I wrote some Journals in Junior High...

...and I called them Heart and Amy.  Their contents span from Summer of 2004 to Spring 2005.  The interesting thing about this journal was how I signed my name after each entry.  Sometimes I signed them as "Hannah" or "Hannah Johnson," but sometimes things got interesting. Here are all of the names I signed at the end of Heart's journal entries:

• Hannah
• Broken-hearted in Burnsville
• Annie McNeal
• Winona
• Aaron-less Annie
• Zahn the Electric Warrior
• Clay-Crazy in Burnsville
• Claymate
• Zahn
• Ben-Crazy
• Hannah: But why?
• Hanna
• Hannah Johnson AKA ANTI-Overachiever
• Hannah Johnson
• Hannah Mark-less
• Aubrey/Amy Wannabe
• "Christine I Love You" CRAZY! Hannah
• Paulbegone
• Mother-Abbess-to-be
• Hannah Jarett Lover
• Claymate (Hannah)
• Non-poser (I hope.)
• Hannah <3's Mark
• Hyde Lover
• A very upset, depressed, and angry person who loved you. I loved you.
• Furious Hannah who hates Mark and economics!
• Lillian Helena Hannah Johnson (my name)

There are other things interesting about this journal.  I will list them: 

Listening to: "Kidney Now!"

Learned: How to make blondies!

Blessings: Free bananas and discounted blinker-light repair.

Things going on: Work, celebration of a birthday, and car shopped.  

(Happier) New Year

Okay, 2012.  Time to stare you down and just accept the fact that you happened.

This was, by far, the hardest year I've ever had to endure in my 22 years of living.  Just for context, I believe a close second would be the year 2009.  It's not like life gets harder with each progressing year.  A lot of hard things happened this year:

1. I discover I have anxiety and depression.  I still need to be healed.  I've seen psychologists, but then when I start feeling better, I stop and then things get bad again.
2.  I get dumped three times in one year -- and they were hard rejections.  That was probably the hardest part of this year.  Trying to pick up pieces after a two-year-long relationship that had a ton of issues in the first place is something I would never wish on anyone.  I remember crying every night for two weeks straight and feeling so sick I vomited.  Then there were two one-month spells that began great, but crashed and burned for no explainable reasons.  I'm still not over any of it.  I still wonder what the heck is wrong with me.  Heck, I'm still here mourning over ones that got away years ago.  Two of my exes are now happily married.  I very well could have been the bride at one of them.  Don't know what you got 'til it's gone, I guess.  Ugh. Regret.  What a bitter feeling...
3. I lost my three best friends in a matter of days.  I'm pretty sure I wouldn't still be standing today if it weren't for them.  But the minute I get back from Cali, they're gone.  Moving.  Leaving me alone.  Suddenly I found myself living on my own at a vulnerable time and that was really tough. Sleeping in a silent apartment with depression for two months was hell.
4. Sometime during that period, I develop an eating disorder.  That's never fun to go through, much less to simply admit.
5.  I have been in school for over a year straight.  That's a little crazy.  Sure, I had some small vacation moments, but really, this whole year has been about buckling down and getting back on track with graduation.  I'm technically "caught up" now, but having a 5-year undergrad still isn't great.  How I managed to get through five semesters straight without stopping is beyond me.  Perhaps it was my refuge.  Just one sight-singing assignment, one lesson plan, one practice hour at a time.  That will get me through the pain...

BUT... 

... with all this grief and hardship and strenuous work, I MUST analyze my successes.  And there are quite a few of them.  I forget sometimes when times are tough how blessed I am -- and how capable I am!  Check out this list:

