Job

I NEED A JOB.

It's so difficult finding one with such limited experience. You gotta try and find a way to look good without actually being good. Oh, if only things would work out!

Waiting

Waiting not so patiently for May 5. That's when Lady Gaga performs on American Idol...

It's been a month since Easter, but so what?

I watched Easter Parade last night. My favorite Fred Astaire movie.

It also makes me wanna go try on obnoxious hats.

Past Journals...

If you haven't noticed, I've been reading through all my childhood diaries.
I have changed SO much, but there are still many things that have stayed absolutely the same. For example, I am STILL the overdramatic and selfish person that I was in junior high. Maybe not at such an extreme level, and maybe I'm a little bit wiser about how I show it, but I still am. I am just as boy-crazy now as I ever was back in middle school, although I never go so far as to say some of those things I shared with you on my last post.
The point is, I still got a lot of growing to do. You can learn a ton from reading a journal. It's a good look inside what you found to be of value in your life at that time and circumstance. I just wish I had spent my time valuing something more worthwhile than just a few boys I would never talk to again or some weird punkis fashion statement I could never completely pull off.
I just finished summer 2004... moving on to Christine, which is all about David. I am bracing myself.

Listening to: Eyes As Candles, by Passion Pit. This song always reminds me of Schmordan. Too bad I'll never see him again.
Things that Happened Today: I applied at two places, JC Penny and Maurices. Also plan on applying for Payless Shoesource tomorrow online. Also watched Easter Parade. Great movie. I love Fred Astaire.

Diary Entry: December 10, 2004

Read this.
I've tried, but my mind just doesn't work that way. I still break into a sweat whenever Paul even passes -- and he DOES stare at me. But it's not a nice stare. It's a tormenting stare that seems to impale my soul. It's beautiful, but it's horrible, and I am utterly terrifyed by those eyes. His voice stuns me and takes me to a realm of excruciating joy. Just to be with him is a nightmare, but I can't bear to leave. He's like a drug, and I need a stronger high. The thought of him makes me shutter with excitement and my mind goes into a daze. I do things that I wouldn't normally do. I humiliate myself and others; I say things I shouldn't say, and I do things I wouldn't usually do. He controls my every move, my every word, my every thought, my every breath. I am a puppet and he is holding the strings, sending me up and down and into other worlds. I have to be with him to be happy, but being with him gives me so much sorrow I can barely comprehend it. I beg to be released from this prison of lust! I long to be free of the chains of love and move on. Release me from this torture chamber! Free me from this endless torment! I would die for him; I would live for him, I would even kill for him. I am a slave to his every command. My passion is so strong, I am in agony. Depression and heartache is all I feel as I write this. Yet, I still have a fiery detrmination -- like I still have a chance, but all is for nothing. All hope is lost. I will live and die without him. My sleep is haunting. The incubus of heartbreak creeps into my dreams. He is always there. Staring into my eyes. I am a victim of his charm. He is beautiful. He is mystifying. He is the most wonderful thing that has happened to me, yet I am cursed in his soul. He has imprinted his image into my very blood. I lie in grief, despair, and anguish. His smile can bring me to tears. If only he would smile at me that way! If only he would speak to me! If only I could touch his hand! If only he loved me! Then I would truly be at rest, and then this Hell I live in will leave me at peace. Until then, his voice, his eyes, his hate, his image, his being -- shall haunt me, and his ghost shall live inside me until the cup is removed from me....
Other than that, life is good.



1.) How melodramatic WAS I?????
2.) I use the word "incubus" in a sentence? What was my problem?
3.) This boy, Mr. Paul... he only had said 30 words to me at this point. Four of them being "Hi" and eight of them being, "Can I spit out my gum real quick?"

Diary Entry: February 11, 2002

Mariah and Amanda won't stop bothering me! I came here with the Valentine's Day outfit I made myself and they said I looked "GAY." I looked "gay" up in the dictionary and it meant "happy" or "homosexual." Neither of those fit the thing they were tring to say.

Home again home again

I am home, at last.

Very glad to be, too. I already have reunited with so many great friends that I have missed so much.

