protagonists from the hit TV series How I Met Your Mother.  Ted, Marshall, Lily, Robin, and Barney.  Always doing things together.  Dating each other.  Meeting at the same bar year after year.  They know everything about each other, share common experiences, and are there for each other when things go wrong. While it does seem a little contrived, most of us can relate to this kind of thing.  Lots of us have a "best friend" like Marshall.  Many of us have a "pet married couple" like Marshall and Lily, who may act as our surrogate parents from time to time while we're away from home.  And, let's face it, most friend groups have a Barney Stinson -- the one whack-job in the group who seems like he wouldn't fit, but somehow does.  Although our circumstances change, time and experience have helped us understand that true friendships transcend petty differences and difficult conflicts.

Ted, Marshall, Lily, Robin, and Barney... They know everything about each other, share common experiences, and are there for each other when things go wrong. 

If I were to meet Ted at the supermarket (or at a wedding, or while trying to remove a tattoo, or perhaps as I was protesting against one of his architectural endeavors...), I would feel more fear in meeting his four closest friends than in meeting his mother or his father.  In some ways, it is more challenging to inundate yourself into another's group of friends than it is to inundate yourself into a person's family.  Sure, family's where you come from and where you always find yourself going back.  But friends?  That's where you choose to spend all the rest of your time.  These are the people you WANT to be with, not just the people you're born with.  These are the people you share interests with, the people you purposely develop deeper relations with, people you learn from.  While you're out in college, your friends become your second family.

And, unlike a person's real family, the friends are there from the beginning.  Rarely do we ever think of introducing a guy or girl to our parents on the first date.  Even if I wanted them to meet, it's pretty difficult to ever introduce a guy to mom and dad, since they live so far away.  I've hardly been in a relationship for enough time for that to even be an issue.  In the meantime, though, most people have this "second family" that they grow super close to, and you meet them right away.  You may not have to schmooze mom and dad immediately, but you may need to get past the BFFs on the very first date.

Often, you are faced with the super important ritual known as meeting the roommates.  Not only does it give a person the chance to see how a date responds to meeting these new people, but it also can be very revealing to hear what the roommates think of the guy you just brought home.  Do they like him?  Do they seem to get along?  I can't tell you how many times I've closed the door after a date, only to immediately turn to my roommates and say, "Well, what do you think?  Thumbs up or thumbs down?"  Their poor opinion may not be the dealbreaker, but it could definitely weaken your relationship.

Meeting the roommates:  Their poor opinion may not be the dealbreaker, but it could definitely weaken your relationship.

And even if you pass the initial go-ahead, you're then faced with the next step: initiation. Now this step can be bypassed if your new friend already is a part of your social group. It's nice to date someone who has already spent plenty of time with your friends and he's already comfortable with you as part of a group of other close compatriots. It's convenient when that happens. The transition from 'friend' to 'boyfriend' is a lot more calm when he's already a part of your life and your friend group.

But what if you met the guy online, or on the street, or at the gym?  You have almost nothing in common with him, socially speaking.  You come from separate worlds.  He rock-climbs and hikes, you make music and see plays.  If the personalities aren't right, these separate worlds could collide in a catastrophic explosion.  Or it could at least lead to a super awkward experience, and early on, such awkward experiences can break down the relationship completely.  You don't want your relationship to begin on too wrong of a note, or else it will end before it starts!

How hard is it to meet the Best Friend?  Boyfriend may be super excited to introduce you to him, but don't you still feel the need to dress just a little nicer and act just a little cooler?  After all, this is your boyfriend's Best Friend.  Anyone who's best friends with your dream guy oughta be super cool and super important, right?  His opinion must be super important, right?  And what if BestFriend doesn't give you the seal of approval?  Depending on how much time Boyfriend spends with BestFriend, you may be in for a rough time.

And it's even worse when there's a group of Best Friends, like in How I Met Your Mother.  When you meet a new group of people, seldom is someone going to bother filling you in on the inside jokes that they all share, their past experiences, or the traditions they hold. You are the random stranger, surrounded by people you don't know, and you have to share the attention of the one person you have any attachment to with all of these other folks. And perhaps your mere presence puts a damper on things for them? Perhaps you are the rain on the parade that is BestFriend tradition.   You show up on the hiking trip, you appear in all the mission reunion photos, you tag along to the movies... Cool as you are, you can't change the fact that you're someone new.  Different.  You're the stranger.  The buzzkill.  The newbie.  Yuck.

When you meet a new group of people, seldom is someone going to bother filling you in on the inside okes that they all share, their past experiences, or the traditions they hold. 

Even when you do things alone, there's still pressure to have a mutual friend group to talk about.  It's hard to talk about a funny thing that happened at work when your beau has never met your coworkers.  It's hard for him to talk about his band when you've never met his bandmates.  We are social animals.  We thrive in environments where we can make connections and form further relationships.  You can only spend so much time on formal, one-on-one dates.  If you ever want to marry someone, you need to meld your entire life with someone else's entire life.  This stranger to your world needs to become an established regular.  An integrated part of your social life.  Getting to that point is very challenging.