1.  4.0, baby!  Not joking, it always feels good looking at your report card after a hard semester and seeing A after beautiful A looking back at me.  My shrink says it's a crutch, but at least it's one that will give me good standing for grad school.  Really, I'm just happy that I have mastery over something in my life.
2.  I got to go to California to see my wonderful old roommate get married to the man of her dreams.  To be a part of a wedding party -- to be picked! -- is such an awesome feeling.  I got to help make someone else really happy, and I got to get out of Provo on top of that.  San Diego was beautiful.  I got to wear some of my favorite dresses and there are some awesome pictures of me up on Facebook now.
3.  I also got to make a visit to my dear home in Minnesota at the end of the summer.  That was a much-needed break.  It got me away from my boy troubles and I got to spend a lot of quality time with my family.  Then there was the awesome road trip back to Utah with my mom and sister.
4.  Heck, I got a car this year.  That's awesome right there.
5.  I also moved this year.  Just at the very tail end, a few days ago.  I'm living with my grandparents now.  No rent.  New ward.  Own room.  Awesome company.  I needed to get out of that old apartment so bad.  There were just too many memories attached to that old place.  And having to pay such an exorbitant price every month was burning a hole in my wallet.  Now, I feel free and safe.  This is good.
6.  BYU Singers.  As much as I am not enjoying going these days, I really do think this has been a blessing for me.  Again -- getting picked.  I was selected to be in this amazing choir because I earned it.  That's always a wonderful feeling.  And I have made friends!  My alto friends, some boys, and of course Dr. Staheli.  I don't know what I would do without him.
7.  When it comes to my relationships... In a way, I'm pretty excited about them.  Yeah, they didn't last, but heck, I got them in the first place! It was a great month of May.  And an even great month of November. It's funny:  Every man I've ever really wanted, I've gotten... At least, for a short while.  And I pick'em better every time.  As much as I wish things worked out, it's still nice looking at this guy or that and be able to say to myself, yeah I DID kiss that face.  And it kissed me back.  Makes me feel dang sexy.  If I can get my idea of superman not once but twice in one year, I can do it again!  And next time, I won't be as stupid.  Next time, it will be for keeps.  For good.  Eternity, maybe.
8.  I have not worn the same outfit once all year.  I almost have had enough clothes to wear something different each day.  I also acquired two suits, two wigs, Fame, and Juicy Couture this year for nearly nothing.  My clothing and my matrix have really seen an upgrade this year.
9.  I was in an opera.  That's pretty important.  It led to a pretty worthwhile relationship and a ton of other friendships that I hope last.
10.  I'm actually performing songs now.  I went to an open mic and that led to me performing at small restaurant venues this semester.  I've written a lot, too.  And finished a lot.  I've also helped out some friends of mine in their musical endeavors, which is a good thing.  Music has been such an important release.  I couldn't have survived a lot of my trials without it.
11.  Friends.  That's been the biggest blessing of my life.  The friends I've had.  Especially the friends I didn't know I had.  God puts people in your life for a reason.  I'll never forget the love and support I have felt this year from the people around me.

The most important lesson I think I learned this year is this:  I am worth it.  I'm worth the $80 Fame fragrance that I've always wanted.  I'm worth the awesome home teachers I've had.  I'm worth the 20 minutes of stage time I get to perform my originals at a sports bar.  I'm worth the late hours with Nyquil and chicken soup if I'm sick.  I'm worth the spot in BYU's top choir.  I'm worth more than a douchebag who doesn't respect me.  I'm worth more than an apartment that won't fix my swamp cooler.  I'm worth more than 200 calories a day.  I am of infinite worth, and for the longest time I have been selling myself short.  I've been settling for less than I deserve.  This is such an important revelation.  At first, this new discovery led me to believe that I deserved to treat other people badly and to not trust anyone.  It led me to be angry and bitter towards everyone who's treated me with disrespect.  But now, at the end of the year, with a few months of therapy, experience, and just plain time behind me, I think I'm moving back into balance with my life.  I can have high expectations of myself and others without being cold and vindictive towards myself or towards others.  I can take myself seriously... but not too seriously.  I think my New Years Resolution this year will be something along the lines of this:

I resolve to seek true happiness in my life.  And if I don't get it right away, I resolve to be happy anyway.  

And with that, I end my post on a joyful note.

Listening to:  My man Pitbull.  "Don't Stop the Party"
Blessings:  No school.  No work.  Trips to Minnesota.
Learned:  Alexander McQueen's 2004 and 2005 lines aren't nearly as dramatic and awesome as his earlier stuff.  However, his Fall 2005 season was based on the 1960's, particularly the iconic Marilyn Monroe.  That's become one of my favorite seasons.
Things Going On Today:  I go to a performance at Muse tonight.  Move all my stuff over.  Maybe stop at work for a short time.

The Great Dishonesty -- And a Great Experiment

So... I found out today that someone I know personally reads this and gets concerned when I write certain things about my life that seem... well, depressing.  It's now making me VERY self-conscious about what I post here.  I always thought this was a place I could go to get feelings out quickly.  I keep a VERY detailed handwritten account of my life in journals, but sometimes writing is too slow and a stroke of emotion/genius/whatever would pass me by if I tried to write it out by hand.  So I type it out here.  And I don't usually go back and edit anything or make it sound nice or understandable.  I just WRITE.  I really haven't expected too many people to actually READ this... or at least take it super seriously.

There's a lot more to me than what you see on this blog.  Trust me.

So, just to clear the air.  Yes, I was depressed.  Yes, people should have been concerned.  And they were.  My Bishop wondered if I was anorexic.  My home teachers wondered if I was suicidal.  I wasn't either of those things, but I think part of me wanted people to think I was.  But that, in itself, should concern people.  It concerns me very much.

It's kind of funny.  I'm a complete sucker for attention.  It doesn't matter if it's good or not, I just want attention.  Sometimes I lie just so I can get people to notice me.  Back when I was in Junior High, I would scrape needles along my wrists just enough so that they looked like scars you get from slitting your wrists. I never actually slit my wrists.  Never.  But I made people think that I did.  I'd show my "scars" to everyone at school and eventually some good friends of mine told the school counselor and I was brought in to her office to "talk."  She kept telling me that I was loved and there were other ways to release the stresses in your life besides self-mutilation, but that all went in one ear and out the other because I knew that already.
I remember telling my mom that I cut.  She read through my lie like a book, so she didn't really care.  She just told me not to do it again and that was it.  I was so disappointed with her response, I grounded myself for the next three weekends.  I'm not joking.

