A few interesting things have happened to me this week. Most of them made me start thinking about what love actually is and what it means. I've come to this conclusion: I don't know how to love yet. I know how to act like I love someone, and I know that someday I will know how to love someone, but I just don't actually love anybody yet.
I have come to two conclusions about my personal relationship with love. The first is that I now know what it feels like to do something for someone, with someone, TO someone that should require love, but didn't. I'm really not in the mood to write down any details but lets just say I felt absolutely nothing. It meant nothing. There is no attatchment, no passion, no emotion whatsoever. Furthermore, there is no regret, no remorse, no shame either. It's just empty. I look back and I remember it and it should be a happy memory, but it's not. It's not a bad memory, either. It's just a memory. Yikes, that's not supposed to happen. I feel I'm becoming less and less human with every relationship I form.
The second conclusion involves another romantic encounter I have had this past week. This one was not as direct or discreditable. It involved a man expressing his feelings about me against his better judgement. This was a man I thought I loved, but now that I've finally had those feelings reciprocated, I'm not sure if it's love anymore. As a matter of fact, I KNOW what I felt for this guy wasn't love. As I think about it now, I realize there are a lot of things I have to be willing to sacrifice in order to love him, and I'm not ready to sacrifice those things yet. I may end up loving him in the future, but at this point, all I feel is that empty feeling again. That feeling of robotic non-emotion. This is not love.
That's the bad news. The good news is that it's not lust, either. I had a physical relationship with this guy, but it has long since been over and now I wonder if I even really find him attractive. The answer is no, but yes. I find his personality and charm attractive, and I think that counts for something much deeper than looks. So if it's not love, and it's not lust, what is it? Fascination? Infatuation? Fear, even? What is happening to me? Will I ever be able to truly love a man for everything he is, or will it all just be this plastic, selfish, love-lust crossover that I feel right now?
This makes me wish boys didn't even exist.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
THE APOLOGY OF SOCRATES. TOLD BY PLATO, RETOLD BY ME
Paragraph 1: Kay guys, so there's a lot of haters out there who say I'm a liar. They say I'm good at sweet-talking, but I'm really not. I just tell it like it is in my own way.
2: The people who accuse me can be split into two groups. There's the group that steered you wrong when you were young and impressionable. Of course you followed them becaus we there was no one to tell you otherwise. But now there are also people who are living today who manipulate and are fed by envy and malice. I'll deal with the old ones first, then the new.
3: I hope I can win your hearts, though I know it won't be easy. But let God's will be done.
4: What do my accusers say? They say Socrates teaches false doctrine. Aristophanes even wrote a play that made fun of me. But that's not my business. My business is to tell you the truth, and it's your business to judge it.
5: I am not a paid teacher, though I respect the profession. There's a story told of a man with two sons. I asked the man, "If your kids were horses, you'd give 'em to a horse trainer. But there isn't a people-trainer, is there?" The man told me yes, there was. And he taught for cheap, despite all his wisdom." Heaven's, I'm surprised he doesn't charge more! I know I would... but I can't. So I don't.
6: Well then why do people accuse me of this, then? Surely there must be some grounds for it? Well, it's because I'm "wise." I'm not wise in an unattainable sense, but as God is my witness, I am the wisest. The oracle at Delphi said so.
7: But I don't think I'm the wisest! Why would God say that? God can't lie. That's against his nature! So I decided to go out and look for a man wiser than myself. I went to this politician, who I thought was very wise at first. But it turned out the more I talked to him, the less wise he became. He thought he was wise, but he wasn't. So he hated me. I came to the conclusion that I am better off than he is -- because he thinks he knows something, yet knows nothing. I don't even think I know. This applied to every "wise" person I talked to.
8: After experimenting on this, I became more sure that "wise" people are actually very foolish -- it's the inferior men who know more. After politicians, I went to the poets. I asked what their verses meant, but all they did was brag about how "inspired" they are. They wrote the stuff, but they didn't understand it. So they're not wise, either.
9: I went to the artisans next. They knew a lot of stuff... but they still thoght they knew more than they actually did. I'm still better off!
10: So that's why people hate me. I am not wise. Only God is wise. Our wisdom is nothing. You are only wise when you come to understand that wisdom is worth nothing. So it's my job to get people to realize their own foolishness. I'm consumed by this quest.
11: People react towards me rather than towards themselves when they hear this. They blame me, even though I did nothing evil. They don't like to be told they are wrong. I'm simply plain with my accusers, and they hate me for it. This hatred is proof that I speak truth.
12: So that's the OLD accusers. Now for the new. What do THEY accuse me of? They say I don't worship God and I corrupt youth. They are, in fact, the evil ones -- they make a joke out of serious things -- they claim they care, but the don't. I'll have a conversation with one of them: Mr. Meletus.
S: So you care about youth?
M: Yes.
S: Who is improving them? You've accused me as their corrupter... who is their improver?
M: Speechless.
S: You've got nothing to say. How shameful! Doesn't this mean you don't care??
M: The laws!
S: But I need a person! Who knows the laws?
M: Judges.
S: How do they improve youth? Do they?
M: yes.
S: All of them?
M: yes.
S: Good! Does the audience improve youth?
M: Yes.
S: And Senators too?
M: Senators, too.
S: What about ecclesiats?
M: Them too.
S: That's like everyone in Athens, then! Everyone but me!
M: You got that right.
S: Too bad! But... what about horses? Does only one man do them harm? No... many injure them. Sometimes it's just the trainer who does them good. There is never just one corrupter. Obviously you don't care enough about the children to think of this. Obviously it's better to live among good people, Right?
M: Yep.
S: Does anyone like to be injured?
M: Nope.
S: so you think I intentionally corrupt youth?
M: Yes.