In my own situation, I find that this whole issue concerning social integration is the primary factor that has come between me and a successful relationship.  You can trace most of my problems back to the fact that I have very few close friends. I consider myself an unestablished socialite.  My personality does not cater to having a posse or a clique or a cohort that I always do things with. I spread myself thin; I have lots of friends, but few of them are really close. There's no automatic list of people I would call to go get Denny's with on a weekend.  My friendships are more the kind where I can easily say "hi" to someone I recognize if our paths happen to cross.  I get invited to things on occasion, and while I am an extrovert who can adapt to these kinds of situations pretty easily, I do recognize that I am different and I don't immediately click with lots of people.  In such an in-transit environment as a college campus, getting to know a group of people well enough to have them be a major part of my life is hard for a girl like me.  One-on-one, I'm great.  Get me with a group, and I detach myself.  So rather than having this group of people that I always do things with, I have a smattering of individual friendships that I do one-on-one activities with on occasion.  I don't dislike this lifestyle.  It makes for an awesome formal dating experience.  One-on-one planned activities with the purpose of getting to know someone better?  I shine in that environment.  It's just that next step that I have trouble with.

So that's the first thing going against me: My social temperament. But let's not assume that I am incapable of surpassing my normal disposition and creating close bonds with groups of people.  I have had 'cliques' in the past.  My old roommates were one, and my former coworkers were another.  But then my roommates moved out and I quit my job... And now I live in the basement of my grandparents' house.  I live in a scattered ward, working as a junior high school teacher and personal research assistant to a professor.  The only people I come in contact with these days are my pre-teen students, my married mentor teacher, my grandma, and my professors.  So much for having a common social circle with my potential eternal companion! Heck, it's hard enough to find guys to simply go on dates with, let alone find a relationship.  And when someone special does show up in my ward or wherever, he's usually so well established in some other social group, and a hermit like me can hardly get her foot in the door.

Let's not assume that I'm incapable of surpassing my normal disposition... I have had cliques in the past.  My old roommates were one.

I am willing to share that I, myself, have been hit with the words, "I just don't think you'd get along with my friends, Hannah.  And that's really important to me.  Sorry. We're through."  But I don't think a guy needs to actually say that in order for me to feel the social pressure of having to win the hearts of not only the guys I'm interested in, but also of their friends.  Yes, it's a frustrating thing, knowing that most of the men I interact with have totally separate lives from me and, thus, the cards are stacked against me.

I guess that's why I'm still single.  I haven't figured out this whole "meet-the-friends" thing yet.

 But I'm discovering the solution...

All this being said, here are some things you need to be successful in dating.  Mind you, this is not a comprehensive list, but it may contain a few things that you may not initially think of, or it may put a new spin on some of the common things you hear as a single adult all the time.

1.  Do stuff.  Get out there and find a hobby that you can share with others.  Climb rocks, make music, join an opera, play tennis, go to institute, take a dance class, join a dinner group, start a game night, go to Home Evening, attend the extra seminars...  Be social.  You've probably heard this advice before, and you're always given the same reason for it:  You can't meet your future companion if you never put yourself in a position to meet someone.  And yeah, that's a valid argument.  But there's more.  I also think it's important for people to have a social group.  They don't need to be your eventual bridesmaids or the godparents for your future children, but it's healthy to have a group of people that you have things in common with.  You'll improve your social skills, you have a non-family support group, and -- of course -- you'll have fun.  Yes, you can have fun when you're single.  Fun exists outside of marriage.
2.  Group date.  If you're a nonestablished socialite like me, group dating provides a social outlet that you don't achieve in other group settings.  Double dates are nice; they're still small enough to be intimate.  They give you a chance to see how your date operates in a group, and your date can see how you operate in a group.  And suddenly you've created a mutual friend base that both of you have in common.  Total win.

Group dating provides a social outlet that you don't achieve in other group settings.

3.  Hopefully this essay will help you realize that meeting the friends can be an awkward thing for your date.  There are ways to make it easier.  Don't put a ton of pressure on it.  Bring your new friend into the group.  Make some formal introductions, and then continue to make informal introductions.  It's so nice to have a date who is willing to go the extra mile to make me feel comfortable with his friends.  And it's very encouraging when I end up making a few new friends in the whole dating process.
4.  Remember:  Life is about forming positive relationships with lots of different people.  It's not all about just finding that ONE person you're going to spend the rest of your life with.  If and when you do find that special someone, it doesn't mean you can completely forget about the other relationships that helped you get to that point.  Yes, marriage is a priority, but brotherly love, service to those around you, and learning from others is also an important part in this life journey.
Furthermore, if you never get out there and start forming good friendships, you'll never get the chance to meet the notorious "friend-of-a-friend."  I met my last boyfriend at a mutual friend's music show at a club.  I had no intention of meeting a companion when I went, but we were introduced and things moved quickly forward from there.  I never would have met him, had I not been a supportive friend already.  The more people you know, the more you're able to network.  That can help your romantic life as well as your career.
5.  Find out about yourself, what you want, and what your goals are.  I never could have written this a year ago.  That was before I realized what kind of a person I was in groups, how I interacted with people one-on-one, and what my interests were in a future companion.  Since then, I have discovered that I'm an extrovert with interesting hobbies and a bold, colorful personality that caters well to certain other personalities.  The moment I figured stuff like this out, I suddenly became more confident with other people, and I started picking guys that were better for me within social groups where I was already comfortable.  Since I am a musician, I take advantage of interactions I have with other musicians.  I make the conscious choice to expand upon my relationships with women and men who are interested in post-graduate education, like myself.  In a spiritual sense, I am better able to "separate the wheat from the tares" in dating when I am truly confident in my end goal: to marry for eternity in the Lord's Holy Temple.  When you know who you are and what your true desires are, you more quickly find those things you desire.  Remember your goals.  Remember who you are.

Remember your goals.  Remember who you are.