It's sad.  I don't think I've changed that much since Junior High.  I still identify people as either "the popular kids" or the "unpopular kids" and I base my social interactions on those trite judgments.  I wear the same goofy fishnets and bustiers-over-t-shirts that I wore in eighth grade.  I still freak out like a twelve-year-old when I don't get my way.  And I still lie.  All the time.  I'm always constantly lying!  Trying to look more confident, more intelligent, more hard-core, more deviant, more jaded, more shy, more righteous, more sincere than I actually am.  Maybe that's the only reason why I listen to Lady Gaga and wear four-inch heels and write music.  I'm trying to portray this image of me as an "artist" when all I am is a fake.  Poser.  Sell-out.  Lie.  

But you know what?  I think the world is full of lies.  People lie all the time.  It's why girls wear make-up and shave their legs...  Gosh, why do we shave our legs anyway?  We all know that hair grows down there!  No one is fooling anybody!  Why be ashamed of something so natural, so unimportant?  Why are we ashamed to admit that we have issues?  Why do men insist on acting like "tough guys" when inside they have these things called feelings that are perfectly normal and justified?  Once, while I was waiting for a Bishop's interview, I read in a Psychology Journal that men are twice more likely to commit suicide then women, and one of the hypotheses for why that happens is that men refuse to accept help from anyone. They want people to think they're okay, they're in control.  They lie!!! Why do they do that?  Why do we, as a society, feel like we need to hide who we are all the time?

I feel like a total hypocrite when I say this, but it really bugs me when I see people on the internet complaining about how no one likes them, but they insist on spending every waking minute of their lives doing freaky, anti-social things like obsessing over teenage heartthrobs and writing violent poetry about their ex's girlfriends.  Again, I will acknowledge the fact that I am a total hypocrite, but I know I'm not as bad as some of the girls I know online.  Tumblr is a fascinating place.  These teenage girls publish post after post of these Instagram-created pictures of little slips of paper that they tore out of their Moleskine notebooks with sloppy handwritten song lyrics from some "obscure" band written on them.  Every Valentine's Day, they sit on their laptops and share their sob stories about how nobody likes them and how they're forever alone.  They post charts, comparing themselves to "other girls" who love makeup and boys and plastic and they claim that they're soooooo different from other people and that's why they can't get the guy or be popular.  They collect pictures of pretty Hipster things and fancy toys and expensive fashion that they can't afford. They talk about how no one understands them and they die their hair funny colors and take goofy pouty pictures of themselves because that's the only way they can think of to "express themselves." They follow celebrities as if doing that will connect them somehow. They live -- obsess over -- this LIE.  They're NOT different from anyone else.  Their story is the same as HUNDREDS OF OTHERS.  It's MY story.  It's my roommates' story.  Believe it or not, you're not the only one who sits by herself in her room on Valentine's day.  Just because you post artsy crap on your Tumblr account doesn't mean you're an artist.  And instead of griping over how no one likes you, or pretending like you know the Jonas Brothers SO WELL because you've posted every possible picture of them that you can find, why not go out INTO THE REAL WORLD and make friends with REAL people?  STOP LIVING YOUR INTERNET LIE!  STOP TRYING TO BE SOMETHING YOU'RE NOT!  BE A REAL PERSON.

And Taylor Swift?  STOP.  Just stop!  Stop writing about how you can't get the boy.  You're the prettiest girl on the planet.  Every man wants you.  Stop complaining.  There are girls out here in the REAL, NON-CELEBRITY world who have never had a date in their lives.  Girls who've been abused by their boyfriends. Girls who would give ANYTHING just to hear someone say "I love you" to them. You are spoiled.  There's no way you can understand how it feels to be ugly.  And now that I think about it, stop writing songs about how guys are calling you telling you "I still love you," and you're all like, "This is SO EXHAUSTING having guys call me and tell me they love me all the time!"  LADY...  DO YOU HONESTLY EXPECT ME TO FEEL SORRY FOR YOU?  You're complaining about how everyone wants you!  Stop it!!  Just get married already so I don't have to listen to your crap.

Okay, this post has DEFINITELY gone off the track I expected it to go.  The point is...  We all lie.  I lie a lot.  I've lied so much, I'm not even sure what the truth is anymore.  Lady Gaga says that she lies on purpose, over and over again, because the idea is that you lie until it becomes true.  Now, I'm not sure if I agree with that entirely. I believe there are some truths that will never change, no matter how much time you spend in denial.  But I do feel like I've created my own reality -- my own identity -- by lying to myself.  I don't want to lie anymore.  I want to be the REAL me, but I have absolutely no idea what that is!!  How do I even start finding it?

