Getting Integrated (or, The Main Reason Why I Am Still Single)

They say that when you marry someone, you're also marrying his/her family.

I fought this saying for a long time.  I always thought that if you loved each other enough, there should be nothing -- not rain, not snow, not your future mother-in-law -- that could stop you from being together.  Yeah, family reunions may be a little unpleasant, but they don't last forever and you hardly ever have to interact with your spouse's family outside of that, so what's the big deal?

But after watching several of my dear friends tie the knot, I have come to understand how true such an adage is.  Couples' families have a huge influence over the couple.  Families-in-law will forever be a driving force in your joint decision-making as a married unit.  Odds are you'll see them far more often than just during weddings and funerals.  And your potential spouse will surely hold his or her family as a high priority and hope that you will get along with them.  I know I feel that way; I usually don't let a guy get to relationship status without getting the go-ahead from my sister, first.

A lot of us have a "meet-the-parents" story of one kind or another.  I, myself, haven't had many experiences with a boyfriend's parents, but the ones I have had... Well, they haven't been great.  And in all these instances, my relationship with the man's family foreshadowed the ultimate fate of the relationship I had with the man.   My first 'official' boyfriend had a mother who thought that I was some temptress who had come to kidnap her son and whisk him away into a Gaga-loving Babylon.  The second time I 'met the parents,' was a similar story.  (It's funny.  When you meet a guy's parents, you suddenly realize exactly why he has the quirks that he has.  But I can discuss that at a later date.)

It's always going to be awkward.  Always.

And the one and only time I introduced a boy to my mom and dad?  I shudder at the memory.

Yes, family is important.  But there's another important group of people you need to consider when discussing a long-term relationship, and that is the very loosely-defined group of people known as "the friends."

You know what I mean when I say "friends." Those people you -- as a college student living away from home -- spend the most time with.  As a girl, you may have your girlfriends, just as a guy may have his bros. They often are your roommates or coworkers.  Perhaps they're people who share your major and who share similar class schedules and interests.  Sometimes it's a ward group.  Or, if you're lucky, they can be this group of friends you've known since you were kids.  People who grew up with you.  People you would expect to see cheering you on at your wedding.  After all, you were there for theirs.

When I think of a close group of friends, I first think of the five protagonists from the hit TV series How I Met Your Mother.  Ted, Marshall, Lily, Robin, and Barney.  Always doing things together.  Dating each other.  Meeting at the same bar year after year.  They know everything about each other, share common experiences, and are there for each other when things go wrong. While it does seem a little contrived, most of us can relate to this kind of thing.  Lots of us have a "best friend" like Marshall.  Many of us have a "pet married couple" like Marshall and Lily, who may act as our surrogate parents from time to time while we're away from home.  And, let's face it, most friend groups have a Barney Stinson -- the one whack-job in the group who seems like he wouldn't fit, but somehow does.  Although our circumstances change, time and experience have helped us understand that true friendships transcend petty differences and difficult conflicts.

Ted, Marshall, Lily, Robin, and Barney... They know everything about each other, share common experiences, and are there for each other when things go wrong. 

If I were to meet Ted at the supermarket (or at a wedding, or while trying to remove a tattoo, or perhaps as I was protesting against one of his architectural endeavors...), I would feel more fear in meeting his four closest friends than in meeting his mother or his father.  In some ways, it is more challenging to inundate yourself into another's group of friends than it is to inundate yourself into a person's family.  Sure, family's where you come from and where you always find yourself going back.  But friends?  That's where you choose to spend all the rest of your time.  These are the people you WANT to be with, not just the people you're born with.  These are the people you share interests with, the people you purposely develop deeper relations with, people you learn from.  While you're out in college, your friends become your second family.

And, unlike a person's real family, the friends are there from the beginning.  Rarely do we ever think of introducing a guy or girl to our parents on the first date.  Even if I wanted them to meet, it's pretty difficult to ever introduce a guy to mom and dad, since they live so far away.  I've hardly been in a relationship for enough time for that to even be an issue.  In the meantime, though, most people have this "second family" that they grow super close to, and you meet them right away.  You may not have to schmooze mom and dad immediately, but you may need to get past the BFFs on the very first date.

Often, you are faced with the super important ritual known as meeting the roommates.  Not only does it give a person the chance to see how a date responds to meeting these new people, but it also can be very revealing to hear what the roommates think of the guy you just brought home.  Do they like him?  Do they seem to get along?  I can't tell you how many times I've closed the door after a date, only to immediately turn to my roommates and say, "Well, what do you think?  Thumbs up or thumbs down?"  Their poor opinion may not be the dealbreaker, but it could definitely weaken your relationship.

Meeting the roommates:  Their poor opinion may not be the dealbreaker, but it could definitely weaken your relationship.

And even if you pass the initial go-ahead, you're then faced with the next step: initiation. Now this step can be bypassed if your new friend already is a part of your social group. It's nice to date someone who has already spent plenty of time with your friends and he's already comfortable with you as part of a group of other close compatriots. It's convenient when that happens. The transition from 'friend' to 'boyfriend' is a lot more calm when he's already a part of your life and your friend group.

But what if you met the guy online, or on the street, or at the gym?  You have almost nothing in common with him, socially speaking.  You come from separate worlds.  He rock-climbs and hikes, you make music and see plays.  If the personalities aren't right, these separate worlds could collide in a catastrophic explosion.  Or it could at least lead to a super awkward experience, and early on, such awkward experiences can break down the relationship completely.  You don't want your relationship to begin on too wrong of a note, or else it will end before it starts!

How hard is it to meet the Best Friend?  Boyfriend may be super excited to introduce you to him, but don't you still feel the need to dress just a little nicer and act just a little cooler?  After all, this is your boyfriend's Best Friend.  Anyone who's best friends with your dream guy oughta be super cool and super important, right?  His opinion must be super important, right?  And what if BestFriend doesn't give you the seal of approval?  Depending on how much time Boyfriend spends with BestFriend, you may be in for a rough time.

And it's even worse when there's a group of Best Friends, like in How I Met Your Mother.  When you meet a new group of people, seldom is someone going to bother filling you in on the inside jokes that they all share, their past experiences, or the traditions they hold. You are the random stranger, surrounded by people you don't know, and you have to share the attention of the one person you have any attachment to with all of these other folks. And perhaps your mere presence puts a damper on things for them? Perhaps you are the rain on the parade that is BestFriend tradition.   You show up on the hiking trip, you appear in all the mission reunion photos, you tag along to the movies... Cool as you are, you can't change the fact that you're someone new.  Different.  You're the stranger.  The buzzkill.  The newbie.  Yuck.

When you meet a new group of people, seldom is someone going to bother filling you in on the inside okes that they all share, their past experiences, or the traditions they hold. 

Even when you do things alone, there's still pressure to have a mutual friend group to talk about.  It's hard to talk about a funny thing that happened at work when your beau has never met your coworkers.  It's hard for him to talk about his band when you've never met his bandmates.  We are social animals.  We thrive in environments where we can make connections and form further relationships.  You can only spend so much time on formal, one-on-one dates.  If you ever want to marry someone, you need to meld your entire life with someone else's entire life.  This stranger to your world needs to become an established regular.  An integrated part of your social life.  Getting to that point is very challenging.

In my own situation, I find that this whole issue concerning social integration is the primary factor that has come between me and a successful relationship.  You can trace most of my problems back to the fact that I have very few close friends. I consider myself an unestablished socialite.  My personality does not cater to having a posse or a clique or a cohort that I always do things with. I spread myself thin; I have lots of friends, but few of them are really close. There's no automatic list of people I would call to go get Denny's with on a weekend.  My friendships are more the kind where I can easily say "hi" to someone I recognize if our paths happen to cross.  I get invited to things on occasion, and while I am an extrovert who can adapt to these kinds of situations pretty easily, I do recognize that I am different and I don't immediately click with lots of people.  In such an in-transit environment as a college campus, getting to know a group of people well enough to have them be a major part of my life is hard for a girl like me.  One-on-one, I'm great.  Get me with a group, and I detach myself.  So rather than having this group of people that I always do things with, I have a smattering of individual friendships that I do one-on-one activities with on occasion.  I don't dislike this lifestyle.  It makes for an awesome formal dating experience.  One-on-one planned activities with the purpose of getting to know someone better?  I shine in that environment.  It's just that next step that I have trouble with.