S: But you just said that good neighbors are good doers... why would I want to corrupt someone if he's gonna injure me? So either I don't corrupt them, or I do it unintentionally. Either way, you lie. If I did it unintentionally, you should have privately corrected me. Instead you bring me here to be punished! One more thing. How do I corrupt the young? Am I worshipping false gods?
M: you are.
S: What do you mean? I believe in Gods. So I'm not an atheist. Are my Gods different from the laws?
M: I believe you're an atheist.
S: Why?? I believe in the Gods of the sun and moon!
M: Yet you believe the sun is stone and the moon is earth.
S: That's Anaxagoras... but what about me?
M: You don't believe in God!
S: Liar! You don't even believe yourself! You thought you could get away with being a walking contradiction, but you can't! This is a joke! Let's look at this guy, judges, and see. you can't see a flute player without flute playing. you can't see horsemanship without horses. Neither can you see divine agencies without God, right?
M: Right.
S: I believe in spiritual agencies! I believe in divine beings, I believe in God! Spirits and demigods are all God, right?
M: Right.
S: If I believe in a demigod -- a child of god -- I believe in the parent! I can't say mules exist without horses and donkeys. Nonsense! You have nothing to accuse me of. Yet I still have many enemies: envy and distraction. That kills a lot of people.
12: Am I ashamed? Am I ashamed of dying? No. It's not about life or death, it's about right or wrong. We shouldn't worry about death, but honor. That's what Achilles did.
13: This is a mission God wants me to fulfill -- to deny this mission is to deny him. I'd think I was wise, even though I'm not. Fear of death is the pretence of wisdom. No one knows what comes after death. Why pretend to know? That's foolish! Death may be bad, but it may also be good -- why avoid what is good? I will obey God rather than man. I care about deeper truths -- not money and reputation, but improvement of the soul. A guy can't do this without virtue. Don't think of yourself and your properties. Care about your soul. After that, you'll get those other things. I will not change.
14: If you kill me, you will injure yourself more than me. Bad things can't really hurt me. To kill an innocent man is bad for you! Don't sin against God. I'm like a gadfly, and the state is like a horse. I stir it to life -- I land on you and wake you up. I'm not easily replaced. You may be irritated by me -- you may wanna kill me and keep sleeping, but dontt! I'm like your brother! I don't seek payment!
15: Why do I not publicly do this? Why am I not a politician? The oracle has forbidden me. If I was a politician, you wouldn't see me today to help you still. I'd die early.
16: I'll give you an example: I was a Senator for a while. We had won a battle, but our prisoners needed to be tried. You wanted to try them all together, but that's illegal. I said so, even though you threatened to kill me. Later, after the democracy, the oligarchy told us to bring another prisoner, but he was innocent, so I didn't ring him. I would have died if the oligarchy had survived.
17: Now do you see how I wouldn't have survived in politics? I simply tell it like it is, and invite all to follow -- no pay needed. I am no respecter of persons. I tell the world.
18: I like it when foolish people argue with me. it's fun! But I'm doing my godly duty. if I'm corrupting children, how? They're turning out to be pretty decent people! Let those who believe they have been corrupted come forward! Or their families! Anyone? I see a lot of you here! You all know I speak truth.
19: One more thing: To those who may be offended by my presence here -- all by myself, not fearing death -- I am a man, flesh and blood. I have a family, yes. but I won't bring them here. That would be discreditable. Some people act really stupid when they're accused of something. People fear death -- they want to be immortal, continuing to live. These people are wimps. They make the city look ridiculous.
20: Judges need to give justice according to the laws. Don't bribe them. Remember: Believe in God, and it is before him that I make my argument.
21: I've been condemned, but I don't grieve. Why? I expected it. In fact, the vote was closer in my favor than I expected.
22: They propose death. Remember, I don't care about things of the world. I only went about doing what good that I could. I've besought of you to look inside yourselves and find virtue. Good comes from good. A good poor man deserves more than an athlete who won a race. I need, but he has enough.
23: I'm not begging innocence. I'm just saying Ive never wronged anyone. I don't think a capital offense should be concluded in one day, either. I have too little time to convince you. I don't deserve death, but I don't fear it. I may be imprisoned instead of put to death, but death may be better than imprisonment. I'd hate to be exiled, separated from he people I serve. Besides, I'll get kicked out wherever I go. I can't hold my tongue. To converse about virtue is the greatest good of man. A life unexamined is not worth living. I have no money, so I can pay no fines.
24: Your name will be shamed because you killed me, Socrates, a wise man. you should have waited to see the reward of my words. To those who convicted me, it wasn't my words that bothered you. It's cuz I didn't cry and beg for forgiveness. I was bold til the end. I did not try to escape death. I did not surrender. I avoided unrighteousness, not death. Now you'll be the unrighteous ones. You'll have your reward.
25: I have a prophecy: You'll get much worse than me. You'll still have to face the music -- there will be others who will tell it like it is like I did. you can't avoid accusation by killing people. Don't kill others, improve yourselves.
26: My friends, stay and let me talk to you. The oracle didn't disapprove of anything I did today. Nothing. How can we explain this? It means that everything I said was meant to be said. it was good. Death can't be bad. It's good!
27: Death is either nothing or it is something. It's either utter unconsciousness or it is a migration to a new world. So I either have a nice sleep to look forward to -- a deep undisturbed sleep with no dreams -- which would be great -- eternity is only a single night. But if death is a journey, that's good too! He's delivered from the evils of this world -- true judgment reigns. We'll see good men -- and we can talk to them! I'd love this! I'd continue my search for knowledge among great heroes! I will be happy and immortal!
28: No evil can happen to a good man. Nothing happens by chance. God loves good men. To die is better for me. I am not angry! I gently blame them for trying to do me wrong, but they didn't.
29: Teach my sons what I taught you, please! Reprove them if they pretend to be wise or seek riches.
30: I'm gonna die now. God only knows what's next.