Experimentation, I guess, which is why I have been spending the last few weeks being incredibly cold towards humanity in general.  I've been taking crap from people for so long, I'd like to see what happens when I stop taking that crap and just throw it right back.  I may scare some people away, but maybe I'll feel happier with this more stalwart, tenacious, resilient me.  The "I don't care" me. I don't know how long it's gonna last, but I'd like to see if I gain confidence by acting apathetic. It's like Nicki Minaj says, "If you can't handle my worst, you ain't getting my best."

But of course, deep down, I'm sure that's also a lie.  I DO care.  A lot.  But perhaps I just need to dull my senses to that care a little bit so I can find a balance between caring and not caring.  I mean, I'm sure I'll survive even if I end up not getting a date for a whole year or never getting to know my roommates.  Maybe if I just survive enough, I'll grow more comfortable with it and disappointing people would become more easy to take.

I just need a complete re-do.  Extreme Makeover:  Soul Addition.  Maybe I can have a butterfly room.

This has gone on long enough.

So I have issues.  Sue me.  And if what I say on this blog depresses you that much, stop reading it.  I would almost like it better if no one read it, if that is the case.


Things going on Today:  Stake leadership training.  I got no homework done this weekend.
Blessings:  Friends, of course.  But also... enemies.
Listening to:  "Marilyn Monroe" by Nicki Minaj -- One of the greatest songs of all time, and one I relate to immensely at the present moment.
Learned: (through experience)  It's better to communicate with people than to just bottle up feelings and never let them out.

I HAVE FOUND...

...that there may be a direct correlative relationship between my relationship status and the amount of time I spend looking up fashion shows on YouTube...

... And this means you'll probably be seeing about 17 hours worth of fashion-related posts in the coming weeks... 

Listening To: Courtney's alarm go off over and over again.

Things Going On Today:  First Sunday single.  Return and Report.  

Blessings:  Seven Peaks, trips to California at opportune times.

Learned:  What "yolo" means.  

Two, Four, Six, Eight... I WILL NEVER GRADUATE!

It looks as if everyone and their mother is going to get out of school before me.  Here I am, almost finished with year 3 at BYU, and I still have another two years to go before I finish my undergrad.  There are people who graduated high school AFTER me who are getting out of college THIS YEAR.  How does that happen??

And how does it happen that there are girls two years younger than me who are MARRIED and even have KIDS?  And how does it happen that there are boys younger than me who are now DONE with their missions??  Where has my youth gone???

It's not like I don't love school.  Matter of fact, there are days when I wonder if I would even mind just going to classes forever.  I love sitting in a desk, taking notes, being around so many smart people, and learning new things.  I do plan on attending Graduate School after I graduate with my Music Ed degree here at BYU, and if God wills it, I even want to try and get a PhD in something.  (Or maybe two...)  I like school.  I love BYU.  But what I DON'T love is how I've been here for three years and have nothing to show for it... at least not officially.  I'm nowhere close to getting a really good job that I wouldn't feel ashamed to have.  I may have taken sixteen credits worth of ASL, but I have no interpreting license.  I don't even have a completed minor.  I've learned so much these past few years, but my resume is almost just as blank as it was when I first came to college.  Learning and getting A's is okay, but that's not what's going to help me succeed -- at least on a financial level.

And it's not like I don't like being single, either.  I love my ward.  I love my independence.  And there's NO WAY I'm ready to start popping out babies.  But sometimes I find myself feeling like starting your own family is like this rite of passage between  being only sort of a grown-up to being a complete grown-up...  Now of course that's not true, but I think that way sometimes.  There are 19-year-old girls I know who seem to just automatically become a little more mature now that they have husbands and "married-people-problems."  And I can't deny that I see some prejudices against single people in this here Mormon society and I get a little sucked into that mindset.  Sometimes I get this feeling that if I'm not getting married, I'm being disobedient or unrighteous in some way.  After all, we have General Authorities basically BEGGING us to get married over the pulpit at Conference.  Yeah, I need to get rid of those feelings.  I'm a perfectly worthy and good person, even if I'm not married.  But I'd still LIKE to be married, if not just to show the world that I'm on the right track in life.  Moving forward.

I just wanna see some real, honest-to-goodness progress.  And a diploma or a marriage license would be a nice physical representation of that progress.

I forget sometimes that I'm only 21.  I've got time on my hands -- time to figure my life out, graduate, start a family, be a rock star, and still have time to watch 30Rock and Community on Friday mornings.

Listening to:  "Who's That Girl" by Robyn
Things Going On Today:  A recital, a rehearsal, and maybe the giving of a tasty gift.
Blessings:  Weekends.  Not a lot of homework.
Learned:  Bleach can eat through a washcloth.  How to make Blondies.

High Times

So a lot of good things have been happening to me these past couple of weeks, and I feel like I need to make an official documentation of these happy events, because I know one of these days I'm going to feel like my whole life just sucks and I have nothing to be thankful for and 2012 has been one giant crap-shoot of a year.  I mustn't let that happen.  So here we go...

OFFICIAL STATEMENT of HAPPY THINGS

Be it Known By All...