So that's the first thing going against me: My social temperament. But let's not assume that I am incapable of surpassing my normal disposition and creating close bonds with groups of people.  I have had 'cliques' in the past.  My old roommates were one, and my former coworkers were another.  But then my roommates moved out and I quit my job... And now I live in the basement of my grandparents' house.  I live in a scattered ward, working as a junior high school teacher and personal research assistant to a professor.  The only people I come in contact with these days are my pre-teen students, my married mentor teacher, my grandma, and my professors.  So much for having a common social circle with my potential eternal companion! Heck, it's hard enough to find guys to simply go on dates with, let alone find a relationship.  And when someone special does show up in my ward or wherever, he's usually so well established in some other social group, and a hermit like me can hardly get her foot in the door.

Let's not assume that I'm incapable of surpassing my normal disposition... I have had cliques in the past.  My old roommates were one.

I am willing to share that I, myself, have been hit with the words, "I just don't think you'd get along with my friends, Hannah.  And that's really important to me.  Sorry. We're through."  But I don't think a guy needs to actually say that in order for me to feel the social pressure of having to win the hearts of not only the guys I'm interested in, but also of their friends.  Yes, it's a frustrating thing, knowing that most of the men I interact with have totally separate lives from me and, thus, the cards are stacked against me.

I guess that's why I'm still single.  I haven't figured out this whole "meet-the-friends" thing yet.

 But I'm discovering the solution...

All this being said, here are some things you need to be successful in dating.  Mind you, this is not a comprehensive list, but it may contain a few things that you may not initially think of, or it may put a new spin on some of the common things you hear as a single adult all the time.

1.  Do stuff.  Get out there and find a hobby that you can share with others.  Climb rocks, make music, join an opera, play tennis, go to institute, take a dance class, join a dinner group, start a game night, go to Home Evening, attend the extra seminars...  Be social.  You've probably heard this advice before, and you're always given the same reason for it:  You can't meet your future companion if you never put yourself in a position to meet someone.  And yeah, that's a valid argument.  But there's more.  I also think it's important for people to have a social group.  They don't need to be your eventual bridesmaids or the godparents for your future children, but it's healthy to have a group of people that you have things in common with.  You'll improve your social skills, you have a non-family support group, and -- of course -- you'll have fun.  Yes, you can have fun when you're single.  Fun exists outside of marriage.
2.  Group date.  If you're a nonestablished socialite like me, group dating provides a social outlet that you don't achieve in other group settings.  Double dates are nice; they're still small enough to be intimate.  They give you a chance to see how your date operates in a group, and your date can see how you operate in a group.  And suddenly you've created a mutual friend base that both of you have in common.  Total win.

Group dating provides a social outlet that you don't achieve in other group settings.

3.  Hopefully this essay will help you realize that meeting the friends can be an awkward thing for your date.  There are ways to make it easier.  Don't put a ton of pressure on it.  Bring your new friend into the group.  Make some formal introductions, and then continue to make informal introductions.  It's so nice to have a date who is willing to go the extra mile to make me feel comfortable with his friends.  And it's very encouraging when I end up making a few new friends in the whole dating process.
4.  Remember:  Life is about forming positive relationships with lots of different people.  It's not all about just finding that ONE person you're going to spend the rest of your life with.  If and when you do find that special someone, it doesn't mean you can completely forget about the other relationships that helped you get to that point.  Yes, marriage is a priority, but brotherly love, service to those around you, and learning from others is also an important part in this life journey.
Furthermore, if you never get out there and start forming good friendships, you'll never get the chance to meet the notorious "friend-of-a-friend."  I met my last boyfriend at a mutual friend's music show at a club.  I had no intention of meeting a companion when I went, but we were introduced and things moved quickly forward from there.  I never would have met him, had I not been a supportive friend already.  The more people you know, the more you're able to network.  That can help your romantic life as well as your career.
5.  Find out about yourself, what you want, and what your goals are.  I never could have written this a year ago.  That was before I realized what kind of a person I was in groups, how I interacted with people one-on-one, and what my interests were in a future companion.  Since then, I have discovered that I'm an extrovert with interesting hobbies and a bold, colorful personality that caters well to certain other personalities.  The moment I figured stuff like this out, I suddenly became more confident with other people, and I started picking guys that were better for me within social groups where I was already comfortable.  Since I am a musician, I take advantage of interactions I have with other musicians.  I make the conscious choice to expand upon my relationships with women and men who are interested in post-graduate education, like myself.  In a spiritual sense, I am better able to "separate the wheat from the tares" in dating when I am truly confident in my end goal: to marry for eternity in the Lord's Holy Temple.  When you know who you are and what your true desires are, you more quickly find those things you desire.  Remember your goals.  Remember who you are.

Remember your goals.  Remember who you are.

6.  Speaking of picking, it's totally okay to consider the friends as you're making decisions about a relationship.  I do not look down on the guy who rejects me because of how I get along with his friends.  Your friends are important, just like family is important.  It's good to give people a chance, but if you know that integrating a certain kind of person will cause excessive conflict and stress on you and your social group, maybe it's a good idea to search for your companion elsewhere. This is especially true when it comes to spiritual things.  If your date's buddies don't keep the same standards that you do, there is a perfectly legitimate reason to hit pause and re-evaluate.  Everyone is different, and there will usually be conflict of some kind, but there is a line.  Find it, and don't cross it.
7.  If you don't have a How-I-Met-Your-Mother group, don't try to get one.  You can't force a friend group like that, and they are not necessary for finding happiness in your social life.  They emerge on their own, if you are patient and if you are genuine and trustworthy.  I found that the moment I stopped trying to form a posse, people felt a lot more comfortable around me and little groups began to form by themselves.  And if I never end up having a tight-knit group like that, it's fine.  I'll settle for having an awesome eternal companion and an amazing family.

There are plenty of things we can learn from each other without completely losing our identities.

8.  This is probably the one piece of advice that I have trouble actually doing myself.  If the guy is a big fan of country dancing, why not GO COUNTRY DANCING with him?!  So what if it's not your favorite thing.  So what if you're terrible at it.  So what if it's out of your comfort zone.  Sometimes the best way to get to a guy is to first get into his social group before the relationship ever starts.  Get to know some of the people he loves and start acquainting yourself with the kind of things he enjoys. And that doesn't mean you have to give up everything you cherish and value and give into peer pressure just to impress a guy, a la Sandra Dee in Grease.  There are plenty of things we can learn from each other without completely losing our identities.
STILL thinking that this is some sort of nefarious dating tactic that promotes insecurity and lack of self-esteem?  I'll put it another way:  If you've never country danced before, maybe you'll like it! Maybe you'll enjoy hiking or skating or cello music. Or maybe you'll meet other awesome people while doing those things.  To bring things back to Grease again, Danny Zuko improved his life by joining the track team over a girl.  I don't think he regrets it at all; it didn't make his life any worse to have a productive hobby.  Real world example: I've talked to dozens of guys who discovered they loved singing simply because the girls invited them to join choir. They may never have got the girls, but they discovered something about themselves that they didn't know before.  I, myself, have uncovered tons of great performing artists simply by going out and watching my musical guy friends play at shows. It's ironic: You go into something for one purpose, only to discover something very different and far more rewarding instead.

Here's to a great summer.

Watching: How I Met Your Mother (of course)
Things going on today:  A Fast Sunday full of opportunities.
Learned:  A little more about the personal life of Neil Patrick Harris
Blessings:  Food.  Drink.  A Bed.

Kisses.

July 3, 2007:
Well... It happened.  The one thing I've wanted to happen all my life -- but the one thing I'm almost regretting now.  It was pleasant, yet painful.  Shaking, yet serine.  Wonderful, yet weird.
We kissed.  Full-out on the lips.  We kissed.
I imagine it as if it were happening now... we were on the couch in the living room...