2: The people who accuse me can be split into two groups. There's the group that steered you wrong when you were young and impressionable. Of course you followed them becaus we there was no one to tell you otherwise. But now there are also people who are living today who manipulate and are fed by envy and malice. I'll deal with the old ones first, then the new.
3: I hope I can win your hearts, though I know it won't be easy. But let God's will be done.
4: What do my accusers say? They say Socrates teaches false doctrine. Aristophanes even wrote a play that made fun of me. But that's not my business. My business is to tell you the truth, and it's your business to judge it.
5: I am not a paid teacher, though I respect the profession. There's a story told of a man with two sons. I asked the man, "If your kids were horses, you'd give 'em to a horse trainer. But there isn't a people-trainer, is there?" The man told me yes, there was. And he taught for cheap, despite all his wisdom." Heaven's, I'm surprised he doesn't charge more! I know I would... but I can't. So I don't.
6: Well then why do people accuse me of this, then? Surely there must be some grounds for it? Well, it's because I'm "wise." I'm not wise in an unattainable sense, but as God is my witness, I am the wisest. The oracle at Delphi said so.
7: But I don't think I'm the wisest! Why would God say that? God can't lie. That's against his nature! So I decided to go out and look for a man wiser than myself. I went to this politician, who I thought was very wise at first. But it turned out the more I talked to him, the less wise he became. He thought he was wise, but he wasn't. So he hated me. I came to the conclusion that I am better off than he is -- because he thinks he knows something, yet knows nothing. I don't even think I know. This applied to every "wise" person I talked to.
8: After experimenting on this, I became more sure that "wise" people are actually very foolish -- it's the inferior men who know more. After politicians, I went to the poets. I asked what their verses meant, but all they did was brag about how "inspired" they are. They wrote the stuff, but they didn't understand it. So they're not wise, either.
9: I went to the artisans next. They knew a lot of stuff... but they still thoght they knew more than they actually did. I'm still better off!
10: So that's why people hate me. I am not wise. Only God is wise. Our wisdom is nothing. You are only wise when you come to understand that wisdom is worth nothing. So it's my job to get people to realize their own foolishness. I'm consumed by this quest.
11: People react towards me rather than towards themselves when they hear this. They blame me, even though I did nothing evil. They don't like to be told they are wrong. I'm simply plain with my accusers, and they hate me for it. This hatred is proof that I speak truth.
12: So that's the OLD accusers. Now for the new. What do THEY accuse me of? They say I don't worship God and I corrupt youth. They are, in fact, the evil ones -- they make a joke out of serious things -- they claim they care, but the don't. I'll have a conversation with one of them: Mr. Meletus.
S: So you care about youth?
M: Yes.
S: Who is improving them? You've accused me as their corrupter... who is their improver?
M: Speechless.
S: You've got nothing to say. How shameful! Doesn't this mean you don't care??
M: The laws!
S: But I need a person! Who knows the laws?
M: Judges.
S: How do they improve youth? Do they?
M: yes.
S: All of them?
M: yes.
S: Good! Does the audience improve youth?
M: Yes.
S: And Senators too?
M: Senators, too.
S: What about ecclesiats?
M: Them too.
S: That's like everyone in Athens, then! Everyone but me!
M: You got that right.
S: Too bad! But... what about horses? Does only one man do them harm? No... many injure them. Sometimes it's just the trainer who does them good. There is never just one corrupter. Obviously you don't care enough about the children to think of this. Obviously it's better to live among good people, Right?
M: Yep.
S: Does anyone like to be injured?
M: Nope.
S: so you think I intentionally corrupt youth?
M: Yes.
S: But you just said that good neighbors are good doers... why would I want to corrupt someone if he's gonna injure me? So either I don't corrupt them, or I do it unintentionally. Either way, you lie. If I did it unintentionally, you should have privately corrected me. Instead you bring me here to be punished! One more thing. How do I corrupt the young? Am I worshipping false gods?
M: you are.
S: What do you mean? I believe in Gods. So I'm not an atheist. Are my Gods different from the laws?
M: I believe you're an atheist.
S: Why?? I believe in the Gods of the sun and moon!
M: Yet you believe the sun is stone and the moon is earth.
S: That's Anaxagoras... but what about me?
M: You don't believe in God!
S: Liar! You don't even believe yourself! You thought you could get away with being a walking contradiction, but you can't! This is a joke! Let's look at this guy, judges, and see. you can't see a flute player without flute playing. you can't see horsemanship without horses. Neither can you see divine agencies without God, right?
M: Right.
S: I believe in spiritual agencies! I believe in divine beings, I believe in God! Spirits and demigods are all God, right?
M: Right.
S: If I believe in a demigod -- a child of god -- I believe in the parent! I can't say mules exist without horses and donkeys. Nonsense! You have nothing to accuse me of. Yet I still have many enemies: envy and distraction. That kills a lot of people.
12: Am I ashamed? Am I ashamed of dying? No. It's not about life or death, it's about right or wrong. We shouldn't worry about death, but honor. That's what Achilles did.
13: This is a mission God wants me to fulfill -- to deny this mission is to deny him. I'd think I was wise, even though I'm not. Fear of death is the pretence of wisdom. No one knows what comes after death. Why pretend to know? That's foolish! Death may be bad, but it may also be good -- why avoid what is good? I will obey God rather than man. I care about deeper truths -- not money and reputation, but improvement of the soul. A guy can't do this without virtue. Don't think of yourself and your properties. Care about your soul. After that, you'll get those other things. I will not change.
14: If you kill me, you will injure yourself more than me. Bad things can't really hurt me. To kill an innocent man is bad for you! Don't sin against God. I'm like a gadfly, and the state is like a horse. I stir it to life -- I land on you and wake you up. I'm not easily replaced. You may be irritated by me -- you may wanna kill me and keep sleeping, but dontt! I'm like your brother! I don't seek payment!