Of course, it is absolutely wonderful to see my family again. Particularly my sister. She's going to prom next week with a senior guy that I actually have gotten the chance to befriend. I totally approve. Her dress is amazing. Mom made it. It's a teal blue color with some amazing fold action around the waist that makes her look so goshdarn skinny and beautiful. I am so excited for her.


My goals for the summer:

1. Look for a job
2. Teach these two girls in my ward piano
3. Bike ride a lot to keep my weight down
4. Transcribe all of my songs
5. Do some fun art project or another: A scrapbook, a collage, something cool.

Seems like some pretty good goals.

Listening to: MGMT "Time to Pretend"
Things going on today: Family Home Evening (I'm planning it), Visit Fisher during Showcase practice, maybe go shopping with my sister.

GLOZELL

I am really liking this stand-up comedian Glozell...

... she's witty, and she's got so much attitude, it's over the top.

Check out her blog:

The End of Finals: My Discovery

Book of Mormon Final: 96 percent
Music Civilization Final: 98 percent

THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.
Why couldn't I do this in the classes that mattered?

Riciculous, maybe, but I was kind of disappointed with these scores, as well, to a degree. I studied with the intention of acing these tests. I studied and studied. I thought I knew everything, and it's always kind of disappointing to know that you didn't know EVERYTHING.


I have decided that there is an unwritten rule among test writers that says you MUST create an impossible question that no one can answer correctly. That way, no one gets them all right. Really, hundred percents just aren't heard of, even among the smartest people. A shame, really.


Listening to: GloZell (bruthuhplease!)
Things Going on Today: My roommate shelby leaves. I'm buying her an early birthday present this afternoon. Finals are OVER.

Heaven, Finals, and ASL

ASL Final? Don't quite know yet, but it felt good. Only a couple questions I wasn't sure about and it was a big test so yeah...

I never want to take another ASL class again!!
I've decided it needs to stay a hobbie and that's it. I've learned about a quarter of all the words out there already (it's got a pretty small vocabulary), and I can always learn the grammar in ASL FOR DUMMIES or whatever. Why take a seven o'clock class that kills my grade? I don't have to.

My goal now is to ace my book of mormon final and get 95 percent or above on my music civilization final. Doc Howard always brags about how no one has ever aced his tests... I really want to be the first one to do it. Time to hit the books.


Listening to: Looked into the Wings by Billy Gilman
Things Going on Today: Book of Mormon Final, probably at five or so,


People leaving Heritage already -- this morning I woke up at 7:00 to the bittersweet voices of the girls in the next dorm, saying goodbye to one of their early-departing roommates. Sad, yes, but happy too. I really did kind of take a temporary approach to this whole thing, particularly this semester. With members of my ward, I didn't get much deeper than a name-to-name acquaintanceship. I really got close to a couple last semester but then they just left on missions so I kind of decided not to do that again. And then my roommates kind of abandoned me when picking their future apartments which totally dashed my hopes of becoming "bosom buddies" with any of them. I'm a lone wolf, and I expect to stay a lone wolf for a while. At least until I finally find myself in a stable environment. An environment where people don't have to leave on missions or get new homes or make new friends. Maybe that's why I want to start a family so bad... Families last forever. So even if my husband dies or my son goes to college or my daughter gets married, they'll be with me forever up in that big family reunion in the sky, and that is quite the encouraging thought.

I wonder sometimes about the whole heaven thing. Yeah, I know families are forever, and I guess that is the most important thing... but I have some great friends I sort of wish I could see again. There was that guy back in fifth grade who I still am kind of in love with -- Shawn Paul, I think his name was. And there were all those friends back in high school, those families that were in my ward during my childhood who magically disappeared. I sort of want to see these people again, too. Am I allowed, up in heaven, to have a reunion with my roommates, for example? What about boys? I know I may be married to my husband, but what if my husband isn't Zack or Mark or Jacob or Devin or Mike? I'd want to still say hi to them at least... Catch up on all the stuff we did during our lifetimes after our paths separated. What if some of my friends didn't make it all the way? Could I go down and visit with them? And there's all the celebrities I want to meet! I really want to sit down and talk to Amy Lee, or Andy Warhol, or Moses, or Thomas Jefferson or MJ. Would I be allowed to do that? Talk politics or art or music with them?