I let his lips touch mine.  Softly at first, but then he took over.  I hardly did anything, I just sat there and let his lips cover mine.  He'd suck in and let go, suck in and let go.  Almost six times, before I whispered,
"Is this okay?"
"Only if we don't use tongues," he whispered back before covering my lips in his agan...


June 9, 2009:
My lips found his.
Only briefly.  I still can't believe it happened.  It was so soft -- so warm -- almost as if I were just kissing air.
I think I was the one who kissed him.  I think.  You can never tell.  All I know is that I absolutely loved it...


November 9, 2009:
...A moment's pause.  I said, "You look cuter without your glasses."
"I know."
Hahahah... He knows...
"Oh well,"

Then his lips hit mine.  His arm immediately went around my ow and his tongue immediately started exploring the edges of my mouth.  It happened so fast, so intense.  That was the part I remember the most.  The beginning.
His lips were soft, and the skin around them prickled gently against my own.  Suddenly I felt relaxed... So relaxed...


September 4, 2010:
I could feel his face... just a hair away from my lips.  His big nose was touchng mine.  I was afraid to open my eyes.  I knew I wouldn't like what I saw.
But our lips met anyway.
And I thought of nothing.


January 18, 2011:
He kissed me!  Last night!...
I gave him a close embrace and as we separated, he said "I want to kiss you."
He sounded like you when he said it.  Suddenly all the doubt I had about kissing him went out the door.  "You can if you want," I said.
And he did.  It was a very odd kiss.  I don't think he's kissed a girl before.  His lips stayed shut against mine, while mine had to open up around them.  We held that kiss for five seconds.  Then, our lips separated for a second and then back.  It was so sweet.  So clean and platonic and peaceful.


October 29, 2011:
"Are we really gonna do this?" I whined, but I didn't move away (Mistake #4).
"Yes," he said.  And that was when my willpower completely snapped and I was rubbing my lips against his.  Letting my tongue slip out against his teeth.
BIG MISTAKE #5.


May 4, 2012:
Yeah, I want him to kiss me.  So I let my face get really close to his and I let my arms rest on his shoulders.  He kissed me.  I hardly had to do anything.  His lips are perfect.  His kiss is divine.  He had never really kissed a girl before, but oh man, he's good at it.  Maybe it's all the movies... Or maybe he's just right for me...
We don't kiss for very long... I think he felt a little self-conscious.  Only after about ten seconds from when our lips first touched, he turned away with a sigh and said,  "Gaaa, I have no idea what I'm doing."
I smiled at his insecurity.  So cute.  I turned his head with my hand back toward my lips and this time I kissed him.  So satisfying...


28 October, 2012:
...At the time, all I was really thinking was this:  I want to kiss that man.  Bad.
So I pushed, and in a short while, he surrendered.  His lips reached for mine, and that's when the best car make-out of my life started.

June 16, 2013:
"Thank you.  Now I want to kiss you goodnight.  To show my gratitude."
He had kissed my cheek so many times, I thought nothing of leaning in for him to kiss my cheek... But I was surprised to find his lips touch mine.  Quite on purpose.  He was kissing me.  For real.


June 28, 2013:
"I'll make sure to speak more candidly next time..."
And that's when I did it.
It came out of nowhere.  I hardly even thought.  I just reached out, grabbed his shoulder, pulled him towards me, and our lips met.
It really was a perfect kiss...

I remember not being able to look at him at all, even as he spoke.  I looked past him at the blade-changing equipment shelf just beyond him.  And when I suddenly reached my arms out to his neck, I closed my eyes and they remained shut until it was all over.
It really was the best kiss ever.  It could not have gone more right.
Which, I think, means something.  It means things sometimes go a lot better if you don't overthink them.  I think this moment here was one of the few moments in my life when I totally acted impulsively.  I let my desires take charge and I hardly thought -- just enjoyed.
And, I can't emphasize this enough, the kiss was perfect.  It was a long, full kiss.  It felt RIGHT, from the first impact to the moment I randomly decided to stop.
I remember movement at the beginning.  From both of us.
He kissed me back...
It felt as natural as breathing..
I remember the movement subsided.  I let my lips just rest there on his.  Just sit and wait and enjoy.  And then suddenly it was over.

7 October, 2013:
"Would a kiss help?" he asked.
Holy frack.
My mind raced.  Yes?  No?
"Maybe?" I said.
And then he kissed me.  It was a very simple kiss.  I instinctively got more into it.  Most of my kissing has involved a bit more than just a simple peck.  I think it took him by surprise.  But honestly, I had hardly any time to THINK about this!  I just DID something.

You are Not My Universe

I am a woman.
I am a capable woman.  A daughter of God.
And I don't need to be told these things.

I don't want to be seen as a fallen angel.
Damaged goods.
Jaded and broken.

As much as you'd like to see me as a project
An opportunity.
I can't stand the thought of you pitying me.

I don't need pity.
I need love.
I don't need sorrow.
I need faith.

I want to be seen as an equal.
Or maybe even above.
I want to be revered.
Respected.

I want to be needed.
I want to be longed for.

I want your love to not be the cause of my happiness,
But the effect.

I want our love to be a product of righteous living.
Not because I need you in order to be righteous.

When you say I'm beautiful,
Gorgeous,
Talented,
Good...
I want you to know that I already know these things.

I want to be deserved.
I want to deserve.

I don't want to need you.
I want to be needed.
Just for once.

I don't want to beg for your attention.
I don't want to waste away without you.
I don't want to depend on you.
I don't want to depend on anyone.

I don't want to be filled with holes so that you can fill them.
I want to be complete on my own.
And I want you to be complete.
So that together we are doubly complete.
Like a cup running o'er.
Not just filling minimum requirement.
But going above and beyond.
Enhancing life.
Not just making life bearable.

I want you to know that I am a champion.
I want you to know that I have faith in myself.
I wish you never had to see my insecurities.
I wish you never had to see my flaws.

Don't be my hero.
I don't need saving.

Don't be my beacon.
I have my own light.

Don't be my Savior.
I already have one.

Fiji Water

Once upon a time, I went to High School.  I had crushes on many boys, but for a while I had a thing for this kid named Grant who sat in front of me in English class.  His birthday was 3 days before mine, and he played  lots of sports.  He had big blue eyes and a kind smile.  I would use every possible excuse to talk to him.

Near the beginning of the year, my mom indulged herself while shopping and got a pack of really fancy Fiji water bottles.  The bottles themselves were square.  Of course the water inside didn't last very long.  I brought my bottle, unopened, to school and I decided to crack it open during English class.  As I sipped, Grant looked behind, saw what I was drinking, and said, "Hey! I've heard about that Fiji stuff!  Mind if I had a sip?"

Of course, I couldn't say no, so I handed him my bottle and he very carefully let a few teaspoons of water flow out of the bottle and between his lips without them touching each other.  His eyes were on me as he did so.  When he finished, he gave me back the bottle and said, "That's good stuff! Much better than regular water!"

These Fiji water bottles were very durable, so mom thought it would be a good idea for me to re-use them and just fill them up again with water from the tap.  During school, I would finish a bottle and then refill it at a drinking fountain.  During English class one day, I left my bottle on the table and Grant turned and grabbed it without asking for my permission.  He brought the bottle to his lips, swallowed a few gulps, and then closed it up again with a satisfying sigh.

"Yep," he said. "There's definitely a difference."

To this day, he does not know that what he drank wasn't Fiji, but tap water from the fountain down the hall.

Contradiction: A Silly Poem by Me.

You know, I don't get that upset
When I meet a cute boy one day,
And within moments after we've met
He says the words "I'm Gay."
It's funny. You would think that I'd
Be torn apart, frustrated.
You'd think that I'd be dying inside
Because there's no chance I'd be dated.

You'd think I'd pine, that I'd cry and I'd whine
That such a gem could not be mine.
You'd think I'd make a big ol' fuss
At the notion that there would be no "us."