15: Why do I not publicly do this? Why am I not a politician? The oracle has forbidden me. If I was a politician, you wouldn't see me today to help you still. I'd die early.
16: I'll give you an example: I was a Senator for a while. We had won a battle, but our prisoners needed to be tried. You wanted to try them all together, but that's illegal. I said so, even though you threatened to kill me. Later, after the democracy, the oligarchy told us to bring another prisoner, but he was innocent, so I didn't ring him. I would have died if the oligarchy had survived.
17: Now do you see how I wouldn't have survived in politics? I simply tell it like it is, and invite all to follow -- no pay needed. I am no respecter of persons. I tell the world.
18: I like it when foolish people argue with me. it's fun! But I'm doing my godly duty. if I'm corrupting children, how? They're turning out to be pretty decent people! Let those who believe they have been corrupted come forward! Or their families! Anyone? I see a lot of you here! You all know I speak truth.
19: One more thing: To those who may be offended by my presence here -- all by myself, not fearing death -- I am a man, flesh and blood. I have a family, yes. but I won't bring them here. That would be discreditable. Some people act really stupid when they're accused of something. People fear death -- they want to be immortal, continuing to live. These people are wimps. They make the city look ridiculous.
20: Judges need to give justice according to the laws. Don't bribe them. Remember: Believe in God, and it is before him that I make my argument.
21: I've been condemned, but I don't grieve. Why? I expected it. In fact, the vote was closer in my favor than I expected.
22: They propose death. Remember, I don't care about things of the world. I only went about doing what good that I could. I've besought of you to look inside yourselves and find virtue. Good comes from good. A good poor man deserves more than an athlete who won a race. I need, but he has enough.
23: I'm not begging innocence. I'm just saying Ive never wronged anyone. I don't think a capital offense should be concluded in one day, either. I have too little time to convince you. I don't deserve death, but I don't fear it. I may be imprisoned instead of put to death, but death may be better than imprisonment. I'd hate to be exiled, separated from he people I serve. Besides, I'll get kicked out wherever I go. I can't hold my tongue. To converse about virtue is the greatest good of man. A life unexamined is not worth living. I have no money, so I can pay no fines.
24: Your name will be shamed because you killed me, Socrates, a wise man. you should have waited to see the reward of my words. To those who convicted me, it wasn't my words that bothered you. It's cuz I didn't cry and beg for forgiveness. I was bold til the end. I did not try to escape death. I did not surrender. I avoided unrighteousness, not death. Now you'll be the unrighteous ones. You'll have your reward.
25: I have a prophecy: You'll get much worse than me. You'll still have to face the music -- there will be others who will tell it like it is like I did. you can't avoid accusation by killing people. Don't kill others, improve yourselves.
26: My friends, stay and let me talk to you. The oracle didn't disapprove of anything I did today. Nothing. How can we explain this? It means that everything I said was meant to be said. it was good. Death can't be bad. It's good!
27: Death is either nothing or it is something. It's either utter unconsciousness or it is a migration to a new world. So I either have a nice sleep to look forward to -- a deep undisturbed sleep with no dreams -- which would be great -- eternity is only a single night. But if death is a journey, that's good too! He's delivered from the evils of this world -- true judgment reigns. We'll see good men -- and we can talk to them! I'd love this! I'd continue my search for knowledge among great heroes! I will be happy and immortal!
28: No evil can happen to a good man. Nothing happens by chance. God loves good men. To die is better for me. I am not angry! I gently blame them for trying to do me wrong, but they didn't.
29: Teach my sons what I taught you, please! Reprove them if they pretend to be wise or seek riches.
30: I'm gonna die now. God only knows what's next.
Welcome back..
I've been gone for a long time and I don't know how long I'll be back, but here's some cool stuff I have found this past week in the shoe world: Noritaka Tatehana.
Lady Gaga wears these a LOT, especially the Black Night Makers....
V Magazine Photoshoot
Rolling Stone Photoshoot
Monday, August 30, 2010
First Day of Classes :/
I discovered something funny about two of my classes today. I have English and Humanities on Monday and Wednesday. My English teacher is a funny-looking, sort of youngish woman with a pale, pale face and red hair. She talks VERY VERY fast. I hardly could keep up with the whole discussion. There was no time to THINK, which I think is important in literature.
On the other hand, my Humanities teacher is SO SLOW that I end up losing track of what I am learning. I think he may forget what he's saying himself halfway through the sentence. He's a lot older, too. And he has a lot of "soapbox" moments, too. I worry I may fall asleep in his class.
So yeah. First day of classes. :/ Hopefully these two teachers will cancel each other out.
On the other hand, my Humanities teacher is SO SLOW that I end up losing track of what I am learning. I think he may forget what he's saying himself halfway through the sentence. He's a lot older, too. And he has a lot of "soapbox" moments, too. I worry I may fall asleep in his class.
So yeah. First day of classes. :/ Hopefully these two teachers will cancel each other out.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Fight
"Well, Jacob, some things are just important to me!" she screamed, running into the bathroom to try and erase the blemishes that appeared under her eyes, made up of mascara, sweat, and tears.
"I already told you I'm sorry!" he answered from the other side of the bedroom. His hands were at his sides, as if surrendering.
"But you're NOT!" she screamed, stomping back out of the bathroom again without even completely reaching up to run her finger across her eyelids before another cascade of tears left their prints across her cheeks. "You wanna know what your problem is? You. Don't. CARE!" The last word ended in a choke, a wretched sob, and then another and another. She's buckling over now, as if the weeping were possessing her. "About anybody!" her mouth moved but nothing came out. She looked up at him with searching eyes, but all she found was a gape. A worthless gape that proved even further that he understood nothing.