That Upon this past week, being the week of the 30th of April, Miss Hannah Johnson has been a happy receiver and beneficiary of the following good things:

Successful survival of hell week at work, along with receiving the coveted additional responsibility of weed chemical spraying.

The waiving of Dictation 3.

Successfully winning the heart of her favorite male, and attending a date with said male to see Avengers (which is a totally awesome movie, by the way). 

The removal of a feline from living quarters.

Receiving an A on the first Sight Singing test, as well as the second theory quiz.

Having an overall good weekend without dying, losing their sanity, or causing accidental bodily harm to herself or to others.

400 dollars in tax returns.

This online document has been approved by Miss Hannah Johnson and is now legal and official "good news" worthy of presenting to friends, family, and the general public.  Additionally, this written documentation testifies that the beginning of Summer of 2012 was in no way terrible.

Listening to:  "Living on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi

Things going on Today:  Um... Choir homework?  Root Beer floats at work?

Blessings:  Sleep.  Grooveshark.

Learned:  All about Italian, German, and French augmented 6th chords. 

"Holy Toledo..."

"I have a girlfriend."

Oh, Kevin, I now understand your sentiments!

Listening to:  Beez in the Trap by Nicki Minaj

Learned:  Movement from a Neapolitan sixth chord to a I6/4 is harder than it looks.  You must avoid creating a perfect fifth in the Neapolitan, or else it will move in parallel fifths to the second-inversion I chord, and that's bad.

Things Going on today:  First day of English diction.

Blessings:  Boyfriends, cell phones, one-hour classes. 

Summer Goals

Today, I begin summer classes.  Five for spring term.  Five for summer term.  But that does not mean I can't spend a little time for myself and get some summer goals checked off my list...

-- Finish Anna Karenina AS WELL AS finish the next book on my 100 Books list.
-- Read the entire book of Mormon before the first day of Fall semester.
-- Of course I want to go on dates and hang with boys, but I resolve to spend a little more time getting to know the girls in my ward.  Last summer, I was in the Relief Society Presidency, so I couldn't help but learn about the girls.  During this summer season, the female count is a lot lower than Fall/Winter.  I have no excuse not to at least learn all the girls' names and have a few conversations with them once in a while.
-- Magnify my calling.  I am the Humanitarian Service / Spiritual and Temporal Welfare council chair.  There's quite a lot on my plate, and I sometimes feel a little overwhelmed, but really, the goal of my council is to help people.  I hope to find service opportunities both within my ward and out in the "real world."
-- Write some more songs.  I have three swimming in my head and they need to come out soon or else they never will.
-- CLEAN ALL THE THINGS.  And keep things clean.
-- Play more sports.  Maybe some Ultimate, volleyball, basketball.  Maybe I should learn something new...
-- See Dark Knight Rises and The Avengers.  Also watch three other movies that I haven't seen yet, but should see.
-- Spend some time with my old friends that live in the area but I don't see very often.  There are a few friends I know from home in Minnesota, as well as some friends from Freshman year that I just don't see as often as I should.
-- Write in my journal more frequently.  That way I don't get overwhelmed when I have to go back and remember things that happened like four weeks ago.

I may add things, but these are the important ones.


Things Going On Today:  First day of classes.  Ward Organizational Meeting.
Blessings:  Not having to work at 7 AM EVERY morning this summer.
Listening to:  Tina Fey and Tracy Morgan on 30 Rock.
Learned:  The poor Spoonbridge and Cherry was vandalized by a Kony 2012 Activist this week.  Fortunately, someone was able to scrub it off, and now the mark of ridiculousness is no more.

Saturday, April 14: A Playlist

This weekend in a playlist:

Little Less Conversation -- Elvis Presley
Something to Talk About -- Bonnie Raitt
Take a Chance On Me -- ABBA
All These Things That I've Done -- The Killers
Anywhere -- Evanescence
Why Won't You Touch Me? -- Capercaillie
Girlfriend -- Avril Lavigne
Hard on You -- Rob Thomas
Better Than I Know Myself -- Adam Lambert


Things Going On Today:  277 Final.  Mexican Food.
Blessings:  Nothing 'til noon.
Learned:  A little more about Twyla Tharp.  I like her.
Listening to:  "Better than I know Myself" by Adam Lambert (see above)

"It's a turtle... looking up the girl's skirt??" --Courtney

Today, I cleaned all the things.

Today, on a whim, I decided to go through my room and organize every piece of paper documentation that I own.  'Twas quite a feat, taking well over four hours and it's still not entirely done yet.