But surprisingly I feel no grief.
No envy, no resentment.
In fact, I almost feel relief,
And -- dare I say? -- contentment!

I know now what he's looking for.
I know just what he'll choose.
I have no chance! He's closed the door.
And now I have nothing to lose.
I'm totally fine if he's dating another
Even when he's the man of my dreams.
I'm fine seeing him as a friend or a brother.
You don't see me wish he'd change teams.

With gays, I don't feel any stings.
Cuz he just can't help the way he swings.
I don't feel the need to beg or to chase
A guy who finds love in a VERY different place.
It's like he's on a different pole.
It's out of my control.
I don't know why I feel that way...
When the guy is gay.

Now, let's go to a scene I hate:
I meet this awesome guy.
Turns out he's straight, and we go on a date
He gives me a college try.
My heart is in a happy whirl.
I'm thinking he's the one.
But then he finds another girl.
And so he says it's done.

And then -- oh gee! -- it's like World War Three!
My heart feels so much ache!
I do all I can. I beg and plea:
"You've made a big mistake!"

My grief is so great
When the guy is straight!

I just don't get the difference.
This reas'ning seems more clear:
To pine for any just doesn't make sense.
Whether he be straight or queer.

So now I find myself asking why
My heart needs so much healing.
I forgive a gay man, but not a straight guy.
Even though both can't help what they're feeling!

So when he's looking for love in a lady fair,
And he manages to spot it...
(Could be her smile, could be her hair --
Whatever it is, I don't got it.)

I can't complain. The two belong.
It's pointless to put up a fight.
It's not like I've done something wrong.
It's just I wasn't right.

When I don't have what another needs.
There's nothing left to stay for.
It's nothing that I said or did.
She's just the one he's gay for.
:D

THE END

Scars/To the New Boyfriend

I really want to post this in more places, but it hits so close to home and I know that people will tell me I shouldn't post this so early after things happened.  But man... It's like this guy took all of my feelings and presented them in a form more perfect than I can imagine.

So real.... It all felt so real.

I think God told me to look up some Slam Poetry today.

Listening to:  Josh Groban Christmas music from the distant downstairs.  Loving home.
Blessings:  Parents.  A's.  New sequin jackets.
Learned:  A little more about the terrible shooting that happened in a Connecticut Elementary School today.  There are some things I wish I could un-learn.
Things going on today:  NOTHING.  I'm gonna veg all day today.  And I'm loving it.

(Happier) New Year

Okay, 2012.  Time to stare you down and just accept the fact that you happened.

This was, by far, the hardest year I've ever had to endure in my 22 years of living.  Just for context, I believe a close second would be the year 2009.  It's not like life gets harder with each progressing year.  A lot of hard things happened this year:

1. I discover I have anxiety and depression.  I still need to be healed.  I've seen psychologists, but then when I start feeling better, I stop and then things get bad again.
2.  I get dumped three times in one year -- and they were hard rejections.  That was probably the hardest part of this year.  Trying to pick up pieces after a two-year-long relationship that had a ton of issues in the first place is something I would never wish on anyone.  I remember crying every night for two weeks straight and feeling so sick I vomited.  Then there were two one-month spells that began great, but crashed and burned for no explainable reasons.  I'm still not over any of it.  I still wonder what the heck is wrong with me.  Heck, I'm still here mourning over ones that got away years ago.  Two of my exes are now happily married.  I very well could have been the bride at one of them.  Don't know what you got 'til it's gone, I guess.  Ugh. Regret.  What a bitter feeling...
3. I lost my three best friends in a matter of days.  I'm pretty sure I wouldn't still be standing today if it weren't for them.  But the minute I get back from Cali, they're gone.  Moving.  Leaving me alone.  Suddenly I found myself living on my own at a vulnerable time and that was really tough. Sleeping in a silent apartment with depression for two months was hell.
4. Sometime during that period, I develop an eating disorder.  That's never fun to go through, much less to simply admit.
5.  I have been in school for over a year straight.  That's a little crazy.  Sure, I had some small vacation moments, but really, this whole year has been about buckling down and getting back on track with graduation.  I'm technically "caught up" now, but having a 5-year undergrad still isn't great.  How I managed to get through five semesters straight without stopping is beyond me.  Perhaps it was my refuge.  Just one sight-singing assignment, one lesson plan, one practice hour at a time.  That will get me through the pain...

BUT... 

... with all this grief and hardship and strenuous work, I MUST analyze my successes.  And there are quite a few of them.  I forget sometimes when times are tough how blessed I am -- and how capable I am!  Check out this list:

1.  4.0, baby!  Not joking, it always feels good looking at your report card after a hard semester and seeing A after beautiful A looking back at me.  My shrink says it's a crutch, but at least it's one that will give me good standing for grad school.  Really, I'm just happy that I have mastery over something in my life.
2.  I got to go to California to see my wonderful old roommate get married to the man of her dreams.  To be a part of a wedding party -- to be picked! -- is such an awesome feeling.  I got to help make someone else really happy, and I got to get out of Provo on top of that.  San Diego was beautiful.  I got to wear some of my favorite dresses and there are some awesome pictures of me up on Facebook now.
3.  I also got to make a visit to my dear home in Minnesota at the end of the summer.  That was a much-needed break.  It got me away from my boy troubles and I got to spend a lot of quality time with my family.  Then there was the awesome road trip back to Utah with my mom and sister.
4.  Heck, I got a car this year.  That's awesome right there.
5.  I also moved this year.  Just at the very tail end, a few days ago.  I'm living with my grandparents now.  No rent.  New ward.  Own room.  Awesome company.  I needed to get out of that old apartment so bad.  There were just too many memories attached to that old place.  And having to pay such an exorbitant price every month was burning a hole in my wallet.  Now, I feel free and safe.  This is good.
6.  BYU Singers.  As much as I am not enjoying going these days, I really do think this has been a blessing for me.  Again -- getting picked.  I was selected to be in this amazing choir because I earned it.  That's always a wonderful feeling.  And I have made friends!  My alto friends, some boys, and of course Dr. Staheli.  I don't know what I would do without him.
7.  When it comes to my relationships... In a way, I'm pretty excited about them.  Yeah, they didn't last, but heck, I got them in the first place! It was a great month of May.  And an even great month of November. It's funny:  Every man I've ever really wanted, I've gotten... At least, for a short while.  And I pick'em better every time.  As much as I wish things worked out, it's still nice looking at this guy or that and be able to say to myself, yeah I DID kiss that face.  And it kissed me back.  Makes me feel dang sexy.  If I can get my idea of superman not once but twice in one year, I can do it again!  And next time, I won't be as stupid.  Next time, it will be for keeps.  For good.  Eternity, maybe.
8.  I have not worn the same outfit once all year.  I almost have had enough clothes to wear something different each day.  I also acquired two suits, two wigs, Fame, and Juicy Couture this year for nearly nothing.  My clothing and my matrix have really seen an upgrade this year.
9.  I was in an opera.  That's pretty important.  It led to a pretty worthwhile relationship and a ton of other friendships that I hope last.
10.  I'm actually performing songs now.  I went to an open mic and that led to me performing at small restaurant venues this semester.  I've written a lot, too.  And finished a lot.  I've also helped out some friends of mine in their musical endeavors, which is a good thing.  Music has been such an important release.  I couldn't have survived a lot of my trials without it.
11.  Friends.  That's been the biggest blessing of my life.  The friends I've had.  Especially the friends I didn't know I had.  God puts people in your life for a reason.  I'll never forget the love and support I have felt this year from the people around me.