6.  Speaking of picking, it's totally okay to consider the friends as you're making decisions about a relationship.  I do not look down on the guy who rejects me because of how I get along with his friends.  Your friends are important, just like family is important.  It's good to give people a chance, but if you know that integrating a certain kind of person will cause excessive conflict and stress on you and your social group, maybe it's a good idea to search for your companion elsewhere. This is especially true when it comes to spiritual things.  If your date's buddies don't keep the same standards that you do, there is a perfectly legitimate reason to hit pause and re-evaluate.  Everyone is different, and there will usually be conflict of some kind, but there is a line.  Find it, and don't cross it.
7.  If you don't have a How-I-Met-Your-Mother group, don't try to get one.  You can't force a friend group like that, and they are not necessary for finding happiness in your social life.  They emerge on their own, if you are patient and if you are genuine and trustworthy.  I found that the moment I stopped trying to form a posse, people felt a lot more comfortable around me and little groups began to form by themselves.  And if I never end up having a tight-knit group like that, it's fine.  I'll settle for having an awesome eternal companion and an amazing family.

There are plenty of things we can learn from each other without completely losing our identities.

8.  This is probably the one piece of advice that I have trouble actually doing myself.  If the guy is a big fan of country dancing, why not GO COUNTRY DANCING with him?!  So what if it's not your favorite thing.  So what if you're terrible at it.  So what if it's out of your comfort zone.  Sometimes the best way to get to a guy is to first get into his social group before the relationship ever starts.  Get to know some of the people he loves and start acquainting yourself with the kind of things he enjoys. And that doesn't mean you have to give up everything you cherish and value and give into peer pressure just to impress a guy, a la Sandra Dee in Grease.  There are plenty of things we can learn from each other without completely losing our identities.
STILL thinking that this is some sort of nefarious dating tactic that promotes insecurity and lack of self-esteem?  I'll put it another way:  If you've never country danced before, maybe you'll like it! Maybe you'll enjoy hiking or skating or cello music. Or maybe you'll meet other awesome people while doing those things.  To bring things back to Grease again, Danny Zuko improved his life by joining the track team over a girl.  I don't think he regrets it at all; it didn't make his life any worse to have a productive hobby.  Real world example: I've talked to dozens of guys who discovered they loved singing simply because the girls invited them to join choir. They may never have got the girls, but they discovered something about themselves that they didn't know before.  I, myself, have uncovered tons of great performing artists simply by going out and watching my musical guy friends play at shows. It's ironic: You go into something for one purpose, only to discover something very different and far more rewarding instead.

Here's to a great summer.

Watching: How I Met Your Mother (of course)
Things going on today:  A Fast Sunday full of opportunities.
Learned:  A little more about the personal life of Neil Patrick Harris
Blessings:  Food.  Drink.  A Bed.

Marriage vs. Cohabitation: A lesson on Faith

I like talking about relationships a lot, and I'm sorry.  It's just such an important part of my little Mormon life.

This is gonna be a deep post.  It touches on a concept I've struggled with for a very long time.

I knew a boy back in high school that I really, REALLY admired. We became good friends, but we didn't always see eye to eye on things.  One day, we were talking about sex before marriage. He said something that would fascinate me for years:

"I don't think I really know if I love someone until I see her naked."

Yes.  That was what he said.  He went on to explain his feelings a bit more, and what I got out of it was that you really need to know an entire person in order to really love them.  You can really like a person a lot, but if there's no physical attraction, you really can't have the ideal romantic relationship.

This statement irks me on so many levels, but it also has left me with a lot of confusion and it made me really think about what I believed in regards to marriage, relationships, and sex.

 To set the record straight, I think it is wrong -- nay, downright sinful -- to participate in physical intimacy outside the bonds of matrimony.  God has told us not to do it, and if you do do it, there will be consequences.  Some of them you can get out of with repentance, but some you can't.  If that belief offends anyone, I'm sorry.  But I care about what God wants more than what anyone here on earth wants.

I do not apologize for this belief in the slightest, but I know that there are reasons why people break this commandment.  For one thing, it's super hard.  I know. Staying chaste is one of the biggest challenges people can face. I'm not ignorant of the fact that those feelings and desires to engage in such activity exist.  God meant for them to exist.   It's not like murder or stealing because it really can be a good thing in the right circumstances.  Good Mormons have sex.  You're supposed to have it when you're married.  It strengthens the relationship, makes you feel good, allows you to have the joy of children...  So many good things!  And as an added problem, Satan knows the stakes are high, so he's really upped his ante in making the sin look irresistible.  Remaining a virgin until you are married is a big sacrifice when the rest of the world is pressuring you and looks down on you for it.  I'm not ashamed to say that I have had to make some serious, difficult sacrifices to keep myself chaste.

It is hard, but it is so possible, and it is so worth it.

Within the past couple of decades, society has come to accept this idea that couples can live together and engage in sexual activity without making the commitment to marriage.  Some couples manage to co-inhabit for years.  Sometimes they eventually do get married, sometimes they don't.  Sometimes they stick together til they die, sometimes they don't.  From what I've gathered, people who adopt this lifestyle have sort of the same attitude that my good friend from high school had.  "I really don't know if I want to marry them yet.  Maybe we should live together for some time and see how we feel in a year or two.  Let's 'test the waters' and figure out if we are sexually compatible.  I'm not ready to commit for good, but can't I at least enjoy the complete extent of our relationship while I do have feelings for this person?"

Now, I'm a logical person. When I heard Mr. High School Buddy explain this mindset to me, I thought it seemed pretty logical.  Marriage is a super important decision.  And, at least in the world I grew up in, marriage was for eternal keepsies.  You don't go back on marriage.  Once you marry someone, you're with them.  Divorce isn't an option, except in rare circumstances.  Before I make this HUGE decision, I'd like to do my homework and really get to know the person I'm planning on marrying.  If I don't, I could end up with someone I'm not really happy with, and then my life will be miserable.  I don't want my life to be miserable!  Maybe the test for physical compatibility isn't as far-fetched as my leaders make it sound.  Yeah, you shouldn't be having sex all over the place with just anyone. But what if you really do have legitimate feelings for someone, and you're at least willing to commit to them for a time, but you're still not sure if you're ready for forever?  Marriage seems like an awfully big risk if you don't even know if you will really love that person, inside and out, with and without their clothes on.

