It's so nice, having a lover who understands you.

  

Hey Jude
Bdubs with Kory
Quasimodo

Scars/To the New Boyfriend

I really want to post this in more places, but it hits so close to home and I know that people will tell me I shouldn't post this so early after things happened.  But man... It's like this guy took all of my feelings and presented them in a form more perfect than I can imagine.

So real.... It all felt so real.

I think God told me to look up some Slam Poetry today.

Listening to:  Josh Groban Christmas music from the distant downstairs.  Loving home.
Blessings:  Parents.  A's.  New sequin jackets.
Learned:  A little more about the terrible shooting that happened in a Connecticut Elementary School today.  There are some things I wish I could un-learn.
Things going on today:  NOTHING.  I'm gonna veg all day today.  And I'm loving it.

(Happier) New Year

Okay, 2012.  Time to stare you down and just accept the fact that you happened.

This was, by far, the hardest year I've ever had to endure in my 22 years of living.  Just for context, I believe a close second would be the year 2009.  It's not like life gets harder with each progressing year.  A lot of hard things happened this year:

1. I discover I have anxiety and depression.  I still need to be healed.  I've seen psychologists, but then when I start feeling better, I stop and then things get bad again.
2.  I get dumped three times in one year -- and they were hard rejections.  That was probably the hardest part of this year.  Trying to pick up pieces after a two-year-long relationship that had a ton of issues in the first place is something I would never wish on anyone.  I remember crying every night for two weeks straight and feeling so sick I vomited.  Then there were two one-month spells that began great, but crashed and burned for no explainable reasons.  I'm still not over any of it.  I still wonder what the heck is wrong with me.  Heck, I'm still here mourning over ones that got away years ago.  Two of my exes are now happily married.  I very well could have been the bride at one of them.  Don't know what you got 'til it's gone, I guess.  Ugh. Regret.  What a bitter feeling...
3. I lost my three best friends in a matter of days.  I'm pretty sure I wouldn't still be standing today if it weren't for them.  But the minute I get back from Cali, they're gone.  Moving.  Leaving me alone.  Suddenly I found myself living on my own at a vulnerable time and that was really tough. Sleeping in a silent apartment with depression for two months was hell.
4. Sometime during that period, I develop an eating disorder.  That's never fun to go through, much less to simply admit.
5.  I have been in school for over a year straight.  That's a little crazy.  Sure, I had some small vacation moments, but really, this whole year has been about buckling down and getting back on track with graduation.  I'm technically "caught up" now, but having a 5-year undergrad still isn't great.  How I managed to get through five semesters straight without stopping is beyond me.  Perhaps it was my refuge.  Just one sight-singing assignment, one lesson plan, one practice hour at a time.  That will get me through the pain...

BUT... 

... with all this grief and hardship and strenuous work, I MUST analyze my successes.  And there are quite a few of them.  I forget sometimes when times are tough how blessed I am -- and how capable I am!  Check out this list:

1.  4.0, baby!  Not joking, it always feels good looking at your report card after a hard semester and seeing A after beautiful A looking back at me.  My shrink says it's a crutch, but at least it's one that will give me good standing for grad school.  Really, I'm just happy that I have mastery over something in my life.
2.  I got to go to California to see my wonderful old roommate get married to the man of her dreams.  To be a part of a wedding party -- to be picked! -- is such an awesome feeling.  I got to help make someone else really happy, and I got to get out of Provo on top of that.  San Diego was beautiful.  I got to wear some of my favorite dresses and there are some awesome pictures of me up on Facebook now.
3.  I also got to make a visit to my dear home in Minnesota at the end of the summer.  That was a much-needed break.  It got me away from my boy troubles and I got to spend a lot of quality time with my family.  Then there was the awesome road trip back to Utah with my mom and sister.
4.  Heck, I got a car this year.  That's awesome right there.
5.  I also moved this year.  Just at the very tail end, a few days ago.  I'm living with my grandparents now.  No rent.  New ward.  Own room.  Awesome company.  I needed to get out of that old apartment so bad.  There were just too many memories attached to that old place.  And having to pay such an exorbitant price every month was burning a hole in my wallet.  Now, I feel free and safe.  This is good.
6.  BYU Singers.  As much as I am not enjoying going these days, I really do think this has been a blessing for me.  Again -- getting picked.  I was selected to be in this amazing choir because I earned it.  That's always a wonderful feeling.  And I have made friends!  My alto friends, some boys, and of course Dr. Staheli.  I don't know what I would do without him.
7.  When it comes to my relationships... In a way, I'm pretty excited about them.  Yeah, they didn't last, but heck, I got them in the first place! It was a great month of May.  And an even great month of November. It's funny:  Every man I've ever really wanted, I've gotten... At least, for a short while.  And I pick'em better every time.  As much as I wish things worked out, it's still nice looking at this guy or that and be able to say to myself, yeah I DID kiss that face.  And it kissed me back.  Makes me feel dang sexy.  If I can get my idea of superman not once but twice in one year, I can do it again!  And next time, I won't be as stupid.  Next time, it will be for keeps.  For good.  Eternity, maybe.
8.  I have not worn the same outfit once all year.  I almost have had enough clothes to wear something different each day.  I also acquired two suits, two wigs, Fame, and Juicy Couture this year for nearly nothing.  My clothing and my matrix have really seen an upgrade this year.
9.  I was in an opera.  That's pretty important.  It led to a pretty worthwhile relationship and a ton of other friendships that I hope last.
10.  I'm actually performing songs now.  I went to an open mic and that led to me performing at small restaurant venues this semester.  I've written a lot, too.  And finished a lot.  I've also helped out some friends of mine in their musical endeavors, which is a good thing.  Music has been such an important release.  I couldn't have survived a lot of my trials without it.
11.  Friends.  That's been the biggest blessing of my life.  The friends I've had.  Especially the friends I didn't know I had.  God puts people in your life for a reason.  I'll never forget the love and support I have felt this year from the people around me.

The most important lesson I think I learned this year is this:  I am worth it.  I'm worth the $80 Fame fragrance that I've always wanted.  I'm worth the awesome home teachers I've had.  I'm worth the 20 minutes of stage time I get to perform my originals at a sports bar.  I'm worth the late hours with Nyquil and chicken soup if I'm sick.  I'm worth the spot in BYU's top choir.  I'm worth more than a douchebag who doesn't respect me.  I'm worth more than an apartment that won't fix my swamp cooler.  I'm worth more than 200 calories a day.  I am of infinite worth, and for the longest time I have been selling myself short.  I've been settling for less than I deserve.  This is such an important revelation.  At first, this new discovery led me to believe that I deserved to treat other people badly and to not trust anyone.  It led me to be angry and bitter towards everyone who's treated me with disrespect.  But now, at the end of the year, with a few months of therapy, experience, and just plain time behind me, I think I'm moving back into balance with my life.  I can have high expectations of myself and others without being cold and vindictive towards myself or towards others.  I can take myself seriously... but not too seriously.  I think my New Years Resolution this year will be something along the lines of this:

I resolve to seek true happiness in my life.  And if I don't get it right away, I resolve to be happy anyway.  

And with that, I end my post on a joyful note.

Listening to:  My man Pitbull.  "Don't Stop the Party"
Blessings:  No school.  No work.  Trips to Minnesota.
Learned:  Alexander McQueen's 2004 and 2005 lines aren't nearly as dramatic and awesome as his earlier stuff.  However, his Fall 2005 season was based on the 1960's, particularly the iconic Marilyn Monroe.  That's become one of my favorite seasons.
Things Going On Today:  I go to a performance at Muse tonight.  Move all my stuff over.  Maybe stop at work for a short time.

Concerning Readership...