The most important lesson I think I learned this year is this:  I am worth it.  I'm worth the $80 Fame fragrance that I've always wanted.  I'm worth the awesome home teachers I've had.  I'm worth the 20 minutes of stage time I get to perform my originals at a sports bar.  I'm worth the late hours with Nyquil and chicken soup if I'm sick.  I'm worth the spot in BYU's top choir.  I'm worth more than a douchebag who doesn't respect me.  I'm worth more than an apartment that won't fix my swamp cooler.  I'm worth more than 200 calories a day.  I am of infinite worth, and for the longest time I have been selling myself short.  I've been settling for less than I deserve.  This is such an important revelation.  At first, this new discovery led me to believe that I deserved to treat other people badly and to not trust anyone.  It led me to be angry and bitter towards everyone who's treated me with disrespect.  But now, at the end of the year, with a few months of therapy, experience, and just plain time behind me, I think I'm moving back into balance with my life.  I can have high expectations of myself and others without being cold and vindictive towards myself or towards others.  I can take myself seriously... but not too seriously.  I think my New Years Resolution this year will be something along the lines of this:

I resolve to seek true happiness in my life.  And if I don't get it right away, I resolve to be happy anyway.  

And with that, I end my post on a joyful note.

Listening to:  My man Pitbull.  "Don't Stop the Party"
Blessings:  No school.  No work.  Trips to Minnesota.
Learned:  Alexander McQueen's 2004 and 2005 lines aren't nearly as dramatic and awesome as his earlier stuff.  However, his Fall 2005 season was based on the 1960's, particularly the iconic Marilyn Monroe.  That's become one of my favorite seasons.
Things Going On Today:  I go to a performance at Muse tonight.  Move all my stuff over.  Maybe stop at work for a short time.

I HAVE FOUND...

...that there may be a direct correlative relationship between my relationship status and the amount of time I spend looking up fashion shows on YouTube...

... And this means you'll probably be seeing about 17 hours worth of fashion-related posts in the coming weeks... 

Listening To: Courtney's alarm go off over and over again.

Things Going On Today:  First Sunday single.  Return and Report.  

Blessings:  Seven Peaks, trips to California at opportune times.

Learned:  What "yolo" means.  

Marriage vs. Cohabitation: A lesson on Faith

I like talking about relationships a lot, and I'm sorry.  It's just such an important part of my little Mormon life.

This is gonna be a deep post.  It touches on a concept I've struggled with for a very long time.

I knew a boy back in high school that I really, REALLY admired. We became good friends, but we didn't always see eye to eye on things.  One day, we were talking about sex before marriage. He said something that would fascinate me for years:

"I don't think I really know if I love someone until I see her naked."

Yes.  That was what he said.  He went on to explain his feelings a bit more, and what I got out of it was that you really need to know an entire person in order to really love them.  You can really like a person a lot, but if there's no physical attraction, you really can't have the ideal romantic relationship.

This statement irks me on so many levels, but it also has left me with a lot of confusion and it made me really think about what I believed in regards to marriage, relationships, and sex.

 To set the record straight, I think it is wrong -- nay, downright sinful -- to participate in physical intimacy outside the bonds of matrimony.  God has told us not to do it, and if you do do it, there will be consequences.  Some of them you can get out of with repentance, but some you can't.  If that belief offends anyone, I'm sorry.  But I care about what God wants more than what anyone here on earth wants.

I do not apologize for this belief in the slightest, but I know that there are reasons why people break this commandment.  For one thing, it's super hard.  I know. Staying chaste is one of the biggest challenges people can face. I'm not ignorant of the fact that those feelings and desires to engage in such activity exist.  God meant for them to exist.   It's not like murder or stealing because it really can be a good thing in the right circumstances.  Good Mormons have sex.  You're supposed to have it when you're married.  It strengthens the relationship, makes you feel good, allows you to have the joy of children...  So many good things!  And as an added problem, Satan knows the stakes are high, so he's really upped his ante in making the sin look irresistible.  Remaining a virgin until you are married is a big sacrifice when the rest of the world is pressuring you and looks down on you for it.  I'm not ashamed to say that I have had to make some serious, difficult sacrifices to keep myself chaste.

It is hard, but it is so possible, and it is so worth it.

Within the past couple of decades, society has come to accept this idea that couples can live together and engage in sexual activity without making the commitment to marriage.  Some couples manage to co-inhabit for years.  Sometimes they eventually do get married, sometimes they don't.  Sometimes they stick together til they die, sometimes they don't.  From what I've gathered, people who adopt this lifestyle have sort of the same attitude that my good friend from high school had.  "I really don't know if I want to marry them yet.  Maybe we should live together for some time and see how we feel in a year or two.  Let's 'test the waters' and figure out if we are sexually compatible.  I'm not ready to commit for good, but can't I at least enjoy the complete extent of our relationship while I do have feelings for this person?"

Now, I'm a logical person. When I heard Mr. High School Buddy explain this mindset to me, I thought it seemed pretty logical.  Marriage is a super important decision.  And, at least in the world I grew up in, marriage was for eternal keepsies.  You don't go back on marriage.  Once you marry someone, you're with them.  Divorce isn't an option, except in rare circumstances.  Before I make this HUGE decision, I'd like to do my homework and really get to know the person I'm planning on marrying.  If I don't, I could end up with someone I'm not really happy with, and then my life will be miserable.  I don't want my life to be miserable!  Maybe the test for physical compatibility isn't as far-fetched as my leaders make it sound.  Yeah, you shouldn't be having sex all over the place with just anyone. But what if you really do have legitimate feelings for someone, and you're at least willing to commit to them for a time, but you're still not sure if you're ready for forever?  Marriage seems like an awfully big risk if you don't even know if you will really love that person, inside and out, with and without their clothes on.

But of course, I can't deny that the revelation speaks otherwise.  Physical intimacy is meant for a man and a woman who are united under holy matrimony -- whether it be in the temple or otherwise.  You need to be married before you can have sex with a person.  It's super important that you do so.  I had a testimony of this fact, but I didn't quite know why it was that important.  And that little hole in the logic really got to me.  How can I really have a testimony of the Law of Chastity if I don't have any idea why it's important?  I suppose God tells us to do things without telling us why all the time, but this one seemed too big of a deal to go without any real reasoning behind it.  I prayed for answers, and I sort of lived on that prayer for years, vacillating between feelings of doubt and anxiety and feelings of hope that God would indeed answer my prayer someday.

Last week, at Institute, we talked a little about the Law of Chastity in a class called "Preparing for an Eternal Marriage."  There was a discussion about some of the customs that are accepted by worldly standards, but not God's standards.  Someone brought up the notion of non-marital co-habitation and I started having that battle with myself again...

But then it came to me:  Faith.  Faith is the answer to everything.

I think you can have faith in God, but you can also have faith in a marriage, because marriage is of God.  Maybe faith in marriage comes from having faith in God.  Either way, faith is the answer.  As we read in the scriptures, faith is the knowledge or hope of things not seen.  Faith can mean an expectation of something that will happen later in the future, or it can be the belief of something that currently exists but that is just not seen.  Faith is the opposite of fear.

I think people who choose to put off marriage while still enjoying its benefits are not acting out of faith, but out of fear.  They aren't willing to make the ultimate commitment because they fear that they will be making a mistake if they do.  I don't think God's plan is designed for people to fear.  We need to have faith.  We need to remember that God will always be with us in our marriages.  If you have faith, you have a hope that a relationship will work, even if there are unknowns.  If you have faith, you don't have any need to fear the future.  If you have faith in God, you know he will help you, even if things get rough down the road.  If you have faith in your marriage, you maintain a belief that it can work, even if you and your spouse aren't completely compatible in every way.  I believe, then, that marriage is the ultimate act of faith.  Marriage is committing to your belief that the marriage will work.  It's like saying, "I don't know what the future brings, but I believe that this can last forever.  And I'm going to give up my single life completely to co-exist with someone completely.  In sickness and in health, for better or for worse, for time and all eternity.

I'll keep using that "test the waters" analogy.  There is no need to test the waters if you have faith that the waters will be just fine.  More often than not, they will be.  People who get married usually have their relationships last longer than those who simply live together.  But what if the water isn't fine?  What if, three months later, you realize that the water's a little more frigid than you're comfortable with.  Maybe it's the sex, maybe it's just his nagging personality, or maybe you just feel like you've settled and you could have had better.  No matter what the issue is, there is a way to make the relationship work.  If you include God in your relationship through faith, God will give you a way for your relationship to work.  Maybe he'll heat up the water, or maybe he'll just help you change your attitude about it.  No matter what the issue, things get easier when you have faith that God will help you.