Maybe none of that will matter once I get up there.
I probably shouldn't worry about it. I need to keep celestial glory as my ultimate goal, no matter what. I may not know what to expect once I get there, but I know I am guaranteed happiness if I get there. Good.

They have TAKEN ME

Finals are upon me again.

Sociology: Okay
New Testament: Ew

I will be studying quite a bit so I won't be online for a while.

But before I leave you, a dream...


I sort of took this as an "end of the world, second-coming dream" even though it was narrated in my head by Adam Sandler. I went into this floor of the BYU Library with all these golden shelves and cool display flat screens and I came across this book that sort of came to life on a screen as I opened it.
Cue Adam Sandler: "This is how the world will end.

The people of God will build him a house."


And suddenly, I was there, with my sister, in a Dali-esque blue plane of a feild, building a house, brick by ugly gray brick. These bricks were huge... At least five feet across, so we had to lift them together. There will other people with us, of course. Lots of other happy, smiling LDS members, building this giant house out of gray castle bricks.

Before I knew it the house was done. Cue Adam Sandler again:

"And when the house was complete, then came God back into the world."

We build this house with a peaked roof and a skylight at the top. We all looked up, crying tears of joy and I saw this brilliant light appear in the skylight. I held my sister's hand. The light overcame us all...

The end.

Hmmmmyeah. Back to studying.

Little Red Dress

Originally posted on Outward Expression.

This is one of my favorite dresses. I got it at Everyday People, a consignment store in Minneapolis. It's 100% silk and a beautifully pure red with embroidery. It was $15. Such a find.

A Taste of the Orient

Originally Posted on Outward Expression.

I know my friends have a lot more authentic looking Eastern costumes than I, but I like bragging about this piece. I got it at Unique Thrift Store for five dollars (I know, I can't believe it either). It fit me perfectly -- really, it fit me perfectly. It's so form-fitting I have tr ouble getting it on and off. It goes will with chopsticks, but since I didn't bring mine to college, I've just been using a big red feather clip -- the kind you can find at Claires or some other accessory shoppe. Black pants keep things modest for me.

My Thoughts on General Conference

General Conference this year, while it was very inspiring, did not provide as much revelation as I expected. I know the persons who spoke last weekend at the Conference Center were inspired by God, but I think their messages this time were to others more than they were to me. For example, a lot of stress was put on parenthood and familial ties. While I know family is always important, I am currently away from any close family ties, and I have no husband and children of my own. So I guess this is information I should probably bank away until a later date. As for questions that are currently pressing on my mind, the speakers really didn't mention them as much as I would have wished. But of course there are many more members of the church out there besides me so I suppose I should just let them get some special guidance once in a while.
I did get some stuff out of Conference, though. And of course I felt the spirit no matter what. Anything that comes from off that pulpit is good stuff to know. So I'll tell you now about some of the impressions I got from each session.

By the way, I was disappointed that Elder Dalin H. Oaks spoke in the preisthood rather than in the general sessions. I simply love this guy, probably my favorite. He's up there with Elders Holland and Uchdorf. But of course I love them all.

Saturday Morning

I felt a lot of stress on womanhood during this first session. First, there was Julie B. Beck's talk on the responsibility of women, and then M. Russell Ballard talked about mother-daughter relationships. As a new member of Relief Society, I felt comfort when listening to Sister Beck's talk because she mentioned how women often are told they need to do everything. But that's not what God is asking us to do; he is asking us to put our trust in the Spirit and do all we can. I also learned from Ballard that I should probably learn more from my mother. Packer stressed the importance of the home as a place of priesthood and spiritual nurturing. I need to remember these talks when I start raising a family of my own.

I also found a lot of stress this session on trials. Both Keith B. McMullin and Wilford W. Andersen talked about what we must do when it looks like the world is falling around us. I especially liked how Elder McMullin talked about DUTY. Duty does not mean we have an option. Duty means we have a responsibility to do what has been asked of us. Even if it's hard, we have the Atonement, and it can strengthen us so that we can endure anything. My favorite talk this session was Brother Andersen's. It was definitely the most optimistic and the one I felt I could apply right away in my life.