Part of me wonders if it's a good idea to let people know this blog exists, because it's something I've had for a really REALLY long time and it's got lots of... well, interesting material in it. These days I only post when a certain stroke of genius philosophy comes on, but that often involves personal stories and stuff that maybe people don't need to know.  

But here's the thing... I keep diaries.  Hard-core.  Not just my personal journal... I have books -- literally BOOKS -- full of song lyrics, journals for spiritual stuff, random notebooks with scribbles and ideas and such... why post a blog?

Well a blog can be read by others.  It's main purpose is to PUBLISH ideas.  And who better to read my ideas -- at least ones I find worth sharing -- with friends?  

So yeah, I'm an interesting person with interesting thoughts.  But as I think I said in my last post, there's much more to me than this.  I'm learning in my multi-cultural education class right now that you can NEVER completely understand another person.  When I'm dead, you can read my written journals and then you'll get a better picture.  

Learned:  How to tie a four-plait braid.

Listening to:  Nothing, but I have fracking "Cosi Fan Tutte" running through my head.  Again.  And again.

Blessings:  Gentlemen, bobby pins, and face masks.

Things Going On Today:  Dr. Staheli says "Lady Gaga" during class.  We actually get out of rehearsal before 11 o'clock.  And I fall asleep in chorale... again... much to the dismay of my sister.  

The Great Dishonesty -- And a Great Experiment

So... I found out today that someone I know personally reads this and gets concerned when I write certain things about my life that seem... well, depressing.  It's now making me VERY self-conscious about what I post here.  I always thought this was a place I could go to get feelings out quickly.  I keep a VERY detailed handwritten account of my life in journals, but sometimes writing is too slow and a stroke of emotion/genius/whatever would pass me by if I tried to write it out by hand.  So I type it out here.  And I don't usually go back and edit anything or make it sound nice or understandable.  I just WRITE.  I really haven't expected too many people to actually READ this... or at least take it super seriously.

There's a lot more to me than what you see on this blog.  Trust me.

So, just to clear the air.  Yes, I was depressed.  Yes, people should have been concerned.  And they were.  My Bishop wondered if I was anorexic.  My home teachers wondered if I was suicidal.  I wasn't either of those things, but I think part of me wanted people to think I was.  But that, in itself, should concern people.  It concerns me very much.

It's kind of funny.  I'm a complete sucker for attention.  It doesn't matter if it's good or not, I just want attention.  Sometimes I lie just so I can get people to notice me.  Back when I was in Junior High, I would scrape needles along my wrists just enough so that they looked like scars you get from slitting your wrists. I never actually slit my wrists.  Never.  But I made people think that I did.  I'd show my "scars" to everyone at school and eventually some good friends of mine told the school counselor and I was brought in to her office to "talk."  She kept telling me that I was loved and there were other ways to release the stresses in your life besides self-mutilation, but that all went in one ear and out the other because I knew that already.
I remember telling my mom that I cut.  She read through my lie like a book, so she didn't really care.  She just told me not to do it again and that was it.  I was so disappointed with her response, I grounded myself for the next three weekends.  I'm not joking.

It's sad.  I don't think I've changed that much since Junior High.  I still identify people as either "the popular kids" or the "unpopular kids" and I base my social interactions on those trite judgments.  I wear the same goofy fishnets and bustiers-over-t-shirts that I wore in eighth grade.  I still freak out like a twelve-year-old when I don't get my way.  And I still lie.  All the time.  I'm always constantly lying!  Trying to look more confident, more intelligent, more hard-core, more deviant, more jaded, more shy, more righteous, more sincere than I actually am.  Maybe that's the only reason why I listen to Lady Gaga and wear four-inch heels and write music.  I'm trying to portray this image of me as an "artist" when all I am is a fake.  Poser.  Sell-out.  Lie.  