Now that I've learned this, I have a very different attitude toward that statement that my friend made long ago.  Not only do I believe it isn't true, I also find it to be rather insulting.  I can now imagine how I would feel if someone said that about me.  If a guy can't know he loves me without seeing me naked first, that means he has no faith in me and no faith in our relationship.  It means that the physical aspects of a relationship are the only things to him that matter in a marriage.  That's just stupid and shallow.  Marriage is much more than just the physical.  Yes, it's important, but once again, if you approach your marriage with the right attitude and with the right amount of faith, you can be happy with anyone in every aspect.  I don't think my friend will ever truly love someone if he approaches his relationships with that attitude.

So... bottom line.  There's no need to not get married yet if you have faith.  Faith is the answer to everything.  Faith is the way you can keep the Law of Chastity until the day you die.  With God, all things are possible, and all marriages are possible.

Listening to:  Candlelight Carol by BYU Women's Chorus
Things going on today:  A fireside, lots of homework.
Blessings:  Periods only come once a month, not once a week.
Learned:  Laughter can actually provide lots of ease from menstrual cramps.

A Lesson My Parents Probably Don't Know They Taught Me

Alright... Opposites.  I have seen tons of couples out there.  Some are made up of pretty similar people.  Others, it's like they're from different planets.  My own mom and dad are pretty opposite.  Mom is bubbly and social and very giving of herself.  Dad is quiet, reserved, and careful.  When mom is upset, she cries and blames herself.  When dad's upset, he yells and puts the blame on other people.  Mom likes to watch movies and go to plays and read books.  Dad does NONE of those things. He has no hobbies.  Hobbies are expensive.  Mom likes to treat herself to restaurants and new clothes.  Dad never likes to spend money, even if he's spending it on something completely worthwhile.  They even LOOK different.  Mom is tan and blonde and HAWT.  Dad is tall and dignified and would look good only according to eighteenth century nobility standards.  

My darling Parents.

I think a lot of their differing personality traits stem from very different pasts.  My mom, Wendy, grew up in a very active church family in Provo stinking Utah.  Provo was a college town, an established urban metropolis.  My Grandpa Gardner, even though he has Alzheimer's, still manages to find the energy to tell my Grandma Gardner how wonderful she is.  Every day.  Mom had two older sisters and three younger brothers.  Grandma G was a pianist and taught mom the importance of music and performing arts.  Grandpa was a very smart and successful man.  He worked at the University of Utah, served on the State Legislature, and worked with experiments that led to today's modern development in rocket science and computers.  The Gardner family could afford comforts for their large family, like the newest computer modems (with punch cards!), a nice grand piano, and a big house.  Mom was surrounded by members of the church, got tons of dates all growing up, and got a chance to study abroad in Europe during her short secondary education.  I'm not going to say my mom's life was easy, but as you'll see shortly, her lifestyle was very different from my father's. 

My Father, Erik, grew up in Burnsville, Minnesota, one of very few members of the church in a much smaller school in a sprouting country-turning-suburb.  Dad came from a part-member family and had an older brother and two much younger sisters.  The Johnsons were a poorer family.  Grandpa Harlan worked in a small business, and for a while had to work two jobs to keep his family living in the same home they began in.   Grandma D. also worked really hard, kind of putting together a DIY home out of what they already had.  Dad learned quickly that he, himself, would have to put in a lot of effort in order to be successful.  He ended up getting a Master's Degree and joining the family business. Grandpa Harlan is Catholic.  Grandma Doro grew up in the church, but she herself was from a part-member family and took sort of an apathetic approach to governing her children's spiritual lives.  Dad and his older brother Ty sort of had to find testimonies on their own, and weren't given any support by their peers or parents. Grandma Doro and Grandpa Harlan are like the opposite of my Gardner Grandparents.  In my dad's teenage years, they ended up getting a divorce, and it was in no way pleasant for anyone. Even when it happens later on in a person's youth, the experience of divorce is one that can alter your life forever.

So, when two completely different worlds combine, there are bound to be some adjustments you have to make.  My Dad was a little put off by how outgoing and "Mormon" my mother is.  To this day, Dad still teases her about how she bursts into impromptu song and dance at the most unnecessary of moments. 

A big thing my Dad had to learn is that my mom is a Words Person.  She expects to be TOLD -- not just SHOWN -- how much she is loved.  Remember, Grandpa Gardner was a words guy.  He tells everyone how much he loves my Grandma and how proud he is of his kids.  Dad isn't much of a words guy.  Grandpa Harlan wasn't a words guy.  Harlan showed his love by going out and working as a school janitor for a second evening job to provide for his family.  I'm sure Grandpa loved his kids, even with the divorce and everything, but he just wasn't the mushy-"I-love-you"-type.  So Dad learned not to rely on that kind of communication.  When he met my mom, he had to CONSCIOUSLY RESOLVE to tell her he loved her every day, because he found out very quickly that it was something she was used to.  And it wasn't just words.  Mom likes gifts.  She likes getting jewelry, flowers, fancy restaurant dates, and vacations to all places tropical.  I'm positive that my father thinks those things are a complete waste of money, but because he loves her, he uses his precious, hard-earned money to her stuff like that all the time. (My favorite gift: A trip for her to see Daughtry in concert last summer.  The card said, "Dear Wendy, please find someone else to go to this concert with you. Love Erik.") 

In my own childhood, I remember often thinking that my father didn't love me.  He didn't ever give me a lot of praise or verbal affirmation, and he often had trouble communicating his feelings to me in a "loving" way when he was disappointed with me.  He also wasn't home as much as I probably would have liked.  BUT, now that I'm older, I can see all of the things my Dad HAS done for me because he loves me.  He's worked hard, sacrificed a lot of time and money, and he's stepped quite a bit out of his comfort zone to give me the praise and verbal affection that I so greatly desire.  I've learned from my Dad that we need to be aware of ALL of the things our family does for us, even if they aren't what we find obvious.

I'm sure mom feels it too.  Sometimes I would come home and the house would be a mess.  I remember seeing my mother, almost in tears, hurrying to try and get dinner made while at the same time trying to tidy up the kitchen.  "Please help clean up!" she would say.  "I don't want your Dad to come home from work tonight to such a messy house!"  You see, while my Mom is a words person, she is NOT as much of a service person.  She must make a CONSCIOUS EFFORT to do things for my Dad that he would appreciate. Things like cleaning the house, making dinner, and not spending too much money when she goes to Target Some of those things are outside her comfort zone, but she does them anyway because she loves her husband. 

I'm a lot like my mother.  I like words and gifts and quality time.  I always thought that I would want to only date guys who would satisfy those needs.  Guys who would express their feelings verbally all the time, guys who would be as emotionally charged as I am and express their passions the same way I do.  Some of the men I've dated have showered me with praise, given me wonderful gifts, and have invested a great deal of time on me.  But others, including my current boyfriend, don't speak those love languages as well.  My boyfriend is wonderful.  He's so humble and patient and accepting of me.  He reminds me a lot of my Dad.  He, too, is quiet, reserved, and careful.  There are days when I get frustrated at him because he doesn't express his feelings for me in those specific ways that I particularly appreciate.  But then I remember the things he DOES do.  He puts off homework for me all the time.  He asks for my advice.  He listens to me.  He buys me Slurpees. And he, like my father, has done a lot of stepping out of his comfort zone.  He's holds my hand in public.  He  tells me what's on his mind.  And he's learning about my needs and he's changing for them.  No doubt, we'll have a few periods in our relationship where we will disagree and we'll have to explain each other's expectations, but we've already been through enough for me to feel like this, too, shall pass.  

I've always liked this picture.  Check out that girl's socks. 