All he could do was stare. Suddenly his wife had become someone else; a monster about to swallow her with her gaping mouth and roaring sobs. What could he do? He dare not run. She would always out-run him, out-scream him, out-push him. Where had this started? The tube of lip stick? The phone call? The bill notice lying on the table? He could not remember. All that took his mind was this thing that was crouching over the bed, shaking, wailing.
Finally one word escaped his lips. "Honey..."
"Don't 'honey' me!" She screamed, suddenly losing the sobs that had so overcome her just seconds ago. "I hate it when you call me honey! I hate it when anybody calls me honey! I want honey to go to HELL!"
"Okay! Hannah. Please. Look at yourself! Just look at yourself for at least a minute! One MINUTE!?" Suddenly the words poured from his lips. It was not like him to talk so much without thinking. He was always the one in control; patient, forgiving, almost all-knowing at times. But suddenly feelings began to rush to his head like vomit and there was only one way out. "I don't care? I don't care about the fact that my child is in your womb now, waiting to come out into... this?? You think I don't care about you? Geez, I only let you walk all over me because it feels good?? You think I take your... your baggage around because I feel like it, huh? Am I a bad husband? Do you regret marrying me? Are you better off without --"
"SHUT UP!" She screamed.
"SHUT UP!" He replied
She lunged from her place beside the bed across the white covers. He flinched out of reflex, but there was little need. Her fist swung at his face, but there was so little control it hardly hit his shoulder. She crashed onto the bed, sprawled out like an oozing ball of tears and snot. And there she stayed, completely miserable. He stood above her, completely lost. There they stayed for eight seconds... three sniffles from her, six deep heaves of breath from him. Finally, out of the corner of her wet, stinging eyes, she could see his shadow on the carpet sink away toward its founding source of the downstairs lights.
"No," she moaned. "No, no, n-n-no, no wait. Wait! WAIT!" She sat up, her eyes fixed upon his retreating shadow. "Don't go!"
The figure stopped and turned. She finally snapped her head towards his own.
"Don't go! Please, no!" She was now a child, clambering on her hands and knees as quickly as she could across the mattress, nearly tumbling head first over the edge of the bed, forgetting how to walk as she dove at his form. "I-I don't want you to go! No-no I didn't mean it! I didn't mean it!"
She clutched at his chest with her groping hands and dove her face into his neck, drowning it in tears.
"I didn't mean it! I want you to stay! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it! I didn't mean it! I really love you!" More tears.
He put his arms across her back, buried his face in her wild brown hair and rocked side to side, cradling his beloved monster-child of a wife, chanting, "I know, I know. Me too, me too. I know I know."
There they stood, rocking and weeping and chanting, until finally her words came out, "I hate this fight and I never wanna fight again. Never, never, never!"
"I already told you I'm sorry!" he answered from the other side of the bedroom. His hands were at his sides, as if surrendering.
"But you're NOT!" she screamed, stomping back out of the bathroom again without even completely reaching up to run her finger across her eyelids before another cascade of tears left their prints across her cheeks. "You wanna know what your problem is? You. Don't. CARE!" The last word ended in a choke, a wretched sob, and then another and another. She's buckling over now, as if the weeping were possessing her. "About anybody!" her mouth moved but nothing came out. She looked up at him with searching eyes, but all she found was a gape. A worthless gape that proved even further that he understood nothing.
All he could do was stare. Suddenly his wife had become someone else; a monster about to swallow her with her gaping mouth and roaring sobs. What could he do? He dare not run. She would always out-run him, out-scream him, out-push him. Where had this started? The tube of lip stick? The phone call? The bill notice lying on the table? He could not remember. All that took his mind was this thing that was crouching over the bed, shaking, wailing.
Finally one word escaped his lips. "Honey..."
"Don't 'honey' me!" She screamed, suddenly losing the sobs that had so overcome her just seconds ago. "I hate it when you call me honey! I hate it when anybody calls me honey! I want honey to go to HELL!"
"Okay! Hannah. Please. Look at yourself! Just look at yourself for at least a minute! One MINUTE!?" Suddenly the words poured from his lips. It was not like him to talk so much without thinking. He was always the one in control; patient, forgiving, almost all-knowing at times. But suddenly feelings began to rush to his head like vomit and there was only one way out. "I don't care? I don't care about the fact that my child is in your womb now, waiting to come out into... this?? You think I don't care about you? Geez, I only let you walk all over me because it feels good?? You think I take your... your baggage around because I feel like it, huh? Am I a bad husband? Do you regret marrying me? Are you better off without --"
"SHUT UP!" She screamed.
"SHUT UP!" He replied
She lunged from her place beside the bed across the white covers. He flinched out of reflex, but there was little need. Her fist swung at his face, but there was so little control it hardly hit his shoulder. She crashed onto the bed, sprawled out like an oozing ball of tears and snot. And there she stayed, completely miserable. He stood above her, completely lost. There they stayed for eight seconds... three sniffles from her, six deep heaves of breath from him. Finally, out of the corner of her wet, stinging eyes, she could see his shadow on the carpet sink away toward its founding source of the downstairs lights.
"No," she moaned. "No, no, n-n-no, no wait. Wait! WAIT!" She sat up, her eyes fixed upon his retreating shadow. "Don't go!"
The figure stopped and turned. She finally snapped her head towards his own.
"Don't go! Please, no!" She was now a child, clambering on her hands and knees as quickly as she could across the mattress, nearly tumbling head first over the edge of the bed, forgetting how to walk as she dove at his form. "I-I don't want you to go! No-no I didn't mean it! I didn't mean it!"
She clutched at his chest with her groping hands and dove her face into his neck, drowning it in tears.
"I didn't mean it! I want you to stay! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it! I didn't mean it! I really love you!" More tears.
He put his arms across her back, buried his face in her wild brown hair and rocked side to side, cradling his beloved monster-child of a wife, chanting, "I know, I know. Me too, me too. I know I know."