But you know what?  I think the world is full of lies.  People lie all the time.  It's why girls wear make-up and shave their legs...  Gosh, why do we shave our legs anyway?  We all know that hair grows down there!  No one is fooling anybody!  Why be ashamed of something so natural, so unimportant?  Why are we ashamed to admit that we have issues?  Why do men insist on acting like "tough guys" when inside they have these things called feelings that are perfectly normal and justified?  Once, while I was waiting for a Bishop's interview, I read in a Psychology Journal that men are twice more likely to commit suicide then women, and one of the hypotheses for why that happens is that men refuse to accept help from anyone. They want people to think they're okay, they're in control.  They lie!!! Why do they do that?  Why do we, as a society, feel like we need to hide who we are all the time?

I feel like a total hypocrite when I say this, but it really bugs me when I see people on the internet complaining about how no one likes them, but they insist on spending every waking minute of their lives doing freaky, anti-social things like obsessing over teenage heartthrobs and writing violent poetry about their ex's girlfriends.  Again, I will acknowledge the fact that I am a total hypocrite, but I know I'm not as bad as some of the girls I know online.  Tumblr is a fascinating place.  These teenage girls publish post after post of these Instagram-created pictures of little slips of paper that they tore out of their Moleskine notebooks with sloppy handwritten song lyrics from some "obscure" band written on them.  Every Valentine's Day, they sit on their laptops and share their sob stories about how nobody likes them and how they're forever alone.  They post charts, comparing themselves to "other girls" who love makeup and boys and plastic and they claim that they're soooooo different from other people and that's why they can't get the guy or be popular.  They collect pictures of pretty Hipster things and fancy toys and expensive fashion that they can't afford. They talk about how no one understands them and they die their hair funny colors and take goofy pouty pictures of themselves because that's the only way they can think of to "express themselves." They follow celebrities as if doing that will connect them somehow. They live -- obsess over -- this LIE.  They're NOT different from anyone else.  Their story is the same as HUNDREDS OF OTHERS.  It's MY story.  It's my roommates' story.  Believe it or not, you're not the only one who sits by herself in her room on Valentine's day.  Just because you post artsy crap on your Tumblr account doesn't mean you're an artist.  And instead of griping over how no one likes you, or pretending like you know the Jonas Brothers SO WELL because you've posted every possible picture of them that you can find, why not go out INTO THE REAL WORLD and make friends with REAL people?  STOP LIVING YOUR INTERNET LIE!  STOP TRYING TO BE SOMETHING YOU'RE NOT!  BE A REAL PERSON.

And Taylor Swift?  STOP.  Just stop!  Stop writing about how you can't get the boy.  You're the prettiest girl on the planet.  Every man wants you.  Stop complaining.  There are girls out here in the REAL, NON-CELEBRITY world who have never had a date in their lives.  Girls who've been abused by their boyfriends. Girls who would give ANYTHING just to hear someone say "I love you" to them. You are spoiled.  There's no way you can understand how it feels to be ugly.  And now that I think about it, stop writing songs about how guys are calling you telling you "I still love you," and you're all like, "This is SO EXHAUSTING having guys call me and tell me they love me all the time!"  LADY...  DO YOU HONESTLY EXPECT ME TO FEEL SORRY FOR YOU?  You're complaining about how everyone wants you!  Stop it!!  Just get married already so I don't have to listen to your crap.

Okay, this post has DEFINITELY gone off the track I expected it to go.  The point is...  We all lie.  I lie a lot.  I've lied so much, I'm not even sure what the truth is anymore.  Lady Gaga says that she lies on purpose, over and over again, because the idea is that you lie until it becomes true.  Now, I'm not sure if I agree with that entirely. I believe there are some truths that will never change, no matter how much time you spend in denial.  But I do feel like I've created my own reality -- my own identity -- by lying to myself.  I don't want to lie anymore.  I want to be the REAL me, but I have absolutely no idea what that is!!  How do I even start finding it?