But of course, I can't deny that the revelation speaks otherwise.  Physical intimacy is meant for a man and a woman who are united under holy matrimony -- whether it be in the temple or otherwise.  You need to be married before you can have sex with a person.  It's super important that you do so.  I had a testimony of this fact, but I didn't quite know why it was that important.  And that little hole in the logic really got to me.  How can I really have a testimony of the Law of Chastity if I don't have any idea why it's important?  I suppose God tells us to do things without telling us why all the time, but this one seemed too big of a deal to go without any real reasoning behind it.  I prayed for answers, and I sort of lived on that prayer for years, vacillating between feelings of doubt and anxiety and feelings of hope that God would indeed answer my prayer someday.

Last week, at Institute, we talked a little about the Law of Chastity in a class called "Preparing for an Eternal Marriage."  There was a discussion about some of the customs that are accepted by worldly standards, but not God's standards.  Someone brought up the notion of non-marital co-habitation and I started having that battle with myself again...

But then it came to me:  Faith.  Faith is the answer to everything.

I think you can have faith in God, but you can also have faith in a marriage, because marriage is of God.  Maybe faith in marriage comes from having faith in God.  Either way, faith is the answer.  As we read in the scriptures, faith is the knowledge or hope of things not seen.  Faith can mean an expectation of something that will happen later in the future, or it can be the belief of something that currently exists but that is just not seen.  Faith is the opposite of fear.

I think people who choose to put off marriage while still enjoying its benefits are not acting out of faith, but out of fear.  They aren't willing to make the ultimate commitment because they fear that they will be making a mistake if they do.  I don't think God's plan is designed for people to fear.  We need to have faith.  We need to remember that God will always be with us in our marriages.  If you have faith, you have a hope that a relationship will work, even if there are unknowns.  If you have faith, you don't have any need to fear the future.  If you have faith in God, you know he will help you, even if things get rough down the road.  If you have faith in your marriage, you maintain a belief that it can work, even if you and your spouse aren't completely compatible in every way.  I believe, then, that marriage is the ultimate act of faith.  Marriage is committing to your belief that the marriage will work.  It's like saying, "I don't know what the future brings, but I believe that this can last forever.  And I'm going to give up my single life completely to co-exist with someone completely.  In sickness and in health, for better or for worse, for time and all eternity.

I'll keep using that "test the waters" analogy.  There is no need to test the waters if you have faith that the waters will be just fine.  More often than not, they will be.  People who get married usually have their relationships last longer than those who simply live together.  But what if the water isn't fine?  What if, three months later, you realize that the water's a little more frigid than you're comfortable with.  Maybe it's the sex, maybe it's just his nagging personality, or maybe you just feel like you've settled and you could have had better.  No matter what the issue is, there is a way to make the relationship work.  If you include God in your relationship through faith, God will give you a way for your relationship to work.  Maybe he'll heat up the water, or maybe he'll just help you change your attitude about it.  No matter what the issue, things get easier when you have faith that God will help you.

Now that I've learned this, I have a very different attitude toward that statement that my friend made long ago.  Not only do I believe it isn't true, I also find it to be rather insulting.  I can now imagine how I would feel if someone said that about me.  If a guy can't know he loves me without seeing me naked first, that means he has no faith in me and no faith in our relationship.  It means that the physical aspects of a relationship are the only things to him that matter in a marriage.  That's just stupid and shallow.  Marriage is much more than just the physical.  Yes, it's important, but once again, if you approach your marriage with the right attitude and with the right amount of faith, you can be happy with anyone in every aspect.  I don't think my friend will ever truly love someone if he approaches his relationships with that attitude.

So... bottom line.  There's no need to not get married yet if you have faith.  Faith is the answer to everything.  Faith is the way you can keep the Law of Chastity until the day you die.  With God, all things are possible, and all marriages are possible.

Listening to:  Candlelight Carol by BYU Women's Chorus
Things going on today:  A fireside, lots of homework.
Blessings:  Periods only come once a month, not once a week.
Learned:  Laughter can actually provide lots of ease from menstrual cramps.

A Lesson My Parents Probably Don't Know They Taught Me

Alright... Opposites.  I have seen tons of couples out there.  Some are made up of pretty similar people.  Others, it's like they're from different planets.  My own mom and dad are pretty opposite.  Mom is bubbly and social and very giving of herself.  Dad is quiet, reserved, and careful.  When mom is upset, she cries and blames herself.  When dad's upset, he yells and puts the blame on other people.  Mom likes to watch movies and go to plays and read books.  Dad does NONE of those things. He has no hobbies.  Hobbies are expensive.  Mom likes to treat herself to restaurants and new clothes.  Dad never likes to spend money, even if he's spending it on something completely worthwhile.  They even LOOK different.  Mom is tan and blonde and HAWT.  Dad is tall and dignified and would look good only according to eighteenth century nobility standards.  

My darling Parents.