My cousin Taggart calls me a hoarder because I keep generic birthday cards from when I was fourteen and I find meaning in the smallest little doodle drawn by a boy I used to like.  Call me what you will, but I sort of like how little things can carry such powerful stories and memories.  I'd love to someday tell those stories in full somehow.  Write about them, enshrine the physical evidence in words and pictures.  All those notes I took in sacrament meeting over the years?  I'd like to someday compile them, organize them, and publish them in a way that I can reference them in the future... maybe my progeny can do the same thing?  And all those tags from clothes, magazine scraps, doodles i drew in the margins... someday those things could make a great addition to an awesome decoupage, a killer scrapbook, or just a fun little scrap you can tape to your wall or copy onto a birthday card.  You never know when wrapping paper can come in handy.
So I keep a lot of things.  I did throw some things away, but I kept a good chunk of it.  But now it's all organized.  I have my churchy pictures, fashion pictures, memoirs from freshman, sophomore, and junior years (all in their own file folders).  I've collected and sorted all my choral music.  Chronologically ordered all my photographs.  Put everything away in tight boxes so that they don't take up much room.  I'm quite proud of myself.  Someday those things will come of use.  Someday.

Listening to:  "Unwell" by Matchbox Twenty
Learned:  Zach Van Houten played one of Mark Whitmer's numbers last year at his senior recital!  Connections connections!!  Also learned that gummi worms should not be eaten before a vocal jury, but you can eat plenty after it's done!
Today:  Juries.  Cleaning all the things.  Taggart comes over.
Blessings:  No work.  Rain.  Blue dresses.

My New Years Resolutions for 2012

1.  Keep my grades up.
2.  Fulfill my callings.
3.  Be artistic.
4.  Sleep in my bed.
5.  Don't get carried away in love.
6.  Have more money at the end of the year than I do now.
7.  Think before I speak


Listening to:  "A little chum for chum, eh?"
Learned:  The song "Human Again" is featured on the special edition DVD of Beauty and the Beast!
Things Going On:  Family says goodbye, Sammie and Rowdy
Blessings:  My family.  My roommates.  Winter break.

Finals SUCK

At exactly 3:30 this afternoon, this will be me.

Things Going on Today:  Dictation Final, Mom comes to town

Blessings:  Friends who randomly show up at my house.  

Things I learned:  Lady Gaga has been named as the Most Overrated Artist of 2011.  

Listening to:  My dictation practice CD.  

I'm Crushin....

... REALLY BAD.  


Listening to:  "Stereo Hearts"
Things Going on Today:  Roommate reunion, Alicia's Bridal Shower, Muppet Christmas Carol
Learned:  Enrique Iglesias's song, "Do You Know" was on Now 67.
Blessings:  Warm sidewalks.

Service Story

Yesterday at about ten o'clock in the morning, my house gets a call from an 801-number.  When I answer the phone, I hear a young man's nervous voice on the other end saying, "Hey, is this Bishop Johnson's residence?  Your church meets at one o'clock, right?"  I answer in the affirmative, and then he says, "Well, I'm at the Mall of America, visiting for the day.  Do you know the best way to get down to your chapel from here?"
By then I hand my mom the phone, knowing nothing about Minnesota transportation myself.  Mom didn't have much more to say either.  "That's far beyond our ward boundaries.  I don't think there's anyone who could give you a ride.  I'm sorry."
Later, after attending a stunning sacrament meeting, I walked into my Sunday School room and sat next to a boy I did not recognize. Sister Duncan, our Sunday School teacher, walked up and introduced herself to him, as she does with all the visitors.  He said his name was Brett, and he's visiting from Orem on a band trip.
"Are you the guy who called us this morning?" My mom turned and intruded on their introductions.
"Yeah," he said.  "Sorry about that..."
"No, it's fine."  She continued, "How did you get here??"
"Took a taxi."
A taxi?  Wow.  This guy really wanted to get to church.  For some reason, I recognized him.  I didn't know why.  But I had seen him somewhere before.  Right before the lesson started, I asked where he went to school.  He said BYU.  Then, without asking him anything, I just assumed he was a music ed major.  I don't know what planted that idea into my head.  Maybe I had seen him at the HFAC preparing for a choral conducting test.  Or maybe it was just the way he carried himself.  Or maybe I just made a wild guess.  But for some reason or another, I knew that he and I had the same major.  So later, when I had the chance, I asked him what he was studying.  "Music education, instrumental emphasis."  It cheered me to hear this.

Well my mom, being the bishop's wife, of course invited him and his younger brother over for dinner.  I was willing to drive them out to the Mall of America, since I had to visit a friend out in Mendota Heights anyway.  They played our piano and sang with us, and we had spirited conversation at the dinner table.  Within a few hours, we already seemed like good friends.  I promised I'd try to find Brett somewhere when I went back out to BYU, and when he went on his mission, I'd keep in touch.  He's a nice guy.

But the punch line here is that they paid 30 dollars -- THIRTY. DOLLARS. -- to pay for a taxi ride down to the Burnsville meetinghouse.  Thirty dollars just to go to church.  Man alive.  That's some serious commitment.  But with that thirty dollars, they also got a free home-cooked meal and they made some new friends, thanks to my mother.  Moral of the story:  Keep your eye open for people like Brett and his brother.  Often you will have more in common than you think.  Never skip out on a service opportunity.  It's a chance to make a friend.