I think about my parents' relationship a lot, now that I'm dating myself.  I know not every couple is going to be exactly the same, but I do feel like my parents have taught me correct principles of patience, understanding, and sacrifice.  Despite what the fairy tales say, love ain't a picnic.  There is a ton of work involved.  They say opposites attract, and it's true some couples seem like opposites.  But really, if you think about it, there's always going to be something "opposite" about the person you are dating.  No one is exactly like you.  No one is exactly like your spouse, either.  And that's okay.  In fact, it's probably very helpful.  If you both have exactly the same "love language" and expectations, you aren't really learning anything new about each other.  What if my boyfriend and I were both only service people, who never really expressed affection verbally, or even expected the other to do it.  One day, if I get married and have a child, that child will have his own personality and agency.  Maybe HE'LL need verbal attention.  If anything, my differences from my boyfriend teach me how to show love in a variety of ways.  That's valuable.  

I have a theory:  Love is a willingness to put one's needs and desires first.  Love of yourself is a willingness to put your wants, as well as your needs, in the foreground, while love of others requires you to forsake some of those wants and maybe even rethink and adjust your needs.  A healthy relationship involves love of yourself as well as love of your partner.  Your partner must also love you as well as him/herself.  Ideal love is a balance of these four different states of feeling between two people.  When looking for a spouse, it is important to consider if you both can even come close to maintaining that balance with each other.  My parents have it down to an art, and they set a high standard for me to pursue.  I have faith that I can do it. 

Listening to:  My dear Women's Chorus singing a version of "True Colors."

Things going on today:  Break the Fast, doing ALL the homework.

Blessings:  ...........................................tampons.......................................... (forgive me.)

Learned:  Captain Kirk was on the original series of Star Trek.  Picard was on the Next Generation Series.  I can feel myself getting nerdier by the minute.  

"Holy Toledo..."

"I have a girlfriend."

Oh, Kevin, I now understand your sentiments!

Listening to:  Beez in the Trap by Nicki Minaj

Learned:  Movement from a Neapolitan sixth chord to a I6/4 is harder than it looks.  You must avoid creating a perfect fifth in the Neapolitan, or else it will move in parallel fifths to the second-inversion I chord, and that's bad.

Things Going on today:  First day of English diction.

Blessings:  Boyfriends, cell phones, one-hour classes. 

My Official Statement Regarding Holding Hands

I'm sorry to gruel my readers with another post about romance, but it's something I've been thinking a lot about lately and I sort of feel strongly about this...  I live in the land of Mormanity.  Couples -- dating, engaged, married, whatever -- are EVERYWHERE.  And casual PDA is rampant and pretty much acceptable in our society.  Everyone's got their beef about what is appropriate and what is not.  I thought I'd get my two cents in.

I have said for a long time that a couple should not hold hands until they are ACTUALLY a couple.  I still stand by that rule over all.  If I see two people holding hands in a public place -- while walking down the street or while sitting together in sacrament meeting -- I'd like to be able to safely assume that those two people are an item.  I think holding hands is sort of a statement of ownership of a relationship.  It's as if you're saying "This one is MINE, see?  We're holding hands and stuff."  I mean, why else would you do something as arbitrary and ridiculous as hold another person's hand?  It's so pointless!  You're now down one hand that you can use for other things... like maybe holding books or carrying groceries, or maybe even touching a more significant body part.  The way I see it, holding hands is something you do for other people, not just your spouse or significant other.  It's a public gesture used to express more private feelings.

But I'm learning not to jump too quickly to that conclusion, because it turns out that holding hands may not be as grand of a statement of affection as people might think.  Nor is it only for the sake of other people.

I've had my hand held before, and while at times, it has been sort of this proclamation to the world that we are now officially TOGETHER, there have been times when I've held a person's hand and no one has been there to witness it.  If holding hands is simply an act of PDA, why does this happen?  Why do we hold hands when no one is watching?

I've discovered the reason why I hold someone's hand:  I want that person to know he is special.  Maybe we aren't a facebook-official couple, yet.  Maybe we never will be.  But in a moment of closeness and, well, rightness, I feel like I should hold a person's hand, regardless.  He's someone I care about in particular, above others.  He's important.  Our relationship is important.  Holding one's hand is a platonic, simple, and powerful gesture that shows feelings of particular affection and a desire for further intimacy.

Aren't there times when you feel you just HAVE to touch someone?  It doesn't matter how much, you just need to have some level of physical contact with another person or you just might die.  Holding hands can relieve that tension you feel.  You're always touching when you're holding hands.  And, let's be honest, you have to make a pretty sincere effort to STOP holding someone's hand once you've started.  When your fingers are intertwined with someone else's, some considerable effort is required to unlace your fingers from the other's grasp.

There is something physically stirring about getting your hand held.  The hand is one of the most sensitive parts of the body.  The palm is vulnerable, thin, and soft.  And the fingertips can move in the most subtle gestures and pick up the body's tiniest movements.  Hands are nice things to play with, and they fit so well together.  I, myself, have the tiniest hands, and when a man's bigger hands clutch at mine, I feel like I am protected and surrounded by good things.  At least, my hand feels thatway.  Have you ever compared a man's hand to a woman's hand?  My fingers are so small and delicate, compared to those of a man.  The holding of hands is almost like the merging of two very positive forces in nature:  the masculine and the feminine.

Alright, I think I'm done with my holding-hand monologue.  The bottom line is I have come to appreciate this gesture a little bit more than I used to.  I realize now that holding hands sends just as powerful of a message within the couple as it does without.

And with that...  A song!

More songs about holding hands:

"Hold my Hand" by Hootie and the Blowfish (LOVE this song.)  

"Oh It Is Love" by Hellogoodbye

Listening to:  "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton

Blessings:  Rain.

Things Going On Today:  No Diction Lab!

Learned:  The Beatles were around in 1967.  Wow.  That was a long time ago.    

My New Philosophy on What it Means to Be In Love

Love: The Universal Language

I read somewhere that the Sanskrit language has over ninety words for the word "love."  In American Sign Language, there are at least three different signs for the word "love."  I'm curious as to why the English language, which has such a broad vocabulary, still only has that one word: Love. Love really is a difficult word to define.  The kind of love you can have for a spouse is very different than the kind of love you have for your child, for your dog, for you favorite food, or for your Heavenly Father.  I sometimes think of love as this giant disco ball, with thousands of little facets that send thousands of independent beams of light on the surrounding area.  Sometimes I find myself asking the question, "Do I really love this person?  If I do, how do I know?"  Things especially get complicated when dealing with romantic love.  "Am I really in love with him, or is this just a fleeting feeling of lust or infatuation?  Can I really see myself spending an entire rest of my life with this one guy, or do I not love him enough for that?"  I am positive that others out there have felt the same confusion.

Swans:  They mate for life.

There is one aspect of romantic love, however, that I think I've gotten a handle on.

When you read a book or watch a movie, or even talk to other married couples, you often hear the phrase "falling in love."  I have always been under the impression that "falling in love" with someone was something fundamentally different than just "loving someone."  That being "in love" was a whole 'nother kind of love altogether -- another facet on that giant disco-ball.  I still maintain that argument.  Being "in love" with someone has its own place on the grand spectrum of human emotion.

However, I don't believe being "in love" is all it's cracked up to be.  I believe you can fall in love more often than just once or twice in your life.  Falling in love is pretty easy.  I think it's just as easy to fall in love as it is to fall into anything else.  Falling into debt, falling into a rain puddle, falling asleep -- to fall is a natural process because gravity exists.  So, while love doesn't really have anything to do with gravity, it does have to do with the natural desire of all human beings to not live this life alone.  No man is an island.  We are social creatures.  We all want to BE with someone else.  EXIST as a unified whole rather than just a lonely part.  So when you suddenly find yourself emotionally careening off a cliff because someone has suddenly shown up on the scene, you've fallen in love.  Happens to everybody.

I still don't entirely know.