There they stood, rocking and weeping and chanting, until finally her words came out, "I hate this fight and I never wanna fight again. Never, never, never!"
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
First Apartment Dreams
I had some funny dreams last night. I was in my new apartment, sleeping in this bed for the first time. It got very hot, so I woke up once or twice, so I had a few completely separate dreams.
First off... I dreamt I was traveling across a green landscape on a train with a bunch of my friends from church and from high school. We stopped at this big hotel and Mike Sanderson was giving piggy-back rides there. I got one. But then I saw Jordan Beal and suddenly we started this teenage romance thing. He asked me if I was his friend or his enemy. I said friend and then he let me wear his big lumberjack sweater. It wasn't long til we were both under the sweater, keeping warm together.
Then Sister Mason came in and told us she was pregnant. The Deavens were worried about whether or not that meant they could still have their voice recitals.
Then I dreamt that I was flying kites out on a dock next to the wild ocean. It was night time, and I was in my underwear. It began to rain. Then, out of nowhere, I was up on the kite ... still almost naked. Eminem was down there, "flying" me into the rain. Then a giant red and black fish came out of the water and snapped at me. Eminem said that he wouldn't let me die; he'd save me. So he flew me higher so that the fish could never reach me.
Yes, interesting dreams.
The one with Jordan felt very real. Suddenly I like him again.
First off... I dreamt I was traveling across a green landscape on a train with a bunch of my friends from church and from high school. We stopped at this big hotel and Mike Sanderson was giving piggy-back rides there. I got one. But then I saw Jordan Beal and suddenly we started this teenage romance thing. He asked me if I was his friend or his enemy. I said friend and then he let me wear his big lumberjack sweater. It wasn't long til we were both under the sweater, keeping warm together.
Then Sister Mason came in and told us she was pregnant. The Deavens were worried about whether or not that meant they could still have their voice recitals.
Then I dreamt that I was flying kites out on a dock next to the wild ocean. It was night time, and I was in my underwear. It began to rain. Then, out of nowhere, I was up on the kite ... still almost naked. Eminem was down there, "flying" me into the rain. Then a giant red and black fish came out of the water and snapped at me. Eminem said that he wouldn't let me die; he'd save me. So he flew me higher so that the fish could never reach me.
Yes, interesting dreams.
The one with Jordan felt very real. Suddenly I like him again.
How to Train Your Dragon
I finally saw the movie How to Train your Dragon, although I was hesitant. If it wasn't at the dollar theater, I wouldn't have gone with my cousin and her friend Spencer to see it. When I first saw previews for it, I thought it would be just another animated Dreamworks knock-off. I didn't like Shrek all that much, and Madagascar was only funny once (and don't get me started on the sequels!).
But when these two people were over at my house, they told me OVER and OVER again that it was one of the best movies of the year. Spencer had seen it TEN TIMES already. Who sees a movie ten times? That's like fifty bucks! So I figured it must be good so I went.
It was a good movie. Of course it wasn't the greatest movie ever, but there were definitely some moments that had me completely awestruck. The 3D animation was so real!! I didn't even see the actual "3D" version (I am avoiding that at all costs), but the beards, the scales, the water, the grass... it looked almost too real for comfort. And of course I liked the movie a lot better when I found out GERARD BUTLER played the voice of Hiccup's father. Hiccup himself was a very believable teenager. I haven't quite seen one with such dry humor and awkward behavior yet in an animated movie. He sort of reminded me of my cousin Taggart, which was really cool.
What I didn't like about the movie sort of makes me sound like a killjoy. Vikings never fought dragons. Dragons don't exist. They never did exist. Maybe I'm missing some mythological background, but why Vikings and Dragons? Perhaps I need to do some research before I go straight to this judgement.
But when these two people were over at my house, they told me OVER and OVER again that it was one of the best movies of the year. Spencer had seen it TEN TIMES already. Who sees a movie ten times? That's like fifty bucks! So I figured it must be good so I went.
It was a good movie. Of course it wasn't the greatest movie ever, but there were definitely some moments that had me completely awestruck. The 3D animation was so real!! I didn't even see the actual "3D" version (I am avoiding that at all costs), but the beards, the scales, the water, the grass... it looked almost too real for comfort. And of course I liked the movie a lot better when I found out GERARD BUTLER played the voice of Hiccup's father. Hiccup himself was a very believable teenager. I haven't quite seen one with such dry humor and awkward behavior yet in an animated movie. He sort of reminded me of my cousin Taggart, which was really cool.
What I didn't like about the movie sort of makes me sound like a killjoy. Vikings never fought dragons. Dragons don't exist. They never did exist. Maybe I'm missing some mythological background, but why Vikings and Dragons? Perhaps I need to do some research before I go straight to this judgement.
Helena's Movie Rating: 3/4
Good for: families, goofy friend movies, a pick-me-up
PS Doesn't Toothless look like a cat??
Saturday, July 31, 2010
This Summer I...
I haven't been updating here as much these day because of how busy I am and because of how easily portable a book-diary is compared to a big honkin' computer with wi-fi. Sorry.
But I suppose I could mention that this summer:
I was called beautiful by someone.
I made new friends.
I lost a few friends.
I regained some friendships that I had once lost.
I got a job and worked.
I got a speeding ticket and had to pay a fine.
I got a lot of new free clothes.
I fell in love and out of love and back in love again with the same person.
I read a lot about Art and I visited some great museums.
I learned how to salsa dance and ballroom dance.
I taught piano and I helped teach a show choir.
I taught a music appreciation class.
I saw two community musicals and a variety show.
I learned a new song on piano and wrote a few new ones as well.
I got over a few spiritual roadblocks.
I went for a week without media technology.
I went to a gym for the first time.
I tried new foods and learned how to cook some new dishes.
I had friends over for Avatar parties, west side story parties, and Muppet Treasture island.