Listening to:  Nothing
Things Going On Today:  Not sure.  It's Monday. I have two days left in Minnesota.  I probably should start gathering up my clothes and stuff...
Blessings:  A mom who cooks.  Old friends.
Learned:  There are four instances mentioned in the New Testament of Jesus visiting his disciples after his resurrection.

Home is where the Start is.

Sometimes it's really sad to come home after being away for a long time; so many things have changed.  Some changes have been good, some changes have been bad, and some have just been -- well, changes...


I'd say a positive change I've seen in Minnesota since I've been here last has been in my own neighborhood.  These past few months, they've been re-paving the cul-de-sac that leads up to my humble Minnesota abode.  I've been receiving updates from my parents and siblings throughout the process, and while it apparently has been a pain in the neck for my family to have the road all torn up in front of their house, I have come at just the right time to take a look at the finished product.  All that's left to do is to re-sod the lawn right next to the curb and to sweep off all the leftover dust.  The road is clean and straight and wonderful.  It was a renovation long overdue.

There were some changes made inside my house, as well.  I suppose it had to happen eventually, but I was very surprised to come home to find that my parents had given my bed away to the Burnsville missionaries.  My room is no longer mine anymore; my sister, Ellen, has her own room, spruced up with fun decorations.  All my effects left behind have been pushed into one drawer in the dresser or back into the corner of the closet.  Sighing with defeat, I accept the fact that this change just had to happen.  I don't live here anymore.  I'm here to visit my family on vacation, and as a guest, I sleep in the guest bedroom with its hide-a-bed sofa.  I have no clothes of my own here, so I live out of a suitcase and borrow any necessities from my sister.

Yesterday I visited some friends I knew from high school.  That was an eye-opening experience for me.  We went to Perkins and then just hung out at someone's house until 12:30 at night.  Everyone's doing fine, I think.  They all have big plans for the future:  graduation, basic military training, work, school, families.  It was great catching up with them, and exchanging gossip about others whom we've had the chance to interact with.  But as conversation went on I realized how much these old friends of mine have grown up -- and in some cases, how much they haven't.  They're making their own choices now, and many of those choices will have a very big impact on their future. People I used to have very high opinions of have suddenly been humanized, in a weird sort of way.  They're making choices I don't agree with.  Their lifestyles are now very different than mine.  We no longer have many things in common with each other.  It sort of makes me sad.

I don't blame myself for their actions.  Really.  That's one thing I think many may assume.  I do not mean to say that I have shirked any duty or committed any sin of remission towards them.  But part of me wonders if I am also a victim of time. Do people look at me the same way I look at them?  Different, wavering, changing in my standards and morals?  Have I changed?  Should I have changed?  How could my actions and behaviors and beliefs change others around me?  What mistakes have I made that cause others to look at me differently?  What mistakes have I made that cause me to look at myself differently?  These are hard questions for me to ask myself, and sometimes I don't want to hear the answer.

Seasons of time change.  I can't still be wearing a huge winter jacket when the summer sun is shining its ferocious heat on my life.  That seems counter-productive.  I need to shed my old life completely and embrace the things that never change. To be perfectly honest, I would be happy never personally visiting Minnesota again.  I don't think it's worth going back to something that has completely disappeared.  I love my old friends and I wish the best for them, but I think my opportunity to be a good influence in their lives has ended, and we have no more to offer each other.

Moral of the story:  Change is hard.  Change is very hard.  But it's necessary.

Listening to:  "Somewhere" by Emily Brown
Things Going On Today:  I visit my friend Ingrid, I watch Harry Potter 6, and I read Middlemarch.  (Almost done!)
Blessings:  Family, a God that doesn't change.
Learned:  I haven't learned anything yet today, which means I have wasted loads of time.

Destination:

The land of the shovel....

and the swat.

Listening to:  Ke$ha, "Grow a Pear"

Things Going On Today:  Cleaning checks, I fly to MN and see my family!

Blessings:  SOS pads, 409.

Learned:  That funny yellow stuff on the frigerator?  That's glue!  

What am I Listening to Right Now?

All of the Britney Spears albums.  All of them.  In order.

PS This new blog posting layout SUCKS and I HATE IT.

Listening to: "Showdown" by Britney
Things Going On Today:  Bowling with Mikey C. Last day of work before VACATION.
Blessings:  Vacations, Fridays, having the Boss not be at work.
Learned:  Britney Spears' song, "Radar" was released on her album "Blackout," but then re-released on her sixth album, "Circus."  She has released seven albums:

...Baby One More Time
Oops!...I did it Again
Britney
In the Zone
Blackout
Circus
Femme Fatale

(Yes, I did that from memory.)

More Moments...

Listening to My Chemical Romance on my way home from school on a rainy day with my giant silver CD player that I had in Junior High School.  I didn't want to go home right away because I was feeling the bloody ambiance of the music blend with the wet green vegetation.  I can smell it.