Kudos also to Elder Eyring's talk. Once again, I felt like it was directed to older members of the church who are given callings to take care of youth, whether at church or in the home, but I definitely see an application to it in my own life. I need to prepare to help those who need help in staying in the Gospel. There may be some right in front of me that I ignore.

Saturday Afternoon:

Again, there were a couple of talks applying to parenthood. Both L. Tom Perry and David A. Bednar instructed parents in what they could do -- what they should do -- to keep a righteous spirit in the home. Once again, the word DUTY was used. It revitalized my convictions about how society needs good parents. I think a lot of the world's wickedness today could be annulled simply by good education, and parents are a child's first and best teachers. I fear that the rising generation will be doomed because their parents don't know how to teach them correct principles. After this conference, I'm sure many parents will reassess themselves and do a better job.

There's also quite a bit in this conference about serving and reaching out to those in need. Makes sense, since there have been so many disasters in the world these past few months. I refer specifically to Brother Aoyagi's talk. He was hard to understand, but I think the spirit really helped me while I listened to him. He spoke a lot about "helping hands" in the Church -- people who have Christlike charity and love for their fellow men. People need all the help they can get, and it would be utterly embarrassing to see Christ's church not play their full part. D. Todd Christopherson also gave an interesting talk about the importance of the scriptures and how we are so blessed to have them. Very glad he reminded me of that, because I'm getting a little bored with my scriptures these days.

My favorite talk this session was Elder Holland's. His kind of came out of nowhere. (Holland is pretty good at surprising his listeners.) And of all the talks in conference, this was the one I think I needed the most. I felt like he was talking to me. He talks about the beginning stages of sin -- in this case, sexual sin -- and what we can do to nip iniquity in the bud. I really needed to hear the words "Turn it off. Walk out. Sever the relationship. Run as far away as you can." Right now in my life I'm flirting with disaster in a lot of ways, and I have recomitted now to keep myself FAR AWAY from bad influence. It's an addiction, but I'm going to break my bad habits before they get the best of me. I also loved his words about the difference between love and lust. They are totally true. Pornography brings about lustful thoughts. There is no love in it whatsoever. It is selfish, harmful to the spirit, and harmful to the mind. I cannot understand why anyone would think otherwise. Amen, Elder Holland!

Sunday Morning

My New Testament teacher helped me realized just how great this session was. It was on Easter Sunday, so of course there was a big emphasis on Christ and his Atonement. Sometimes I go to conference hoping to hear something new. Specific doctrines, revelations, and teachings that I haven't heard before. You hear testimonies of Christ all the time and regretably I get bored by them. How many times have I heard from my leaders that Christ was the Savior of the world? Too many to count. But it's for a good reason! It is the most important thing I can know. MOST IMPORTANT. Of course people are saying it all the time; people need to be CONSTANTLY reminded of Christ's love and infinite sacrifice for our sins. This is not light and fluffy, either. This is a HARD CORE and INTENSE thing that Christ did for us. He suffered for all of our sins -- the most abominable ones we could imagine. He felt the worst feelings -- millions of times worse than anything we ever could feel. He saved us from death, misery, punishment, guilt, hell. Of course we have to talk about it! So Richard G. Scott and Quentin L. Cook hit it right on the nose this conference. Elder Cook said something that hit me really hard in particular. I shouldn't forget this conference. I shouldn't go and have a really spiritual weekend and then forget all about it when I go back to school on Monday. Christ deserves better than that. I should be thinking about him and following his example every day of my life. Thomas S. Monson topped it off with a wonderfully enthusiastic and optimistic talk about the great blessings of life that Christ gives us. Yeah, we sin. Yeah, Christ suffered, but he also LIVES. And we can live again because of it. Death is no longer something to be feared for me.

Brother Donald L. Hallstrom and Dieter F. Uchdorf both talked about our relationships with other people, particularly those in the church. In particular, we're supposed to remember the worth of souls and not let offense keep us from enjoying the blessings of the Gospel. This I had to hear. I'm really not a very serving person. I am a little too self-oriented. My pride keeps me from helping people and I often seek revenge rather than restitution. Bad Hannah! That's keeping the Spirit away! I gotta be more like Abraham and Simri -- I gotta obtain that unadulterated, unmitigated love for my fellow men that blesses everyone: Me, the people I'm serving, and the people who watch me serve.