Experimentation, I guess, which is why I have been spending the last few weeks being incredibly cold towards humanity in general.  I've been taking crap from people for so long, I'd like to see what happens when I stop taking that crap and just throw it right back.  I may scare some people away, but maybe I'll feel happier with this more stalwart, tenacious, resilient me.  The "I don't care" me. I don't know how long it's gonna last, but I'd like to see if I gain confidence by acting apathetic. It's like Nicki Minaj says, "If you can't handle my worst, you ain't getting my best."

But of course, deep down, I'm sure that's also a lie.  I DO care.  A lot.  But perhaps I just need to dull my senses to that care a little bit so I can find a balance between caring and not caring.  I mean, I'm sure I'll survive even if I end up not getting a date for a whole year or never getting to know my roommates.  Maybe if I just survive enough, I'll grow more comfortable with it and disappointing people would become more easy to take.

I just need a complete re-do.  Extreme Makeover:  Soul Addition.  Maybe I can have a butterfly room.

This has gone on long enough.

So I have issues.  Sue me.  And if what I say on this blog depresses you that much, stop reading it.  I would almost like it better if no one read it, if that is the case.


Things going on Today:  Stake leadership training.  I got no homework done this weekend.
Blessings:  Friends, of course.  But also... enemies.
Listening to:  "Marilyn Monroe" by Nicki Minaj -- One of the greatest songs of all time, and one I relate to immensely at the present moment.
Learned: (through experience)  It's better to communicate with people than to just bottle up feelings and never let them out.

A sad story.

It's really sad when you see people you knew make stupid mistakes.  It's jarring to see my old classmates framed in mug-shot fashion in a news article like this.  It's also jarring that they're possibly going to spend some years in prison.

I knew Justin better than Zach.  He played the saxophone in the band that met at the same high school he broke into.  Wow.



http://burnsville.patch.com/articles/burnsville-men-charged-with-burglarizing-nicollet-junior-high


Listening to:  The entire "North" album by Matchbox Twenty.  Streaming on itunes!
Things going on today:  First Tuesday of the semester.  Singers auditions.
Blessings:  No class.  Computer labs at work.
Learned:  The various facets of the human voice.

A profound statement about what makes an "American"

In 1937 the anthropologist Ralph Linton published an article entitled "One-Hundred Percent American."  "There can be no question about the average American's Americanism or his desire to preserve his precious heritage at all costs," wrote Linton.  "Nevertheless, some insidious foreign ideas have already wormed their way into his civilization without his realizing what was going on."  These "insidious ideas" -- derived from the cultures of Asia, the Near East, Europe, Africa, and native America -- include pajamas, the toilet, soap, the toothbrush, the chair, shoes, the mirror, coffee, fermented and distilled drinks, the cigar, and even the newspaper.  On the train to work, Linton's "average American" reads the news of the day, imprinted in characters invented by the ancient Semites by a process invented in Germany on a material invented in China.  as he scans the latest editorial pointing out the dire results to our institutions of accepting foreign ideas, he thanks a Hebrew God in an Indo-European language that he is 100 percent (decimal system invented by the Greeks) american (from Americus Vespucci, Italian geographer).

--Larry Starr, Christopher Waterman
American Popular Music Second Edition 2007

Listening to:  Dolly Parton's "Coat of Many Colors"
Learned:  The Japanese have a tradition where they make art out of food.  This technique is called Bento.  Google it.  It's like amped-up school lunch!
Blessings:  Cool roommates.  A sister.  A bank.
Things going on today:  Bought a wig.  Paid for Gas.  Didn't find a Charles Schwab bank.

Heart Of Darkness: A quick, yet confusing read.

If you didn't get my hint, that was a photo still from the movie Apocalypse Now.  I had to watch that movie back in my senior year, and while there are parts I wish I could forget, I remember enough of that movie to be able to compare it to the book upon which it is based:  Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad.