I visited a lot of graduation parties.
I saw my sister go to prom.
I spent a lot of time with my family.
I saw my dad get sustained as a Bishop of our family ward.
I learned the gravity and importance of money.
I maintained letter relationships with at least five missionaries.
I read all of my diaries.
I watched every episode of Bones.
I saw The Last Airbender, the A-Team, Eclipse, Inception, and Toy Story 3.
I celebrated Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Independence Day, and Pioneer Day.
I learned how to can food.
I did a lot of service.
I learned a lot more about Lady Gaga... also set a date to see her in concert.
I learned the power that comes in being single.
I gave two talks in church.
I found my retainer and worked on wearing it again.
I got sunburned.
I went to a club.
I learned how to use a meat slicer.
I renewed my Driver's License.
I said goodbye to a missionary from Tonga.
I was a family chauffer.
I listened to the top 500 songs of all time according to Rolling Stone.
I bought bras and thongs.
I slept at a hotel.
I had the cops show up at my house.
I got plastic go-go boots.
I had a cold.
I stayed up until 2 talking to a friend by a fire in the rain.
I watched Glee with a pregnant lady.
I saw my childhood playground get trekked off forever.
I grew.
But I suppose I could mention that this summer:
I was called beautiful by someone.
I made new friends.
I lost a few friends.
I regained some friendships that I had once lost.
I got a job and worked.
I got a speeding ticket and had to pay a fine.
I got a lot of new free clothes.
I fell in love and out of love and back in love again with the same person.
I read a lot about Art and I visited some great museums.
I learned how to salsa dance and ballroom dance.
I taught piano and I helped teach a show choir.
I taught a music appreciation class.
I saw two community musicals and a variety show.
I learned a new song on piano and wrote a few new ones as well.
I got over a few spiritual roadblocks.
I went for a week without media technology.
I went to a gym for the first time.
I tried new foods and learned how to cook some new dishes.
I had friends over for Avatar parties, west side story parties, and Muppet Treasture island.
I visited a lot of graduation parties.
I saw my sister go to prom.
I spent a lot of time with my family.
I saw my dad get sustained as a Bishop of our family ward.
I learned the gravity and importance of money.
I maintained letter relationships with at least five missionaries.
I read all of my diaries.
I watched every episode of Bones.
I saw The Last Airbender, the A-Team, Eclipse, Inception, and Toy Story 3.
I celebrated Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Independence Day, and Pioneer Day.
I learned how to can food.
I did a lot of service.
I learned a lot more about Lady Gaga... also set a date to see her in concert.
I learned the power that comes in being single.
I gave two talks in church.
I found my retainer and worked on wearing it again.
I got sunburned.
I went to a club.
I learned how to use a meat slicer.
I renewed my Driver's License.
I said goodbye to a missionary from Tonga.
I was a family chauffer.
I listened to the top 500 songs of all time according to Rolling Stone.
I bought bras and thongs.
I slept at a hotel.
I had the cops show up at my house.
I got plastic go-go boots.
I had a cold.
I stayed up until 2 talking to a friend by a fire in the rain.
I watched Glee with a pregnant lady.
I saw my childhood playground get trekked off forever.
I grew.
INCEPTION
So I FINALLY saw Inception a few days ago with a bunch of church friends.
First off, I'd like to just point out that YES, the movie was very good and YES it will probably go down in history as one of those movies that just bends your brain like no other. Christopher Nolan is a fantastic director... only the best can make up a plot so complex and so intricate as that one. The acting was great, mostly. Leo DiCaprio has his dry moments and Marion Cotillard has never been my favorite, but you lose sight of that by the great looking Joseph Gordon Levitt and CILLIAN MURPHY (*gusssssh*), the intense Zimmer music, and the brilliant plotline that just blows your mind.
First off, I'd like to just point out that YES, the movie was very good and YES it will probably go down in history as one of those movies that just bends your brain like no other. Christopher Nolan is a fantastic director... only the best can make up a plot so complex and so intricate as that one. The acting was great, mostly. Leo DiCaprio has his dry moments and Marion Cotillard has never been my favorite, but you lose sight of that by the great looking Joseph Gordon Levitt and CILLIAN MURPHY (*gusssssh*), the intense Zimmer music, and the brilliant plotline that just blows your mind.
HOWEVER...
It is not all it's cracked up to be.
I don't mean to say it wasn't good!!! I just get really critical when I go in expecting the forth of july and all I get is a few fire-crackers. People would talk and talk and talk about the movie... All they said was that my mind would be blown and my life would be changed and I may have a near-death experience. Yet when I left the movie, I was definitely thinking (good movies make you think), but this movie was in no way as phenomenal as it was made out to be. I was more impressed with Dark Knight than this movie. I really had no desire to tell the world how amazing it was. I didn't even post it on facebook until a few days later.
So word to the wise... this is a movie that you should know as little about as possible in order to fully appreciate it. Don't take others' words for it. Go see it yourself and like it for what it is, not what others say about it. You will appreciate it more.
A Few Items of Musical Business:
Okay so I like following bands/artists/performers that I really like, but many of them have either been on loooong hiatuses (hiati?) these past few months that they are fading from my life. I cannot let that happen.
Fortunately, some of them are returning to the limelight with new CDs/appearances/news so here goes.
1. The new Evanescence CD is supposed to be coming out this fall. This is big. Very big. Amy Lee and Terry Balsamo are teaming up with producer Steve Lillywhite to make a more electro-pop rock sound, which is now my latest craze. So that's really exciting. Every Evanescence CD (thus far, only three of them) has been different. This is a quality I like. Amy Lee -- depending on those she is working with -- always cranks out something new and it's always very beautiful. SOOO Excited. Come, Fall '10! Come!!!