Then, as it has been for almost the entirety of conference so far, we had Sister Lant come and talk about teaching our children. Good for her. (I did not mean that sarcastically. It really is GOOD for her. She was, after all, primary president.)

Sunday Afternoon

We got another dosage of leadership advice from Robert D. Hales. Once again, he stressed the importance of keeping the spirit of the home. I was kind of getting the idea by the time his talk came around. I kind of feel sorry for him because so many other previous speakers stole his thunder. But his was, I think, the most general and up-front advice. Just be a good example. That's how kids really learn. Just before Elder Hales, Russell M. Nelson talked about family history -- our families that have passed on. Immediately after Hales, Bradley D. Foster then talked about mothers -- how we should follow their example. All their talks went so well together. THEN we had Francisco J. Vinas and Neil L. Anderson who talked about some specific things we can teach children. I really gotta bank all this information for when I have my own kids. Glad I took copious notes.

I really liked Gregory Schweitzer's talk. I like talks that talk about how we can change our THOUGHTS, not just our BEHAVIORS, and this was a talk pretty much all about thoughts. It was about judging righteous judgements. We can only do it if our thoughts are centered around the Gospel. So we need to recommit ourselves to the words of the prophets, the scriptures, and the Spirit (the Holy Ghost was mentioned a TON in this conference). James Martino's talk, I think, was the best of the whole day for me. He taught how we can learn how to handle trial through Christ. I already mentioned this, but Christ went through everything we could ever go through. So he is, naturally, our best example -- our perfect example. He didn't complain, he wasn't lazy, and he always thought of others first.

Now that I've written all this, I realize I got more out of Conference than I thought. Can't wait till October to hear more good stuff.

Once Upon a Dream...

I dreamt last night that there were four dragons -- one blue, one red, one yellow, and one green -- flying around my neighborhood trying to attack each other. It left the entire landscape looking like charcoal. They even blew off our roof where the chandelier ordinarily hangs. For some reason or another, the green dragon decided to stay at our place and it was then that I realized that the dragons weren't dragons at all, but people in colored jumpsuits sliding around on these sleds and holding these weird looking torches that allowed you to blow colored fire. I decided to put on the green "dragon's" outfit and go out and find these other foes and tear them to pieces so our neighborhood wouldn't get destroyed.

I got down to Hunter's house (not the Hunter I went on a date with... this is an old Hunter) and found the blue dragon. But the blue dragon was actually David my Deaf TA looking sexier than ever. What was I to do? I didn't want to kill him! He was so beautiful! But the red dragon made the decision for me and blew him down.

Aaaaaand that's the end.

Since we're on the subject of vests...

Originally posted on Outward Expresson.

This Worthington vest is one of my favorite pieces of clothing. It never ceases to make me feel chic and sexy. I got it at Turnstyle, a favorite consignment shop of mine. It fits me very well and adds a sophisticated flair to my outfit. I am not usually one for gray, but in this case I think it looks stellar. It's not vintage, but that's fine by me because it's a great piece of clothing anyway.

This vest is very different from Hannah's. It just goes to show you how different styles can be.

~Inga

You Deserve the VEST...

Originally posted on Outward Expression.

You know what they say: Be the VEST you can be...
Okay, puns aside, this is really the VEST I can be... as in, This is the VEST that IS me. It's such a simple thing: Tan vest from (the now extinct) Timbuktu Station. If you see it on a rack, you don't really see the potential in such a simple item. I always thought flesh tones were boring. But with a few other pieces, this thing really adds a tastey authentic flare to an ensemble.

I use this vest mostly for my hippie looks. It provides a nice earthy quality that goes well with the flower-child look. Plus it's got these amazing pockets and nice pearly buttons.

Timbuktu Station was bought by Maurices a while ago. My mom was going to get rid of this vest but I rescued it from the Goodwill box.

Peace out!

----- Hannah -----