Decorating my door with fun tye-dye wrapping paper my freshman year at Heritage. I had a lot of fun adding ribbons and stickers and random newspaper-clipped words to create an amazing collage that depicted the personalities of both myself and my roommate Ellen.  I miss that door.

Watching "Hunchback of Notre Dame" with my friend Katie in her basement while building the 3-D puzzle of Notre Dame on her carpeted floor.  She got me that puzzle for my birthday, and made me brownies with marshmallows in them.  I really love my friend Katie.

Sitting in the Heart of the City one summer evening with Charles talking about how to deal with people who are atheists.  We had light-sabers with us because we were planning on having a light-saber fight with other kids, but they never showed up, so we just talked.  Charles is a good guy.

Sitting in Brother Sprague's basement as my mom belted out Reba McIntyre and Martina McBride with the impromptu ward country band.  Brother West and Ben Miller were there, too.  And Katie played the piano.  One time, Ben wasn't there, but he left his sweatshirt from the week before, and I tried to smell the sweatshirt to see if I could catch the scent of Ben Miller, but I of course had no sense of smell so I was met with disappointment.

Flipping off a kid because he slammed his locker door into my head in Junior High.

Wearing Caitlyn's multi-color checkered skirt to church during one visit to Utah.  The skirt felt awkward and short.  She made me wear it because she said I wore black too much, which was just the way I liked things.

Eating at King's Buffet with Wes, Joe, and Mike.  Playing with crab's legs like little kids.  When we moved the claws in and out, they looked like little mouths.

Walking to the "Unbirthday Party" hosted by the 15th ward with Jacob and Adam.  Jacob kept asking me if I was cold because I was wearing a white dress in 30-degree weather.  Little did he know how happy and warm I felt.  Especially after passing Jordan Beal.  Two hot guys in one place.  That was pretty epic.

Staying up til 7 AM watching Bones in my room in nothing but a Bra.

Hearing Hunter say that I was an "all-around good person" during our sixth grade class.  We had to pull names from a basket and say something nice about that person we drew.  I felt so loved right then, I cried.  But I didn't let him see.

Listening to:  "Fire Burning" by Sean Kingston (always wanted to make an a capella version of this song...)
Things Going On Today:  Institute, home teachers come over, I pull an all-nighter with friends last night.
Blessings:  Tennis shoes.  The sun.  Those friends I stayed up all night with.
Things Learned:  Aerial fireworks are only legal for this year because it's been so rainy.  The terms "first and second degree" are no longer used when medical professionals diagnose burns.

A Shark...

It's been a while, so I guess I could update the world on what I've been doing these past few days...

Now that the boyfriend is gone to Seattle, I suddenly have more time to focus on homework and reading and sleeping and other good do-by-yourself things.  I'm taking two classes this semester -- 4th Semester American Sign Language and Intro to Contemporary Art -- and they've been pretty cool, more or less...

The ASL class turned out to be harder than I originally expected.  I spent two or three hours practicing for the first midterm but still only got 79% on it.  That's the lowest grade I've ever received on a midterm.  Ever.  So now I'm all paranoid that I won't get an A in the class.  So I'm working hard to get 100 percent on EVERYTHING in that class now.

As for Contemporary art, I think I got a shot at an A.  My paper is going to be about Damien Hirst, this guy who  dips sharks in formaldehyde as a metaphor of death.  I don't quite understand it yet, but I think I will once this paper gets written.

The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living

What else?  Oh yes, my new roommates.  I've sort of latched on to my ROOM-roommate, Sammy, who's from California.  She and I have a lot in common and that's pretty cool, seeing as we came from completely different backgrounds and didn't know each other existed before we were set in this room.  She is very brave, very musical, and always looking for a good time.  I have a feeling she may have the key to unlocking my social single self again.  Spending a whole semester with a boyfriend in the ward kind of tunes you out to the rest of the ward population, and now I need to try reconnecting with people.  Sounds fun...

Listening to:  The Edge of Glory by GAGA.  An amazing song, by the way.  Like nothing she's ever done before.  Kind of a Springsteen-esque anthem with a dance twist.  There's this pretty cool sax solo in the middle that gives it some class, and she soars on these high notes I didn't know she could sing when she came out with the Fame.  By the looks of things, this is going to be a pretty good album, methinks.  

Things Going On Today:  Laundry, no work.

Blessings:  Headphones, TA labs, and... sharks.  

Why I have not blogged in a while:

Reasons why I haven't blogged in a while:

I've been reading up about Greenberg, Camus, and Picasso.
I've been eating Red Vines up the wazoo until I get sick.
I've been attending fondu parties.
I've been calling my boyfriend who left for Seattle.
I've been crying over said boyfriend.
I've been attending a deaf ward.
I've been mulching like crazy.
I've been trying to meet people.
I've been trying to do well in school.
I've been trying not to die because my favorite person is gone.


That's about it.

Listening to:  Ancient Voices of Children
Things Going On Today:  Church, mother's day.
Blessings:  A bed.  A pillow.  And lots of blankets.