I think a lot of their differing personality traits stem from very different pasts.  My mom, Wendy, grew up in a very active church family in Provo stinking Utah.  Provo was a college town, an established urban metropolis.  My Grandpa Gardner, even though he has Alzheimer's, still manages to find the energy to tell my Grandma Gardner how wonderful she is.  Every day.  Mom had two older sisters and three younger brothers.  Grandma G was a pianist and taught mom the importance of music and performing arts.  Grandpa was a very smart and successful man.  He worked at the University of Utah, served on the State Legislature, and worked with experiments that led to today's modern development in rocket science and computers.  The Gardner family could afford comforts for their large family, like the newest computer modems (with punch cards!), a nice grand piano, and a big house.  Mom was surrounded by members of the church, got tons of dates all growing up, and got a chance to study abroad in Europe during her short secondary education.  I'm not going to say my mom's life was easy, but as you'll see shortly, her lifestyle was very different from my father's. 

My Father, Erik, grew up in Burnsville, Minnesota, one of very few members of the church in a much smaller school in a sprouting country-turning-suburb.  Dad came from a part-member family and had an older brother and two much younger sisters.  The Johnsons were a poorer family.  Grandpa Harlan worked in a small business, and for a while had to work two jobs to keep his family living in the same home they began in.   Grandma D. also worked really hard, kind of putting together a DIY home out of what they already had.  Dad learned quickly that he, himself, would have to put in a lot of effort in order to be successful.  He ended up getting a Master's Degree and joining the family business. Grandpa Harlan is Catholic.  Grandma Doro grew up in the church, but she herself was from a part-member family and took sort of an apathetic approach to governing her children's spiritual lives.  Dad and his older brother Ty sort of had to find testimonies on their own, and weren't given any support by their peers or parents. Grandma Doro and Grandpa Harlan are like the opposite of my Gardner Grandparents.  In my dad's teenage years, they ended up getting a divorce, and it was in no way pleasant for anyone. Even when it happens later on in a person's youth, the experience of divorce is one that can alter your life forever.

So, when two completely different worlds combine, there are bound to be some adjustments you have to make.  My Dad was a little put off by how outgoing and "Mormon" my mother is.  To this day, Dad still teases her about how she bursts into impromptu song and dance at the most unnecessary of moments. 

A big thing my Dad had to learn is that my mom is a Words Person.  She expects to be TOLD -- not just SHOWN -- how much she is loved.  Remember, Grandpa Gardner was a words guy.  He tells everyone how much he loves my Grandma and how proud he is of his kids.  Dad isn't much of a words guy.  Grandpa Harlan wasn't a words guy.  Harlan showed his love by going out and working as a school janitor for a second evening job to provide for his family.  I'm sure Grandpa loved his kids, even with the divorce and everything, but he just wasn't the mushy-"I-love-you"-type.  So Dad learned not to rely on that kind of communication.  When he met my mom, he had to CONSCIOUSLY RESOLVE to tell her he loved her every day, because he found out very quickly that it was something she was used to.  And it wasn't just words.  Mom likes gifts.  She likes getting jewelry, flowers, fancy restaurant dates, and vacations to all places tropical.  I'm positive that my father thinks those things are a complete waste of money, but because he loves her, he uses his precious, hard-earned money to her stuff like that all the time. (My favorite gift: A trip for her to see Daughtry in concert last summer.  The card said, "Dear Wendy, please find someone else to go to this concert with you. Love Erik.") 

In my own childhood, I remember often thinking that my father didn't love me.  He didn't ever give me a lot of praise or verbal affirmation, and he often had trouble communicating his feelings to me in a "loving" way when he was disappointed with me.  He also wasn't home as much as I probably would have liked.  BUT, now that I'm older, I can see all of the things my Dad HAS done for me because he loves me.  He's worked hard, sacrificed a lot of time and money, and he's stepped quite a bit out of his comfort zone to give me the praise and verbal affection that I so greatly desire.  I've learned from my Dad that we need to be aware of ALL of the things our family does for us, even if they aren't what we find obvious.

I'm sure mom feels it too.  Sometimes I would come home and the house would be a mess.  I remember seeing my mother, almost in tears, hurrying to try and get dinner made while at the same time trying to tidy up the kitchen.  "Please help clean up!" she would say.  "I don't want your Dad to come home from work tonight to such a messy house!"  You see, while my Mom is a words person, she is NOT as much of a service person.  She must make a CONSCIOUS EFFORT to do things for my Dad that he would appreciate. Things like cleaning the house, making dinner, and not spending too much money when she goes to Target Some of those things are outside her comfort zone, but she does them anyway because she loves her husband. 

I'm a lot like my mother.  I like words and gifts and quality time.  I always thought that I would want to only date guys who would satisfy those needs.  Guys who would express their feelings verbally all the time, guys who would be as emotionally charged as I am and express their passions the same way I do.  Some of the men I've dated have showered me with praise, given me wonderful gifts, and have invested a great deal of time on me.  But others, including my current boyfriend, don't speak those love languages as well.  My boyfriend is wonderful.  He's so humble and patient and accepting of me.  He reminds me a lot of my Dad.  He, too, is quiet, reserved, and careful.  There are days when I get frustrated at him because he doesn't express his feelings for me in those specific ways that I particularly appreciate.  But then I remember the things he DOES do.  He puts off homework for me all the time.  He asks for my advice.  He listens to me.  He buys me Slurpees. And he, like my father, has done a lot of stepping out of his comfort zone.  He's holds my hand in public.  He  tells me what's on his mind.  And he's learning about my needs and he's changing for them.  No doubt, we'll have a few periods in our relationship where we will disagree and we'll have to explain each other's expectations, but we've already been through enough for me to feel like this, too, shall pass.  

I've always liked this picture.  Check out that girl's socks. 