I do not mean, however, to debase or cheapen this emotion.  Being in love is definitely a big deal. What differentiates the feeling of "in-loveness" from other, more petty emotions like lust, infatuation, or just "liking" someone is a matter of great importance.  When you are in love with someone, I believe that the way you see that someone deeply changes.  When you are in love, you don't just see that someone as just a simple human being anymore.  Being in love has the power to transform a regular, everyday person into a Godlike figure in your life.  Nothing -- nothing -- is wrong with him.  Others may bring up his faults and his shortcomings, but to you, he is perfection in human form. Suddenly, this person is incapable of making mistakes.  He's put up on a high pedestal of the ideal that all other layfolk can only dream to become.  This person becomes the epitome -- the encapsulation -- of everything in your life that makes you happy.  Even if he's got a huge nose, it is the most beautiful nose you have ever seen in your life. If he likes baseball, then there MUST be a good reason for it.  Often, the feelings of being in love are accompanied with feelings of submission, tolerance, even unworthiness.  You put your desires and beliefs on hold to cater to his, because he is everything that is good and right and perfect.

The delicate condition of In Love

Now, ideally, this really isn't a bad thing to feel about a person.  It's good to see the good in people, and it's definitely good to consider and accept the values and opinions of another human being.  When my mom married my dad, she had to sacrifice a lot of things for him, but for her it was all worth it because she was in love with him.  Yes, there are times when these feelings can get out of control and you have no personal autonomy of your own, but that's a different discussion.  My main point is:  When you are in love with someone, you become blinded to that person's weaknesses and foibles and see only perfection in that person. I think this happens to people all the time, whether they are aware of it or not.  Even if they do realize that the item of their affections has a flaw, people who are in love simply gloss over that flaw and either pretend it isn't there or they don't think it's important.

Now that's all well and good -- in the beginning.  But I truly believe that you cannot hope to maintain a lasting relationship like a marriage if all you ever feel for someone is "in-loveness."  I have already said that it is very easy to fall in love.  I also argue that is it equally as easy to fall out of love with a person.  Let me explain.

People who are in love live in a fantasy.  It sounds harsh, but think about it.  They believe in a person that doesn't really exist.  There is no perfect human being in this world.  Everyone makes mistakes, big or small.  And because we all make mistakes, there are such things as pride, anger, hurt, misunderstanding, depression, and even abuse.  In the world of In Love, such feelings cannot be tolerated.  In the world of In Love, a person can only yield feelings of happiness.  The person is perfection and cannot be anything otherwise.  If negative feelings begin to grow, something must be wrong and there goes the In Love.  Now we are in the land of Out of Love in the blink of an eye.  We see it all the time these days.  Couples who looked so happy on their wedding day end up divorced or separated in a matter of months, simply because they fell Out of Love with each other.  I predict that these couples start having problems when these other emotions -- pride, anger, and selfishness being the big ones -- start to enter into their perfect equation of happiness.  It's like they are living in a delicate little bubble, and with the slightest faulty move, the bubble pops and there is nothing left. Then they come to the horrid realization that their spouse (*gasp*) ISN'T PERFECT.  Those flaws and mistakes and weaknesses then stick out like huge wine stains on the white fabric of the relationship, and that's all they end up seeing.  There is no other form of love there to keep the relationship alive, so it dies.

This is not a good place to wear your heart.

I, myself, have fallen in love at least four times.  The first time I could safely say I was "in love" with someone was back in high school, when I met a guy in theater.  He was a year older than me, had a beard on his chin and crooked teeth, and he eventually became one of my closest friends.  I wasn't in love with him right away -- I do think you have to substantially get to know someone before you can safely say you are in love with them -- but as time progressed, I realized that this guy was not all that I imagined him to be.  He was pompous, rude, and disrespectful towards my core values and beliefs.  For a while, I thought maybe he was right.  After all, if he was PERFECT to me; how could I disagree with what he said?  But my self-deception did not last long, and soon I broke.  I felt angry, confused, and very very lonely.

It happened to me again -- this time at an even bigger extreme -- during my sophomore year of college.  I realized I was in love with someone very early on, and I let that In Love feeling run wild on me.  I was already imagining our wedding and how many kids we would have and what a perfect life we would lead within months of just knowing -- not dating, just knowing -- him.  But all my fantasies and dreams completely CRASHED when he made a big enough of a mistake for him to be sent home from a mission.  For a long time, I justified it.  I said, "This guy is different.  He's special.  I can forgive him. It's not that big of a deal."  But the mistake left a huge hole in my perfect world that was just too large to ignore, and eventually I cracked again.  I didn't want to admit that I no longer felt the same way I did before, but could not hide my anger or disappointment.  In time, I realized that there was something missing from my feelings for him that needed to be there in order for our relationship to survive. I had been in love... but that was it.

Life ain't just a walk on the beach.

That's the sad truth.  Being "in love," as I have heard it described, is not enough to make a marriage.  It's not enough to make a family.  It only results in a short-lived fantasy happiness which usually ends in heartbreak if not founded and stabilized by another, more enduring emotion.

And what is that emotion?  You could call it love.  But as we have already seen, that word can mean so many things. It took a while for me to find a fitting term, but I finally decided on the word DEVOTION to describe this emotion I am referring to.

DEVOTION, as defined in the Oxford Dictionary, is a feeling of love, loyalty, or enthusiasm for someone.  Often, it is seen in a religious context.  Now, I don't mean to say that we should worship the person we love, but I do detect a sense of lasting allegiance that can easily be tied to the way we DEVOTE ourselves to God, even in trial and adversity.  DEVOTION transcends disappointment and failure.  It extends itself beyond the feelings of simply tolerating a person.  Along with the need to not be alone in this world, I think all human beings also have an inherent desire to find something that lasts.  DEVOTION LASTS.  

DEVOTION requires faith.  Faith that even though things are hard and your spouse isn't perfect, that you'll still get through it and there will be blessings in the end.  Faith, as many of us know, is the belief in something hoped for, but not seen -- at least, not immediately seen.  Faith is built on the principle of patience, trust, and longsuffering.  If you take a look at any relationship that has really worked, you will see these things.  I guarantee that.  If being In Love is a bubble, then DEVOTION is a rock. Instead of living (dare I include another Mormon reference?) on SAND, these couples live on a firm foundation.  They have accepted the fact that their marriage will not be perfect.  In fact, there will be days when they will downright piss each other off.  A wife may wake up one day, turn to face her husband sleeping next to her, and seriously wonder, "Why the heck did I marry this guy?"  But the faith and DEVOTION will still be there, deep in the core of her soul, and it won't be moved.  It's like the deep strong undertow while the weaker waves crash on the surface.  It's okay to be angry.  It's okay to make mistakes.  It's okay to not be perfect.  Being In Love is great.  But there must -- must -- be more than that when you decide to get married.  Love is not easy.  But DEVOTION makes it possible.

Don't have a hard heart, but build a firm foundation.

I don't think I have yet felt this way about anyone.

I don't really know how this is going to apply in my life, yet, but I do know that I have become more aware of my own feelings as I have developed this whole philosophy, and it has changed the way I feel about other people.  I guess I've become more accepting of myself when I do fall in love with people, because now I know that that's not the end of the journey.  I suppose that means I can invest in someone a lot less if it's just this In-Loveness and nothing more.  And if I fall out of love, that's okay, too.  No need to make a big deal over such a simple feeling.

I also resolve to find someone out there that I can find myself falling in love with again and again and again.  My mom and dad have that down to a science.  When the spark begins to fade, they go on a romantic date, or one of them does something nice for the other, or they take some time to just be together, and that gets the fires of passion and In-Loveness burning once again.  I would highly suggest that all married couples continue to date, even though the courtship process is over.  Maybe that's easier said than done.  I don't know, I'm not married.

BUT... when I do run into someone that will stick around for a while, I can start building the foundation of DEVOTION right away. Brick by brick, date by date, experience by experience, the two of us can create something that lasts forever.  Isn't this the main goal?

Listening to:  "Once I thought" by Aaron Copland
Things going on today:  Ward Prayer.  Homework.
Blessings:  A great sacrament meeting talk, a good long nap.
Learned:  The word anangalekha in Sanskrit means "love letter."