2. Speaking of Evanescence... We Are The Fallen. I don't care about those diehard Ev fans who mock Ben Moody's new band, I really like their stuff. I like female-fronted, classical-goth-rock bands, and it all began with Ben Moody's Evanescence. So We Are the Fallen is like bringing back that sound that made me love the genre in the first place. And Carly Smithson is good. She's not Amy Lee, but let's face it. No one can be Amy Lee. That's probably why she's had so much trouble holding a band together. So as far as the female goth genre is concerned, this new Evanescence that Moody has created is pretty decent. I want to invest in the CD.
3. (Still in my goth rock vein) Within Temptation. New CD should be out early 2011. That feels far away, but really it's only a few months. (I can't believe 2010 is half over...) And I think WT is seriously improving with everything they make.
I believe Sharon Den Adel had a child these past few months, which is why they stopped touring. Makes sense.
4. Speaking of Babies, Anette Olzon from Nightwish also had a baby... very very recently. So we might not be hearing any new Nightwish for a while. Hopefully the band will survive. A new singer... who just had a baby. Doesn't bode well for a band.
5. I'm loving Adam Lambert more and more. I think I want his CD as well.
6. I feel like I really should be liking Paramore but the more I hear from them, the more bored I get. So I can't help but make a stupid pun -- Paramore's a paraBORE. "The Only Exception" is all over the Radio right now and I really am honestly at a loss for why they would pick THAT song for a single. It's slow slow slow and repetitive repetitive repetitive, requiring very little vocal skill and lacking meaningful lyrics. Old Paramore? Pretty good from a pop perspective -- not a rock perspective.
7. Lady Gaga's new CD comes out spring 2011. She will be announcing the name of the album on January first, 2011 at midnight by releasing a picture of her new tattoo with the album name.
8. Katy Perry's CD... as I think I mentioned last post... is greatly anticipated.
9. Bruno Mars has a single out that's really cute. Something about "when I see your face, there's nothing I would change." I wish a guy would say that to me... as would a hundred other girls, which is why it's played all the time on the radio. Dangit.
10. Eminem. I got into him a bit back in jr. high just to be cool, but now I'm reconnecting with Shady and his new songs are quite deep. I just don't think I can wholly appreciate him what with the standards I try my hardest to keep regarding language and sexual content. So I am content with just his semi-clean radio singles and whatever lyrics I can stomach. I do respect him, however, for his great usage of language. Rap is a hard art to master, and Marshall Mathers is a genius at it. "Love the Way You Lie" with Rihanna is one such masterpiece. It's overplayed. I really hope the shock doesn't wear off because of that.
11. I'm also liking Taio Cruz's "Dynamite." It is -- at the moment -- my favorite party song.
Fortunately, some of them are returning to the limelight with new CDs/appearances/news so here goes.
1. The new Evanescence CD is supposed to be coming out this fall. This is big. Very big. Amy Lee and Terry Balsamo are teaming up with producer Steve Lillywhite to make a more electro-pop rock sound, which is now my latest craze. So that's really exciting. Every Evanescence CD (thus far, only three of them) has been different. This is a quality I like. Amy Lee -- depending on those she is working with -- always cranks out something new and it's always very beautiful. SOOO Excited. Come, Fall '10! Come!!!
2. Speaking of Evanescence... We Are The Fallen. I don't care about those diehard Ev fans who mock Ben Moody's new band, I really like their stuff. I like female-fronted, classical-goth-rock bands, and it all began with Ben Moody's Evanescence. So We Are the Fallen is like bringing back that sound that made me love the genre in the first place. And Carly Smithson is good. She's not Amy Lee, but let's face it. No one can be Amy Lee. That's probably why she's had so much trouble holding a band together. So as far as the female goth genre is concerned, this new Evanescence that Moody has created is pretty decent. I want to invest in the CD.
3. (Still in my goth rock vein) Within Temptation. New CD should be out early 2011. That feels far away, but really it's only a few months. (I can't believe 2010 is half over...) And I think WT is seriously improving with everything they make.
I believe Sharon Den Adel had a child these past few months, which is why they stopped touring. Makes sense.
4. Speaking of Babies, Anette Olzon from Nightwish also had a baby... very very recently. So we might not be hearing any new Nightwish for a while. Hopefully the band will survive. A new singer... who just had a baby. Doesn't bode well for a band.
5. I'm loving Adam Lambert more and more. I think I want his CD as well.
6. I feel like I really should be liking Paramore but the more I hear from them, the more bored I get. So I can't help but make a stupid pun -- Paramore's a paraBORE. "The Only Exception" is all over the Radio right now and I really am honestly at a loss for why they would pick THAT song for a single. It's slow slow slow and repetitive repetitive repetitive, requiring very little vocal skill and lacking meaningful lyrics. Old Paramore? Pretty good from a pop perspective -- not a rock perspective.
7. Lady Gaga's new CD comes out spring 2011. She will be announcing the name of the album on January first, 2011 at midnight by releasing a picture of her new tattoo with the album name.
8. Katy Perry's CD... as I think I mentioned last post... is greatly anticipated.
9. Bruno Mars has a single out that's really cute. Something about "when I see your face, there's nothing I would change." I wish a guy would say that to me... as would a hundred other girls, which is why it's played all the time on the radio. Dangit.
10. Eminem. I got into him a bit back in jr. high just to be cool, but now I'm reconnecting with Shady and his new songs are quite deep. I just don't think I can wholly appreciate him what with the standards I try my hardest to keep regarding language and sexual content. So I am content with just his semi-clean radio singles and whatever lyrics I can stomach. I do respect him, however, for his great usage of language. Rap is a hard art to master, and Marshall Mathers is a genius at it. "Love the Way You Lie" with Rihanna is one such masterpiece. It's overplayed. I really hope the shock doesn't wear off because of that.
11. I'm also liking Taio Cruz's "Dynamite." It is -- at the moment -- my favorite party song.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)