I think about my parents' relationship a lot, now that I'm dating myself.  I know not every couple is going to be exactly the same, but I do feel like my parents have taught me correct principles of patience, understanding, and sacrifice.  Despite what the fairy tales say, love ain't a picnic.  There is a ton of work involved.  They say opposites attract, and it's true some couples seem like opposites.  But really, if you think about it, there's always going to be something "opposite" about the person you are dating.  No one is exactly like you.  No one is exactly like your spouse, either.  And that's okay.  In fact, it's probably very helpful.  If you both have exactly the same "love language" and expectations, you aren't really learning anything new about each other.  What if my boyfriend and I were both only service people, who never really expressed affection verbally, or even expected the other to do it.  One day, if I get married and have a child, that child will have his own personality and agency.  Maybe HE'LL need verbal attention.  If anything, my differences from my boyfriend teach me how to show love in a variety of ways.  That's valuable.  

I have a theory:  Love is a willingness to put one's needs and desires first.  Love of yourself is a willingness to put your wants, as well as your needs, in the foreground, while love of others requires you to forsake some of those wants and maybe even rethink and adjust your needs.  A healthy relationship involves love of yourself as well as love of your partner.  Your partner must also love you as well as him/herself.  Ideal love is a balance of these four different states of feeling between two people.  When looking for a spouse, it is important to consider if you both can even come close to maintaining that balance with each other.  My parents have it down to an art, and they set a high standard for me to pursue.  I have faith that I can do it. 

Listening to:  My dear Women's Chorus singing a version of "True Colors."

Things going on today:  Break the Fast, doing ALL the homework.

Blessings:  ...........................................tampons.......................................... (forgive me.)

Learned:  Captain Kirk was on the original series of Star Trek.  Picard was on the Next Generation Series.  I can feel myself getting nerdier by the minute.  

In the Spirit of Thanksgiving

So I have this REALLY AWESOME FAMILY that does some REALLY AWESOME THINGS.

For example, my cousin Trevor is on the University of Utah football team and is kicking some major butt.

I don't know much about football, but I know enough to recognize that this is a pretty awesome picture.  

Trevor plays the position of linebacker for the Utes, and he's becoming a hot topic in the world of college football.  (Here's his bio, if you wanna know more.)  He became the first University of Utah player to become a PAC-12 Player of the Week, after the BYU-vs-UofU game last September.  (That was a hard game for me to watch... who to root for??)  

Trevor comes from a huge sports family.  His brothers AJ and Drew also play for major college teams.    I never knew my "California cousins" incredibly well.  They were too far away to visit for most of my childhood, and since I was a lot younger than most of them, a lot of what they talked about went completely over my head.  But I am beginning to appreciate the value of these family members more and more as I learn more about what it is they do.  

My cousin, taking down Jake Heaps from BYU.  I wouldn't have it any other way...

My aunt, Kris, is Trevor's mother.  Yesterday, over Thanksgiving dinner, she let me in on what life was like being a sports mother.   As a supportive mother, she travels from southern California to watch her sons games in Colorado, Utah, and wherever the away-games take her.  She's filled with stories about her sons' adventures in college.  She's always praising them, supporting them any way she can.  But even though her sons are incredibly talented, she still has those moments during a game where she can't watch.  There are some games where the pressure is so high and everyone is watching what her sons are doing, judging their performance. I can't imagine what it would be like to watch my son get a concussion by ramming into a guy  twice as big as he is...  What a strong woman, indeed.  

And the coolest part of it all:  There's so much more to it than just what happens on the field.  My aunt and uncle have done a really good job raising these boys to have strong moral compasses and charity towards their fellow men.  AJ, Trevor, and Drew have all served LDS missions, which may have been a greater sacrifice than we non-sports-players can imagine.  Their younger brother, Beau, is just two weeks away from starting his own mission in Brazil (so excited!).  Trevor and AJ are happily married to two beautiful and strong women.  Trevor's got a daughter, Nelli (who is so cute!), and AJ's expecting a son, Rio, in just a few short weeks.  They are prepared to provide for their loved ones by using the many talents they have besides sports.  They really don't fit that stereotype you always hear about major sports stars.  They don't party every night, they aren't full of themselves, they don't do things they regret later.  They would never do anything to shame the family.   They love the gospel and they love their families.  I am so proud of them.  

Listening to:  Still "Helena Beat."

Blessings:  Pie.

Learned today:  Trevor also set a world record in 2004 for eating an onion in one minute and 35 seconds.  The kid's got talent, that's for sure.... 

Things Going On:  Well, I SHOULD be homeworking.  

DC Trip Part !#

A bit of Artsyness of my own...

My sweet mother, admiring art.

A hurried picture of the Washington Monument.

The American Indian Museum.  We never went inside, but isn't it a cool building?

Ellen and Nathan, lookin' hot.

Pocahontas?

Nathan

Ellen

Modern architecture.

Neo-Classical Architecture

The outdoor rose garden, featuring roses and a host of other pretty green things. 

Nathan, posing.

Ellen, my darling sister, posing.

Me... in a very flattering outfit... NOT. 

Look... a bee.

This is one of my favorite pictures of all time.  Taken completely by accident. 

Rose garden.  

FACE IN LEAF.

Most of the roses were dead or dying.  Not this one...

FamFam

My dear sweet parents.  This is why I love them. 

Awww, Han, quit with the mushy stuff!

Another favorite picture, again taken by accident. 

Gaaa, I just can't get OVER how cute my sister is!

Dad.  :D  I love him.

Look!  A cool exotic flower!

I took this picture more for mom's sake.  She liked the design and wished she could duplicate it somehow in our backyard.  Let me know how that goes, Mom.