The book and the movie are not very similar.  Even the very settings in which they are placed are strikingly different.  Heart of Darkness is set in Imperialist-era Africa, while Apocalypse Now takes place in Vietnam during America's controversial involvement there back in the 70's.  The character Marlow remains the ultimate perspective for both stories, but Apocalypse Now seemed like a more life-altering and disillusioning experience than what Marlow saw in the novel.  Heart of Darkness was rather dry.  Most of it was talking and observing simple natural phenomenon as Marlow travels to meet the man named Kurtz, who is present in both stories.  There were some parts where I wondered exactly who was speaking at one time.  Very few characters are brought into the limelight enough for me to recognize them as they perform various plot tasks. Perhaps this was what Conrad's intention, but it was difficult for me to follow the different personalities and to gauge their importance in the entire plot.

Simply put, this book probably was made cooler by the movie.  This doesn't make my favorites list, but maybe if I read it again, it would make more sense.

Listening to:  Big Bang Theory
Blessings:  Blankets, Saturdays.
Learned:  That there is more than one day to fix an 80's speaker system.
Things Going On Today:  Work.  Tried to try out for Staheli's choir, but he never opened his door.

My Next Literary Adventure...

My next read:

Here's a hint.  Hopefully someone understands this reference.

Listening to:  Officer Jenny, "I saw the sky collapse."
Things going on today:  Olympics.  Missionaries over for breakfast.
Learned:  A little about the Relay races at the Olympics.
Blessings:  Mirrors.  Matching dress sizes.  Grandmas.

Portrait of a Lady

Finished Henry James' Portrait of a Lady this week.  Not my favorite book ever, but it had its good points.  I guess the best part about the book is the independent women.  Isabel Archer Osmond, while not the best example because she does end up marrying a misogynistic scum-bag, is a fiery character with lots of great ideas for herself and her future.  I may be wrong, but I think most women during that day and age were not given many opportunities to express their opinions or do what they wanted to do, so in a way this lifestyle is pretty revolutionary for its time.  Isabel wouldn't just marry the first rich guy to cross her path.  She sort of rejects three guys before she settles down.  But, UNfortunately, she is still sort of used and abused by society and ends up getting pushed into an "arranged" marriage after all. And in this marriage, she is stripped of a lot of her agency as a woman. So, like I said, she's not the best example.
But there are others.  Look at Herietta Stackpole, for example.  She not only gets married until the end of the book, but she's a business woman!  She writes!  How often do you see one of THOSE in nineteenth-century novels.  A woman of letters!  In the book, lots of people don't have a lot of respect for her.  She's intimidating and modern.  But I appreciate her spunk and her willingness to just do what she wants and serve those she loves.
My favorite character in the book is Ralph Touchett.  He's the most loyal, sweet, and wise person in the book.  The one who's always there, always willing to forgive, even if you make the stupid choice.  I'm glad Isabel learns to really appreciate him in the end.
 Something I learned from this book that I want to take with me into my own relationships:  First impressions can be very deceiving.  When you are dating someone, try to get to know the ENTIRE person before you decide to settle down with them.  Isabel thought she knew her husband Gilbert really well, but it turns out that he was not only a sour, somewhat emotionally abusive codger, but he was in some pretty big scandals in his younger years.  No wife ever wants to find out what Isabel finds out about Gilbert.  So watch out!  Demand honesty in a relationship.  Settle for nothing less than someone who loves you entirely.  Someone who will put you first and respect your opinions, not wish you didn't have any.  Sure, people make mistakes and they deserve a second chance, but keeping it a secret is not the way you go about deserving that second chance.  I never liked Gilbert Osmond from the start.  But more and more he is reminding me of some people I've seen in my life that I invested too much in.  They always end up disappointing you, but it's hard to leave them once you've started.  The very end of this book reflects that truth.

Listening to:  Officer Jenny's Album, "Grape Crayons."  It's super indie.
Things Going On Today:  Ran errands with dad.  Grocery shopping with mom.  It's good to be home.
Blessings:  Home.  Cars.  Coupons.
Learned:  How to change the oil in a car.