Right outside the Smithsonian "Herbarium," which I greatly would have liked to see.  But it was closed, so take a looka t the building.  The plant life surrounding it is meant to represent different classes of plants from around the world.  It's kind of a fun little adventure.

What a great family experience, this DC trip o' mine.

Listening to:  "Helena Beat" by Foster the People.  My new obsession.

Blessings:  Thanksgiving dinners.  Family.  Friends.  A computer.  A piano.  Three-day weekends.  No work.  No snow.  And my best friend is coming back to BYU this winter.  SO THANKFUL.

Things Going On Today:  Try things NOT going on today.  No school.  No work.  No parties.  I'm free to do homework ALL DAY.  

Learned:  What the phrase "Loss of Down" means in football.  

DC Trip Part !@

Sculptures Outside the Hirshhorn:

Lucio Fontana, Spatial Concept: Nature (59-60 N29), 1959-1960

I wonder what these sculptures by Lucio Fontana mean.  Perhaps something about rebirth and natural spiritual growth?  It would be nice to have some time to do some research on this...

Roy Lichtenstein, Brushstroke, 1996

This guy's pretty epic:  Roy Lichtenstein.  You may know him as the guy who paints those blown-up comic strip panels, complete with the benday dot effect.  He also did a lot with imitating brushstrokes.  It's like he's painting a line of paint.  This aluminum sculpture is right in front of the building on your way into the Hirshhorn from the mall.  It's a pretty cool first glance as to what's inside.

Claes Oldenburg, Geometric Mouse: Variation I, Scale A, 1971

This is a famous piece.  Claes Oldenburg's Geometric Mouse.  I find it to be a minimalist take on an iconic Mickey Mouse motif.  I've seen this sculpture in my textbooks.  It's very simple, but unique and original.  

Tony Smith, Throwback, 1976-79

Tony Smith is a very famous minimalist.  He's best known for his work, Die, which was a giant iron block with no other apparent features or artistic qualities aside from it's... well, it's blocky-ness.  Some people have a lot of trouble accepting that as art.  Unfortunately.  

Some of Smith's works, however, are more aesthetically pleasing, like this one.  There's a little bit of a mobius strip in this, in the fact that the figure seems to wind around itself in seemingly unlimited patterns.  I find it fascinating how people can see so many different images and actually make them real.

Kenneth Snelson, Needle Tower, 1968

I was reminded of the Eiffel Tower when I saw this tall sculpture by Kenneth Snelson.  Here's a really cool image I found online of  the perspective you get when liking directly up from inside the tower.  Pretty playful geometry.  Makes me almost appreciate math.

Go Here for the source.

My favorite thing in the sculpture garden was this installation by Yoko Ono.  It was a tree with hundreds of little paper tags all over it.  I think I can just include the plaque to explain what the goal was for her project.

Yoko Ono's an interesting woman.  She was part of this Neo-Dada movement called Fluxus, which prided itself in this free, do-it-yourself, performance-based artistic experience.  She's a huge advocate for peace and unity within the world.  This tree -- one of many planted across the globe -- is, to me, a symbol of how we all as human beings have something in common -- we all wish for something.  We all want to be happy.  I, like many, have the following wish:

\

...and I, like many, sometimes have trouble visualizing the reality of this wish.  But the reality and tangibility of this dream -- symbolized by its being written down and placed on the tree -- is there!  

Some other wishes I found on the tree that spoke to me:

This one I thought was just funny:

I really love this wish tree idea.  I'm glad I got to experience it in a quiet, serene environment.  The clouds were out, the tourisits were few, and my family was far behind me.  I was pretty much alone with this tree.  It was very nice.

Yoko Ono, Wish Tree, 2007

Alberto Giacometti, Monumental Head, 1960

Giacometti.  I think he's my favorite existentialist artist.  Mainly because he uses some pretty cool motifs and because his human figures actually look like how he wants them to feel.  Some even call him a surrealist.  Anyway, I immediately knew who was responsible for creating this morose-looking bust next to the Wish Tree.  They're quite a contrast from each other.

Henry Moore, King and Queen, 1952-53

The Sculpture Garden has tons of iconic works by famous artists that I immediately recognize from the textbooks I've had to read for my art history classes.  This one, I knew, was done by Moore.  His King and Queen motifs are seen all over the world. You can tell it's Moore by the simplification of the human form.  His works would grow to be even more simple and stylized as time goes on.

Auguste Rodin, Monument to Balzac, 1891-1898

I was really excited about this one.  Auguste Rodin's Monument to Balzac is very, very famous. 

Rodin was one of the first "impressionistic" sculptors; he allowed his technique to show through on his work, leaving a "painterly" quality of thumbprints and indentations from working the material.  Balzac was a pretty high and mighty guy; after being commissioned for this work, Rodin took a lot of... creative liberties with this work.  It looks nothing like the original Balzac and was rejected.  Only now, in modern times, can we appreciate the value of Rodin's deviance from the norm. This is a replication of the original, which is located in the Rodin Museum sculpture garden in Paris, France. 

I thought this was a pretty epic and inspired work, so I took a lot of pictures of it....

Funny... Rodin lived in the 1800s.  There aren't many artists from that age on display at the Hirshorn...

I guess that means Rodin was pretty modern for his time....

Auguste Rodin, The Burghers of Calais, 1884-1889

This is also a replication of a very famous work by Rodin, The Burghers of Calais.  Story: 

So back in the day, England laid siege to a city called Calais, and the city held out for so long, people started starving.  England said that they would spare the city, but only if it would offer the city's six strongest leaders as a sacrifice.  Those six burghers, walking to their doom, are the subject of this work. 

I think Rodin captures human personality very well.  Each of these burghers is showing a different emotion and demeanor.  Pretty cool...

Auguste Rodin, Walking Man, 1900

Another work by Rodin.  This one's a motion experiment called Walking Man.

Willem de Kooning, Clamdigger, 1972

Willem de Kooning was a whackjob if he saw images like this as "beautiful."  I think it looks like a child did it.  But of course, at such a grand scale as this, it would have to have been a pretty tall child with some pretty big hands.  And the title!  Clamdigger.  Fits eerily well, doesn't it? 

Henry Moore, 3-Way Piece No. 3: Vertebrae (Working Model), 1968 

More Moore.  I like this work because it really depicts the bone-like quality that the name suggests.  It's like a piece to a greater organic puzzle.

David Smith, Agricola I, 1951-1952

What a master, that David Smith.  All of his works are so unique and individual, but you know who created them right off the bat.  This one is called Agricola I, named after a Roman General.  Do you see the human-like quality of this piece?  I do.

David Smith, Voltri XV, 1962

Another David Smith work.  This one's probably named after another artist and created out of scrap metal.  Part of me really admires the "one man's trash" quality of David Smith's work.  He made this whole piece out of scrap metal.  It took very little time and the result is so simple and familiar.  

Ellsworth Kelly, Untitled, 1986

Kelly:  A Minimalist with some abstract expressionist flair.  He had a fascination for shapes and dimensions.  I feel like you can't really enjoy this untitled work unless you walk up to it and look at it from under the "fold."  Too bad they tell you not to touch the artwork at the Smithsonian.

Alexander Calder, Sky Hooks, 1962

What can I say, I just FREAKING LOVE CALDER, so I take a lot of pictures of his work.  I like this one because you can approach it from any angle and get something a little bit different.  It's like a journey that continues forever.

Dan Graham, For Gordon Bunshaft, 2006

My siblings and I had fun playing with this more recent work by Dan Graham.  It's titled For Gordon Bunshaft, who was the architect and designer for the Hirshhorn Museum's circular building.  Fitting that the work would be placed under its shadow.

The piece contains two-way mirrors, which lead to countless hours... er, minutes... of camera fun with the family.  

From the Hirshhorn website: "Graham has described these structures of mirror and wood as hybrids: one side derived from traditional Japanese architecture, while the other two sides allude to modern corporate architecture and Bunshaft’s design of the iconic Hirshhorn building."

The only problem:  I can't get a good picture of my sister with Graham's piece without taking a picture of my annoying, camera-toting self as well.  

It was still a great piece.  I think it's purpose is to include the living generation in the artistic movements of both the past and future.  Thus the two-way mirror.

As seen from above. 

David Smith, Cubi XII, 1963

Okay, this piece is one of many iconic pieces that you HAVE to see when you visit DC.  His Cubi are works of mastery.  Why?  Well, first of all, even though the work is made out of steel -- man-made -- it resembles and echoes natural, organic processes of crystallization and mineral growth.  Second of all, it combines a minimalist block-style with the abstract expressionist freedom by its artistic scratches on the metal.  The work changes throughout the day, depending on the light and reflection of the work.  And you, yourself, can be seen in its reflection.  SUCH a cool piece.  

David Smith, Pittsburgh Landscape, 1954

Here's another modernist twist that David Smith has created.  While modernist critics lauded David Smith for creating "ideal" sculptures that emphasize sculptural qualities, this work seems to echo a painting.  It's even called a LANDSCAPE.  There's little dimension to it; it looks almost drawn on a 2D surface made of air.  I find it pretty cool how Smith was able to thwart his critic contemporaries and make something that blends two artistic worlds together. 

A detail of Pittsburgh Landscape

Anthony Caro, Monsoon Drift, 1975

I think the title for this work by Caro is so fitting, but I really can't find the words to describe exactly why.  Perhaps it represents the cloud cover as the monsoon season rises and falls.  Or perhaps it's the waves of an overflowing river.  Or perhaps it's just representative of plate tectonics... I don't know, but it's a piece I love to look at again and again.

Mark de Suvero, Are Years What?(for Marianne Moore), 1967

My final piece I will show you in this long and arduous post is this one, by Mark de Suervo.  He liked to use I-beams in his modernist sculptures.  Unlike some of the works by Smith, this piece is GREATLY sculptural.  It's mobile, for one thing, so the piece moves through multiple stages in the third dimension.  And furthermore, it's made out of hard-and-fast modern material: steel.  The red color adds to an industrial feel.  

This is a Calder-like work.  You can look at it from any angle and see something completely different each time.  

It's also a very big work.  Like a jungle-gym of I-beams.

The title, which means so much, yet never enough to satisfy you.  The title is based off a poem by Marianne Moore, called "What Are Years"

What is our innocence,
what is our guilt? All are
   naked, none is safe. And whence
is courage: the unanswered question,
the resolute doubt,—
dumbly calling, deafly listening—that
in misfortune, even death,
      encourages others
      and in its defeat, stirs

   the soul to be strong? He
sees deep and is glad, who
   accedes to mortality
and in his imprisonment rises
upon himself as
the sea in a chasm, struggling to be
free and unable to be,
      in its surrendering
      finds its continuing.

   So he who strongly feels,
behaves. The very bird,
   grown taller as he sings, steels
his form straight up. Though he is captive,
his mighty singing
says, satisfaction is a lowly
thing, how pure a thing is joy.
      This is mortality,
      this is eternity.

Listening to:  Nothing at the moment.

Things going on Today:  Teach two-year-olds about the clarinet, Women's Chorus concert, Stake Conference, Halloween Party

Blessings:  Weekends, schedules that work.

Learned:  See above.  Plus more.